Dh saw old images of my ex ex and I

[Kazane]

Dh and I have a plastic box filled with electronics where we store chargers, headphones, usbs etc. It’s become a bit of a dumping place for random things. There are things in there that have been knocking around for years. Dh decided it was time to organise the box. He ended up firing up an old mobile (to wipe and recycle). Unfortunately, this mobile still contained intimate images of myself and an ex. I mean really explicit. Obviously I was a complete idiot to lose track of those images. Dh said he only saw a couple and stopped as soon as he realised what he was looking at. But I guess the damage is somewhat done. I looked at the photo gallery and was absolutely horrified with what was last on there. I mean the phone is 7 years old. I was in my 20s. I would be really upset if I saw pictures of Dh and his ex.

Dh has been quite off with me for the last couple of days. I’ve apologised that he had to see that. But beyond that I really don’t know what else I can do. I’m 6 months pregnant and feel really hurt by the whole thing. Dh has said all the right words but I can tell he’s pulled away slightly. I would be hurt in his situation but I don’t think I would be treating him the way I’m being treated. Ie being distant

Please be kind. This whole thing has caused me a lot of anxiety. I have generalised anxiety and this has made my anxiety so much worse.

lt’s all there in OPs posts.

Why is he quietly punishing her? Maybe she’s expecting him to treat her differently and she’s interpreting his actions with that mindset.
Maybe he’s quiet because he feels awkward?

Literally no one would go straight to a file folder and check there unless you were sniffing about.

I think you’ve just articulated what it is that bothers me. l wouldn’t say it was malicious snooping but l think there’s been an element of curiosity. I could understand flicking through the camera roll, but this says something else.

Oh you’ve got me, you’ve exposed me and my my pro men agenda

Well done 👏

If you have even just a small amount of emotional intelligence its usually very obvious when someone is being distant and off with you. Maybe take op at face value that she knows her DH well enough to know he is being a bit of a dick as a result of his own nosiness.

As a side OP, dont be surprised if you get this thrown back at you in future if your sex life does take a bit of a hit after baby arrives.

You can wipe a phone without looking at things. If he was going to be squeamish about things, he should not have looked through it.

If you take an old phone anywhere to dispose of, you'd be mad not to wipe it first

I wouldnt say pro-men tbf. Just potentially that you've made up a thread to prove your point.

It's not that she "dared to have a sex life". It's that it was recorded for posterity. Why can't posters get their heads around this?

And it may be unreasonable of her DH, but there's one thing knowing that your partner has a previous sexual life before you and there's another thing seeing it.

And let this be a lesson - make sure you clear your old phone whenever you get a new one.

Much the same as the numerous women who 'happen' to see something they don't like on their husbands' phones but MN accepts such 'accidental' viewings as acceptable. Usual double standards.

Remember, MN is the home of double standards!

If I'm about to swipe my phone or computer. I do a check on pictures and files just in case. If my partner said it was ok reset heir old phone, I would assume they game persuasion to check it unless otherwise stated. I dont think that is snooping 🤷🏼‍♀️

You don’t need to look through the photos to do that

Disagree, as I think it’s sensible. Before I wiped a phone I’d check there are no photos and if there were I’d check with the ‘owner’ if they wanted them saved somewhere before wiping. Maybe the OP could have had photos of themselves and a grandparent at grandparents 90th birthday on it! I’d have a quick flick through to make a decision on whether to ask someone or not - a few photos of a landscape and some tulips, I’d just forge on. Family photo’s or photo’s that look like they are from a trip to Thailand or somewhere, I’d go ask what they wanted done. So, I don’t think the OP’s DH has done anything sinister.

It just reinforces it’s very foolish though to take these sort of photos no matter who with. Very different to days gone by when there was just a physical instant polaroid that would pop out (and even then it was acknowledged as a stupid thing - what happens to those Polaroids if people split up/divorce, in some cases they could be posted to 90yo granny out of spite!). No idea why people think it’s a good idea to do this, and apart from the ‘electronic and could end up anywhere’ aspect, it’s this sort of stuff that becomes problematic. Too late for OP to understand that though!

You have done nothing to apologise for.

Snoopers like eavesdroppers tend to end up upsetting themselves.

Good.

For it to be double standards:

The thread needs to exist in the first place and be the same or very similar scenario

And

The same posters need to be on both threads contradicting themselves.

I can get my head round that.

Whats wrong with doing that? So what? She recorded it before she even knew he existed and then forgot about them.

The big baby is now throwing a tantrum and punishing her for something she did before she met him. That’s mental.

@Kazane you’ve said you’d feel really upset if you saw photos of your DH and his ex so you understand why he feels as he does. You just have to give it time. When DH and I have a significant argument, it’s over for him when apologies are exchanged. But it takes me a bit longer because I feel bruised by what’s happened, even though it’s resolved. My DH now knows I’m not sulking, I’m just processing. Perhaps your husband is the same.

You’re focused on the atmosphere being upsetting for you but he is entitled to be upset by what he saw. It doesn’t matter if you apologised and it doesn’t matter that you didn’t do anything malicious, he is still completely valid to have those feelings. He just needs time and you pressuring him or guilting him into not having those feelings isn’t fair.

Give him enough time to stop picturing what he saw when he looks at you.

Exactly!
Plus, you do not dump or wipe any phone that is not yours! Without asking first, at least.

OP has herself acknowledged she would equally have been upset if the roles were reversed. She said she would have behaved differently, but people are different. We're allowed to be different and we have no right to demand our partner processes things in a manner of our choosing.

PP are laughable in their description of DH 'actions'. He's been a bit quiet and distant for a couple of days FFS, which has been described as a 'big baby tantrum', or holding the OP emotionally 'hostage' among other things.

These same posters could seemingly shrug off seeing explicit photos of their partner with a former lover but would be too brittle to handle a bit of silent treatment without kicking off 😂

He should have asked for OP's permission, it's her personal property.

No point anyone saying he shouldn't of looked as he has and that can not be changed.
Of course we all have a history and it's one thing hearing about it and one thing seeing intimate pictures of it.
Op's DH knows she isn't to blame and that she didn't do it on purpose and due to the op's own admission she doesn't use her phone for those kind of photos, so he obviously was not expecting to see them so it was obviously more of a shock.
All the op can do is let him get over the process himself and reassure him that he is the person that she wanted to marry and have a family with.

And as a side note I worked for Nokia for many years and as standard you have to wipe data off customers phones for data protection, and after you have done this the quickest was to check it's worked is to open the gallery, yes about 1 in 200 used to fall so the process would have to be repeated.

Ahh this is a difficult one, I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I were confronted with images like that. I don’t think either of you are in the wrong though. You obviously totally forgot they were on there, he was innocently checking before wiping it. I guess it will just take him time to process and move forward.

She didn't shove the pictures under his nose, he took her personal property and looked through it.