AIBU to feel annoyed and let down with 1st birthday party being going ahead on the same day as my sons surgery.

[DeepGreenWriter]

My brother in law (husbands brother) and sister in law have sent an invite for their daughters first birthday on the same day as our sons surgery.

In fairness the day of the party falls on niece’s actually birthday (on a Tuesday) so I can understand wanting to have her party on the actual day of her birthday. However a few weeks ago when we first found out about the date of the surgery my sister in law said they would look at having it on the weekend before.

For context this is a surgery my son has been waiting for, for a while so there wasn’t any flexibility with the dates. Our youngest will only be 7 weeks when the surgery is happening and my mother-in-law was meant to be looking after him but now will be attending the party. We have had to make other child care arrangements. Our youngest is very unsettled in the evenings so brining him without us would not have worked.

The party itself is just at their house (so no venue booking or catering) with close family. So this includes all of their siblings on both sides, the children and both grandparents.

Instead of telling us face to face that they have decided to go ahead with the party on their daughters birthday they just sent an invite in the family group chat knowing full well we can’t attend. We have since gathered that by the time the message was sent the two other siblings in the group chat already knew the party was happening on that date. So effectively they just sent the message to avoid having a conversation about it.

Brother-in-law in particular claims to be close to our eldest but I just feel a bit out by this. I know I might be being unreasonable so would welcome your feedback.

Is it a particularly special birthday party eg 1st birthday? If not then I would say to MIL that she can go to X's party next year and ask her to please prioritise supporting your family at a worrying and difficult time. Though definitely DH should have the conversation. And then with SIL/BIL I'd be magnanimous and invite them round for a mini party tea once your little one is feeling better to belatedly celebrate the birthday and celebrate your oldest feeling better.

Have you read the title of the OP?

Yes its a 1st birthday. So its not going to be a late night either.

Granny was probably thinking take baby with her. Change and feed baby before she leaves and hopefully the wee one will fall asleep in the car on the way home. Pop them into bed.

I can see the worry over who will look after the baby if MIL is giving signs of not being keen to help now. That’s the main issue. I wouldn’t care about missing a party.

Yes its a 1st birthday. So its not going to be a late night either.

From Op's 2nd post-

On the childcare issue my mother-in-law hasn’t out right said no but she’s indicated she’s not keen now. She doesn’t drive so she is reliant on brother in law picking her up and dropping off and they have already said they won’t be able to drop her off until very late. My youngest is currently 6 weeks and suffers with reflux and crys for hours in the evening so it wouldn’t be fair for either of them.

I think the worry is your 7 week old not having childcare. At that age I don't think they can go to a party till really late and ferried around. Meltdowns can be massive at that age. You need someone to take her at the hospital and keep her nearby. Do you not have any family? If your MIL won't do it without taking her to a party all day then if take it it turns with partner, or just bring the baby in with you in a sling?

I thought the same.

they won’t be able to drop her off until very late. My youngest is currently 6 weeks and suffers with reflux and crys for hours in the evening so it wouldn’t be fair for either of them.

Can’t you take your son for his surgery and your husband have the baby ? and either take him to the party or not ?

Why would it cause a fall out? They can go to next year’s party.

OP and her are worried about surgery for her son, they don’t need to be sorting a present or worrying about a party at this time.

That's really petty.

You are very gracious OP. No way would anyone in my family arrange a 1st birthday party, esp a sibling, same day as a surgery like this, esp if a grandparent has offered to help out. My parents cancelled a big anniversary party when I went into labour as my mum had said she'd be with me. We did it a few weeks later instead.

Not acknowledging the birthday or sending a gift is incredibly petty and yes it is likely to start a rift
The kid's 1 you can pick a gift up in the supermarket or Amazon. Its hardly difficult to organise it.

Bizarre post

Just reply on group chat you can't attend as your youngest is having surgery on that day as earlier advised.

Ultimately your husbands brother and his wife are in the wrong in my opinion because instead of doing the right thing and letting you know in advance that the party was on that date they’ve sheepishly arranged it behind your back keeping others in the loop and cowardly sent the invite to you rather than picking up the phone to acknowledge you wouldn’t be able to attend.

In my eyes they are not wrong for having the party on their child’s first birthday. A 1st birthday is a milestone occasion especially to parents I don’t blame them especially if they were unable to hold a party at the weekends for whatever reason.

I think your MIL is in a situation where she clearly wants to go to her grandchild’s 1st birthday but has also agreed to looking after your 7 week old. She is in a bit of a position. I would personally ask her to honour this as you need to be with your son and DH. I’m sure others at the party wouldn’t mind helping out and having cuddles with a newborn!

It’s a bit shitty of them but it’s their daughter’s 1st birthday and they want to celebrate on that day and not the weekend before or after.
If MIL was having the baby overnight anyway, I don’t see what difference it makes if she still has the baby and takes them to the party. If the baby cries, they would have done anyway. MIL would just manage I assume?

In the same vein, it's hardly difficult to have the party on a different day, is it?

But for some reason, they aren't petty but OP is, even though she has to contend with worrying surgery for her child.

You don't have a clue what else the other couple are having to work around. Maybe they both work shifts. Or other DGP work shifts. Is this not English October week, is it possibe that family might be on holiday?

The weekend after the operation doesn't sound ideal for Ops family either with recovery time etc.

Sometimes when your organising things trying to get a date that's suits everyone, siblings and parents on both sides is impossible. So you might as well please yourselves.

It’s their child’s first birthday, the most important person in their life. If they want the birthday on Tuesday for whatever reason then they should be able to

You don’t know these people or their schedules? They could busy or have other plans at the weekend.

I don’t think it’s fair to expect them to hold off on their child’s 1st birthday because of OP’s son’s surgery. I know it’s harsh but when you have a little family, you have to do what’s right for you and what you want. OP is obviously putting her son first by wanting to be there with DH at the surgery and also her husband’s brother is doing the right thing by arranging their child’s birthday for when they best suit

If there was a reason then they would have explained to OP, instead of taking the cowardly way out. You don't know either but you seem very adept at making excuses for them, including how grandma wants to pop baby to bed.

They can do what they want but they shouldn't expect OP and her DH to take away any focus from their sick child and to spend any time on a present or card.

why can’t your mum in law take the baby to the party?

I'm sorry but that's a selfish thing to do on your in laws' part. Nobody will act like this in my family. I can't imagine my mother or father wanting to attend a birthday party instead of helping one of their kids out through a very difficult time. I understand your in laws wanting to celebrate on the exact day, but I judge the MIL not helping with the baby and instead ducking out so she can attend the party knowing full well what you will be going through.

And for people saying she has every right to do what she wants and the inlaws have every right to have the party - yes of course they do. But that's not the point, is it? I would find this very selfish and will have a hard time moving on from it. YANBU.

The MIL had a prior commitment to OP and her son, but honouring promises seem to mean very little to many here.

I wouldn't be forgetting this in a hurry.

Not getting a gift or card is petty.
Its not exactly hard to put a card in the trolley and grab a gift while getting the weekly shopping.