To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

[tricerotopsrule]

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

@minveeall of your examples are quite extreme

I am being asked about my reasoning, so I'm replying to that. I'm not talking about you or what you may or may not do @RampantIvy . If you think hosting in a house is totally different to hosting in a restaurant, you think that. To me, it's no different.

I had 2 parties for my 50th, one a joint one abroad with DP for 75 and we did ask each of them to pay 50 euros each, but that was for 3 courses, canapes, and loads of amazing wine and booze. Then we all danced after dinner. Nobody seemed to mind. I then had a party on my actual birthday a few weeks later in London, and it was a free bar and canapes for 150, again, lots of dancing and singing... so I did both, and both parties were very fun. I don't usually celebrate my birthday but after a very tough decade, I wanted to do this one.
I think either is fine as long as you communicate it clearly, then people have a chance to back out if they don't want to pay, which is totally fair enough.

Unless you own the restaurant you aren’t the host. You’re a customer like everyone else.

I disagree @HighLadyofTheNightCourt . If I, or DH, decide to invite friends to a venue of our choice for a birthday or other occasion relevant to us or our kids, we are hosting. It's not that hard to understand really is it.

If you have a different approach with your friends that has nothing to do with me.,

You can choose to foot the bill but you cant host in a public restaurant you don’t own where there are other people present 😂😂

People host events in all manner of venues all the time, what are you on about?

So, what you are saying is that it is just a matter of opinion. There are no hard and fast rules, which is what you have been implying all through this thread - that your way is the only right way. It isn't. It is just one way.

And it isn't etiquette.

You need to be more flexible and accepting of how other people do things.

You keep telling me to be flexible @RampantIvy, but I am not the one who called you "thick as mince" for disagreeing with me. You can disagree with me all you like. I am being honest about what is etiquette in our circles and my opinion. Sorry if you don't like it. I've repeatedly said I don't speak for you, and more than you speak for me.

However the difference is you appear to suggest that your way is the only way

I would argue people who say 'my way' (aka what billions around the globe would regard as perfectly normal) is 'transactional' or 'sad' have a problem accepting that their way is not the only way.

Pay if you can afford it :)

Actually, this is incorrect.

Many commercial venues exist to take the place of our own homes for social purposes, from wedding venues to village halls to funeral homes. They allow people whose residences are small or who want different vibe/amenities/services to host events that in past eras would have taken place at home. Restaurants fall into this category.

If you booked out the whole restaurant for an event then you could be considered a host. Especially if you planned the menu so are dictating what people are eating.
Booking a table where people are ordering and choosing their own food? Not so much

That's simply not correct. One can host at a single table. Even when one's guests are selecting their own food and ordering from the server.

Simply not true. You can host a table, or an area, or a room. For my dad's 90th he had half the restaurant and another 90th had the other half.

I don’t see that as hosting. But we’re all allowed a different perspective 🤷🏼‍♀️

That’s different to just booking a table though.

Where exactly do you think it's affordable for a regular person to pay for 15 people to eat? Even mcdonalds would cost about £200...

If you invite people to "celebrate" you, they shouldn't be out of pocket. If you wouldn't charge them in your own home, why would it be OK to charge them in a restaurant??

A birthday is meant to be about the birthday person. If people don't value spending time with them enough to want to go they don't have to go. It's the same as when people have a birthday night out, friends fund it themselves and generally buy drinks for the person being celebrated.

Nowadays offering to pay for 15 peoples meals would just come off as pretentious, it's a birthday meal not a wedding.

If you specifically invite a group of people to a restaurant of your choice on a date you have determined, and if you are paying the bill for the group, then you are the host effectively. Does this even need spelling out? Why else are people there if you didn't invite them? They haven't just shown up by random chance. You don't need to have cooked the food or own the building to be able to take responsibility for an event in your name. People may not all know each other, in which case it's on you to introduce people, and also move around the table so that you at least get to chat to everyone. Make sure there is enough wine, or whatever people are drinking. If you have guests who are vegan, or only eat halal, bear this in mind when you're booking for your selected group. All this kind of thing.

This is very different to a friend or friends casually saying, "let's meet for dinner for a catch up."

According to Debretts, hosting in a restaurant means focusing on managing the flow of the evening, ensuring your guests are comfortable and engaged, and remaining calm and discreet even if things go wrong. You should make the reservation, greet guests warmly upon arrival, handle coats and bags, and then let them enjoy themselves while you manage the flow of the meal, keeping drinks topped up and making sure everyone is included in conversation.

Preparing for the event
Make a reservation:
Book the restaurant in advance and make any special requests needed for your guests (e.g., a quiet corner or specific dietary needs).

Prepare your guests:
If you know any of your guests have allergies or dietary restrictions, be sure to let the restaurant know in advance.

Set the tone:
Arrive on time to welcome your guests and help them get settled.

During the event
Greet your guests: Welcome them with a smile and a warm greeting.

Handle the logistics: Offer to take their coats and bags and guide them to the table.

Manage the conversation: Make sure everyone is included in the conversation and that no one is left out.

Stay calm and collected: Do not get flustered if a mistake is made or if there are any issues with the food.

Yeah, nobody I know is referring to Debrettes when organising a birthday meal.
What a bloody ridiculous list of ‘tasks’ 😂 Jesus Christ what century is this.

We turn up, order our own food and drinks and the conversation takes care of its self.

This post is insane. How many people would look to Debretts for planning a birthday meal with friends?!