AIBU to feel annoyed and let down with 1st birthday party being going ahead on the same day as my sons surgery.

[DeepGreenWriter]

My brother in law (husbands brother) and sister in law have sent an invite for their daughters first birthday on the same day as our sons surgery.

In fairness the day of the party falls on niece’s actually birthday (on a Tuesday) so I can understand wanting to have her party on the actual day of her birthday. However a few weeks ago when we first found out about the date of the surgery my sister in law said they would look at having it on the weekend before.

For context this is a surgery my son has been waiting for, for a while so there wasn’t any flexibility with the dates. Our youngest will only be 7 weeks when the surgery is happening and my mother-in-law was meant to be looking after him but now will be attending the party. We have had to make other child care arrangements. Our youngest is very unsettled in the evenings so brining him without us would not have worked.

The party itself is just at their house (so no venue booking or catering) with close family. So this includes all of their siblings on both sides, the children and both grandparents.

Instead of telling us face to face that they have decided to go ahead with the party on their daughters birthday they just sent an invite in the family group chat knowing full well we can’t attend. We have since gathered that by the time the message was sent the two other siblings in the group chat already knew the party was happening on that date. So effectively they just sent the message to avoid having a conversation about it.

Brother-in-law in particular claims to be close to our eldest but I just feel a bit out by this. I know I might be being unreasonable so would welcome your feedback.

I think you have more important things to think about right now, and it's a bit shit they put in that situation for the childcare + lack of consideration not telling you in person.

Of course they can organise the party when they want, but they could have approached it with you differently, and at least pretend they cared...

What would be a good day for you though?
Beforehand you'll be thinking about the surgery, worrying. Wanting to spoil your ds a bit and not drag him around etc.

Afterwards he'll be sore, miserable and needing to stay at home with cuddles.

I think they've assessed it and decided that you won't want to go whatever, so might as well have the actual day.
And you don't know who else has commitments at other times.

Just ask MIL to take baby with her and you'll be fine.

Honestly, I don't think YABU.

A one year old, doesn't even know what a birthday is, if it was me I'd have had the party the weekend before. There's a lot of talk here of putting your child first, and yes of course, but I also care about my nieces and nephews, and I don't think I could enjoy a party knowing that one of them was being operated on and that I was responsible for the lack of childcare for their sibling.

I’m sorry. It’s a really stressful time for you - new baby and a surgery for your other child. I think the best solution is for one of you to stay home and one to go to the surgery. We always tag team hospital stays as we don’t have any family here. It’s better not to have a baby in a hospital if it can be avoided and it sounds like your MIL isn’t keen to look after a colicky newborn anyway. Doesn’t sound like there’d be a great time you to attend the party any time soon anyway unfortunately.

congratulations on your new arrival and I hope everything goes well with the surgery.

That’s a really measured and reasonable response.

im glad you’re feeling a little better now and sorry to hear there’s added complications if surgery due to the bleeding disorder.

Im wishing you all the best for it

What's the surgery for? Is it serious?

To be totally honest I would also be a bit miffed.

Sorry just seen your update. I would definitely be upset too. The cousin is only a baby really so they could do it on another day. If my nephew was having a potentially risky surgery then just out of respect I wouldn't invite a load of family over for a birthday party on the same day.

So would I

Can't help thinking that the weekend before was a no in case too much focus went on Op's son & his upcoming op.

Hope I'm wrong.

For a lot of us a 1st birthday wouldn't be that important but this seems to be.

Perhaps another indication of Op's husband being excluded, not particularly thought about?

What do you mean ‘that important’? They’re just doing a party for her on her birthday. That’s fairly normal isn’t it?

The childcare situation I get but remember at the end of the day your priority is where it should be with your son on the day.

It's just a party, ive unfortunately been the parent of a critically ill baby, i couldnt have given two sugars about what my inlaws were doing as long as dh and I were with our baby.

Ground yourself here. See if Mil can bring the baby with her. Being unsettled isnt the worst thing. Its your little boy who needs you that day. Hope he gets on well xx

Just saw your update and just plow on. Is there anyone who can take your wee one for a few hours. Ingnore the inlaws, let them off. As i said above, keep your focus on your little boy, the rest is just outside noise

I wonder if it’s not just a handy excuse for mil to dive the babysitting now since bay is so young and not good in eve due to reflux. A nice ooo got an excuse to bow out now. Because a 7 week old colic/reflux baby is not easy so hats off since that’s an every night life for you right now.

Also that’s what’s really bugged you anyway isn’t it. Not the party as such but the party has become the reason mil doesn’t want to watch the newborn which had put the spanner in both of you staying with your son overnight.

Having seen your update I do think they have been very thoughtless.

What is stopping you taking baby into hospital with you for at least some of the day? I only ask as my son had the same operation when he was 3 and we did take the newborn in. I appreciate that the extra complications with the bleeding might make it more difficult?

Hope it all goes well. It really improved things for my DS.

Who gives a flying F about their DC's 1st birthday party?

Focus your energy on being there first your DC. They are what matters the most, not a birthday party.

What do you mean ‘that important’? They’re just doing a party for her on her birthday. That’s fairly normal isn’t it?

I mean that for some of us not being able to go to a child's 1st birthday or take our child there wouldn't be important.

Ah ok, fair enough.

Both parents aren't allowed to stay with a child overnight anyway. It's one parent only on the ward.

So it’s a no problem thing then 🤦🏻‍♀️

I did wonder but op made it sound like both would be there full time for the first 24hours or something.

When my son had surgery and youngest was a baby my husband stayed home with the baby while I stayed with my son. When my daughter was much younger my son had a hospitalisation and my husband stayed with him because my daughter was still in the constant breastfeeding stage.

Wouldn't dawn on me to mind their cousin having a birthday party and I wouldn't leave a 7 rrk old with anyone but a parent so I'd say yabu

The only problem is your wanting your 7 week old to stay home, rather than be snuggle by her granny and other family at the party. That of course is your choice and you can find other childcare, but if you were happy for granny to take the seven week old (which there's no actual reason why you shouldn't be) there'd be no problem.

Ah, same surgery my son was in for, they don't usually keep overnight but did because he has a seizure disorder. Honestly just let dad go home for the evening. In our family I'd probably have made him take the baby to the birthday party infact

There really is, young babies shouldn't be passed round like that, germs and overstimulation are not good for newborn's and there's measles and whooping cough outbreaks due to anti vaxxers so I'd be careful with a newborn.

Your MIL is taking the piss.

It is possible for the other parent to get hospital accommodation sometimes but usually only if there's space in the first place and if they aren't local.

Visiting hours don't generally apply for both parents but overnight is a different story, there's barely enough room for one parent to stay.

your MIL really shouldn't let you down over a first birthday party.