AIBU to feel annoyed and let down with 1st birthday party being going ahead on the same day as my sons surgery.

[DeepGreenWriter]

My brother in law (husbands brother) and sister in law have sent an invite for their daughters first birthday on the same day as our sons surgery.

In fairness the day of the party falls on niece’s actually birthday (on a Tuesday) so I can understand wanting to have her party on the actual day of her birthday. However a few weeks ago when we first found out about the date of the surgery my sister in law said they would look at having it on the weekend before.

For context this is a surgery my son has been waiting for, for a while so there wasn’t any flexibility with the dates. Our youngest will only be 7 weeks when the surgery is happening and my mother-in-law was meant to be looking after him but now will be attending the party. We have had to make other child care arrangements. Our youngest is very unsettled in the evenings so brining him without us would not have worked.

The party itself is just at their house (so no venue booking or catering) with close family. So this includes all of their siblings on both sides, the children and both grandparents.

Instead of telling us face to face that they have decided to go ahead with the party on their daughters birthday they just sent an invite in the family group chat knowing full well we can’t attend. We have since gathered that by the time the message was sent the two other siblings in the group chat already knew the party was happening on that date. So effectively they just sent the message to avoid having a conversation about it.

Brother-in-law in particular claims to be close to our eldest but I just feel a bit out by this. I know I might be being unreasonable so would welcome your feedback.

What the surgery is about is quite important for the context

And chances of it actually happening on the appointed date,… have you seen the healthcare service recently

I think you’re cross with the wrong person. If your MIL committed to offering childcare for your other child and then changed her mind, that’s what would annoy me, not your BIL having a birthday party for a one year old. I wouldn’t find the latter a big deal at all.

Best wishes to you all for the surgery.

I think they have been very selfish, the one year old won’t know what day it is so they could have the family get together any time. For me it wouldn’t be the fact that you couldn’t attend but that they are screwing up your childcare plan which is going to cause you extra stress when you are already going to be so worried.

This ^ 100%

Mil should honour the commitment to look after the grandchild. Why can’t she still honour her commitment and take the baby to the party? Surely a one year olds celebration won’t go on too late.

Focus on your own children and especially your son's surgery. Thank them for the invite, say you are sorry you can't come because of DS's surgery, send a nice gift and card and be there for your son. You can't be everywhere and have everything in life. MIL will probably also want to attend 1 year old's party. All the best with your son's surgery which is so much more important.

YABU - you’re not seeing all sides of this situation and just (understandably) focussing on your own stressful situation.

Great minds! 😀

I'm so sorry OP. My son has had a lot of operations including one this week and if you are like me, it will be the lack of acknowledgment from the parents of the birthday girl that has caused you to be upset rather than you missing the party. And your MIL letting you down as well.

When your child has an operation, it's all you can think about in the days leading up to it and it's upsetting that other people don't feel the same way. But it works both ways because a small kind gesture means so much. I remember coming home from the hospital one evening and i was so tired and hungry because I'd been chasing 2 toddlers round the ward all day with no time to eat but it was the younger dc bedtime so i had to do that before i could relax. My eldest who must have been about 11 asked if i was ok and i said i was just knackered and hungry but i would be all right in a bit when i could get the little ones to bed. He wandered off and came back with cheese on toast he'd made for me. I still remember that and he's 19 now. A bit of acknowledgment that you are having a rubbish time is always appreciated i think. I always send at least a text or something when a family member or friend is struggling.

On a practical level i think you and dh should go with your ds to the hospital and bring baby with you. Before operation happens, one of you has baby and the other has your older one and swap every hour or so. Go down to theatre all together. 1 parent goes with older one and one waits outside with baby. Then off to m and s or costa for a drink/snack. Afterwards do the same. At night one of you will need to go home with baby but come back in morning. It's hard but you can do this.

OP
My youngest is currently 6 weeks and suffers with reflux and crys for hours in the evening so it wouldn't be fair for either of them.

That sounds like a huge ask to get your MIL to babysit regardless of the get-together. Can she babysit in the daytime then either you or your DH come home and got to the party with the baby and your MIL or just drop your MIL off. I wonder if her hesitation to babysit is more to do with having to look after a 6 week old who is going to cry for hours. Has she babysat the baby in the evening before?

I voted YABU because I think you need to just let it go now, not keep focusing on something you can’t change.

But actually I would be hurt too. It would have been nice if they had held the birthday get together at the weekend instead, especially if they knew that MIL was already booked for childcare. It would also have been better if she had declined the invitation on the grounds she was supporting your family that day. But what can you do? People are selfish sometimes.

I'm sorry OP, I can see why you're upset. When you're already just post partum and worried about your son's operation, this must have stung.
If they'd talked to you it at least you would have known they were thinking of you.

I imagine OP would like to completely focus on her child who is having surgery rather than a potentially unsettled baby crying over the surgeon trying to discuss the consent form.

I'm guessing the weekend before didn't work so they went for the actual day?

If you get on with them all you probably would have enjoyed the family meet up.

It’s her birthday though. It’s perfectly normal to have a little family party on your birthday. It would be different maybe if your child was dying and this was life saving surgery and things were touch and go. But it sounds like it’s routine surgery. When our dd was in hospital for surgery, one of us stayed with our toddler and one of us stayed with her. That’s normal. You just have to get on with things.

I think a first birthday party is for the parents really, and otherwise isn't a big deal.

Really if your DS needs an operation, it would have been nice if he could attend the party the weekend before and it shouldn't be too much to ask for them to take him into consideration (they obviously considered doing it earlier when he could come and seem harsh for deciding against it)

Totally not getting the replies that it matters if it's the day or not for a 1 year old's party.

my opinion entirely depends on the type of surgery and how serious it is?

Your MIL should still look after your youngest. She can take him to the party.
Otherwise, it makes no real difference to you. I would rather celebrate the first birthday on the actual day. That makes sense to me. Just text your MIL asking if she would like to take your little one to the party. He will then be tired and sleep well, which will be a blessing to whoever of you comes back home to sleep. They will be fresh the next morning, to take the day shift, assuming your eldest will be in hospital for more than one day.

@elliejjtiny your boy sounds an absolute sweetheart. I bet he still is.

@pumpkinscake agreed 1st birthday is about parents as much as anything.

But they deserve to celebrate.
I do wonder what else has played into fixing the date, I'll bet there are others who couldn't make Saturday or Sunday. So someone was going to miss out and parents would rather do actual birthday.

Op if there are other little ones I'd ask about taking gift round on at the weekend.

There absolutely is flexibility with the dates but the reality is one parent is allowed in the hospital and that’s it.

Pressed post too early! Your husband can look after your other child.

Surely your son will take a while to recover and it’s bout fair to expect your niece to wait what could be weeks for him to feel better enough to attend.

I also don’t understand why you’d want your MIL to look after such a young baby.
Unless you are a single parent, then surely it’s best to just take them with you and if they’re fussing to take turns taking them out.

Thanks it’s a really varied response but I agree I need to let it go. In the last few hours I have already started to feel a bit better.

The surgery is to remove tonsils, reduce the size of his adenoids and grommets put in. Usually this would be a straight forward operation but my son has a severe bleeding disorder and we have already been told by our clinic our son is likely to need to be in hospital for a number of nights as he can’t have the standard pain relief, needs extra medication and monitoring to keep an eye on his bleeding. I didn’t mention this before as the condition is quite rare and very outing.

The childcare was just for the first day and for the night and every other day me and by DH will be taking turns.

Having the baby with us wasn’t really an option.
We have been in hospital before for a previous more serious surgery related to our son’s bleeding disorder and I can honestly say I would not have got through it without my DH there. My son was so distraught on the day of surgery they had to give him a sedative just to do his vitals and get him down to surgery.

I guess I was judging and surprised because it’s just not something we would do, but I guess it’s not fair to do that.

Nothing awkward/difficult every gets talked about in my husbands family unless my husband has raised it and we don’t want to be the trouble makers with mother-in-law as DH is already a bit of black sheep with her. Nothing particularly bad he just doesn't follow all the cultures/traditions in his family and subsequently is looked down on.

Again I will just need to let this one go. Thanks for all the comments have been helpful in putting everything into perspective.