MIL implying husband resents co sleeping and we need “adult time”

[Kahan]

my baby (7 months) sleeps in a co sleeper crib next to my main bed. We have 2 yo in bed with us. I’ve had post partum with both pregnancies and found it much easier to manage when co sleeping. I do have to admit I have easy babies. So I’ve lucked out. But MIL commented that maybe it’s time we utilised the nursery so we could have some space back to be adults. Dh shut her down straight away and said it was up to me. But it’s really got me worried. Husband obviously admits he finds the babies being in with us not ideal but supports me as it’s easiest for me. We’ve tried separate bedrooms but husband prefers sleeping with us anyway. I’m just very paranoid now. Husband has said it would be nice to have our room back but the babies are only young once. I get so much better sleep as I am breastfeeding. The other day I was speaking to a couple of friends and they ended up being really judgmental about wives that prioritise their kids over their husbands and almost using that to explain cheating . I just nodded along but was horrified on the inside. Our sex life is rubbish. It used to be very good. I just have no energy. Co sleeping works. Well it allows me to sleep.

Should I take the advice of mil/froends?

Pushed out? Yuk. There really is nothing more revolting than a man who is jealous of his own children. My partner would never have seen himself as pushed out because he involved himself in our lives. He is my partner, the man who is the father of the children in his bed, being breastfed. We are a team and he is an adult who realised this can be a part of having children and that this was a small period of time in our life together. Some people really just shouldn’t have children.

There is nothing remotely ridiculous about co-sleeping. Fair enough if it isn't right for you, but what is ridiculous is judging how other people choose to manage their sleeping arrangements.

Wind your neck in.

A two year old isn’t sophisticated enough to be manipulative and some people marry decent partners who know it’s only a season of life.

It is ridiculous. It is harmful for marriage and for the children. No I won't wind my neck in, maybe you should though.

A two year old isn’t sophisticated enough to be manipulative

Tell me you haven't had a two year old without telling me... Two year olds know how to have tantrums to get what they want.

You're talking nonsense.

If you don't know anything about a subject, then you probably shouldn't comment.

Biologically speaking this is a natural set up. Who’d leave a toddler or baby in their own cave or tent at night! So in lots of cultures children stay with their Mum’s to sleep till they’re around aged 5-6 anyway.

In our family, we just did what gave us the most sleep. When your baby is weaned I expected they’ll move together into a room quite easily. Or at least ours did. They wanted separate rooms when they got to teen years.

Our kids are starting to fly the nest now and those intense baby:toddler days now feel like they past in a flash. Whatever you decide today won’t be a plan forever. Just what gets you sleep now.

You do need to nurture your relationship and cherish your partner - that works both ways, of course. I do think some people mentally replace their partner with the kids emotionally. We used to trade in sleep back in those days - it was that precious! If I can do this, you have the Sunday lie-in and ‘ll take kids to the park.

Was very surprised to see that statement too!! Seems pretty backwards. Maybe the OP should be greeting her husband with full make up, heels and sexy underwear every day too to make sure he’s happy enough 🙄

personally I don’t see anything wrong with co sleeping. If it works for you then go with it! Don’t let your MIL tell otherwise - frankly it’s none of her business!

My eldest slept with me and my husband until he was 4. There are other rooms in your house to have sex in. When I was pregnant with my second, we moved into a smaller room and made the big one into a room for two children and both of us took turns at sleeping in one of the single beds with our son in the other one. Didn't matter who slept there, he always got up during the night to go into the double bed. When the baby arrived he was in a crib by the double bed with me, but the oldest wanted to be in there too, so we let him and my husband slept in the other room. One night he suddenly announced " that boy is waking me up all the time mum, so I'm going into my own bed. And that was it.

They aren't babies for long. I have been married for 38 years today. 4/5 years out of that was nothing and we didn't stop having sex for 4 years or I wouldn't have had my second, whom I lost, or my third who was "that boy".

Just get creative and don't "sleep train" your babies, they will eventually want their own bed.

Best of luck. x

Can you look into ways to be intimate with your husband separately from nights? It sounds like you have a spare bedroom where he was sleeping for example, could you use it? Any opportunity to be creative in the daytime?

I would try putting 2yo to bed to start the night in his own room - you can always bring him back later in the night when you're tired, but after you've had some time with your DH either to be intimate or just to spend time together as a couple.

Actually her husband doesn’t seem particularly bothered from what OP has said so far. It’s just his mother worrying about him getting his dick wet….which is 😬

Keeping your kids with you 24/7 reduces the risk of anything bad happening to them, too, but at some stage we learn we can't wrap them in cotton wool forever.

No you are the one that is talking nonsense and shouldn't be talking on this.

I have a two year old right now… you have a very strange and malign view of small children

No need to overthink things. What do YOU want to do? Hard to turf a toddler out of a family bed just as a new baby arrives. But maybe once baby stops nursing at night it is an opportunity to move both children to their own beds at the same time. Involve the older one in the process of settling the younger in and setting an example. But if you want to carry on sleeping together, carry on. You can still make time to be grown-ups only with DH elsewhere once the kids are asleep or being looked after by MIL.

So you've never hit the terrible twos then. Just you wait.

Good for you, but what works for one doesn’t necessarily work for the other. My bedroom is now my space but when my kids were babies/toddlers it was their space as well as ours, and I enjoyed it at the time.

With those ages, you are really in the thick of it right now. Been there, done that, wouldn't do it again if paid to. Having two young children with very different needs due to the age gap, the thing that is easiest to lose is the intimacy. Best advice I can give is to talk to each other, and be deliberate in scheduling date nights, making time to have dinner together, give each other time off when needed etc. There is a balance, which is tricky to find. but if you don't try, then that says a lot. Good luck.

We did this for quite a while when the kids were very young. We had a big bed.
we also had a pull out sofa bed in the living room and had sex there often instead! We kept our relationship alive and had our babies close to us when they were little. Best of both worlds.

it was a relief when we got our bed back to ourselves and sex could become more spontaneous again rather than pulling out the sofa bed each time 😂 but what I’m trying to say is it doesn’t have to be one or the other. Find something that makes your lives easiest but don’t forget that your marriage is a hugely important part of being a family.

Where does/did 2yo nap?

no I mean it is literally recommended by the NHS etc to keep your child in the room with you to significantly lower their risk of SIDS, you’re children must be adults now as it has been guidance for quite some time

Husband obviously admits he finds the babies being in with us not ideal

And OP admits they slept in separate rooms for a while due to it. It sounds like he confided in his mother and it upsets him more than he is admitting to OP.

What terrible, outdated advice. For a start, the guidelines of all major health bodies recommend babies share a room with their parents until at least 6 months old.

Secondly, there’s nothing ridiculous about co sleeping. It’s completely natural for children to want close proximity to their mothers and vice versa. It’s practiced all over the world and is the norm in many cultures.

Strong marriages can and do easily survive co sleeping. Don’t fear.

Yes I know and some recommendations by NHS are batshit crazy, this is one of them.

I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy being a parent, and sorry for your children that you have such an unpleasant view of them.