Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel annoyed and let down with 1st birthday party being going ahead on the same day as my sons surgery.

175 replies

DeepGreenWriter · 23/10/2025 15:35

My brother in law (husbands brother) and sister in law have sent an invite for their daughters first birthday on the same day as our sons surgery.

In fairness the day of the party falls on niece’s actually birthday (on a Tuesday) so I can understand wanting to have her party on the actual day of her birthday. However a few weeks ago when we first found out about the date of the surgery my sister in law said they would look at having it on the weekend before.

For context this is a surgery my son has been waiting for, for a while so there wasn’t any flexibility with the dates. Our youngest will only be 7 weeks when the surgery is happening and my mother-in-law was meant to be looking after him but now will be attending the party. We have had to make other child care arrangements. Our youngest is very unsettled in the evenings so brining him without us would not have worked.

The party itself is just at their house (so no venue booking or catering) with close family. So this includes all of their siblings on both sides, the children and both grandparents.

Instead of telling us face to face that they have decided to go ahead with the party on their daughters birthday they just sent an invite in the family group chat knowing full well we can’t attend. We have since gathered that by the time the message was sent the two other siblings in the group chat already knew the party was happening on that date. So effectively they just sent the message to avoid having a conversation about it.

Brother-in-law in particular claims to be close to our eldest but I just feel a bit out by this. I know I might be being unreasonable so would welcome your feedback.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 23/10/2025 16:11

If MIL will still have the baby leg her. If she takes them and they are unsettled the family will have to deal with it because they knew what they were setting up.

Hope your sons surgery goes well Flowers

Needspaceforlego · 23/10/2025 16:11

Coatsoff42 · 23/10/2025 16:07

If it’s a small surgery, surely only one parent goes along to that, and the other stays with the baby/goes to the party.
If it’s a major op, you’ll all be out of the running for any partying for a while, with the recovery time etc. your poorly DC won’t want to go to a party with stitches or dressings.

Have a another get together later, life is unpredictable, you’ve got enough stress with a new baby and an operation, just take it easy.

Regardless of the size of surgery, Mum is going to want a handhold while she waits.

Even a small Op can take ages from when you take them to theatre to them coming back to the ward.
I can't remember how long I was told to go away for 60 - 90 mins maybe but it was an absolute age! Having someone else there to talk with helps.

Original poster
DeepGreenWriter · 23/10/2025 16:12

Thanks for the responses, it’s useful to have an outside perspective. I’ll be honest I understand why the want to have the party on their daughters birthday (as I’ve stated earlier) it was just the fact that they’ve stayed silent and spoken to everyone else. I saw them the day before and the day after and they haven’t mentioned anything or asked about my son’s op next week.

On the childcare issue my mother-in-law hasn’t out right said no but she’s indicated she’s not keen now. She doesn’t drive so she is reliant on brother in law picking her up and dropping off and they have already said they won’t be able to drop her off until very late. My youngest is currently 6 weeks and suffers with reflux and crys for hours in the evening so it wouldn’t be fair for either of them.

OP posts:
Notagain75 · 23/10/2025 16:12

IglesiasPiggl · 23/10/2025 15:53

To me, the thing wrong with this is that they knew MIL was already due to help with the baby, but have put this in and expected her to make a choice. I can understand them wanting to do it on the actual day, but given MIL's helping, they could have chosen a day either side - the one year old won't care. I think it's a bit off.

They probs assumed the mother in law could take the baby to the party.
I don't quite understand what she can't.

Allswellthatendswelll · 23/10/2025 16:13

DS had surgery when DD was 6 weeks and we just took her. I was ebf and I knew he would want me. It was completely fine. So maybe ask the hospital in the pre op call?
I know some people would worry about germs but it was a 2 bay kids ward with kids having grommets and I kept her close.

DingDongJingle · 23/10/2025 16:13

Needspaceforlego · 23/10/2025 16:11

Regardless of the size of surgery, Mum is going to want a handhold while she waits.

Even a small Op can take ages from when you take them to theatre to them coming back to the ward.
I can't remember how long I was told to go away for 60 - 90 mins maybe but it was an absolute age! Having someone else there to talk with helps.

Edited
Show quote history

Depends. I took my 6 year old DD for surgery and felt no need to have someone there with me while I waited for her. I just took a book. DH was better off staying at home with our other kids.

Notagain75 · 23/10/2025 16:16

DeepGreenWriter · 23/10/2025 16:12

Thanks for the responses, it’s useful to have an outside perspective. I’ll be honest I understand why the want to have the party on their daughters birthday (as I’ve stated earlier) it was just the fact that they’ve stayed silent and spoken to everyone else. I saw them the day before and the day after and they haven’t mentioned anything or asked about my son’s op next week.

On the childcare issue my mother-in-law hasn’t out right said no but she’s indicated she’s not keen now. She doesn’t drive so she is reliant on brother in law picking her up and dropping off and they have already said they won’t be able to drop her off until very late. My youngest is currently 6 weeks and suffers with reflux and crys for hours in the evening so it wouldn’t be fair for either of them.

Can't she get a taxi? Or can't you or your husband pick her up? I assume you would want to be with your baby on the evening if they are unsettled. I know it's hard but when you have more than one child sometimes you can't both be with a child at the hospital at the same time.

Coatsoff42 · 23/10/2025 16:16

DingDongJingle · 23/10/2025 16:13

Depends. I took my 6 year old DD for surgery and felt no need to have someone there with me while I waited for her. I just took a book. DH was better off staying at home with our other kids.

Show quote history

Same. I took dc1 for a day patient op and read a book while my husband looked after the other one at home. It didn’t occur to me to have 2 parents for a minor op.

Major surgery yes, of course.

Needlesnah · 23/10/2025 16:18

I was very hands on with mine - the baby would be going with me to the hospital tbh. I understand that the lack of communication, probably deliberate, is annoying for you but I think you need to let it go.

Tiswa · 23/10/2025 16:19

What is the surgery because I think that is relevant as well

Lemonjane · 23/10/2025 16:22

Sounds an unsettling time for you all, I hope your sons pp goes well. I think you can take your SIL arrangements for the party out of the equation and just decide whether you are happy for MIL to have your baby or not. If yes then it's down to your husband to clarify if she's still willing to have the baby.

If you aren't comfortable then you'll need to take baby with you and DH will have to be the one to stay overnight with your son in hospital, which is absolutely fine. I understand why you both want to be there but when you have two children you have to adjust to doing things 121 from now on.

Overthebow · 23/10/2025 16:22

I don’t think they are being unreasonable to have the party on the actual birthday, but they should understand you can’t come. I think MIL is being unreasonable if she won’t do the arranged childcare anymore because of the party. You can’t really have a 7 week baby looked after by someone whose not close family.

Jollyhockeystickss · 23/10/2025 16:23

'Instead of telling us face to face that they have decided to go ahead with the party on their daughters birthday' how disgusting to celebrate a little girls birthday on the day of her actual birthday!! Oh hold on you come first!!!

MyDeftDuck · 23/10/2025 16:27

Family first………your responsibility is to your own children……..and BIL’s is to his.
Forget the party and focus on getting your child through the surgery which I hope is a success .

Needspaceforlego · 23/10/2025 16:32

Coatsoff42 · 23/10/2025 16:16

Same. I took dc1 for a day patient op and read a book while my husband looked after the other one at home. It didn’t occur to me to have 2 parents for a minor op.

Major surgery yes, of course.

Show quote history

Maybe the difference is being prepared for it. DS was 3 and it was emergency surgery after an accident so less than 24hr notice. Zero prep, I get nervous just thinking about it.
The only reason it wasn't same day was time.

WFHforevermore · 23/10/2025 16:33

I dont understand why you expect them to speak you about it? Its their childs bday.

Hope the op goes well.

Redrosesposies · 23/10/2025 16:33

No I don't think you are being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed and upset by this, especially as they had previously said they would try and work round it, but you shouldn't dwell on it and just accept that sometimes these things happen.

You won't forget though that your in-laws have not prioritised your family at a time that most reasonable people would think is pretty important and it will probably make you take a bit of a step back from them. It might not be in an obvious way but it will probably always be there at the back of your mind (well it would be for me anyway).
Thankfully you have sorted out alternative childcare for the baby and I hope your son's surgery goes well.

freedo · 23/10/2025 16:34

Weird, my family wouldn't act like this.

freedo · 23/10/2025 16:43

You won't forget though that your in-laws have not prioritised your family at a time that most reasonable people would think is pretty important and it will probably make you take a bit of a step back from them.

This is the bit I find weird. Absolutely fine for the family to celebrate their dcs birthday but why would wider family want to celebrate when another family are missing out due to surgery. My MIL would never do this.

DiscoBob · 23/10/2025 16:47

You really should try not to let it bother you. It's more more important to focus on your son and his recovery. Maybe the anxiety about that is coming out in a way that you feel hurt about this. As in you feel like maybe your family aren't as supportive or understanding about the pressure of the surgery? That's understandable but it definitely wasn't done intentionally to exclude you.

You just have to say it's a real shame you can't come on that day. And do a meet up once your child has recovered.

Wishing him the best x

Beeinalily · 23/10/2025 16:49

I think it's bothering you so much because you're stressed and worried about your son's surgery OP, understandably so. Forgot it for now, perhaps have a little tea party or day out for the two of them when he's up to it.

JHound · 23/10/2025 16:49

YABU.

Beeinalily · 23/10/2025 16:50

Sorry @DiscoBob , almost the same thing posted at the same time!

Ddakji · 23/10/2025 16:52

I’m not surprised you’re a bit annoyed but I assume this is your DH’s family - has he spoken to anyone?

WilfredsPies · 23/10/2025 16:52

it was just the fact that they’ve stayed silent and spoken to everyone else. I saw them the day before and the day after and they haven’t mentioned anything or asked about my son’s op next week

They probably thought that you wouldn’t be over the moon about it and are avoiding a difficult conversation

Swipe left for the next trending thread