Dh saw old images of my ex ex and I

[Kazane]

Dh and I have a plastic box filled with electronics where we store chargers, headphones, usbs etc. It’s become a bit of a dumping place for random things. There are things in there that have been knocking around for years. Dh decided it was time to organise the box. He ended up firing up an old mobile (to wipe and recycle). Unfortunately, this mobile still contained intimate images of myself and an ex. I mean really explicit. Obviously I was a complete idiot to lose track of those images. Dh said he only saw a couple and stopped as soon as he realised what he was looking at. But I guess the damage is somewhat done. I looked at the photo gallery and was absolutely horrified with what was last on there. I mean the phone is 7 years old. I was in my 20s. I would be really upset if I saw pictures of Dh and his ex.

Dh has been quite off with me for the last couple of days. I’ve apologised that he had to see that. But beyond that I really don’t know what else I can do. I’m 6 months pregnant and feel really hurt by the whole thing. Dh has said all the right words but I can tell he’s pulled away slightly. I would be hurt in his situation but I don’t think I would be treating him the way I’m being treated. Ie being distant

Please be kind. This whole thing has caused me a lot of anxiety. I have generalised anxiety and this has made my anxiety so much worse.

I haven't read the whole thread, but it does look to me rather like you're blaming him: "I don’t think I would be treating him the way I’m being treated. Ie being distant"

Wiping and recycling doesn’t mean going through it though does it. The stuff on it was seven years old. How on earth would he know whether it was important or not ? And the photos weren’t on the camera roll, they were in a file folder. It might not have been conscious snooping but it was certainly born of curiosity and he got mor than he bargained for. He has absolutely no reason to treat his pregnant wife any differently than before he saw the photos. They were before his time and don’t concern him.

Why is it part of her personality now ? It was seven years ago and she was in her twenties. Are you the same person you were seven years ago ? Have you not learned and grown as a person ? We all know why he’s pouting. It’s evidence of a past relationship and he can’t handle it. OP has chosen him, married him and is having his baby. He needs to put this behind him and get on with life now instead of punishing OP for past events that have nothing to do with him.

Exactly. This has come up again and again and no-one wants to address it. It was OP’s phone and he should have handed it to her to go through before he wiped it. I don’t think he was intentionally snooping but I do think he thought he had her implicit permission to go through it before he wiped it and curiosity played a part.

Important family photos, pets who have gone, appliance or electronics warranties, payslips and p45s, pension documents, contracts …

Just a few examples in my files folder on my phone of stuff I’d like to keep hold of long-term but don’t necessarily need in any given year.

The OP isn’t upset that DH checked the files – so why on earth are you?

Only on bonkers MN do we have a world in which you can see explicit images of your spouse with someone else and have it not negatively emotionally affect you. Pull the other one – it’s got bells on.

Unless the file folder was called something like Mucky Pictures Of Me And Bill, then he'd have to look to see if anything needed to be kept. The OP said he only saw two thumbnails so that's hardly "snooping" for goodness sake.

That’s up to you. Have whatever boundary you want. My point was - as I said - that people who enjoy taking photos to enjoy with their partner are not ‘wannabe porn stars’ as a previous post alleged. They are people who are turned on by the way they and their partner look while they’re having sex together, and find it fun/sexy to have those images, of that element of their relationship, to look at when their partner isn’t around.

Of course you’re allowed to find that notion repellent, for whatever reason. Maybe you’re not a visual person and have sex with your eyes closed or the lights off. Maybe you don’t like the way you and/or your partner look in pictures in general or feel keeping photos is egotistical. Maybe you’re culturally conditioned to think that certain sexual practices aren’t for ‘nice’ people. Maybe you’re appalled by the idea that pictures could be leaked. That’s all fine; you’re entitled to feel the way you feel.

The point is simply that while you might find something a turn-off and would be perfectly allowed to dump your partner over it, it it isn’t an indication that someone is ‘a wannabe porn star’ and it doesn’t make them a bad person or a sexual deviant as some posters seem to imagine.

I've never suggested anyone wants to be a pornstar.

What I do wonder about though is if all the women involved in sending nudes, filming etc really do it because they wholeheartedly want to, and how many do it from pressure from men of varying degrees.

Not liking this type of image is as valid as liking it.

i didn’t say you did. My post that you quoted, though, was the one in which I was arguing that point made by someone else. I also specifically said to you that it’s perfectly OK not to like taking intimate pictures.

It’s just not OK to judge or sneer at other people for doing so, or make assumptions about their worth or character for doing so.

Interesting you apparently find it hard to believe that women might happily do this of their own volition. Why is that? Is it because you can’t imagine that some women have different sexual interests to yours? Or that women are/should be intrinsically less sexually adventurous than men are? Or do you think women are more weak-willed and easily led than men are, or have poorer judgement? Personally, I think that does women a disservice.