AIBU to feel annoyed and let down with 1st birthday party being going ahead on the same day as my sons surgery.

[DeepGreenWriter]

My brother in law (husbands brother) and sister in law have sent an invite for their daughters first birthday on the same day as our sons surgery.

In fairness the day of the party falls on niece’s actually birthday (on a Tuesday) so I can understand wanting to have her party on the actual day of her birthday. However a few weeks ago when we first found out about the date of the surgery my sister in law said they would look at having it on the weekend before.

For context this is a surgery my son has been waiting for, for a while so there wasn’t any flexibility with the dates. Our youngest will only be 7 weeks when the surgery is happening and my mother-in-law was meant to be looking after him but now will be attending the party. We have had to make other child care arrangements. Our youngest is very unsettled in the evenings so brining him without us would not have worked.

The party itself is just at their house (so no venue booking or catering) with close family. So this includes all of their siblings on both sides, the children and both grandparents.

Instead of telling us face to face that they have decided to go ahead with the party on their daughters birthday they just sent an invite in the family group chat knowing full well we can’t attend. We have since gathered that by the time the message was sent the two other siblings in the group chat already knew the party was happening on that date. So effectively they just sent the message to avoid having a conversation about it.

Brother-in-law in particular claims to be close to our eldest but I just feel a bit out by this. I know I might be being unreasonable so would welcome your feedback.

Honestly I’m actually really perplexed as to why this is an issue.

I understand why they want to do something special on her birthday. They are not being unreasonable.

You are not being unreasonable to feel upset with mil letting you down over child care.

I understand she feels torn about it.

It's generally all round shit timing and not pleasant situation for your family. It probably feels worse because of this.

Will the party end early so your MIL could take your youngest to the party and bring him/her back to your or her home so she can settle your youngest for the night.
sorry if this has already been suggested

Remember OP stated MIL has not said no to looking after her baby, just that she felt MIL wasn’t keen.

MIL has not turned around and said absolutely not.

I don't get it either. There's a comment about party being late but really how late is a 1st birthday going to go on to?
Birthday child will need their bed too.

My son had a very serious operation when he was 1, he’s 5 now and due to have surgery again next month - so I understand how difficult this time is. However, YABU - there’s no real reason why they can’t do the child’s 1st birthday party on her birthday just because your son is having surgery.

Well yes. If the baby is unsettled in the evenings that’ll be the case whether he’s at the party with the MIL or being looked after at OP’s/MIL’s house

Just seen the post MIL doesn’t drive could no one else give her a lift or you arrange an uber/ taxi to get her and baby back

To be honest baby is only 7 weeks probably hasn’t got much of a routine. I’m sure being around family and having cuddles by a few family members at the party isn’t the end of the world? If baby is fussy MIL can just give cuddles I’m sure others there will be happy to give hugs to baby as well.

YANBU, can’t believe these replies! What’s the point of family if you can’t even rely on them when your young child is having surgery?!

honestly, if my MIL let us down at a time like this I would never rely on her again and also never help her again. Despicable behaviour.

thankfully this would never happen in our family. We actually care about our nieces and nephews so if any of them were having surgery we’d never be able to have a celebration on that day. And nor would a grandparent let down a newborn for childcare!

Why on earth don’t BIL and SIL just have her family and any friends round on the actual day and do a separate tea and cake for your side of the family before the surgery? That’s what would happen with us if SIL’s family couldn’t make it the weekend before. Honestly, who needs enemies when you have family who let you down when you have a newborn and a young child having surgery?!

I could’ve wrote this, right down to the surgery and bleeding disorder! My child was a lot younger when this surgery happened and I was let down the night before by my mum and rightfully back to no contact for a multitude of other reasons. Thankfully my friend stepped in for me.

The recovery was really tough on my little one & we were in for almost a week. Our hospital didn’t allow under 5s into visit either which made it much more difficult.

I hope your sons surgery goes well ❤️

Being fair to them. We have no clue about their circumstances, maybe they themselves work shifts. And they've arranged to have the child's birthday off.

While the baby won't care maybe they have already ordered a Birthday cake. Which party do they cut the cake at? Her side or his?
It just becomes complicated and especially little kids Grandparents want to see them on actual birthday, not the pretend birthday 2 days earlier.

They could just buy a simple supermarket cake for the second party or have the other half of the “real” cake! It’s not as if the one year old will know or care!

as for the granny, she has at least 3 DGC - one is a newborn and one is having surgery, seeing the 3rd GC on her actual birthday rather than day before really shouldn’t be at the top of her priority list at the moment! If it is, it screams favourite child and grandchild to me.

I can’t understand the replies suggesting that MIL can take a 7 week old baby to a family party without the baby’s parents being there. At that age both my kids screamed and cluster-fed from 6pm - 9pm.
OP you have my sympathy - hope all goes well with the procedure xx

Well the baby would be with his grandmother even if there were no party, as she would have been caring for him whilst OP was at hospital. So your experience is of no relevance to the actual situation at hand.

OP’s SIL, is that you? 😆

The OP herself has said that her baby suffers from reflex in the evenings and cries, so my experience is relevant. There’s also a big difference between taking a baby to a party and keeping them at home.

You say youngest 7w is unsettled in evening so he can’t go to the party without you

yet you were going to leave him anyway while you are with older sons surgery

does it matter if unsettled at the party or own home

either way you aren’t there as in hospital

equally if unsettled in evening. I assume a 1yr party will be 11/1 or 3/5 to go round their sleep or will have a grumpy birthday girl

so 7w will be home after party

I am a bit surprised by the general tone of the comments in this thread. I think YANBU and people are making you sound like you are being self-centred when you are not. I have a 9-month-old DS, and if one of his cousins had a surgery on his 1st birthday, I would move the party to a different date (since DP and I could have a little celebration with DS on the day anyway, the baby wouldn’t have to go unrecognised on their birthday due to moving the celebration, as many are suggesting). I also fail to understand all the comments saying that when you have more than one kid you have to “get on with things” and it should just be one parent in the hospital during the operation—that seems to imply that once you have more than one kid you should never make the effort to have one of your kids be the centre of attention or make them feel important/cared for. Even in normal circumstances, kids with siblings should have 1-on-1 time with their parents, let alone in the context of a surgery. So again, YANBU. Finally, I yet again cannot understand those saying it is unfair leaving a family member with a small baby with colic—it surely is if a regular occurrence, but for a justified one-off is fine and your MIL wouldn’t die of looking after a crying baby for a few hours. I had a baby with colic and my mom stayed with me for the first two weeks and took him for 2-3 hours a couple of nights so we could sleep and my MIL also looked after him for 3 hours one evening that we really needed the help. Honestly, imo, a lot of the people on this thread are coming across as very selfish, individualistic people that cannot be bothered considering anyone else in their lives! Anyway, OP, this is my way to say I feel for you and your DS—best wishes and hope he has a smooth surgery and prompt recovery.

Ops definitely not wrong wanting both parents at hospital.

The ILs are definitely not wrong to go ahead with birthday on the day. Baby might not have a clue, but its a special day for the parents too, 1 year since they became parents and we have no idea about their other commitments.

MIL isn't wrong to want to take baby to the party. Its a 1 yos party is hardly going to be carriages at midnight, I'd expect 8.30 latest.

I really don't see what the issue is.

MIL isn't wrong to want to take baby to the party

MIL doesn’t want to take the baby to the party. The Op says the MIL has indicated she’d rather go to the party and not look after the baby.

Operative word here being indicated ...
An awful lot of trouble in MN world would be solved by a simple discussion.
(But then we'd only have threads about parking and wordle games 🤪).

How far away is the party ? Unless hours away I can’t see why the bil/sil can’t drop mum back to your house with baby at a decent time - why does it have to be not till late ?

or can she get a taxi back ?

or you hire a maternity night nanny for the day /night if you need dh with you for support

I do get why they want to celebrate their daughters birthday on her birthday - I would - esp for 1st birthday

It does seem strange that they’ve gone back on what was said, but there’s not much you can do about that. DH needs to deal with any discussions.

Hard though it may be, you will have to divide up the childcare between you if baby can’t join you in hospital. We would have had to do that in your situation as we don’t have local family. Even if we had, there’s no way I would have left DS1 who was very colicky with anyone except DH. PIL couldn’t cope with him.

Its 6 months ago, not worth worrying about it now

Apologies just seen it’s an old post someone has resurected and can’t delete my post 🤦🏻‍♀️