Dh saw old images of my ex ex and I

[Kazane]

Dh and I have a plastic box filled with electronics where we store chargers, headphones, usbs etc. It’s become a bit of a dumping place for random things. There are things in there that have been knocking around for years. Dh decided it was time to organise the box. He ended up firing up an old mobile (to wipe and recycle). Unfortunately, this mobile still contained intimate images of myself and an ex. I mean really explicit. Obviously I was a complete idiot to lose track of those images. Dh said he only saw a couple and stopped as soon as he realised what he was looking at. But I guess the damage is somewhat done. I looked at the photo gallery and was absolutely horrified with what was last on there. I mean the phone is 7 years old. I was in my 20s. I would be really upset if I saw pictures of Dh and his ex.

Dh has been quite off with me for the last couple of days. I’ve apologised that he had to see that. But beyond that I really don’t know what else I can do. I’m 6 months pregnant and feel really hurt by the whole thing. Dh has said all the right words but I can tell he’s pulled away slightly. I would be hurt in his situation but I don’t think I would be treating him the way I’m being treated. Ie being distant

Please be kind. This whole thing has caused me a lot of anxiety. I have generalised anxiety and this has made my anxiety so much worse.

Of course there should be no onus on anybody to disclose their sexual history to their current partner, unless it impacts their health and wellbeing.

But her H discovered part of her sexual history by coming across this explicit material from her past.
He can"'t unsee what he saw. And he can't unknow the fact his wife made these explicit images.

He is a living, thinking, feeling human being so of course.it alters his perception of who he thought his wife was.

I think it's totally unreasonable of OP to think.he should just "get over it" because it makes life easier for her. He has a right to take his time and process this information. Especially given they are expecting a child and it's a highly emotional time, he should be allowed his own time to come to terms with his new insight into his wife's personality..

Tbf though I think its good op knows. She'll understand what hes going on about if he starts with passive aggressive digs about "bet you did that with X" if they do go through a bit of a dry spell. Which he very likely will, because most men are very predictable.

So, you wouldn't be upset if you saw intimate pictures of your husband with his ex?

I'd certainly wish I could unsee them. But I wouldn't be 'upset' - I'm fully aware that he had a sex life with other people before we met and if I'd stumbled across the pictures by accident, it wouldn't be like he'd deliberately taunted me with them. I wouldn't be upset and I certainly wouldn't act any differently towards my partner over it, because he'd have done literally nothing wrong.

It is normal! She took some dirty pictures with an ex, she hasn't been running a human trafficking ring! You make it sound like taking some naughty pics is a deeply deviant act that would make you re-evaluate someone's whole moral character. If that is what you think then I regret to inform you that I think you have probably been unknowingly interacting with many, many people who you would consider to be undercover perverts...

Seems like your reply is influenced by your experience with your ex.

OP already said that they both decided to have a clear out and both decided to wipe and recycle the phone. Where do you get 'pressing need from'. The old MN tact of fictionalising events. Have you never had a clear out of old tech before?

I have never had a clear out of my husband's old devices, looked at his old computers or phones, or gone through his photographs. I believe he still has an old album from his first wedding and short-lived marriage knocking around in the attic, unless the mice have got to it. He had a life before me and is entitled to both his memories and his privacy.

Doesn't matter what you and your husband do with your stuff. The fact is that OP said he could clear out the devices – so that fact remains whether or not you find it a suspicious move. It simply isn't.

Her DH never said OP isn't entitled to her life before him, her memories or her privacy. Yet seeing images of your spouse engaged in explicit acts with another person is a negative experience, so matter how you paint it.

Some people will apologise for any male bad behaviour.

‘It's the fact she thought it appropriate to photograph their sexual activity that for me would make me reassess a person” - How would you reassess them? What does it say about a person that they once enjoyed taking photos with an ex while being intimate?

I have never had a clear out of my husband's old devices, looked at his old computers or phones, or gone through his photographs. I believe he still has an old album from his first wedding and short-lived marriage knocking around in the attic, unless the mice have got to it. He had a life before me and is entitled to both his memories and his privacy

I give all my old devices to DH as he is assigned responsibility for getting rid of e-waste. He waits until he has a big enough collection from all of us, then wipes and gets rid via council e-waste drop off. I’ve never ‘given permission’ for him to look for old photos or anything else that may be important left on them because I just assumed it was absolute common sense that someone would do this before wiping. If I realised at a point I was missing say, pictures of a child’s high school graduation, I knew I had on a previous phone and it turned out they were lost as DH didn’t check, I’d be absolutely raging and accuse him of either being bone arse lazy in not checking the phone before wiping, or utterly incompetent/lacking in basic common sense. It’s in no way snooping.

It’s irrelevant whether you understand why people take explicit pictures. If it’s not something that lights your candle, that’s absolutely fine, but your view on taking explicit photos is no more relevant to anyone else’s choices than your favourite colour or your preferred flavour of crisps.

It doesn’t mean someone is a wannabe porn star. Doing something with your own partner that turns you both on isn’t equivalent to appearing in porn. Porn stars perform for public consumption and to make money. Taking a private picture with/for one’s partner isn’t remotely akin to working in the sex industry, any more than having sex with your husband makes you a wannabe prostitute or undressing in front of your partner makes you a wannabe stripper.

He didn’t need to snoop

If I was in a relationship with someone who's done the photo thing I'd end it. Not because I'm controlling or jealous but I think it's tacky and I'd never do it. I'd be concerned they'd try to pressure me into it and it'd cause problems. I dumped someone for pressure like this. Our viewpoints were far apart.

Not if you're married though and with a new baby coming. The baby will I hope bring so much joy that this will fade away.

You sound very judgy

I'm as entitled to feel as I want as people who think taking pictures like this is fine. Or is it just that I'm not allowed to say so? Most posters are "judgy" about the OP's husband. Is that allowable? It's a forum. People have different views.

"He fired up an old phone to wipe and recycle" no he didn't - he thought he would have a good snoop. He knew that was not his phone. STOP apologising, you've done nothing wrong.

He was snooping on someone else's phone.

He didn’t need to go digging around in the albums though did he?

What bad behaviour?

I'm sure that all the women who 'accidentally' happen to see something they don't like on their partner's have also sought his permission to look at his personal property.

Hardly the same thing, OP has those pictures from a previous relationship, not an affair.

OPs husband is not a "victim" of anything he needs to "heal" from, yes his feelings are hurt but words have meaning and victims and victim blaming aren't anything relevant to this situation. He's had his feelings hurt, understandably we all get sensitive and jealous even if we know our partners had a past, if we're confronted with it. He does need to get over it though, OP hasn't done anything wrong AT ALL by having a past before him.

Couples taking pictures or videos isn't always them recording things for posterity though, they probably just found it erotic in the moment which is very normal. Some people on this thread are clutching pearls or calling it tacky as though lovers throughout history haven't drawn or captured erotic moments with eachother.

If he is sulking then I'm my money would be on some insecurity coming through..

Does your ex have a bigger....?
That would send most guys into a sulk...

Or was your ex hotter or in better shape?
Smaller sulk...

Or were you hotter?
Even smaller sulk...

Or does he have another insecurity in the bedroom... Causing this sulk.

Would bet money that it's something like that. Male brains care far more about comparisons and insecurities than they do about other more lofty concepts of love and companionship with people's past lovers.

He didn’t need to go digging around in the albums though did he?
I would have done same as the DH, not smopping and trying to catch anyone out, just making sure im not deleting some cute photos of the kids when they were little or of MIL, who died a while back.

Looking through things thats someone elses isnt necessarily an invasion of privacy. Every now and then I go through Dhs pile of letters because they start cluttering up the desk,and put to one side things that looks important, things that are definitely rubbish and chuck that out and in a pile im not sure about keep so he can decide what to do with it.
If he thinks its an invasion of privacy he has never said in 35 years!