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Original poster

To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

660 replies

tricerotopsrule · 25/10/2025 22:48

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

OP posts:
HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 30/10/2025 17:03

minvee · 30/10/2025 16:55

It's so easy to scoff but could I ask - what is it that some people actually find so outrageous on that list? If you were hosting a group who didn't all know each other, would you not introduce them, make sure people felt welcome, all had drinks etc. It's just basic stuff really.

If I’ve booked a table at a restaurant and people are ordering off the main menu then I don’t need to inform the restaurant of dietary requirements as the individual can do that when ordering their own food.
I wouldn’t take their costs and bags and walk them to the table and I don’t need to be reminded not to get flustered. Any issue with the food is the restaurant’s responsibility to sort out.

An informal meal doesn’t require all of those rules or to be micro managed.

YouMightLikeCats · 30/10/2025 17:05

I love this pretending that you are involved in 'hosting' when you turn up somewhere as a group. This is going to be my new thing!

Anyone want to watch Dirty Dancing at the Imax? I'm hosting!
Anyone want to come and play Crazy Golf afterwards? I'm hosting!
Anyone want to get a sausage roll at Greggs at lunchtime? I'm hosting!

minvee · 30/10/2025 17:05

Ok, that's you @RampantIvy, but obviously other people do sometimes host people from different areas of their life who don't know each other and wouldn't be there except for the mutual connection, so being that mutual connection, you have to make a bit of an effort at least.

YouMightLikeCats · 30/10/2025 17:09

As is the, "everyone is just so delighted to see each other anyway." That may well be, but they can do that any day of the week.

The OP has said they can't. Why so insistent that you know OP's situation better than she does, minvee? That's incredibly crass.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 30/10/2025 17:09

minvee · 30/10/2025 17:05

Ok, that's you @RampantIvy, but obviously other people do sometimes host people from different areas of their life who don't know each other and wouldn't be there except for the mutual connection, so being that mutual connection, you have to make a bit of an effort at least.

Big it doesn’t have to be a big deal or made into a formal event. You introduce people and let them chat. The situation doesn’t really need managing beyond that.

minvee · 30/10/2025 17:09

Go ahead and host at Greg's @YouMightLikeCats. Just remember to not expect your friends to pay for their sausage rolls.

RampantIvy · 30/10/2025 17:11

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 30/10/2025 17:09

Big it doesn’t have to be a big deal or made into a formal event. You introduce people and let them chat. The situation doesn’t really need managing beyond that.

Show quote history

Oops. Edited because I responded to the wrong poster.
Apologies @HighLadyofTheNightCourt

CrocusVase · 30/10/2025 17:14

minvee · 30/10/2025 16:55

It's so easy to scoff but could I ask - what is it that some people actually find so outrageous on that list? If you were hosting a group who didn't all know each other, would you not introduce them, make sure people felt welcome, all had drinks etc. It's just basic stuff really.

Not outrageous, but the two things that stand out for me on that list are the host handling the coats and bags - just would never happen at any of the restaurant meals I’ve ever been to, regardless of the restaurant or who is paying - and the managing the conversation, which sounds more like facilitating a meeting.

YouMightLikeCats · 30/10/2025 17:19

minvee · 30/10/2025 17:09

Go ahead and host at Greg's @YouMightLikeCats. Just remember to not expect your friends to pay for their sausage rolls.

So, genuinely, if I said that (and paid for the sausage rolls), would you view it as hosting? That I had hosted an event at the venue of Greggs?

minvee · 30/10/2025 17:20

@HighLadyofTheNightCourt - no it's not a big deal. But still, hosting a birthday party in a restaurant for 20, 30, 50 people who don't necessarily know each other, is different to rocking up with a handful of your close girlfriends who you've known since the year dot.

minvee · 30/10/2025 17:21

I would view it as you buying some sausage rolls @YouMightLikeCats . In all seriousness.

YouMightLikeCats · 30/10/2025 17:22

minvee · 30/10/2025 17:21

I would view it as you buying some sausage rolls @YouMightLikeCats . In all seriousness.

OK, so suggesting a group of friends go to a place, eat some food which is paid for by the person suggesting it - sometimes this isn't hosting?

Mercurial123 · 30/10/2025 17:24

minvee · 30/10/2025 17:21

I would view it as you buying some sausage rolls @YouMightLikeCats . In all seriousness.

This post is getting even more bizarre.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 30/10/2025 17:28

minvee · 30/10/2025 17:20

@HighLadyofTheNightCourt - no it's not a big deal. But still, hosting a birthday party in a restaurant for 20, 30, 50 people who don't necessarily know each other, is different to rocking up with a handful of your close girlfriends who you've known since the year dot.

If I was going for a meal I would never invite that many people! It’s just not an enjoyable experience.

The only time I end up in a restaurant with more than 15 people is if we go out with DHs family and then we each set up ‘family bills’ so each sibling only pays for their own family.

Birthday meals in my social circle are with close friends not with everyone you’ve ever met! If people want a bigger celebration then they have a party or go out on a pub crawl.

No5ChalksRoad · 30/10/2025 17:29

YouMightLikeCats · 30/10/2025 17:09

As is the, "everyone is just so delighted to see each other anyway." That may well be, but they can do that any day of the week.

The OP has said they can't. Why so insistent that you know OP's situation better than she does, minvee? That's incredibly crass.

Then why did the OP ask in the first place, if she is so certain that her way is acceptable?

CrocusVase · 30/10/2025 17:29

If people want a bigger celebration then they have a party or go out on a pub crawl.

Ah, but how do you manage the finances on a pub crawl? That one really is an etiquette minefield

minvee · 30/10/2025 17:35

If it's your birthday and you invite people somewhere for a dinner you are paying for (as is the norm in your group), then you are hosting yes @YouMightLikeCats . This is no great mystery.

Eg. If I decide to go for it and do something for my next birthday, I'll think about a place people might like and that's not too much of a nightmare for them to get to. I have friends all over London, so maybe somewhere central. I'll look for somewhere that has good veggie / vegan options for people. Many of us will like a cocktail or two, but also others are Muslim or they don't drink, so I'll look at the mocktails too. I want people to have a memorable evening, somewhere they may not necessarily have gone to otherwise. If there's 30-40 odd people, I want a good vibe and not too formal so people can move around and socialise. That's it really.

MeetMyCat · 30/10/2025 17:35

AgentPidge · 25/10/2025 22:52

A party at your home or a hall, you pay. But at a restaurant, everyone pays for themselves, in fact IMO it would be normal for everyone to cover the birthday girls' meal. I would certainly not expect someone to pay for 15 people in a restaurant. That's ridiculous. You could put some wine on the table though.

Edited

This. If me and my friends go to a restaurant for a birthday, we would never consider the host should pay (otherwise none of us could ever afford to do it)!

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 30/10/2025 17:47

CrocusVase · 30/10/2025 17:29

If people want a bigger celebration then they have a party or go out on a pub crawl.

Ah, but how do you manage the finances on a pub crawl? That one really is an etiquette minefield

😂😂 Everyone buys the birthday girl/boy a shot … that’s about it lol

YouMightLikeCats · 30/10/2025 17:58

minvee · 30/10/2025 17:35

If it's your birthday and you invite people somewhere for a dinner you are paying for (as is the norm in your group), then you are hosting yes @YouMightLikeCats . This is no great mystery.

Eg. If I decide to go for it and do something for my next birthday, I'll think about a place people might like and that's not too much of a nightmare for them to get to. I have friends all over London, so maybe somewhere central. I'll look for somewhere that has good veggie / vegan options for people. Many of us will like a cocktail or two, but also others are Muslim or they don't drink, so I'll look at the mocktails too. I want people to have a memorable evening, somewhere they may not necessarily have gone to otherwise. If there's 30-40 odd people, I want a good vibe and not too formal so people can move around and socialise. That's it really.

So what is the differentiating factor between an occasion that is suggested by a person that makes it either "hosting" or not?

The size of the group? The formality of the venue? The occasion (birthday vs "just wanted to socialise")?

Or is there some subtlety between 'suggesting' and 'inviting' that I haven't grasped - if so, again, please could you clarify the differentiating factor?

Arran2024 · 30/10/2025 18:02

minvee · 30/10/2025 16:39

That's fair enough @CrocusVase. But really, nobody is sending formal invites or standing up and making announcements.

We know people who have taken us on holidays, on private jets, etc etc. Insane wealth that we could never reciprocate. But I also know they aren't doing it to be flash or with any expectations whatsoever, because I've known them for decades and they're just not like that.

You will find loads of companies offering to print invitations. My daughter had a load printed for her 21st ( sadly cancelled due to covid).

Sometimes people want to do something a bit more special, and a card based invitation is good because it's easier to control the numbers.

It isn't only for rich people - it's about what works for you and what you choose to spend your money on.

minvee · 30/10/2025 18:05

@YouMightLikeCats , I'm sure you can manage to grasp the difference all by yourself.

YouMightLikeCats · 30/10/2025 18:08

minvee · 30/10/2025 18:05

@YouMightLikeCats , I'm sure you can manage to grasp the difference all by yourself.

No, I'm asking you because I don't know, I want to know, and you said it was no great mystery!

Please, genuinely, i never know the ins and outs of this stuff - I have assumed because I am neuro-diverse.

If you could clarify what I asked it would be greatly appreciated.

No5ChalksRoad · 30/10/2025 18:09

I don't know why people think that manners, etiquette and formality are only for "the rich" whatever that is.

Flixon · 30/10/2025 18:10

I had a 60th last year, I invited 28 people and I paid for them. I would have had 40 , but couldn’t afford to.