AIBU to feel annoyed and let down with 1st birthday party being going ahead on the same day as my sons surgery.

[DeepGreenWriter]

My brother in law (husbands brother) and sister in law have sent an invite for their daughters first birthday on the same day as our sons surgery.

In fairness the day of the party falls on niece’s actually birthday (on a Tuesday) so I can understand wanting to have her party on the actual day of her birthday. However a few weeks ago when we first found out about the date of the surgery my sister in law said they would look at having it on the weekend before.

For context this is a surgery my son has been waiting for, for a while so there wasn’t any flexibility with the dates. Our youngest will only be 7 weeks when the surgery is happening and my mother-in-law was meant to be looking after him but now will be attending the party. We have had to make other child care arrangements. Our youngest is very unsettled in the evenings so brining him without us would not have worked.

The party itself is just at their house (so no venue booking or catering) with close family. So this includes all of their siblings on both sides, the children and both grandparents.

Instead of telling us face to face that they have decided to go ahead with the party on their daughters birthday they just sent an invite in the family group chat knowing full well we can’t attend. We have since gathered that by the time the message was sent the two other siblings in the group chat already knew the party was happening on that date. So effectively they just sent the message to avoid having a conversation about it.

Brother-in-law in particular claims to be close to our eldest but I just feel a bit out by this. I know I might be being unreasonable so would welcome your feedback.

I think you’re being unreasonable. You’re upset they haven’t asked about the operation? There’s nothing to ask. And ops get rescheduled often.
it’s not their baby going for an op so I fail to understand why they should cancel their child’s birthday. They didn’t discuss with you because there’s nothing to discuss, and probably felt like they didn’t want to disturb you with something like this.
family is important, sure! But realistically, they aren’t going to be in the op theatre with your kid, and assumingly there’s no expectation of them on the day, so why the need to reschedule their kid’s birthday?!

Actually now I’ve read more of your posts, scrap what I said on the first page, if your MIL had already arranged to babysit while you’re at the hospital then it should absolutely take preference over the party and they should absolutely rearrange it on a different day.

Yes this is what I was thinking?

Different strokes I guess. I raised my three on my own so I rarely had alternatives for childcare. It sounded like the OP was going with her partner. Two adults and two children doesn’t seem problematic to me but it was what I am/was used to.

They both might want to be there and not have any distractions. If they have to take the baby, they have to take the baby but if childcare is available, I'd definitely take it.

Not to mention how germy hospitals are, I'd definitely want to avoid taking my 7 week old if I was OP.

there is a chance your child’s surgery won’t happen on that date anyway don’t forget - my child’s surgery was pushed back 3x (once after we’d been in hospital for 24 hours and they’d been nil by mouth for 8 hours). So you may still make the party!! It would be very annoying for them if they rearranged and then your child’s surgery was moved…

The only thing wrong here is your MIL not honouring the childcare commitment. Looking after baby while sibling has (presumably major) surgery should be higher priority than a 1 year olds birthday party IMO, if she really can’t take the baby to the party. My MIL missed her SIL’s 80th birthday party because I was in labour and she’s agreed to have my older child, so that’s what she did. (And I’d argue an 80th birthday is a bigger deal than a first!)

It’s also possible that the hospital may have rules (especially on ICU) about child visitors/babies.

On a general children's ward, I think it is unlikely but you are right, it might be the case in some ICU's, though more likely adult ICU's rather than PICU's.

When my son had cancer last year, one of the other mums was heavily pregnant when her child was going through treatment and when she had the baby, they moved her to a side room as opposed to the shared bay so she could stay in the hospital at night with her poorly child and her new baby.

It does seem kind of rule and unfeeling of them. However, people just do whatever they want and we have to adjust it seems. I'd be hurt though.

Your child's surgery is priority

83% of over 1000 people said you are unreasonable. It's clear the majority agree you are being unreasonable, so it's good you're moving on.

Good luck with the surgery. I hope you have another childcare option?

It's her first birthday. It's a big event for them. Of course they want the party on the day.

Going against the grain here but I do think your BIL and SIL are kinda being arseholes here.
Mostly because they have put your MIL in a unfair position.
She either stays at home with the 7 week old grandson or she misses out on her granddaughters first birthday.

Your BIL and SIL are not talking to you about it because they are aware they are making a situation and have no intention to assist your MIL to do both.

Handhold OP. It sounds really hard. I’d step up for my family like this and it’s clear you would too. I’m sorry they’re not able to do that. You can’t make them, but it’s not wrong to have that expectation and disappointment. I feel for you and hope your son has surgery that is as straightforward and pain free as possible in the circumstances.

Been there with a reflux baby too, and when we had a family emergency, blowing a lot of savings on a specialist maternity nurse/ night nanny for three nights made all the difference. This was long before CoL crisis so understand may not be possible but helped us in similar circumstances. Best of luck.

OP, I understand them wanting to have it on their child's birthday but knowing that your MIL was supposed to babysit at a difficult and stressful time and now it looks like she can't as she can't drive is not on. I'd be annoyed too as you need support not more stress.

This would really piss me off and whilst I probably wouldn’t say anything other than “Enjoy your party” it would certainly colour my view of the in laws. Very self-absorbed people

And also, sympathy for the reflux baby. I had one of those, it’s gruelling

YANBU - it’s appalling that they’ve done this and therefore impacted the childcare arrangements.

Any other gran would have said to her son that she had to prioritise looking after the baby due to the operation.

It’s not so much about you missing the party, although that’s a bit shit for your son - it’s about the operation and them being unsupportive dicks about it.

I sometimes feel that responses on mumsnet are mad - do none of you expect to rely on family, or make decisions that support your wider family? Do you only think, my child, my decision, fuck everyone else when you make decisions?

There is no way I’d be having a party on the day of my niece’s surgery. Especially on a Tuesday, when it could just as well be on a Saturday.

Don’t acknowledge the party in any way or send a gift. Just ignore the message.

They and Gran won't see it as its look after baby or attend party. They probably all see it as Gran would take baby to the party, its not exactly going to be partying late.

We don't know what other reason the parents have for not moving the party. Maybe the Dad works weekends so midweek suits them better.

Not everyone likes the idea of moving little kids birthdays. I moved my own kids first birthday by one day, due to stuff the day after. I got comments 'that means I won't see DGC on their actual birthday', they were seeing them the day before and the day after!

This. She could take your child to the party with her. But the likelihood is the surgery could be cancelled anyway

Yeah...I'd be upset if my own siblings didn't ask about their niece/nephew's operation, especially in light of OP saying their child has a bleeding disorder which add risk to the operation.
You say 'family is important'. Isn't an operation important, one where OP already arranged for MIL to care for their new baby?

I assume most people send their neices / nephews gifts regardless of parties.

Why cause a family fall out? Op has little kids the sibling has little kids all close in age. They could have an absolute blast growing up together.

You don't know what other constraints the couple are working with. Do they work weekends ? Do the other grandparents have stuff on at the weekend?

Edit i said Dad works only because I was thinking Mum would still be on Mat leave but she's likely to be back at work.