MIL implying husband resents co sleeping and we need “adult time”

[Kahan]

my baby (7 months) sleeps in a co sleeper crib next to my main bed. We have 2 yo in bed with us. I’ve had post partum with both pregnancies and found it much easier to manage when co sleeping. I do have to admit I have easy babies. So I’ve lucked out. But MIL commented that maybe it’s time we utilised the nursery so we could have some space back to be adults. Dh shut her down straight away and said it was up to me. But it’s really got me worried. Husband obviously admits he finds the babies being in with us not ideal but supports me as it’s easiest for me. We’ve tried separate bedrooms but husband prefers sleeping with us anyway. I’m just very paranoid now. Husband has said it would be nice to have our room back but the babies are only young once. I get so much better sleep as I am breastfeeding. The other day I was speaking to a couple of friends and they ended up being really judgmental about wives that prioritise their kids over their husbands and almost using that to explain cheating . I just nodded along but was horrified on the inside. Our sex life is rubbish. It used to be very good. I just have no energy. Co sleeping works. Well it allows me to sleep.

Should I take the advice of mil/froends?

You know unexplained death rates of infants have gone significantly in the last 35 years, it’s not “batshit” it’s scientifically grounded advice. I bet you have some quite funky other views too

Why not?

Co-sleeping is the norm in many parts of the world - it is perfectly natural and normal.

I am speaking from my own experience of having co-slept with my dd who is now an adult. It didn't harm her in the slightest - quite the contrary, I think. And it didn't harm my relationship either, her dad and I are still happily married many years later. And I know many other families for whom it worked brilliantly.

I'm not sure what you're basing your assumptions on, but you clearly have no idea what you're on about.

It is exhausting nurturing young children and the demands often placed on the mother and wife are often overloading when we only have so much in the tank.

I would advise deprioritising investigating whether the MIL is justified in her intervention, and instead consider whether she has voiced what your husband has expressed to her.

PP in the 50s and 60s looking back fondly to their baby rearing days decades earlier should not be your guide. I would caution you that quite often dramatically reduced intimacy in a marriage does not a strong union make.

You are knackered, so sex is off the menu for the time being. What can be done to reduce your load so that you have the emotional and physical headspace to be in a place where intimacy within your marriage is a priority again for you?

This is a question for you to consider initially and to then discuss with DH. I am sure he will be keen to make a few tweaks - or perhaps radical changes - to regenerate the emotional closeness which is so often lost in relationships when babies arrive, and sometimes never quite returns.

It's up to you and your dh, not your MIL.

You may want to move towards the two year old being in own room - it is difficult to transition but you have to do it sometime.

What worked for us in a similar situation was putting 2 year old to bed and calmly taking her back with no interaction every time she got up before we went to sleep.

Then once we were asleep, if she woke and came through to us dh would take her and sleep in the spare room with her.

It did take a couple of months (and we went through her learning to make herself sick on demand to get attention in the evening) but eventually she was sleeping through 7-7 in her own bed and has been a brilliant sleeper ever since.

Honestly, 2-year-old can sleep elsewhere. I wouldn’t happy with 2-year-old still co-sleeping but 7-month-old should stay until weaning starts IMO. And hopefully that’s soon.

Totally fine and practical having the baby in the room. The 2 year old co-sleeping will divide opinion and OP you know this is a very hard habit to break but obviously one you believe in which is fine and suits you. I wouldn’t have the husband in the bed too though. How is there enough space for everyone to sleep comfortably and there must be constant disruption. He would be in the spare room immediately!

(husband can get up with the toddler at weekends so you catch up on sleep with the baby)

A lot of things might be the norm in many parts of the world but that doesn't make it right.

I am basing my views on experience and wisdom, and I have a right to my views. So please wind your neck in and stop harassing me.

Not ideal doesn’t mean he’s particularly bothered.

I also wrote that it would have been great if my kids slept in their own rooms, my partner thought the same, but they didn’t and that was that. It wasn’t a big issue for either of us. Having a toddler and a baby means lots of things are not ideal, but they can just be very common consequences of having young children and that are fairly short lived.

This says far more about you than it does about me.

The kids can sleep in their own rooms. You as the parent are supposed to be the one making the decisions, not letting the kids rule.

I'm not harassing you in the slightest, I'm simply pointing out that you're spouting nonsense. It's a chat forum, people can interact with your posts.

You say you're basing your posts on experience. So tell us about your experience of co-sleeping.

As for wisdom? No comment.😂

I have always had my DC in cot in our bedroom until about 9 months then in own bedroom. I breastfed all my DC but by 9 months they were all sleeping through the night. I would not want a 2 year old in my bed all night. How do you have sex with a 2 year old in bed with you? Is that why you want the toddler in bed with you?

How many children do you have?

It would give me massive ick if I thought my DH was talking about our sex life with his mother.

Are you sure she's not just giving her opinion, nothing to do with anything said by your husband?

Our 3 year old often comes in with us. He will only be small for a while.before we know it he'll be 13 and barely want to spend any time with us 😭😀

I think there are different reasons for co sleeping as well. The toddler sees to be because it’s purely convenient on the up down rather than because you actually want to co sleep.

The problem with co sleeping for that reason is it just makes the transition harder unless you fully go full fledged and wait till they decide which could be tomorrow or when they are 8.

If you don’t just wait for them you will at some point still have to the do taking back to bed a million times a night. Because the second they find the sweet spot where you give in again they will just hold out longer each time. I’m not talking cry it out either. Just basic checks, not thirsty, don’t need the toilet, not hurt or genuinely scared. Ok tuck up night love you. Rinse repeat. Normally with day time chatter of being such a big boy/girl.

Dd2 was in with us loads from between 2-3. I'd put her back in bed, sometimes we co slept. Dh would have rather she was in her own bed and I agreed but we both accepted sometimes it happened. She us 8 now and hasn't slept in our bed for years. I miss it to be honest.

Your dh has said not ideal. Probably isn't but also hasn't said he hates it. Maybe hint to your mil that there are plenty of times and places to have sex that isn't in bed at night. I mean, you ha e a second child so obviously it's not that bad!

We haven’t had a good co-sleeping argument thread on mumsnet for ages!

OP, how about, the kids start off in their own room giving you a bit of the evening, then on first wake up they come in with you? Would that be a compromise for everyone?

Then you need to be firm and sleep train him, in his own room.

Are you married @ThatBlackCat ?

I honestly don't understand why some non co-sleepers get so incensed by people who co-sleep. Why does it bother them so much?

1. Your sex life has suffered because you're tired.
2. You're co-sleeping to avoid getting even more tired.

How would changing (2) help with (1)?

Do you think a 30 year old man who needs to co-sleep should take priority over a 2 year old?

Must admit, DS has NEVER slept in our bed and was in his own cot bed and room from about 6 months and is a very sound sleeper.

The only parents I know who did the co-sleeping in a bed thing have children that won’t settle easily in the evening and demand lots of attention throughout the night.

I think your MIL is gently trying to nudge you into reviewing the sleeping arrangements with the 2yr old. They really should be more than capable of sleeping in their own bedroom by now and I suspect it’s going to take a supreme effort on your part to get them to change their habits at this stage but at some point you’re going to have to move on.

You perhaps need a more candid chat with your DH about how he feels. But the situation not being ideal for him isn’t a reason to change it to something that doesn’t work for you or the kids. (And it sounds like he appreciates that too).

If the issue is your sex life, it’s not going to be improved if you’re exhausted and going through the motions because you’re worried he’ll resent you if you don’t. But equally, a marriage without sex can feel pretty empty for a lot of people, so it’s something you shouldn’t stick your head in the sand about.

Is it possible to make more time for the two of you without changing the sleeping arrangements - that might be a compromise that helps you enjoy yourself, as well as letting you all get enough sleep. You said you have a spare room so, if your kids will sleep in your bed while you aren’t there, you could put them to bed, use the spare room for some alone time and then move back to your bedroom for the rest of the night. If the kids won’t sleep without you there, getting MiL or another trusted babysitter for a few hours on a fairly frequent basis for some alone time would be a good investment.

Alone time doesn’t have to (shouldn’t!) mean sex every time. It’s important to rebuild the emotional intimacy too. You may need a bit of time to start seeing your body in that way again, to regain your feeling of connection with DH and to feel like he isn’t just someone else demanding your body (a somewhat common feeling for mothers of young children and for which end you also need regular time to your self).

Our children didn’t sleep well alone, they needed and wanted us. As parents, we were both happy to provide the reassurance they needed for that short period. How strange to see ping children as ‘ruling’ due to this.