MIL implying husband resents co sleeping and we need “adult time”

[Kahan]

my baby (7 months) sleeps in a co sleeper crib next to my main bed. We have 2 yo in bed with us. I’ve had post partum with both pregnancies and found it much easier to manage when co sleeping. I do have to admit I have easy babies. So I’ve lucked out. But MIL commented that maybe it’s time we utilised the nursery so we could have some space back to be adults. Dh shut her down straight away and said it was up to me. But it’s really got me worried. Husband obviously admits he finds the babies being in with us not ideal but supports me as it’s easiest for me. We’ve tried separate bedrooms but husband prefers sleeping with us anyway. I’m just very paranoid now. Husband has said it would be nice to have our room back but the babies are only young once. I get so much better sleep as I am breastfeeding. The other day I was speaking to a couple of friends and they ended up being really judgmental about wives that prioritise their kids over their husbands and almost using that to explain cheating . I just nodded along but was horrified on the inside. Our sex life is rubbish. It used to be very good. I just have no energy. Co sleeping works. Well it allows me to sleep.

Should I take the advice of mil/froends?

Your DH has said he’d like the bedroom back for you too and it sounds like eventually rather than right now. Maybe work towards that.

If your DH isn’t happy then I do think you need to look at making changes.

Husband has a job where he needs to be rested. We tried separate rooms for that initially but he’s the one who decided to sleep back in the bedroom. My baby only stirs but is perfectly fine once I breastfeed and cuddle for a little bit. I always try to be as quick and quiet as possible for DH’s sake

Hi OP.
It is all up to you and your DH. But you do need a good night sleep too. And the babies need to learn to settle on their own.
I think it is about a good time with your 2 year old. If he/ she can talk, then more reason. They can call you, tell you what happened, if they are thirsty...At least put them in the nursery in their cot for naps. Then progress to nights.
With the breastfeeding baby, I think is normal for the baby to be by you.
I would not pay any attention to other people's comments. It is you and yoyr DH. But I would listen to his wish of getting some space and time back.

I’m curious you talk about your “babies” OP. It sounds like you have one baby and one 2yo - ie not a baby. Is there a chance you are resistant to acknowledging that your older child is growing up?

I also find it striking you talk about “us” meaning you and the children, but not your husband. When people in strong relationships talk about “us” they normally mean the two adult partners. It sounds a little like you might be beginning to mentally exclude your husband.

Presumably you see the connection between having both your children with you every night and a poor sex life?

I’m still not quite myself so have just gone with what actually works

But it’s not working for your husband from the sound of it.

He's let you know the arrangement isn't great for him. Obviously his mum can keep her nose out, but he's told you what he wants as well. He doesn't want to sleep alone, and he doesn't want to sleep as a family. Is there any compromise to be made?

I co-slept when my babies were little but no way would I have had two in my room for so long. You need to train the elder child especially into going in their own room, otherwise this will be totally alien to them and you’re likely to have problems getting them to accept their own space. As for the youngest, they recommend baby is in with you for 6 months, so that’s not such an issue but I’d be looking to acclimatise them now. Put them down for naps in their own room, try putting them in there too at the start of the night and only bring them in if they won’t settle and it helps you to get some sleep.

Whilst young children are tiring, I don’t think it’s good to accept that your sex life is rubbish because you’re too exhausted and just leave it at that. You and your partner need to work together on childcare and spend some time as a couple. Given MIL is interfering, would she babysit so you could both go out for dinner or to do things as a couple? I think that it’s important, if you want your relationship to be healthy. Make sure you split childcare at the weekend so both of you get a lie in and a chance to catch up on sleep. Beyond that, you should be able to make some time for each other. It’s sometimes about prioritising that though.

Why does the 2 year old need to be with you?

I kind of agree with your MIL but I certainly* *wouldn't have voiced my opinion unless asked!
We did have the kids sleep with us if they were ill etc but from being about 1 year old they went in their own room (reliably sleeping through with no night feeds). I definitely would have the 2 year old in their own room.
It is entirely up to you and your DH but I do think short term pain for long term gain applies to kids sleeping arrangements.

hmm I didn’t realise that I do refer to my children as babies. I don’t think I coddle the 2 yo. The 2 yo is up constantly if he’s in his own room. He sleeps like a log in our bed. Won’t even get up really

The 2-year-old should be in their own room.

I wonder if your DH has been talking to his mother privately, which is why she commented.

You probably do need adult time. Couples do need to make time for each other.

I think the only person you should be talking to about your family sleeping arrangements is your DH. How can his mother and your friends have a more reliable opinion on the matter than the man himself? Seems to me you already know know he doesn't love the set up but is prepared to tolerate it for the greater good. So I'd just check in with him and make sure he's still of this frame of mind, and ignore everyone else. Shocked tbh as a mother of adult sons that your MiL would advise on your bedroom arrangements!

Don’t let people make you feel guilty for co-sleeping. Your children are only young once. It is only in this part of the world where children are expected to sleep by themselves, put themselves to sleep etc.. when most adults prefer not to sleep
alone. Do what works for you.

I think the baby in your room is fine, the toddler needs to settle alone in there room. Our ds use to come into bed during night at 2- which meant terrible sleep for all! Toddlers are so squirmy! Also at 2 he/she needs that independence.

Our sex life is rubbish

Well, of course it is. There's a child in bed with you every night.

Firstly, don't make assumptions about what your DH thinks - talk to him. But secondly, you need to be open to what he says.

In terms of adult time, that doesn’t always need to
happen at night. The MIL can surely look after the kids for a few hours if she is so concerned about your adult time.

Sorry is it 1825? The OP's mental health comes second to her DH being 'happy'?

Most two year olds would initially sleep better with parents, when that’s all they’ve known. They need training to sleep by themselves and this will disrupt sleep a bit, but it’s not forever. It’s about being really consistent and sharing the load. Do it at a weekend when your DH doesn’t have work. This is about teaching your child, allowing them to grow and mature, as well as giving you and your DH time together.

Would you actually like to spent more time with him and to get your sex life back? There was no mention of you missing any of this or even recognising an issue. Presumably, you enjoyed intimacy and had a good sex life to conceive your children?

Then you should sleep alone and enjoy the so called independence.

You think the OP should put her mental health further down the priority list?

Going against the grain here. It may not be ideal from your husband's perspective, but the alternative isn't easy from your perspective, and there is no inherent reason why his needs have to take precedence over yours. And he has said that he is happy to wait until you're ready.

Lots of people are a bit funny about co-sleeping in this country, so that will inevitably affect the responses you get on here, but it's perfectly normal and natural, and it won't be forever.

Your husband sounds like he is fine with the situation for the time being. And it is nobody else's business.