Dh saw old images of my ex ex and I

[Kazane]

Dh and I have a plastic box filled with electronics where we store chargers, headphones, usbs etc. It’s become a bit of a dumping place for random things. There are things in there that have been knocking around for years. Dh decided it was time to organise the box. He ended up firing up an old mobile (to wipe and recycle). Unfortunately, this mobile still contained intimate images of myself and an ex. I mean really explicit. Obviously I was a complete idiot to lose track of those images. Dh said he only saw a couple and stopped as soon as he realised what he was looking at. But I guess the damage is somewhat done. I looked at the photo gallery and was absolutely horrified with what was last on there. I mean the phone is 7 years old. I was in my 20s. I would be really upset if I saw pictures of Dh and his ex.

Dh has been quite off with me for the last couple of days. I’ve apologised that he had to see that. But beyond that I really don’t know what else I can do. I’m 6 months pregnant and feel really hurt by the whole thing. Dh has said all the right words but I can tell he’s pulled away slightly. I would be hurt in his situation but I don’t think I would be treating him the way I’m being treated. Ie being distant

Please be kind. This whole thing has caused me a lot of anxiety. I have generalised anxiety and this has made my anxiety so much worse.

He is not valid to look through her personal pictures. He knew it wasn't his phone. It's a modern version of '"Eavesdroppers never hear any good of themselves". He shouldn't have been looking and should have asked OP to do it.

You're a treat aren't you?

Yes.

OP gave him permission to wipe her phone with no explicit intructions not to look at the contents first. The majority of sensible people would have a quick glance first to ensure nothing of importance was being lost, then again afterwards to ensure the wipe worked. The less sensible approach would be to wipe it blindly or not at all.

People can also get upset about situations where nobody is explicitly to blame and shouldn't be berated into 'getting over it' or labelled a baby etc for not coming to terms with it in the snap of a finger.

How would he know what's important if its not his phone?

Probably better that he checked it rather than recycle it with intimate pictures on it. Who knows who would have seen it.

I do think there's a big difference between having sexual pictures of your ex on your current phone/laptop and having them on a device that hasn't been turned on in years. If there was any suggestion that OP had been deliberately keeping and treasuring the photos I think the advice would, rightly, be very different.

You don’t need to be apologising for things that you did before you met.

I'd check photos before I chucked a phone, there might be something precious. I wouldn't know if an old phone was mine or DHs as we have often had the same make and model so yes I'd check the photos in case I wanted to keep one.

...By checking with OP if he does find something that looks like it's worth retaining?

You know it's pretty standard relationship behaviour when being proactive or decluttering.

For example, DW often asks me if I mind cleaning her car everytime I clean mine. I remove obvious litter, receipts of insiginficant items (coffee, bottle of water) but anything that might be important (clothes receipts etc) I check with her first if they want discarding.

As I say pretty routine, sensible behaviour. Your response is quite a defensive approach that someone with guilt or something to hide would take. Or perhaps someone with less common sense would take.

She was spot on. What is your problem?

But how would he know whats worth retaining?

im not defensive at all, what a strange thing to think. I actually do have common sense though and rather than go through someone else's hundreds of photos when id have absolutely no idea what to even flag up, id take the very sensible and caring approach of saying "do you want to double check this phone before I wipe it love?"

Unless i was on the snoop obvs. In that case i might go straight to a file folder under the pretence that i was just being proactive and caring 😬

You may want to check you aren’t deleting special photos (of the normal kind) before wiping for good. A sensible approach before permanent removal.

I understand that he feels horrible, I would too - but he also needs to apologise. Phones are private.

Then she shouldn’t have told him to crack on and delete everything or told him to simply do a reset. He’s nothing to apologise for, I’m fairly sure in his wildest dreams as he quickly checked thumbnails in a file folder before deleting everything for her he didn’t expect porn,

You are so judgmental.

I've literally just said (as other have) by checking with OP if he finds any files/pictures that look like OP might want to keep?

Do you literally have a one track mind?

Many people (myself included) would check the phone then report back if there was anything worth keeping. Other people (youself by the sounds of it) would give the parter the option to check the phone first. Both are acceptable options.The first option makes life easier for OP as she's only being bothered IF DH finds something he thinks might be worth retaining. The second option asks if the partner wants to commit time to scroll through the phone first which she might not have time to do. Either option is ok.

But you seem to have a hard time understanding why anyone would take the first approach and again have jumped to a defensive conclusion that only a snoop would check the phone first 🙄

If it was a smartphone you might want to check your Google Photos / iDrive on the laptop. Log on with a browser and scroll back to the rough date seven years ago, and see if they are still there.

Deleting them off the device does not always delete them from the cloud. Make sure they're deleted from your cloud account, otherwise they may keep reappearing on your current / future phones.

And hang in there, it happens to the best of us 😟

Not to me it doesn't. The last naked picture of me was in 1983. I think it's still in my mum's photo album.

I've literally just said (as other have) by checking with OP if he finds any files/pictures that look like OP might want to keep?

So by that notion, he'd have to go through EVERY picture to check it isn't something she wants to keep? Every conversation she ever had on that phone?
Every file? and you think OP saying get rid of it, was giving him permission to go through it all and decide for himself what was important enough to 'show' her? Don't be so ridiculous! Only nosy busy bodies, or someone curious about her past, would snoop through someone old phone under those pretenses!!

It's NOT the same as finding a receipt in a car and putting it to one side in case it is important, or going through an old handbag before throwing it to make sure there no money in there etc, your comparisons are nowhere near the same level of intrusion.

That phone contains OP's whole personal history for probably 1-4 years from a time before they were together, he has absolutely no right to 'go through it' and 'decide' anything!

The ONLY thing he SHOULD have done, is charge it up and say, "I've charged your phone, can you have a look through it before I wipe in case there is anything on there you want?"

Again, how would he know what op might want to keep?

And yea I dont understand why someone would waste their time going through hundreds of someone else's photos when they'd have absolutely no idea what they are looking at and doing, what? "Want to keep this one? This one? How about that one?"

Anyone genuinely caring would just do....well you know what they'd do.

Well, of course I understand why someone would go through photos in that manner - pretence of being caring even though they have no clue what might be important - Im being facetious there.

Keep saying im being defensive though based on absolutely nothing I have said.

Could be said youre the defensive one for still desperately trying to justify going through someone else's file folder rather than just double checking they're definitely ok for it to be wiped. Smacks a bit of "I know what you want better than you". Are you the controlling type normally?

Many people (myself included) would check the phone then report back if there was anything worth keeping.

These "many" people are just nosy to be honest, who would go through someones personal possessions from a time before they knew you WITHOUT BEING ASKED OR GIVEN PERMISSION, completely the opposite of what they've asked you to do.

OP said to "wipe and get rid", so I think it says more about her DH and YOU who would do the opposite of the instructions given because you think you know better than the person who's property it actually is.

I can see your logic now:
"They're so incompetent they won't realise they've thrown away nana's 90th birthday photos.. I won't ask them to check just in case, I'll infantilise them by doing it myself and showing them after what a mistake they nearly made"

I literally said IF. It's quite possible DH checked the phone and it contained no photos of files. He could have checked and it contained only a few and he felt he knows OP well enough to determine if they're important. It also possible they contained way too many for him to want to check and he could return to OP and ask if she wanted to check.

As I say there are many options on how to approach getting rid of an old phone, there's not one definitive approach.

Posters such as yourself and meg are reacting very defensively by suggesting someone is snooping or weird to take a different approach to you, which says more about your lack of trust in people and narrow mindness. You've literally ignored OP's own posts about DHs character to create this negative narrative.

"I can see your logic now:
"They're so incompetent they won't realise they've thrown away nana's 90th birthday photos.. I won't ask them to check just in case, I'll infantilise them by doing it myself and showing them after what a mistake they nearly made"

As if thats the real reason anyway tho. Most people wiping a partners phone from a lifetime ago would surely realise they'd have no clue who is Nana who died 5 years before you met and who is Bertha from Accounts on her retirement do 😂

And yet, here you are saying someone who says "you can wipe the phone" cant possibly be trusted to indeed be certain the phone can be wiped.