Dh saw old images of my ex ex and I

[Kazane]

Dh and I have a plastic box filled with electronics where we store chargers, headphones, usbs etc. It’s become a bit of a dumping place for random things. There are things in there that have been knocking around for years. Dh decided it was time to organise the box. He ended up firing up an old mobile (to wipe and recycle). Unfortunately, this mobile still contained intimate images of myself and an ex. I mean really explicit. Obviously I was a complete idiot to lose track of those images. Dh said he only saw a couple and stopped as soon as he realised what he was looking at. But I guess the damage is somewhat done. I looked at the photo gallery and was absolutely horrified with what was last on there. I mean the phone is 7 years old. I was in my 20s. I would be really upset if I saw pictures of Dh and his ex.

Dh has been quite off with me for the last couple of days. I’ve apologised that he had to see that. But beyond that I really don’t know what else I can do. I’m 6 months pregnant and feel really hurt by the whole thing. Dh has said all the right words but I can tell he’s pulled away slightly. I would be hurt in his situation but I don’t think I would be treating him the way I’m being treated. Ie being distant

Please be kind. This whole thing has caused me a lot of anxiety. I have generalised anxiety and this has made my anxiety so much worse.

How much space does a phone take up, though? Why on earth was there this pressing need for him to delve into her private things and clear them out? He was looking for a reason to get the arse and he found one.

I had an ex who once spontaneously asked if he could read my old travel diaries from when I was 20-22. I could tell he thought he was being magnificent and magnaminous for asking permission rather than just diving in. He framed it as "we should know all about each other and I want to know you." I found it funny and wasn't bothered either way. He read them, and got offended and sulky because I briefly alluded therein to a steamy knee trembler with a fellow tourist in a foreign hotel-- several years before we met. 😅 I got rid soon after that.

How is checking the phones contents before wiping and discarding doing the opposite of wiping and getting rid of? If you asked someone to eat an apple and throw the core in the bin, but instead they checked it wasn't mouldy, washed it then proceeded to eat it, would you say that's doing the opposite?

You're being very melodramatic suggesting opposite instructions are being followed without permission when OP has said she allowed to DH access to the phone and gave instructions which are open to interpretation.

This is a phone that's sat in a cupboard for years. If DH had a burning desire to snoop he has had ample time to do so. But OP has gave no indication he's a snoop with current or previous possessions. It pains you to hear it but the evidence supports the narrative DH inadvertantly stumbled across these pictures whilst attempting to be proactive and declutter. It doesn't so much support your projected narrative of DH being a untrusting, fearful snoop. Granted it may but possible, less likely, but possible. However, you are convinced it's an absolute so there's little point conversing any further with you.

Dont feel awful and dont be sorry. You have nothing wrong, same way he hasnt.

Its not nice obv. but everyone has a past and most of us have pics somewhere!!

I see, so being overly sensitive because you’re feeling embarrassed/exposed isn’t a thing? It’s always someone else’s fault

Yes you agreed he could wipe them but didn’t agree to him going through your photos on them? If he’d said there’s photos on them I’ll go through them - what he should have said is there’s photos on this phone please go through them and check if you want to keep any of them and then I’ll wipe it for you. He crossed a big line and now is pissed off at you for something HE did!! Don’t be sorry you had a life before him! He took it upon himself to look at your photos! I doubt it’s just the thumbnails too that he saw as you barely see anything off them. My ex read through my old diaries and then got annoyed at me about what I’d written about my ex boyfriend! Years later an may more incidences of domestic abuse and I learned that this is yet another red flag

It's a case of common sense not trust. Can you honestly say you've always been absolute in all the instructions you've ever given? You've never gave instructions that assumed some knowledge and/or you're impervious to making mistakes?

You literally see no value in ever double checking and any attempt by someone to clarify or reaffirm instructions you interpet as a lack of trust in you? Is your ego seriously that fragile?

Posters such as yourself and meg are reacting very defensively by suggesting someone is snooping or weird to take a different approach to you, which says more about your lack of trust in people and narrow mindness.

It's not about the "approach", going through someones personal files without being asked to or given permission to is the definition of 'snooping', the motive for doing it is irrelevant.

I never said his INTENT was to use it to make OP feel bad about it, but that is the end result, and it is not at all fair on OP that she is being made to suffer because he overstepped her privacy by doing something she never asked him to do in the first place (check her files and photos).

Also not to make you look silly but from OP's own mouth

" I genuinely did not think I had anything on the phones I didn’t want dh to see so I told him to crack on."

So someone who said 'you can wipe the phone' has actually proven not be certain the phone was free of information she didn't want DH to see. Lol. I'm sure you'll double down in defence of your above statement. lol.

How is checking the phones contents before wiping and discarding doing the opposite of wiping and getting rid of? If you asked someone to eat an apple and throw the core in the bin, but instead they checked it wasn't mouldy, washed it then proceeded to eat it, would you say that's doing the opposite?

What stupid nonsense is this?

the better analogy would be someone saying, "This apple is rotten, can you throw it in the bin for me please?" and the other person taking it, deciding it's okay and eating it, then getting food poisoning . THEN blaming the person who gave it them.

asking someone to throw something away, but you deciding to go through it's contents and confront them with evidence are opposite actions.

Your language is so telling. You see OP as a possession of her husband, and that it would be shaming for her DH if pictures are seen of OP. When really the crime would be against OP.

You are more concerned about her DH being shamed than the impact on OP.

I would be considered a prude by today’s mores (my DH was my only sexual partner) but even I can see the inherent misogyny in many of these posts.

You have nothing to apologize for, everyone has a past and everyone has done some things we may regret now. Taking nude pictures with ex is absolutely tame compared to other stuff that can actually impact your life or health. Let him take his time to process this if he needs to, but don't apologize further. You've done nothing wrong.

You seem certain DH had no permission yet the OP has used phrases such as 'crack on' and indicated permission to wipe the phones was granted. Nothing has suggested she gave clear concise instructions free of misinterpretation. Many posters have confirmed they would check the phone first which is a sensible and acceptable action to take.

It's terrible OP feels bad. It's terrible DH saw the photos. No need to assign blame which I've stated from the get go. However, you are focussing on assigning blame and labelling the DH a snoop rather than focus on it being an unfortunate incident that nobody it's in the wrong for.

Of course I see value in that.

"Shall I wipe this phone"
"Yes"

:::::Person wiping thinks better double check if they want to be caring::::

"You sure you dont want to go through it love?"

My ego is fine my dude, im not the one who thinks i know better and its logical to go through photos without a clue what or who im looking at rather than ask that simple question 😂

Nothing has suggested she gave clear concise instructions free of misinterpretation.

You're tying yourself in knots to try and prove he had permission to go through the files and photos. If he wasn't given permission or asked to do it then he HAD NO permission to do it.. it's really very simple.

Permission is just the same as consent:
Just because someone didn't say no, it doesn't mean they consented.
I'd warn you from continuing to argue that not saying no, actually means yes when it comes to permission/consent... you'd be treading on very dangerous ground.

Besides I'm not "labelling" her DH as a snoop, he snooped one time, probably through no ill intent (although I have my doubts, he knew he would have at least seen things that were really none of his business, he just wasn't expecting anything as explicit), what I AM very much blaming him for is holding it against her and making her feel bad.

He has caused this problem between them, not OP.

The DH didnt need to see the information, as op confirmed he could wipe it, so why the need to look unless he thought he knew better, AND it turned out not to be this sacred Important History youve been bleating on about afterall.

Its actually a little amusing you think your comment is a gotcha when all youve done is proven my point rather spectacularly 😂 i dont think ive ever seen such a glorious own goal.

I don't see any woman as being the possession of any man.

But the fact OP made explicit sexual material with her ex partner is bound to change his perception of who she is if he had no idea previously that was the type of behaviour she thought was normal.

He is perfectly entitled to reassess his perception of who she is. As we all are when we find out previously hidden aspects of someones character when we thought we had a grasp on who they were.

It's nothing to do with the fact she had previous sexual partners. He must have been totally aware of that. It's the fact she thought it appropriate to photograph their sexual activity that for me would make me reassess a person.

It was unfortunate you didn't delete the photos when you and your ex broke up, but you can't do anything about it now. This is just one of those 'waiting for the dust to settle' situations. While we all logically know that people have a sexual history, when evidence of that history unexpectedly pops up it can be a bit confronting and take a bit of time to process. No need to apologise further, just give him a bit of time and space to get to grips with it. Before long you'll have a new baby to focus on and this will be yesterday's fish and chips paper.

He’s not a “body count” guy is he?

I think there is always at least one. I wouldn’t respond any further as it’s not helping the situation you’re actually in now. Of course your husband will be a bit shocked, I guess a lot of us might if we were in the same situation as him, and yeah it might need a little bit of time and space.
However, his behaviour towards you going forward is what you are - rightly - concerned about. And I think his reaction - after some time (no one can really guess what the “acceptable” amount of time is unfortunately) - going forward is the important thing. Yes, everybody has a past and nobody on here, or anywhere else, could honestly say they’ve never done something daft, reckless, things they wish they hadn’t or made a mistake of any kind. Yours just happens to be this. There will be a few of us on here who may have done similar at some point. But if this does actually mean that your husband treats you differently in the future, shames you for it, belittles you, calls you names etc, then that is what you need to look out for. I think, for now, it really is just wait and see for a while. You’ve already addressed it with him, no doubt apologised and tried to justify it (btw, you shouldn’t need to but it is human nature to do so I think), but you’ve said what you can/have and don’t feel like you should have to continue to do so. You’ve acknowledged that you know it was a shock for him to find, and you’ve “explained yourself”. See what happens over the next day/s and then see how he behaves towards you, as his future words and actions, once he’s had time to process it/calm down, is what will be important within/to your relationship going forward. Hopefully he won’t turn into a massive misogynist and change the way he sees/treats you! I mean, there are very few men who’ve never even glanced at pornography at some point I expect, so it would be a little hypocritical if he held it against you. We all have a past, and would probably all need a little time if we came across pics of our current partner with an ex. And I’m assuming it’s because the photos of you were with an ex, and not just naked photos of yourself on your phone, is what the main issue would be.

So, you wouldn't be upset if you saw intimate pictures of your husband with his ex?

No, it's not rational, but we are human.

So, yes, give the guy a break.

hidden aspects of someones character.

I find that quite insulting to be fair, people do all sorts of things throughout their lives, more so when they are young, good decisions, bad decisions, experimental things, things they are proud of, things they regret, it's all part of learning and growing as a person, the person OP is NOW is who her DH fell in love with, and she is only that person because of all the decisions and choices she has made in her life up to that point. Saying one isolated decision she made in the past is 'part of her character now' is just untrue and to be honest unfair.

Aside from anything illegal or immoral, then she does not have to disclose every single decision or choice she has ever made to a prospective partner or even husband, if her past sexual history was so important to him that it had the potential to make him "re-assess her as a person" then it was up to him to make sure he knew everything first (full disclosure), or just not ever ask (or care as it is in the past), and most definitely not snoop in her private files/photos from long before they were ever together.

He will never get them Images out of his head now,
he will wonder why you kept them,
you will just have to give him time.

A man who takes it on himself to go through his wife's old photos, find pictures of her with her ex from seven years ago, and goes into distant and butthurt mode even though she is six months pregnant? A man who has made her feel she has to apologise? Her could have just spotted them, wiped them, dealt with any chagrin privately, and treated his pregnant wife no differently. She'd have been none the wiser and he'd have learnt a lesson in snooping.

But no, he had to turn this into a drama, let her know what he'd uncovered, and made sure OP felt ashamed and anxious about a situation he created.

OP has done NOTHING wrong. He has behaved without kindness, tact, dignity or integrity. Towards his pregnant wife.

Shame on him.

@APTPT
This times 1000 👏👏👏

Exactly. It's obvious she hadn't been looking at them recently if the phone had been sitting in a box used to dump forgotten crap they're not using. If anything I'd be shocked initially, then rib my DH for it. I wouldn't choose to scroll through the images, I would see naked people and think no thanks; but sounds like he had a good look at them for it to still playing on his mind this much. I wouldn't be sulking for days and upsetting my wife and unborn child over something she did when she was in her 20s when her frontal lobe likely wasn't fully developed.