AIBU to feel annoyed and let down with 1st birthday party being going ahead on the same day as my sons surgery.

[DeepGreenWriter]

My brother in law (husbands brother) and sister in law have sent an invite for their daughters first birthday on the same day as our sons surgery.

In fairness the day of the party falls on niece’s actually birthday (on a Tuesday) so I can understand wanting to have her party on the actual day of her birthday. However a few weeks ago when we first found out about the date of the surgery my sister in law said they would look at having it on the weekend before.

For context this is a surgery my son has been waiting for, for a while so there wasn’t any flexibility with the dates. Our youngest will only be 7 weeks when the surgery is happening and my mother-in-law was meant to be looking after him but now will be attending the party. We have had to make other child care arrangements. Our youngest is very unsettled in the evenings so brining him without us would not have worked.

The party itself is just at their house (so no venue booking or catering) with close family. So this includes all of their siblings on both sides, the children and both grandparents.

Instead of telling us face to face that they have decided to go ahead with the party on their daughters birthday they just sent an invite in the family group chat knowing full well we can’t attend. We have since gathered that by the time the message was sent the two other siblings in the group chat already knew the party was happening on that date. So effectively they just sent the message to avoid having a conversation about it.

Brother-in-law in particular claims to be close to our eldest but I just feel a bit out by this. I know I might be being unreasonable so would welcome your feedback.

Let it go.

It really isn’t the end of the world if you have to miss it. It’s a tiny kid’s party, not important at all.

Their child is the centre or their world (and centre of her birthday), not yours.

However, MIL should honour her commitment for childcare.

Why can't your MiL take him to the party?

Your stress and worry is coming out at the wrong thing. It’s not worth being upset over. Hope your son recovers quickly.

I don't understand why MIL can't just take the baby to the party

However, MIL should honour her commitment for childcare

Reads like she might have been willing to but the OP objects to the baby going without her due to being “unsettled in the evenings”.

YABU

Another for MIL taking the baby along with her to the party. There will be plenty of people to share the care around.

Hmm yes, good point.

I think this is one of those things where you are both centering your own child, and neither of you are wrong to do it. You're probably also feeling anxious/stressed about the operation and this will be getting to you more than it would on another occasion.
I agree with PPs that MIL should honour her childcare commitment though, and take the baby to the party if that works, or miss the party if for some reason it doesn't.

This is no nig deal
I'm wondering who is being more precious here. Surely one of you goes with son for surgery and the other takes the baby to the party. No need for child care.

Since you are worried about this sounds like your oldest is still pretty young anyway won't know what is going on or why it's only you and not his Dad there.

My youngest had to have surgery wheb he was 2 and on the day husband had to sort out then 5 year old whilst I took you gest to hospital.

Hardest bit was afterwards when youngest not allowed to run around, play on swings, jump etc etc which you probably won't have an issue with since your younger child is a baby

It’s only a first birthday and I can understand them wanting to have it on the actual birthday. Rather than it being a big negative situation how about suggesting you get together for a mini celebration at a different time after your son’s surgery. It will be. Nice thing then and something to look forward to.
Getting angry about stuff like this is tedious. Go with the flow and make things work.

hope your sons surgery goes well

YABU.
Sometimes getting a date to suit everyone is next to impossible.

Is there other little cousins could the cousins do Happy Birthday and cake at the weekend?

Hope the surgery goes ok, you must be nervous about it.

Sorry op but yabu. It’s just a 1st birthday party, it really doesn’t matter if you can’t attend. And I’m not sure why your mil couldn’t have taken the baby with her, it surely won’t go on very late?

Hope the surgery goes well.

Unreasonable to be annoyed with the parents of the birthday child, but not unreasonable at all to be annoyed with your mil if she agreed to babysit for the surgery and then cancelled on you. I would be really angry about that.

MIL can take the baby to the party.
Did she cancel?

This ^

But OP, really I would just let it go.

To me, the thing wrong with this is that they knew MIL was already due to help with the baby, but have put this in and expected her to make a choice. I can understand them wanting to do it on the actual day, but given MIL's helping, they could have chosen a day either side - the one year old won't care. I think it's a bit off.

I couldn’t get worked up over a child’s 1st birthday party happening the same day as my child’s surgery. Let mil take baby to the party and childcare wouldn’t need to be changed.

Wow @NoKnit! I definitely wouldn't have wanted to be alone through DS's heart surgery! Though maybe it depends what the surgery is.

Another one who doesn’t understand why MIL couldn’t take the baby to the party? Seems like the ideal solution.

Yabu. It’s her actual birthday. I hope the surgery goes well.

It’s their child’s birthday.

you can’t reasonably expect them to move it because one family member cannot attend.

mil should probably stick to her childcare commitment though

Fine for the party to go ahead. But your MIL should have declined since she has already agreed to look after your baby.

If it’s a small surgery, surely only one parent goes along to that, and the other stays with the baby/goes to the party.
If it’s a major op, you’ll all be out of the running for any partying for a while, with the recovery time etc. your poorly DC won’t want to go to a party with stitches or dressings.

Have a another get together later, life is unpredictable, you’ve got enough stress with a new baby and an operation, just take it easy.