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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh saw old images of my ex ex and I

284 replies

Kazane · 23/10/2025 06:49

Dh and I have a plastic box filled with electronics where we store chargers, headphones, usbs etc. It’s become a bit of a dumping place for random things. There are things in there that have been knocking around for years. Dh decided it was time to organise the box. He ended up firing up an old mobile (to wipe and recycle). Unfortunately, this mobile still contained intimate images of myself and an ex. I mean really explicit. Obviously I was a complete idiot to lose track of those images. Dh said he only saw a couple and stopped as soon as he realised what he was looking at. But I guess the damage is somewhat done. I looked at the photo gallery and was absolutely horrified with what was last on there. I mean the phone is 7 years old. I was in my 20s. I would be really upset if I saw pictures of Dh and his ex.

Dh has been quite off with me for the last couple of days. I’ve apologised that he had to see that. But beyond that I really don’t know what else I can do. I’m 6 months pregnant and feel really hurt by the whole thing. Dh has said all the right words but I can tell he’s pulled away slightly. I would be hurt in his situation but I don’t think I would be treating him the way I’m being treated. Ie being distant

Please be kind. This whole thing has caused me a lot of anxiety. I have generalised anxiety and this has made my anxiety so much worse.

OP posts:
gannett · 23/10/2025 07:45

Kazane · 23/10/2025 07:29

The images he saw were from the thumbnails in the Files folder. I guess I saved them there for some reason.

i know dh is entitled to his feelings. But he knows I feel awful. Nothing was done maliciously. He’s said all the right things but I feel emotionally distant to him right now.

Try to focus on what he said, not what you think you feel.

He's saying the right things because he knows, rationally, they are the right things. You know, rationally, they're the right things too. No blame should be attached to either of you, no one did anything wrong, nothing should be irreocably changed.

Neither of your feelings have quite caught up with your rational brains yet - and that's also fine. It will just take a bit of time. That's why we say the right things - to encourage our feelings down the right track. He's probably saying them for his own benefit as well as yours.

Keroppi · 23/10/2025 07:46

Well it is what it is. Not very nice for him but he can't sulk for too long nor can you be resentful of him for feeling how he feels! Perhaps a nice date night this weekend.

Next time you can wipe devices clean/system reboot from the boot menu rather than going into the phone and deleting files manually.

GreyCarpet · 23/10/2025 07:46

Kazane · 23/10/2025 07:29

The images he saw were from the thumbnails in the Files folder. I guess I saved them there for some reason.

i know dh is entitled to his feelings. But he knows I feel awful. Nothing was done maliciously. He’s said all the right things but I feel emotionally distant to him right now.

You've both had a bit of a shock and are both feeling a bit emotionally bruised right now.

It'll pass.

I agree with the date night this weekend idea.

Enough time will have passed to allow emotions to be a little less raw and a good chance to reconnect.

PersephonePomegranate · 23/10/2025 07:47

I'd feel uncomfortable and probably upset if I were your husband. It's wrong of him to treat you like this though. He really needs to distance himself from those photos, not you.

You didn't do anything wrong, OP, it was an unfortunate situation but not meant to harm anyone. He obviously knows this himself as it sounds like there's a gap between what he's saying and what he's doing. People are imperfect though and sometimes our feelings cloud things. It'll blow over.

Original poster
Kazane · 23/10/2025 07:47

The images were in the form of thumbnails in the files folder. He didn’t see them in the photo gallery.

Obviously I have now deleted and wiped all the phones

OP posts:
Megifer · 23/10/2025 07:48

I mean, sure he was going to wipe and recycle a phone years old to get £5 for it 🙄

purpleygrey · 23/10/2025 07:48

ShenandoahRiver · 23/10/2025 07:05

He charged up the phone to wipe it before getting rid of it which is the right thing to do. No blame should be attached to him for that.

Thank god he did wipe it, those photos could have ended up anywhere !

Zoec1975 · 23/10/2025 07:52

Obviously you used the stuff in the box from time to time,you must have seen the phone there..why keep it.

ShenandoahRiver · 23/10/2025 07:52

@Megifer
The op said he was going to recycle the phone - not sell it. I always clear down old phones and check what’s on them before recycling them. Isn’t that what most people do?

Starlight7080 · 23/10/2025 07:52

You will probably laugh about this in the future. Yes its super awkward but you did nothing wrong.
Its probably more a ego thing for him. Its one thing knowing your partner has a previous sex life but its another seeing it.
He may just be wondering if the other person satisfied you more then he does.
Obviously very daft thing to worry about .

Original poster
Kazane · 23/10/2025 07:54

I never normally engage in pics due to fear of them ending up on the internet. I always have my laptop camera covered for eg. It was literally a one off with one person 6/7 yrs ago.

i was happy for dh to wipe the phones as I had cards saved, linked email accounts etc.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 23/10/2025 07:56

Bit off that he’s sulking. Yes it’s not pleasant but what’s done is done.

Original poster
Kazane · 23/10/2025 07:57

Addictedtohotbaths · 23/10/2025 07:45

He shouldn’t have been looking no matter how old the phone is or just because you’re married now. Serves him right. It’s your phone did he ask if you wanted it wiped? Maybe you would have liked to look at your old memories first.

Is he a bit controlling?

No he’s not controlling at all. He’s a lovely guy

OP posts:
LavenderBlue19 · 23/10/2025 07:58

SpringSummerAutumn · 23/10/2025 07:38

Perhaps not. But perhaps his perception of his wife wasn't that she was in the habit of taking pornographic pictures of herself.

I don't blame him for taking a bit of time to come to terms with realising he is married to someone who is actually slightly different from the woman he thought he was married to.

Edited
Show quote history

Oh come on. We've all done daft things when we're young - some of us are old enough to be very thankful camera phones didn't exist back then!

Just give it some time OP - imagine how you would have felt if you'd found the same of him. You haven't done anything wrong.

Megifer · 23/10/2025 07:58

ShenandoahRiver · 23/10/2025 07:52

@Megifer
The op said he was going to recycle the phone - not sell it. I always clear down old phones and check what’s on them before recycling them. Isn’t that what most people do?

Edited

Ah I assumed she meant one of those recycle schemes where you get a few quid.

Ive never recycled a really old phone ive just smashed shit out of it if ive ever come across one in the house after an IT geek told me it was easier to recover files from older phones even if theyve been wiped

Whentomove · 23/10/2025 07:59

I have been in his position before. It may be that he is really struggling with holding these images in his head now and will need lots and lots of time for them to fade and for them not to pop up in his mind when he sees you or is intimate with you. He may also struggle if he thinks sex was somehow ‘better’ or ‘more fun’ for you with a previous partner.

its not a rational’ response but visceral and very hard to overcome. I found that the only way I could move past images like this is when my partner very clearly and lovingly reassured me of his unwavering love and fancying me and choosing me first etc etc iyswim? Even years after, these images sometimes pop into my head when we are being intimate but we have found ways to erase them again but it has required him to do a LOT of work to reassure me that I am his special one, and he knows how to bring me back when my head goes there.

If he is anything like me you need to reassure him lots and understand it may take a long time for the images to move towards the back of his mind when you are being intimate.

he is the love of my life and I know rationally I am his, but it’s very hard to move past jealousy of previous experiences and it takes time. We all have pasts.

good luck op

WeeGeeBored · 23/10/2025 08:01

Kazane · 23/10/2025 07:44

He asked me absolutely ages ago if it was okay for him to wipe the phones for him to recycle. I very rarely took photos but I did with this one ex. I genuinely did not think I had anything on the phones I didn’t want dh to see so I told him to crack on.

That still doesn’t give him license to look through your old photos.

Rewis · 23/10/2025 08:04

Just let them have feelings for a few days. Sometimes you need time to process even after the discussions.

Rewis · 23/10/2025 08:05

WeeGeeBored · 23/10/2025 08:01

That still doesn’t give him license to look through your old photos.

Show quote history

Surely checking the photos is the main reason to fire up an old phone before you get rid.

Pancakeorcrepe · 23/10/2025 08:06

Give him a few days to get over it, he is just dealing with his emotions which would be quite visceral. I too would be a bit schocked with the visual confrontation of a partner's previous intimate life. You have done nothing wrong, neither has he. He'll process his feelings soon enough. Try not to let the anxiety get to you and concentrate on the pregnancy and rest of your life. All will be fine.

WeeGeeBored · 23/10/2025 08:08

SpringSummerAutumn · 23/10/2025 07:45

Perhaps she has "grown up".

But there must be a lot of questions going through her H's head about what other sexualised images exist of his wife and who is in possession of them.
For all he knows these images and similar might be still currently available for viewing on the Internet somewhere. Because presumably OP's ex had access to explicit images involving her.

Edited
Show quote history

I don’t understand this at all. If the images were from a couple of years ago even I might get it but not from OP’s 20’s.

Regarding images online: that is not something to put onto Op is it? That should make him feel more empathy for her.

Caleb64 · 23/10/2025 08:08

To wipe a phone you don’t need to go through it! If it was your phone from the very early days of your relationship (possibly still in a relationship with your ex when you got it) then he should have been mindful of that! You’ve done nothing wrong! Of course it stung him but being distant is crazy. Serves him right. I struggle with always thinking I’ve done something wrong (childhood trauma - thanks 🙈) but you have done NOTHING wrong. Let him have a sulk, you carry on as normal, stress and upset is not good for your baby. It won’t hurt husband to realise you’re still a desirable woman to other men in my opinion.

IkeaJesusChrist · 23/10/2025 08:08

It's not a rational response but sometimes we're not rational.

I also don't think he's done much wrong, he wasn't snooping and I'm a bit suspicious of posters who are trying to make him out to be the bad guy, nobody's the bad guy.

Outside9 · 23/10/2025 08:08

Roles reversed we would be tearing him apart. That's a horrible thing to see.

All you can do is give it time, it heals all wounds.

SpringSummerAutumn · 23/10/2025 08:08

LavenderBlue19 · 23/10/2025 07:58

Oh come on. We've all done daft things when we're young - some of us are old enough to be very thankful camera phones didn't exist back then!

Just give it some time OP - imagine how you would have felt if you'd found the same of him. You haven't done anything wrong.

Show quote history

There is doing " daft things" and there is taking pornographic images of yourself.

And there is taking pornographic images of yourself and " losing track" of these images, as OP has said she has done.

That is not just a bit of " daftness". That has serious implications for your privacy. Goodness knows who has access to these images.