MIL implying husband resents co sleeping and we need “adult time”

[Kahan]

my baby (7 months) sleeps in a co sleeper crib next to my main bed. We have 2 yo in bed with us. I’ve had post partum with both pregnancies and found it much easier to manage when co sleeping. I do have to admit I have easy babies. So I’ve lucked out. But MIL commented that maybe it’s time we utilised the nursery so we could have some space back to be adults. Dh shut her down straight away and said it was up to me. But it’s really got me worried. Husband obviously admits he finds the babies being in with us not ideal but supports me as it’s easiest for me. We’ve tried separate bedrooms but husband prefers sleeping with us anyway. I’m just very paranoid now. Husband has said it would be nice to have our room back but the babies are only young once. I get so much better sleep as I am breastfeeding. The other day I was speaking to a couple of friends and they ended up being really judgmental about wives that prioritise their kids over their husbands and almost using that to explain cheating . I just nodded along but was horrified on the inside. Our sex life is rubbish. It used to be very good. I just have no energy. Co sleeping works. Well it allows me to sleep.

Should I take the advice of mil/froends?

Obviously it has absolutely nothing to do with MIL so she can keep her nose out of it. And it sounds as though you have a lovely supportive DH which is brilliant. It does sound as though he would like to work towards getting the bed back to the two of you so maybe you can start thinking of ways to gradually achieve that for the sake of all of you. It doesn’t have to be an immediate change but think of what may work and make sure you do still prioritise couple time as well. It’s so important.

God poor OP she's attracted the absolute nut jobs from both end of the spectrum here.

So you’re saying that when the baby gets to 30yrs old, then they should sleep in a separate bed?? Hmmm 🤔

I don't think the 2 are necessarily connected.

I also coslept with my kids and DH and I used to have sex in the living room as soon as they were down to sleep.

I coslept too but at 1.5 I kicked baby and husband out for a few nights to duke it out between them until the co sleeping habit was broken. Could you pass on responsibility for older child to him? It helped that we both worked so none of this was solely my responsibility. It is quite frankly nothing to do with your MIL so I’m not sure why she decided to overstep.

Without being overly critical, you admit yourself you have one child who is a very “easy” sleeper. The OP has said that the older child doesn’t settle well alone and she has two under two essentially.

Most people with a seven month old baby will have a fairly crap sex life due to being knackered, thats not unusual at all, what is unusual is your MIL being so concerned about her sons penis.

Our son slept with us until he was 4.5 and sometimes still opts to join us in the night, our three year old sleeps with us 90% of the time. Zero impact on our sex life.

Is the problem the lack of sex or the disturbed sleep? If you have another bedroom can you have sex there before you go to sleep in the bed with the kids (assuming you don't go to bed at the same time as them)?

Your sleeping arrangements aren’t you MIL’s business.

Your DH may vent to her about it, but essentially she should just listen to him and give him advice rather than tell you what you should or shouldn’t be doing.

You need to sit down with your DH and have an open and honest discussion about how you are both feeling about the sleep situation.

Every child and every couple are different. So there’s no “right way” or “wrong way” about it, but you need to be on the same page.

But it isn't the mother-in-law's place to try and "nudge" the OP and her DH into anything. That is for them to decide as parents.

The fact that the 2yo may be more than capable of sleeping in their own room now doesn't mean that that's the optimal arrangement. And yes, the time will come when they all move on to different sleeping arrangements, but that doesn't necessarily require much effort at all if it is led by the needs of the child.

Not to derail the thread but it made me wonder…I often wonder how couples carry on their sex lives in cultures like Japan & parts of Africa where it’s the norm for the mother to co-sleep with the kids until puberty and the dad to sleep in a separate room….

Creativity and imagination.

I had a conversation with my ex about this today - it's an incredibly old fashioned view that sex only happens at night, in bed. The convo was regarding our teenage DS who has a g/f that stays over.
Our DS slept with us upto the age of 7! He has ASD and was an absolute nightmare when younger. He woke every 90mins.
Long story short, we became more inventive regards our sex life. Sure, it was mostly 'quickies' here and there.
Of course me moaned about it, it certainly wasn't a secret to family and friends. But tbh, our sex life was non of their business and I would have shut anyone down if they'd been critical.
I'd ignore your MIL, she simply has different views to yours. Your DH sounds like he's patient but could have maybe had a winge to his DM. Does he know she spoke to you about it?

With much love... why are you asking us?

Ask your husband.

It sounds to me like he'd prefer to have his bed back to just the two of you but understands entirely why, for lots of reasons, things are the way they are.

He sounds supportive.

I co-slept with my son until he was 6. I'm a huge advocate of co-sleeping, I don't think either of your children 'should' be in their own room - unless your marriage is really suffering. But if everyone is happy and getting sleep, that's a win for me. Even if your babies are easy. Because the bonds you're building are magical, and your husband is right - you won't get the time back.

The only way you can find out if your husband is accurately reflecting his real thoughts and feelings on the situation, is by having an open and honest conversation.

Doesn't matter what your mil thinks, or your friends, or us randoms on the internet.

If you are all happy, stay happy.

If one of you isn't, what compromises need to be made?

You sound really anxious and still quite low. Take care and don't let other people create unhelpful narratives in your head. Talk to your husband x

What you’ve suggested is against all current paediatric advice…and very angry. Maybe you can address whatever needs addressing personally?

Most of Mumsnet would agree with her.It’s very depressing.

Regardless of whether MIL is lying or not, do you think DH will help try to settle them both, or will you be expected to get on with it alone? If you're going to be expected to do it all for his convenience, I personally don't agree you should change a thing. Your DH hasn't actually said anything to you, so if just ignore your MIL and crack on.

Co-sleeping worked for us but DH and I are from cultures where co-sleeping is normal/encouraged, especially with breastfeeding babies. DH has always been involved with bedtime (especially after we had DS2 and needed to tag team between rooms). Youngest is now 5, we have our bed back. We still allow them in if they want (usually if one is unwell or they just want to be close).

This is an extreme, judgemental and deeply unhelpful response. It's also against guidelines, which recommend that babies sleep and take all naps in the same room as their parents for the first 6 months of their life.

Your youngest is still so young! Please don’t put yourself under pressure if you’ve found something that is working. Life can feel tough with two under 3.

I would have an honest chat with your husband to find out where he’s at, and perhaps make a loose plan together to eventually reclaim your marital bed. And get inventive with your love life in the meantime and make time during the day if you can sometimes.

Your DP is an absolute twat for suggesting he could cheat on you because of the co-sleeping arrangement- that's pretty much unforgivable, especially when youve struggling.

Your mil also needs to shut her mouth..

OP I would sit back and consider if the people in your life are actually helping your MH, life gets alot better when you but out toxic people

What on earth are you talking about?

He didn’t Tbf, that was her very stupid friends. In fact, OPs husband doesn’t seem to have an issue with it really, just his mother. Ick.

He didn't say that at all.

Maybe read the thread before you leap in with your insults?

It was a reasonable response to your post tbh.

The OP explained that she had struggled with her mental health post partum but was finding co-sleeping helpful. Her DH doesn't find it ideal but has indicated that he recognises it is temporary and is willing to go along with whatever suits the OP.

I'm not sure why you would instantly suggest that the OP should change an arrangement which is working for her mental health during a stressful period, simply to fix something that is less than ideal but clearly tolerable for her DH. It says something about your priorities that that was your first thought.

I think you are being extremely selfish OP and are not taking your DH's feelings into account.