MIL implying husband resents co sleeping and we need “adult time”

[Kahan]

my baby (7 months) sleeps in a co sleeper crib next to my main bed. We have 2 yo in bed with us. I’ve had post partum with both pregnancies and found it much easier to manage when co sleeping. I do have to admit I have easy babies. So I’ve lucked out. But MIL commented that maybe it’s time we utilised the nursery so we could have some space back to be adults. Dh shut her down straight away and said it was up to me. But it’s really got me worried. Husband obviously admits he finds the babies being in with us not ideal but supports me as it’s easiest for me. We’ve tried separate bedrooms but husband prefers sleeping with us anyway. I’m just very paranoid now. Husband has said it would be nice to have our room back but the babies are only young once. I get so much better sleep as I am breastfeeding. The other day I was speaking to a couple of friends and they ended up being really judgmental about wives that prioritise their kids over their husbands and almost using that to explain cheating . I just nodded along but was horrified on the inside. Our sex life is rubbish. It used to be very good. I just have no energy. Co sleeping works. Well it allows me to sleep.

Should I take the advice of mil/froends?

This is a tricky one. I totally understand wanting to get better sleep, they’re only young once etc. I have friends who have co-slept for years and they absolutely love it. I am not judgemental - everyone should do what works for them.

For me personally, I knew before having children that I would not co-sleep. Sex and intimacy is a high priority for me and DH. Our marriage deserves to be nurtured as well as our children. I am conscious that I don’t want to lose ‘us’ in the midst raising children.

If you want to stay co-sleeping, are there other things you could be doing to improve your sex life?

Why does a very small child need to be alone but a grown man needs someone to sleep with?

You don't need to share a bed to have a sex, problems with intimacy are common when in the early days of children.

@Kahan
You have two problems really - firstly your DH discussing marital business with his mother and secondly your MIL discussing this with you.

Both need a serious word.

Then you need to think about what is best for YOU and your children. If the current arrangements are best for you then you're allowed to talk to your DH about that. He should not ask you to put your needs to the bottom of the heap.

You are getting a ridiculous amount of sh*t on here OP, with no acknowledgement of how hard this time is, and how mammals (which we are!) naturally feed their young.

I think you do whatever you need to do to get through the first year, and if you’re breastfeeding that is absolutely having the baby with you. You might want to think about a little bed in another room for your 2-year-old if they’re ready, but if what you’re doing works then there’s no rush. Your husband has agreed it’s only for a short time. Ignore everyone else. It’s not like you’re going to be swinging from the chandeliers when you’re 7 months post-partum, is it?!

You sound like you’re doing a great job. Trust your instincts! You’re giving your babies a wonderful, secure, loving start to their lives, which will pay off in spades. I was similar with my two, and they’re the most lovely teenagers now.

Worth noting, I think, that in millions of parents in developing countries are co-sleeping because they have to, not because they necessarily want to or think it's better for their children.

By all means sleep with a child in your bed every night if both partners are fine with it and are prepared to forgo their privacy and sex life for years, but if one partner isn't fine with that, it's going to have a negative impact on the marriage.

I don’t know. Part of me thinks it’s no one else’s business. But … I do find the co sleeping evangelists a bit … odd. Sorry. But you did ask for honesty.

I coslept with all my children, but by 2 years old it was only when they were ill.

I'd focus on moving the 2 year old at the moment.

If they’re easy babies you lucked out with, surely they would have been easy to put in their own room? I always thought it was something people did when they had no choice as DC wouldn’t settle.

Co-sleeping at 2 years sounds extreme to me.

Each to their own, but if I were you, I’d ask DH to be honest about how he feels about it.

I had similar age difference between my children (now 6 and 8). Mine were terrible sleepers till 1,5 years. It was exhausting, I was also breastfeeding. I was against coosleeping but at one point I gave in with the eldest as I didn't get any sleep and it worked. However, from the age of 6 months I consistently tried them to sleep in their own room and beds, there was a point where they were coming to our bed but setting boundaries is essential. Later on down the line is so hard to change the habits and move them to their own beds. We were very consistent. It is hard balance but you need to have connection (not.even talking.about.sex) with your husband. It is not prioritising husband or children but respecting everyone's needs. You can do it gently (reinforce sleeping habbits), at your own pace but also recognise that current situation can only be temporary.

I would ignore MIL and friends, but I would speak to your husband so that you know what he’s thinking.

Our children didn’t sleep well and we were completely shattered, so they came in with us. Of course it would have been great if they slept in their own rooms, but they didn’t and we all needed sleep so we did what we had to do. It’s not for long on the grand scheme of things.

Neither of us seen it as me prioritising the kids over my partner, I find that an odd thing to say. The children were both of our responsibility, not just mine, your MIL and friends talk as if his own children are something you are inflicting on him. Good grief!

As we saw it, WE had young children, I was breastfeeding, they didn’t sleep well alone and we both did what we needed to do at that time for everyone to get sleep. We are 20 years after that part of our life and actually look back at it with fondness. If my partner thought of cheating at the time because of it, then he’d have been a fool and I’d have been better off without him. Thankfully he was a responsible adult, understood that we chose to have children and we dealt with it together and it made us stronger as a couple. He loves me, loves our children and we got on with life as it was at that time.

IF you feel like having sex, it doesn’t have to be in bed anyway. If your MIL and friends need a bed to have sex, maybe they should concentrate on improving their own sex life rather than being concerned for other people’s.

I don’t think that’s an assumption that can so easily be made. Are you from one of these countries? Speaking from experience, not sure why the sex life needs to suffer in this case…. and privacy? There’s no such thing as privacy with young children.

THIS!! everyone seems to be so stuck on the ex having to be in bed.

MIL needs to butt out.

But ..... your current scenario sounds seriously flawed. It is likely undermining your relationship with your OH and then risks undermining the stability of your family going forward.

Keeping the babies in your bed is a very efficient way of avoiding talking about the fact that your sex life is in trouble.

It's cultural in many places, and common practice regardless of whether or not people could choose to do otherwise.

There’s no way I would co-sleep with a 2yo on a regular basis.

But it’s whatever works best for you both.

But what age are you going to make the eldest sleep in their own room?
As the baby gets older, they might want to co-sleep and you can’t have 2 in your bed and you’ll have a nightmare trying to get the eldest back in their own bed.

I think a breastfeeding mother of a 7 month old should sleep in whichever way she likes tbh!!

I simply don’t understand the adult time stuff tbh… you presumably spend time downstairs in the evening whilst children are upstairs asleep? Problem solved surely?

@Kahan
By adult time are we meaning sex?
Because you guys can still have sex in another room while the kids are asleep in your bed should you so wish.

If you are so knackered that when you put them to sleep in the double bed, you fall asleep yourself and consequently never spend any time alone together be it just chatting or watching a film or being intimate, then that’s another matter.
I think it’s a case of both talking about what you need.

It's none of her business, but it sounds like MIL has a point. You and DH need to work out a way that everyone's needs are met. A rubbish sex life isn't something that will help you have a happy marriage.

MIL should butt out.

We (me and DH) co-slept with ds1&2 who has a 16m age gap. We transferred them into their own shared bed when DS2 was around 18m (ie when I was night weaning him). I'm not sure people who haven't bf will appreciate the difference that co-sleeping makes.

Lack of sex is a separate issue. Presumably you're feeling "touched out" a lot of the time. Dh needs to step up regularly to help tackle that. Can you go out for half an hour every day when he gets back from work? I used to go for a walk or if the weather was bad I'd sit on the car with a cuppa and a book - it made a big difference to how I felt in myself which meant I was more "up for it".

Separately, we had sex everywhere except our own bedroom for a long time because that was where the children were. If anyone was rude enough to comment about any potential impact on our sex lives from co-sleeping I'd say it actually made it more interesting (which it did) and that I felt sorry for boring people who only had sex in a bed. That'd probably shut your MIL up quick.

Why would your MIL randomly come out with that comment? Were you in conversation about it or has DH been speaking to her about it?

So, people who are married and have a couple of bedrooms, can only have sex in one and at night time? Weird.

How does MIL know what the sleeping arrangements are?

I think some posters are just lacking a bit in imagination.

Having the baby in the same room whilst breastfeeding is fine, but wouldn't have 2 yr old in same bed, by the sounds of it no reason they couldn't be in their own bed.

MIL should not know about things like that.