Dh saw old images of my ex ex and I

[Kazane]

Dh and I have a plastic box filled with electronics where we store chargers, headphones, usbs etc. It’s become a bit of a dumping place for random things. There are things in there that have been knocking around for years. Dh decided it was time to organise the box. He ended up firing up an old mobile (to wipe and recycle). Unfortunately, this mobile still contained intimate images of myself and an ex. I mean really explicit. Obviously I was a complete idiot to lose track of those images. Dh said he only saw a couple and stopped as soon as he realised what he was looking at. But I guess the damage is somewhat done. I looked at the photo gallery and was absolutely horrified with what was last on there. I mean the phone is 7 years old. I was in my 20s. I would be really upset if I saw pictures of Dh and his ex.

Dh has been quite off with me for the last couple of days. I’ve apologised that he had to see that. But beyond that I really don’t know what else I can do. I’m 6 months pregnant and feel really hurt by the whole thing. Dh has said all the right words but I can tell he’s pulled away slightly. I would be hurt in his situation but I don’t think I would be treating him the way I’m being treated. Ie being distant

Please be kind. This whole thing has caused me a lot of anxiety. I have generalised anxiety and this has made my anxiety so much worse.

Not nice to see but everyone has a past, it’s not something you should apologise for. Why was he snooping through the phone? I’d be annoyed he was looking tbh. Leave him to process it and carry on as normal he shouldn’t be making you feel bad for having a sex life before you even met him.

Just give it time, I’d feel awful if I saw something that like of my partner but it wouldn’t change how I felt about them, I’d just need a bit of a grace period to be in my feelings to process them and then I could get over it. You can’t really say you wouldn’t treat him the way he’s treating you as a) you don’t know and b) everyone is different and we all have our own ways of handling feelings.

also, if it wasn’t his phone he shouldn’t have been firing them up anyway and going through the pictures on it, he clearly knew it wasn’t his so could have at least given you a heads up to check it first if it was an old phone you would have used pre-him.

just allow him some time, he’ll process it and get over it, maybe just say to him if he wants to discuss his feelings you’re there and to just let you know but otherwise carry on as normal.

Well, why did he start the phone?
It is not like this is your current phone and he has reasons to search. It is his flipping fault for being stupid enough.
OP, never ever take pictures like that, with no one. And delete those. These days the internet owns our lifes, forever!
I think he will get over his own stupidity soon enough. And it is his fault.

He charged up the phone to wipe it before getting rid of it which is the right thing to do. No blame should be attached to him for that.

He can't really get mad that you had a past sex life surely? If I came across images like that I'd probably think "ew porno" and then we might laugh it off. No one has a perfect past and you can't hold things against your partner that happened before you both even met. That's ludicrous.

Firing up an old phone to wipe and recycle is a perfectly normal thing.to do. He wasn't 'snooping' 🙄

Having said that, if I found an old phone of my partner's, I wouldn't do it for exactly this reason! He's just been a bit naive or done it without thinking.

Just give it time, I’d feel awful if I saw something that like of my partner but it wouldn’t change how I felt about them, I’d just need a bit of a grace period to be in my feelings to process them and then I could get over it. You can’t really say you wouldn’t treat him the way he’s treating you as a) you don’t know and b) everyone is different and we all have our own ways of handling feelings.

Completely agree with this.

But I doubt it'll he long before someone comes along to say it's controlling and abuse often starts in pregnancy and you should leave and he's a prick 🙄

You don’t need to look through the photos to do that.

Most people know their partner has a sexual past but we're not usually visually confronted with it. I think most who were would find that quite difficult - I mean who needs a visual image of their partner doing sex stuff with someone other than them? I think given he's saying all the right things, you just need his heart to catch up to what his mind is saying. He knows logically he has no control over your past (and nor do you) and that this was before him, but he'll be feeling a lot of feels over seeing what he's seen. Try not to pressure him to get back to 'normal' or seek too much reassure. Just give him a bit of time to sit with it all and he'll square it all up in heart too soon enough I'm sure.

You can't change what's happened, and you've apologised. In all honesty there's little else you can do. Your husband fired the phone up to wipe it, which is the usual thing to do, and before doing so checked to see if there was anything on there that may need to be kept - again, I don't think there's anything unusual in that either. His only mistake was not to tell you what he was doing, because he must have known the phone wasn't his. However, presumably the ex was a while ago, and even if he'd asked you about the phone prior to switching it on, there's no guarantee you'd have remembered the photos. I'd leave him to process the information, and hope he comes around in his own time. However, don't let this situation drag on, as upset as he may feel, you are his wife and are 6 months pregnant with his child, and he needs to remember we all had a life and that includes a sex life prior to meeting our husband/wife/partner - including him!

The images he saw were from the thumbnails in the Files folder. I guess I saved them there for some reason.

i know dh is entitled to his feelings. But he knows I feel awful. Nothing was done maliciously. He’s said all the right things but I feel emotionally distant to him right now.

Looking at photos is also a perfectly normal thing to do. The op says he saw a couple and stopped as soon as he realised what they were.

Yes but unless the OP had set the photos of her and her ex at it as her screensaver he had no need to go looking through the camera reel, did he? He knew it wasn't his phone so he didn't need to look through everything to know whether it could be wiped, that was OP's decision.

Did the phone not need a pin or something to open it?

Sorry this happened, I agree to just give him some time.

Perhaps not. But perhaps his perception of his wife wasn't that she was in the habit of taking pornographic pictures of herself.

I don't blame him for taking a bit of time to come to terms with realising he is married to someone who is actually slightly different from the woman he thought he was married to.

But it wasn’t his phone to wipe. I don’t think I would look at the images on someone else’s phone no matter how old it was - unless they were deceased. And even then I might not.

She’s different because she’s grown up.

But you can't say to someone:

"you shouldn't have been looking so it's your fault you got your feelings hurt (get over it this minute)"

Emotions don't work like that. He has done something which is presumably within normal boundaries in their relationship and now he has got some processing to do.

@Kazane I think he will need time but should come to accept that you are blameless, I am sorry you feel like this at such a sensitive time, but I think it would be a mistake to tell him to hurry up.

You haven’t done anything wrong, he should have asked before wiping your old phone. He will have to work out how to get over this.

He had no reason to look in those files. He knew it wasn't his phone. Assuming he didn't ask you first? He's breached your privacy and owes you an apology.

He was snooping. Was he a virgin when you married him? If not then I can’t see what his problem is.
Snoop and ye shall find.

He asked me absolutely ages ago if it was okay for him to wipe the phones for him to recycle. I very rarely took photos but I did with this one ex. I genuinely did not think I had anything on the phones I didn’t want dh to see so I told him to crack on.

You have nothing to apologise for (except being a little careless with your photos) and your husband has no reason to be off with you for having a life before him.
Did he think you were a virgin when you met?

He needs to get a grip.

He shouldn’t have been looking no matter how old the phone is or just because you’re married now. Serves him right. It’s your phone did he ask if you wanted it wiped? Maybe you would have liked to look at your old memories first.

Is he a bit controlling?

Perhaps she has "grown up".

But there must be a lot of questions going through her H's head about what other sexualised images exist of his wife and who is in possession of them.
For all he knows these images and similar might be still currently available for viewing on the Internet somewhere. Because presumably OP's ex had access to explicit images involving her.

no more apologising please. understand yes its not nice to see images but these are from a time when you wernt together (and might not have even known eachother). its down to him to get over this OP