To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

[tricerotopsrule]

I was thinking of inviting around 15 pals out for dinner to a nice restaurant to mark my 50th birthday. Normally for ‘normal’ birthdays for mine or others we have all paid for our own meal. But given this is a big birthday I wondered if I should pay for everyone? When I’ve been out for other big birthdays sometimes folk have paid for everyone and other times people pay for themselves.

What’s the norm?? WWYD?

Our birthday nights out are basically casual catch ups with friends. That’s the bit you can’t seem to understand. We generally do all know each other.

We don’t stand on ceremony or engage in any of the formal nonsense suggest by the poster quoting debrettes.

I know. I genuinely laughed out loud when I read that!

My mind is a bit blown by reading all the comments! I’ve taken them on board and thought about it and would have to say in my circle of friends we’ve always just paid for our own meals if we’ve gone out, even it’s for a special birthday, or paid for our own and also chipped in for the birthday persons meal. Nobody has ever questioned that! The reason I wasn’t sure what to do is cos my SIL paid for her partners 60th meal for about 20 folk but that was a set meal in a private room in a restaurant. It was the first time in my entire life someone had done that and I remember feeling quite mortified that she had paid so much for us all.

That’s the only occasion though and I honestly think if, after 50 years of being on this planet and going out with friends for meals, I was to suddenly say I’m paying for them ALL, they would say no you’re not, they’d insist on sending me money after it, and my pals who are struggling financially may feel under pressure to do the same. I’d also worry I was coming across as flash!

As I said up thread it’s ended up not being just one dinner out with 15 folk but now 3 diff meals out with 3 different friend groups, roughly adding up to 15 folk. One group said THEY want to take me out for dinner, and I remember when we went for one of their 50th meals we all paid for our own meal in a restaurant so I think they’d be like WTAF if I declared I was paying for everyone. Another friend group always just splits the bill equally too and has done for years, we did this at a recent 50th birthday meal. The other friend group isn’t so clear as it’s old work pals and some of their big birthdays have been in private venues or homes so they’ve paid for that. But the way I see it is that hiring a venue with finger food etc or hosting at home is very different to all going out for a meal in a restaurant. And if they really don’t want to go they don’t have to!

I agree with folk who say that a dinner with pals in a restaurant isn’t a formal ‘invitation’ thing, it’s being arranged on WhatsApp with folk having a say where we will eat etc. We’ve chosen somewhere that’s not crazy prices, that everyone knows and loves. I’ve said no gifts please and it’s just a way to catch up with good friends and I plan at all the diff meals to pay for all the drinks which feels like a good middle ground.

I can’t have it at home as I live quite far from many people and also don’t live in a big house. My main thing is to see it as an excuse to catch up with friends I’ve not seen for years and I’d hope none of them would only want to go if it was all transactional!

Incidentally everyone seems so excited just to catch up with each other and that’s the main reason we are meeting up, it’s long overdue with some groups and if they feel utterly offended if they then have to pay for their food in a restaurant then I think that would be weird as I would personally never ever feel like that if I went to someone’s birthday meal!

Reading that Debretts list, there is actually nothing on there that isn't basic common sense. Or should be!

Personally, I think this line, "they don't have to come if they don't want to," is just a convenient cop out, but there you go. As is the, "everyone is just so delighted to see each other anyway." That may well be, but they can do that any day of the week.

If you’re taking advice from Debtrettes then we move in very different circles. And I’m perfectly okay with that!

Maybe you and your friends aren’t genuinely happy to see each other. But we are, and we do socialise pretty much every week.

The pretext for the party is irrelevant - birthday, wedding, Guy Fawkes Day, or just a Saturday night. The host pays.

Plus, it's pretty crass to hold a "celebrate meeeee!" event at other people's expense.

We don't all go through life as the lowest common denominator.

Your comments are harsh and very black and white @minvee! There have been numerous people pointing this out but it seems that you are only accepting your own view. And trying to round up a group of Middle Aged women who have kids, jobs and aging parents is not a matter of being able to catch up any day of the week, far from it! I personally felt a real love and warmth when they all replied immediately on WhatsApp to say they’d def be there, one even said ‘I will move heaven and earth to be there and wouldn’t miss it for the world!’ and we are renowned for taking ages to try to get mutual dates for a get together.

It’s pretty sad that you’re minimising that.

That must be where I'm going wrong in life by not owning a copy... Great you do. Do you wear your tiara when hosting?

OP, if you are so mind-boggled and shocked at the notion that some people actually host, why did you post your question in the first place? Clearly you still seem in disbelief that some people lead social lives that don't always involve separate-check meetups at cheap restaurants.

According to Debretts, tiaras are only for white tie events. I’m tickled at the idea of that poster hosting a white tie event in any of the more casual restaurants my circle tends to go to for meals out.

You become more insufferable and ghastly with every post

I am not shocked that people host, I am well aware some do and some don’t and some do for certain things and not others. I’m not shocked at the responses but more about how people are talking to each other on this post. A lot of it is really quite sad and patronising to people who can’t afford big lavish affairs with formal invites and TBH there is no part of me that would want to move in those circles. I prefer intimate get togethers where we can have a laugh, all chat, we all know each other so feel totally comfortable (hence the separate friend group meets), it’s all chilled, affordable and importantly FUN.

If I sent formal invites to my pals and stood up and announced I shall pay for everyone when no one has ever done that before in these circs and with these friends they’d be like ‘WTAF?!’ And I know some would then feel bad if they couldn’t do the same etc. As I said the only time someone has paid for the whole thing was my SIL for a family dinner in a private venue, not at an informal, relaxed and fun meal with long standing mates. It just happens to be my birthday month, I don’t expect gifts, I’ve told them it’s not a big thing but a good reason to get us all together. It would be a very sad world if I felt I couldn’t see any friends because I can’t afford to pay for them all or fit them in my home.

You sound lovely, and so do your friends.

Ignore the rude posters who think you are doing it all wrong. I hope you have a great birthday 🎂

OP, I'm sure your friends are all lovely and genuinely want to be there for you. I don't mean to minimise that and I don't doubt it. I'm sure you'll have a lovely time whatever you do. And of course I recognise that paying for dinner for 15 people is a lot for many people.

But you did ask in AIBU and it's the internet so you will inevitably get a range of perspectives.

And I'm sorry, but I do think the line, "Well they don't actually have to come, do they," or "it's not a summons," or "they're only paying for what they order," etc etc, which I have heard from various people on this thread, (not you specifically), is totally missing the point and a convenient way to evade the issue. You could literally say that about anything. Charge for dinner at your wedding - "oh well, they didn't have to come did they? And they're only paying for what they're eating."

But you know your friends best so I hope you have a fantastic time, whatever you do,

If I sent formal invites to my pals and stood up and announced I shall pay for everyone when no one has ever done that before in these circs and with these friends they’d be like ‘WTAF?!’ And I know some would then feel bad if they couldn’t do the same etc.

I think this is the crux of it, really. I still stand by my view that there is no norm and the etiquette depends on your individual circle, but even for those people who seem wedded to the more formal side of things, surely good manners means that you try not to make people feel uncomfortable or bad? Even if good manners means that you have to go outside what you feel is etiquette.

I still stand by my view that there is no norm and the etiquette depends on your individual circle,

I agree. What's normal for the Debretts readers is not what's normal for many of us. I don't have a problem with the idea that wealthy people can afford to pay for a groups of friends in a restaurant, and I don't tell them that what they are doing is wrong.

I have a problem with being told that what I and my friendship group do is rude because it isn't. It's common practice and just different from their norm.

And being told that if I can't afford to feed friends in a restaurant then I should just visit a park and share a packet of crisps with my friends is just bonkers. I have a Novemeber birthday, and it isn't going to happen.

That's fair enough @CrocusVase. But really, nobody is sending formal invites or standing up and making announcements.

We know people who have taken us on holidays, on private jets, etc etc. Insane wealth that we could never reciprocate. But I also know they aren't doing it to be flash or with any expectations whatsoever, because I've known them for decades and they're just not like that.

It's hardly rude to answer the actual question posed in the subject line of the OP, on a public forum frequented by people from all walks of life.

If the OP didn't want opinions that are outside of her experience, why on earth did she pose the query in the first place? She seems comfortable with her social circle norms.

I’m not the OP so not sure why you’ve quoted me.
I’m not mind boggled that people ‘host’ and pay the whole bill.
What does perplex me is that some people feel we should all be living our lives according to debrettes and those who don’t are rude, entitled and crass.

I have a very wide social circle. I have friends from my poor working class past as well as friends from my very, very middle class current life. None of them consult Debrettes before organising a social occasion. People turn up because they like their friends and not because they’re getting a free meal.

I hope you have a lovely birthday OP

Excellent, good to know thanks. I don't want to show myself up next time I go out to dinner for my birthday (at a cheap, nasty place according to this poster).

The cheap restaurants I frequent are local businesses often family run. I’m happy to support them and my local community ❤️

It's so easy to scoff but could I ask - what is it that some people actually find so outrageous on that list? If you were hosting a group who didn't all know each other, would you not introduce them, make sure people felt welcome, all had drinks etc. It's just basic stuff really.

I have a few different friendship groups so when we do go out everyone knows everyone. I don't do huge gatherings, and don't have parties.

But yes, I would introduce people to each other if they didn't know each other. It's good manners. I would hate for anyone to feel excluded.