Dh saw old images of my ex ex and I

[Kazane]

Dh and I have a plastic box filled with electronics where we store chargers, headphones, usbs etc. It’s become a bit of a dumping place for random things. There are things in there that have been knocking around for years. Dh decided it was time to organise the box. He ended up firing up an old mobile (to wipe and recycle). Unfortunately, this mobile still contained intimate images of myself and an ex. I mean really explicit. Obviously I was a complete idiot to lose track of those images. Dh said he only saw a couple and stopped as soon as he realised what he was looking at. But I guess the damage is somewhat done. I looked at the photo gallery and was absolutely horrified with what was last on there. I mean the phone is 7 years old. I was in my 20s. I would be really upset if I saw pictures of Dh and his ex.

Dh has been quite off with me for the last couple of days. I’ve apologised that he had to see that. But beyond that I really don’t know what else I can do. I’m 6 months pregnant and feel really hurt by the whole thing. Dh has said all the right words but I can tell he’s pulled away slightly. I would be hurt in his situation but I don’t think I would be treating him the way I’m being treated. Ie being distant

Please be kind. This whole thing has caused me a lot of anxiety. I have generalised anxiety and this has made my anxiety so much worse.

Maybe OP can clarify, but l don’t think it’s something that can be assumed, as OP says she’s careful about that sort of thing. I suppose it’s possible that it’s crossed her DH’s mind so clearly a conversation is needed.

Exactly otherwise there would be an AIBU on here going:

"I asked my DH to clear my old phone so it could be recycled and after he did it he casually mentioned that he thought there were some photos of my late mum and dad's golden wedding anniversary saved on it but he didn't open them as it would be "snooping" so he just deleted everything without checking them. I'm really upset..."

This.

As usual, posters are applying black and white thinking, which is unrealistic and unhelpful.

Most people would be jarred by this and take some time to process. I know I would.

It’s human nature to try and block out the fact that your spouse/partner has a past (I know I do with my DH) However, I accept that he does and just try not to think about it 🤷‍♀️ Let your DH just have some time to process it and I’m sure he’ll be fine.

But how would you know what was required if it wasn't your phone, and from a time before you even knew the person?

Who even goes into a file folder? If he was truly concerned the only image ever captured of a Unicorn or whatever other increasingly dramatic example that may be given was contained within this iPhone 2 then he'd have opened the gallery or camera roll, saw a few pics, then gone "actually love theres pics on here do you want to double check them?"

Literally no one would go straight to a file folder and check there unless you were sniffing about.

I feel sorry for you but I think it is important that this is not presented as a 'normal' or typical reaction - especially for OP, who says she suffers from anxiety and so is prone to catastrophising. This level of reaction is really unhealthy and should have been addressed through therapy, not through expecting your partner to endlessly atone and reassure you (which I think, in your own description, approaches emotional abuse). It sounds like OP's partner is having a much more healthy response, that he knows she's done nothing wrong, and that they will recover from this quickly. She doesn't need to expect that this will take years to repair.

OP you can either take an understanding approach and allow DH time and space to heal.

Or you can take the defensive aggressive apporoah of other posters by shifting the focus of blame onto DH, demand he give you an apologise and tell him to get over himself.

I would take the first option and would advice that to my closest friends, relatives, anyone on online. Those advocating for the latter approach are hypocritical in expecting you to take their advice when I 100% guarantee they would not give that same advice to their close friends of family. They're attempting to appear loyal to women at any cost and to the betrayal of good advice and preservation of an otherwise strong relationship.

But how would you know what was required if it wasn't your phone, and from a time before you even knew the person?

Exactly that. The normal thing to do would be to ask the owner of the phone to go through it before it was restored to factory settings.

And once again, it wasn’t his phone, or his content. And it was from several years ago before they met. How would he know what was important or sentimental ? I don’t think this was a case of malicious snooping. I think his curiosity got the better of him and he saw something he wasn’t meant to. That’s not on OP, so he needs to get past it and stop treating her as though she’s cheated. We all have our past and we all need to use our judgement when presented with the elements of that past brought to us through technology.

I remember a similar thread from years ago. A woman went on her partners old laptop for some reason and found photos/videos of him with a previous partner.
The consensus was that he was a pervert/sexual deviant who was absolutely abhorrent for doing those sorts of things and she had no reasonable option other than to leave him.
The double standards on here never cease to amaze me.

The point is, if the phone predates the husband being in a relationship with the OP, how would he know what's important to her and what isn't? I know my DH had a friend at uni who died in their final year, but I wouldn't recognise him if I saw him on a photo on one of his old phones. He would likely choose to keep that photo if he stumbled across it again, so that would make him better placed than me to check his old phone for important memories and files.

Personally, I cba to go through tech I haven't switched on in years. If I've not missed a photo in all that time I can live without it. I'd be happy for my DH to hit factory reset without looking and he would do that if asked.

And the op would be told by most "its your own fault, he did what you asked"

I find this very weird. If he knows youve had a relationship before him what's the problem? If it were me I wouldn't have wanted to see them but if I accidentally did it wouldnt have bothered me at all. Probably an 'ugh, wish I hadnt have seen that' and then forgotten all about it.

How would her DH know what was sentimental or not? It's not his phone and it's from a time from before they were even together.

Op didn't want to look through it, she asked for the phone to be wiped and disposed of, her DH shouldn't have taken it upon himself to trawl through them looking for what he considered may be sentimental to her or not, as it is really none of his business and certainly not in his remit.

I'd actually be more understanding if it was a phone she had while they were together, but an old phone from before he knew her? He was snooping, pure and simple.

You have done nothing wrong. He also hasn't done anything terrible, assuming he doesn't have form for controlling behavior or jealousy, though that's the risk he took scrolling through someone else's phone... A heads up might have prevented this.

Just a bit of time will help I think. Don't feed the insecurity with constant reassurance. Just acknowledge that you wished he hadn't seen them and say no more.

I think i remember that thread.

If its the same one he was wanking to them and he still saw the ex. So wildly different scenario.

The other way round, I would be telling a woman to get over it too.

It’s rarely about the act. Or the people involved. It’s because it makes some people insecure about themselves, “she had bigger breasts than me/was thinner/prettier”, with men, it’s probably a sense of ownership, how dare she have been with anyone else, or possibly “his penis is bigger than mine/he’s got a better body.”

It’s purely a problem on their side, but instead of addressing that, they throw a tantrum at their partner for something quite normal they did before they met them. It’s something I have little time for in life, regardless of the gender of the person.

Why does he need to get past it in a timeframe dictated by OP? Why can't he get over it when he's good and ready? It's literally been a few days. OP doesn't own her DH feelings and doesn't get to dicate how long he can be upset, angry, sad for.

Again I think it's a testament to how much her DH cares for her as to why he's quiet. And I also think he's taken a considerate and dignified approach to dealing with the situation.

If it’s the same thread as l remember, she caught him pleasuring himself while watching them and it turned out he was cheating on the OP with the ex, so the advice was clearly appropriate.

That’s not the one I read

Why don't you just speak for yourself and stop posturing about what other people would do or say!

If my BIL found compromising photos of my sister by snooping on her old devices from years before she even knew him, and then made her feel bad (OP is already an anxious type as she has said so, her DH is well aware of how unhappy his 'off' treatment will be making her feel). then YES I would be advising her that it was none of his business and he stop punishing her for something she can't change, in fact I'd probably tell him myself if it carried on any longer.

I most certainly would not be advising her to pander to his unreasonable response to his own snooping behaviour.

No one should be punished for having a previous sexual history, if you don't want to know about it or can't handle it, then don't bloody ask!! and if you don't think you'd like what you'd find then FFS don't go trawling through peoples PRIVATE photos from a time before they even knew you!!

Why is he wiping and throwing away a phone that isn't his?

Of course 🤣

Again I think it's a testament to how much her DH cares for her as to why he's quiet. And I also think he's taken a considerate and dignified approach to dealing with the situation.

You’re entitled to your opinion of course, but my feeling is that if these images bother him enough to treat OP so differently that she seeking advice on MN, that’s a significant problem. If he cares for her then he should recognise that this was in the past and has absolutely no bearing on their relationship. He should be putting it behind him, instead of which he’s quietly punishing his pregnant wife for something that is none of his concern.

OP doesn't own her DH feelings and doesn't get to dicate how long he can be upset, angry, sad for.

If she had done something to hurt him then I would agree with you, but why should she be made to feel bad in this scenario at all?? Let alone for an unknown prolonged period of time??

SHE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG!!

This is exactly like someone asking how many sexual partners you've had, then treating you differently when they don't like the answer.. don't ask then! and don't snoop!! OP should not be held hostage to her DHs feelings because he was snooping in her old phones from before they were together and found something he didn't like!