MIL implying husband resents co sleeping and we need “adult time”

[Kahan]

my baby (7 months) sleeps in a co sleeper crib next to my main bed. We have 2 yo in bed with us. I’ve had post partum with both pregnancies and found it much easier to manage when co sleeping. I do have to admit I have easy babies. So I’ve lucked out. But MIL commented that maybe it’s time we utilised the nursery so we could have some space back to be adults. Dh shut her down straight away and said it was up to me. But it’s really got me worried. Husband obviously admits he finds the babies being in with us not ideal but supports me as it’s easiest for me. We’ve tried separate bedrooms but husband prefers sleeping with us anyway. I’m just very paranoid now. Husband has said it would be nice to have our room back but the babies are only young once. I get so much better sleep as I am breastfeeding. The other day I was speaking to a couple of friends and they ended up being really judgmental about wives that prioritise their kids over their husbands and almost using that to explain cheating . I just nodded along but was horrified on the inside. Our sex life is rubbish. It used to be very good. I just have no energy. Co sleeping works. Well it allows me to sleep.

Should I take the advice of mil/froends?

Chukking your babies out of bed to cry it out and ruin your own sleep so that you can be sexually available to your partner. Sounds grim. I would end up divorced and be glad of it.

You can have sex at other times, and if your sex drive is low with a breastfeeding infant, that is normal. It sounds like your husband is a mature adult who cares about you and his children and doesn’t see you as some sort of on demand sex robot. He sees the big picture and knows this isn’t forever.

Your MIL needs to get out of your sex life. Your friends’ attitudes are very British, but are not the global norm.

You don’t seem to be including your DH in your family set up or listening to his wishes.

I don’t agree with people in relationships cheating but I can understand when they end their relationships because they are pushed out and no longer living in the marriage terms they want or need. Sexless relationships only work if both sides are happy with it.

You're fine. Got to do what's best for you and your mental health while in the trenches of having babies/toddlers. Sex isn't a top priority at that stage.

Wow you are getting some crap on here.

Go easy on yourself and acknowledge how hard it is to keep a 2yr old and a 7 month old alive and then for all of you to get some kind of sleep you’ve done what works for you guys. If it’s working great? It seems your husband is not happy so talk to him.He obviously misses you and wants to sleep in the same bed as you.

Your two babies need comfort and love they need you both.
Try to make separate time for your hubby, let your Mother in law babysit overnight if it’s a possibility. Have a night out and get dressed up and connect with your husband, he doesn’t want to sleep alone, he wants you.
we often joke nowadays that if we were back 30yrs ago we would invest in the biggest bed(we have it now) one where it’s big enough that one of you don’t end up with a nappy across your head. Relax and remember they will only be small for a while. They also at some stage naturally evolve to their own beds with a little help.
Well done Mumma you are doing so much better than you know. It will work out. Talk to your husband. If he has spoken to his Mum that’s ok too.He is allowed to talk to her if he wants to about sleeping issues.
Good luck x

Oh ignore that, there's nothing wrong with calling you kids your babies at any age. My Nana still refers to me and my sister as "baby" and we are 33 and 39!
My mum also refers to us as "the kids"

BOTH. You're implying if the DH isn't happy then he could always cheat. Jesus 😱

"it's not ideal" does not mean "I won't tolerate it". Whether or not the 2yo is in with you, the 7mo always would be wouldn't they? That's very normal.

The first year of parenting is never "ideal" in terms of rest, sex, money, mental health, etc etc. That's just how it is. And if you are dealing with PPD then yes you need to take the easy wins sometimes. It sounds like your husband understands all this and it's your MIL sowing dissent. It would be worth sitting down with him and discussing what it is each of you needs and wants, and if they aren't being met how you might do so. Formulate a plan together.

But this is a short season in the grand scheme of things, and one that your kids will naturally develop away from. In the meantime there's no shame in dealing with it in the way that works best for you as a family, on balance.

Some people seem determined that children should grow up very quickly.

I remember my health visitor advising me to put dd into her own room when she was about 10 months old in order to "foster her independence". I mean, WTF?! She wasn't even one year old at that point, why the fuck would I be expecting her to be independent.

Funnily enough, she grew up more confident than most and was more than ready to embrace her independence when the time came.

The 2 yo is up constantly if he’s in his own room.
That's interesting, how do you respond to him getting up constantly?
Personally I didnt commission sleep at all with my two.
They did come into our bed but only on slow weekend mornings but it wasnt something that was encouraged.

OP I think it’s totally fine to have co-slept up til now. I did with both of mine when bf and could not have survived otherwise.

But I think you could start a gradual process with the 2yo now. We did a very gentle gradual retreat that involved no crying whatsoever - first sitting by cot with hand on back, then sitting by cot, then moving further away until we were outside the door, over a period of maybe 2 months? For a while he would wake at 4am and come into our bed, but we introduced the gro clock which stopped that.

Then with the 7 month old honestly I’d keep them in with you until you stop bf, but hopefully you can put them down at 7pm and have an evening downstairs with your husband.

I know it was a stupid auto correct typo, but 😆 at the idea of commissioning sleep from babies and toddlers. If only it were that simple!

Think there’s a load of rubbish advice on this thread. Your husband is right in saying that children are only young once. This is a short season in your life. It may not be ‘ideal’ for your husband but he didn’t carry the babies, birth them, isn’t breastfeeding and likely isn’t doing the lion’s share of childcare. Cosleeping is entirely natural and normal and practiced far more widely than people care to admit. There’s such stigma around it because we live in a society that prioritises independence over nurture.

If cosleeping is working for you, prioritise your mental health and wellbeing at this time in your life and carry on. Find other ways to spend quality time and connect with your husband. It’s not all about sex, although cosleeping certainly doesn’t mean that you can’t have sex when you feel up to it, you just need to get creative! You sound like a lovely mum and your husband sounds supportive (even if it’s not ideal for him!) so don’t change a thing unless you want to.

Currently cosleeping / breastsleeping with my baby and I love it and couldn’t care less what other people think. I know it’s right for my baby and for me, and my husband is a mature, attuned adult man who can also see this and prioritise it at this time in our lives.

You have 2 very young children - do whatever you have to do to maximise sleep. All the talk about "training" a toddler to settle by themselves is nonsense in my experience. My eldest was an appalling sleeper and we co-slept until he was about 3, and he wanted cuddling to sleep until he was 5. At 7, he puts himself to bed and sleeps beautifully through the night. I never thought that day would come when he was a toddler.

If there's a spare room, could you not use that to start the night with your DH? We go to bed together and have an hour or two just us for pillow talk and sex (rarely, as I'm also breastfeeding and not particularly interested) before I head into our bedroom where the baby is sleeping. It works, but mostly because we both know that this stage doesn't last forever.

It's all bloody bizarre if you think about it too much.

In the developed world, human babies are quickly got in to their own beds and rooms (unless you're a freak).

All young humans MUST be in their own beds and rooms every night (unless you're a freak).

As soon as you're in a relationship you MUST share a bed and definitely must if you're married (unless you're a freak).

Hit perimenopause and we all want our own beds and rooms again (unless you're a freak 🤣)

It's mental.

We're one of the few species of mammal that turf our babies out to sleep alone, particularly when they're still nursing. Just because of societal norms. Sad really when most of us wind up not wanting to share a bed with a man in the end anyway 😅

You say co-sleeping works but it clearly DOESN'T work for your marriage, does it? Why is your 2 year old not in their own bedroom? Your setup sounds ridiculous! If the kids are that 'easy' to deal with, why then are they not in their own beds? It's ridiculous! Babies should be in their own cot in their own nursery/bedroom the day they come back from the hospital. But two year old? That is beyond ridiculous! Put them in their bedrooms and get your marriage back on track. There is a lot to be said for the saying about prioritising your marriage first, to keep your entire family together.

very odd to have 2 children in bed with you, how do you ever have sex? You need to get them in their own room, you planning to breastfeed them as teenagers 🤣

I’m a big advocate of co-sleeping but I couldn’t do it x 2. I think you should try and move the older one gradually in to a big boy / girl bed.

Oh god OP you’re getting loads of flack but you have two TINY children, two is not very old at all! This country has really old fashioned views of breastfeeding and co-sleeping. It’s only a short period of life and you and your husband have your whole lives to share a bed. As someone else pointed out why should your toddler get kicked out so your husband (an adult) doesn’t have to sleep alone LOL. It’s a short season of life, ignore your MiL and friends.

These are the sacrifices we make when we have children. Your DH sounds like he knows it’s not all about him and that it’s a relatively temporary situation, so I wouldn’t worry. You can start to move them into their own beds when you stop breastfeeding. Start teeing the 2 year old up for it maybe. MIL should butt out and I wouldn’t listen to your friends, they sound ridiculous.

The 2 yo is up constantly if he’s in his own room.

Wake up he's manipulating you. Discipline him. It will soon stop. Otherwise he'll be sleeping with you when he's 6 years old (and by then you will be a single mum).

The breastfeeding baby sure but the 2 year old should be sleeping in their own room.

To me my bedroom is the one room in the house where it’s adults only relaxing not even just about sex but it’s that personal space that children knock before they come in. Obviously newborns slept in there untill they were around 10months and at which point the cot moved to their own rooms. We didn’t ever co sleep however so it wasn’t a hard transition. My bed was always mine and dh’s not the children’s.

This, 100%.

Actually just to correct you, it massively reduces SIDS risk to have an infant in your room for the first six months of their life

Op, only the opinions of you and your DH matter. Everyone else is irrelevant. Maybe have a check-in with your husband as to how he feels about the situation. From what you explained it doesn’t even sound like he’s that bothered, he seems to understand what it’s like with little kids/babies.

I personally wouldn’t want a 2 yo in my bed- but again, the opinions of others, myself included are completely irrelevant if it’s working for you and DH.

You say you have post partum with both babies. Do you mean post partum anxiety, depression, psychosis? Everyone has post partum, it just means the period after having a baby.