MIL implying husband resents co sleeping and we need “adult time”

[Kahan]

my baby (7 months) sleeps in a co sleeper crib next to my main bed. We have 2 yo in bed with us. I’ve had post partum with both pregnancies and found it much easier to manage when co sleeping. I do have to admit I have easy babies. So I’ve lucked out. But MIL commented that maybe it’s time we utilised the nursery so we could have some space back to be adults. Dh shut her down straight away and said it was up to me. But it’s really got me worried. Husband obviously admits he finds the babies being in with us not ideal but supports me as it’s easiest for me. We’ve tried separate bedrooms but husband prefers sleeping with us anyway. I’m just very paranoid now. Husband has said it would be nice to have our room back but the babies are only young once. I get so much better sleep as I am breastfeeding. The other day I was speaking to a couple of friends and they ended up being really judgmental about wives that prioritise their kids over their husbands and almost using that to explain cheating . I just nodded along but was horrified on the inside. Our sex life is rubbish. It used to be very good. I just have no energy. Co sleeping works. Well it allows me to sleep.

Should I take the advice of mil/froends?

If you don’t want sex, that’s up to you. There’s no need to suggest that anyone having sex while having small children is not a decent parent.

Actually I do want sex, the difficulty is having sex with a toddler in the same room 🙄

They probably don't agree with breastfeeding either!

But agree that the internalised misogyny is deeply depressing.

I don’t see it as internalised misogyny, I just think it’s seeing the bigger picture. Most romantic relationships require intimacy (not just sex) to be fulfilling. I nurture my marriage as well as my children because one day, my kids won’t be so small and I’d like a happy, lasting marriage rather than one where my husband has decamped to another room and is no longer interested in sex.

I have a 5 month old and a 2.5 year old. I breastfed the two year old until they were 17 months and breastfeed my baby now. DH and I still have an active and frequent sex life though these days we are confined to night time when the kids are asleep.

If OP and her husband are happy with how things are then that’s fine and they’re doing what works for them, but if one of them isn’t happy, there should be a compromise. You cannot put your husband to the bottom of the list and then be surprised when your marriage breaks down!

Everyone is different. You might consider how difficult it will be, the older the children get, to put them in their own room. I have friends who are really struggling now because they kept their children in their bedroom. Nanna has come to stay to help get the children settled into a separate room as Mum is getting distressed.
That said, have a good chat with DH. It may be that because you have 2 children they could settle easily into their own room.
Try nap time in their own room first.
You need to look at yourself as well and see what you need and how you can compromise.
Having babies is never easy and no decision is right or wrong.

I co slept with DS until he was ready to sleep through. He was in with me (bedside cot) until he was 2 ish and then had a toddler bed which he would start off in before wandering through for a feed and a cuddle when he woke. I would have done the same if i'd had a second. My husband worked nights so was only in bed with us a couple of nights a week. We used to have a bit of adult time downstairs once DS was asleep - he rarely woke before midnight once he'd gone to sleep in the evening. That said, a lot of couples have very little sex when they have young children. You are just too tired!

Ignore your MIL. Your DH is looking forward to getting the bed back one day but understands that this is easier. I found co-sleeping brilliant when breastfeeding because I could just latch on DS and go back to sleep. He was very settled in bed with me, that isn't they case for everyone.

When he was 3 and DH no longer working nights, DS was still coming into our room to get in bed with us between 12 and 6am so we bought a bigger bed! They are only little for a short time.

He doesn’t work 24/7 365 days a year though does he?! He will
have days off??!!! In which case he should take over parenting on these days/nights and actually parent and give you a rest

I so agree with this.

I breastfed until 3 years and coslept with my daughter until she was 8.

My husband has slept in a separate room since she was born as he needs a full night’s sleep for various reasons.

OP, my daughter learned to fall asleep by herself when she was old enough; there was no drama and she decided she was ready to sleep alone. She recently spent her first few nights away from me (ever) and she didn’t even stop to say goodbye to me 😆. Some of her friends who’d had sleepovers etc. really struggled.

Don’t believe the rubbish about them never being able to sleep alone etc. It will come, and because I waited for her to be ready for it, we had absolutely ZERO drama.

And I’ve slept very happily since she was born!

OP I think you should do whatever works best for you but also try to come up with a bit of a compromise where you can look towards having the bedroom back for both of you without the children. To be completely honest I’m probably more like your husband in that I like the closeness between my partner and I when it comes to sleeping next to one another, my son moved into his own bedroom at 6 months and we all slept a million times better without anyone snoring and waking each other up! My daughter will be moving into her bedroom at 6 months as well, and my little boy adores his bed/bedroom, it’s his little sanctuary and in the morning he loves lying in his bed and singing and talking to himself before anyone takes him downstairs. It’s his favourite room in the house, with your two year old what are they into? It might be lovely to decorate a bedroom for them and let them have it as their own special room.

Those aren't your friends.
I'd have a lot of fun chatting to my MIL about her keen interest in her son's sexlife.

Your husband sounds great <3

Me too. I was curious how your daughter went to her own room eventually. Mine has her own room right next door and a bed she's used about 3 times. I thought puberty would do it? I don't mind at all. I'm just curious.

Hope you're okay OP xx my family member had severe PPD, it can be so debilitating.

I'm co sleeping part of the night with my 8 mo, he's currently asleep next to me. Almost every mum I know has done it at some point. My SIL sleep trained at 18mo, other mums I know co slept with their first and have husband co sleeping with the older one once they had a second.

Is it working for you and DH? Sounds like he shut the comments down. And what support is he willing to give if you want to put either child in their own room?

For me I'm thinking of night weaning after a year and I've asked DH to be involved so DS can't smell milk on me. Currently I have DS almost all the time, DH has taken him for the occasional bit eg my dentist appointment, I've picked something up from the local pharmacy.

I think it's a big ask for you to get them in their own room by yourself, self settling or whatever form that takes on your own, especially with two DC, PPD and breastfeeding one.

What did your husband say about this when you consulted him?

I also had NO DRAMA getting my DC to sleep in their own rooms. It just didn’t take 8 years.

Why should their marriage break down over the husband being put after his children?! Presumably he had a lot of fun making them, surely men understand that the children need to come first?
Also, have sex when both kids are asleep!? I don't understand what's wrong with putting children first in order to allow both parents to rest.

If prioritising your children over your husband comes at the expense of intimacy in a marriage then of course there is scope for a marriage to break down. It’s naive to think that people will go without intimacy long term whilst remaining happy in the marriage. Some couples might be happy to have a stale sex life for a period of time; I’m not one of them.

My children come first but they don’t need to sleep in my bed to prove that.

Children’s needs first.

Then your needs.

Then his needs LAST (sex)

The same women that scream children first above everything on here, are usually the same ones that come back years later seeking divorce /separation advice.

Your children are under your care for a season. Be pragmatic.

Exactly. Your kids can be important to you but not take over your life (and your bedroom).

I really wouldn’t want to be in a marriage where we couldn’t have sex in the comfort of our own bed.

If sex is his need and not yours, your marriage is already over, one way or another.

Am I reading this right? Your post-pubertal daughter is still coming into your marital bed most nights?

Marital bed 🤢🤢🤢

No puberty yet.
Certainly no husband ew

The 2 year old needs to learn to settle in his own bed.

I'm shocked at the majority of responses on here.

2 is still VERY young. We have a 6yo and a 2yo and another on the way. With my eldest, I did all the work to get him to sleep in his own room only because that's what I thought I HAD to do. Meant I was exhausted soothing him in his room and crib and lasted only until he was in a big kid bed. When my second came along, she was in our room and he really felt left out in the cold so my DH slept with him and I had little one with me. Everyone got to sleep. I didn't bother doing any of that with her because the lack of sleep was just not worth it and I realised how much closeness I lost with my first by forcing him to sleep in his room. We are now putting a massive family bed in the kids room where we can co sleep with them and all get a decent night's sleep.

My eldest is getting to a point where he wants his space so we have said, when he wants his own room and not to have a grown up with him, he just needs to say. He doesn't want the cuddle anymore and is only a few months away from breaking away entirely. It will be a sad day when this stage is over so I say do whatever is best for you and your kids. A tired mum is a stressed mum.

Your MIL should have no opinion on your sex life. It's weird. It's much weirder than parents co sleeping with young children.

Nothing shocking about it.

You do what suits you as a family.

My two slept better in their own rooms and so did we.

You’re not right and nor am I.