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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh saw old images of my ex ex and I

284 replies

Kazane · 23/10/2025 06:49

Dh and I have a plastic box filled with electronics where we store chargers, headphones, usbs etc. It’s become a bit of a dumping place for random things. There are things in there that have been knocking around for years. Dh decided it was time to organise the box. He ended up firing up an old mobile (to wipe and recycle). Unfortunately, this mobile still contained intimate images of myself and an ex. I mean really explicit. Obviously I was a complete idiot to lose track of those images. Dh said he only saw a couple and stopped as soon as he realised what he was looking at. But I guess the damage is somewhat done. I looked at the photo gallery and was absolutely horrified with what was last on there. I mean the phone is 7 years old. I was in my 20s. I would be really upset if I saw pictures of Dh and his ex.

Dh has been quite off with me for the last couple of days. I’ve apologised that he had to see that. But beyond that I really don’t know what else I can do. I’m 6 months pregnant and feel really hurt by the whole thing. Dh has said all the right words but I can tell he’s pulled away slightly. I would be hurt in his situation but I don’t think I would be treating him the way I’m being treated. Ie being distant

Please be kind. This whole thing has caused me a lot of anxiety. I have generalised anxiety and this has made my anxiety so much worse.

OP posts:
WeeGeeBored · 23/10/2025 08:08

Pancakeorcrepe · 23/10/2025 08:06

Give him a few days to get over it, he is just dealing with his emotions which would be quite visceral. I too would be a bit schocked with the visual confrontation of a partner's previous intimate life. You have done nothing wrong, neither has he. He'll process his feelings soon enough. Try not to let the anxiety get to you and concentrate on the pregnancy and rest of your life. All will be fine.

This. The voice of reason.

gannett · 23/10/2025 08:10

SpringSummerAutumn · 23/10/2025 08:08

There is doing " daft things" and there is taking pornographic images of yourself.

And there is taking pornographic images of yourself and " losing track" of these images, as OP has said she has done.

That is not just a bit of " daftness". That has serious implications for your privacy. Goodness knows who has access to these images.

Show quote history

The OP doesn't need your ridiculous catastrophising at the moment.

Rewis · 23/10/2025 08:11

LavenderBlue19 · 23/10/2025 07:58

Oh come on. We've all done daft things when we're young - some of us are old enough to be very thankful camera phones didn't exist back then!

Just give it some time OP - imagine how you would have felt if you'd found the same of him. You haven't done anything wrong.

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Op has not indicated that she thought it was a daft thing to do in the past. It is not my thing but many couples do enjoy taking intimate pics and videos. Young and old. Some might regret them, some might not.In this case it was unfortunate that someone outside of the couple got access to them. Which is also very unfair to the ex.

whimsicallyprickly · 23/10/2025 08:11

Kazane · 23/10/2025 07:29

The images he saw were from the thumbnails in the Files folder. I guess I saved them there for some reason.

i know dh is entitled to his feelings. But he knows I feel awful. Nothing was done maliciously. He’s said all the right things but I feel emotionally distant to him right now.

Of course it was a shock for him to see intimate photos of you with another man

God knows why you didn't delete the photos - absolute fucking madness

I expect he feels shocked, insecure, mind-fucked and I dont imagine you saying sorry is going to cut it

Give him some time .....men can be very competitive.....maybe he feels 'less than' now

GirtyPlunder · 23/10/2025 08:11

You need to stop talking about it or thinking about it. It's in the past. You also need to let your DH have the space to get himself over it, without smothering him to be normal. He will return to normal.

Original poster
Kazane · 23/10/2025 08:15

whimsicallyprickly · 23/10/2025 08:11

Of course it was a shock for him to see intimate photos of you with another man

God knows why you didn't delete the photos - absolute fucking madness

I expect he feels shocked, insecure, mind-fucked and I dont imagine you saying sorry is going to cut it

Give him some time .....men can be very competitive.....maybe he feels 'less than' now

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Sorry I’ve misspoken in the OP. The images were in the files folder not photo gallery which I was more mindful of. I tended to keep my gallery more pg. I rarely use the files folder so I lost track of it. Dumb obviously but not intentionally malicious

OP posts:
Beautifulhaiku · 23/10/2025 08:15

SpringSummerAutumn · 23/10/2025 07:38

Perhaps not. But perhaps his perception of his wife wasn't that she was in the habit of taking pornographic pictures of herself.

I don't blame him for taking a bit of time to come to terms with realising he is married to someone who is actually slightly different from the woman he thought he was married to.

Edited
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I’m not sure once taking intimate photos with your partner makes you a different person. Sounds a bit shame-y to me.

Original poster
Kazane · 23/10/2025 08:15

There’s an atmosphere and it’s really upsetting 😢

OP posts:
SpringSummerAutumn · 23/10/2025 08:16

gannett · 23/10/2025 08:10

The OP doesn't need your ridiculous catastrophising at the moment.

Show quote history

Perhaps she doesn't.
But it's not ridiculous. Sharing of explicit images on the Internet is a very real thing.

And she is blaming her H for his reaction. When in fact he has cause to be shaken about seeing these images on a few levels.

Addictedtohotbaths · 23/10/2025 08:19

SpringSummerAutumn · 23/10/2025 08:16

Perhaps she doesn't.
But it's not ridiculous. Sharing of explicit images on the Internet is a very real thing.

And she is blaming her H for his reaction. When in fact he has cause to be shaken about seeing these images on a few levels.

Edited
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Then he shouldn’t have gone snooping through her folders. She said go ahead and wipe the phone, there was no need to look at anything before wiping it.

It’s his fault for snooping and it was an invasion of her privacy.

GoldenPecker · 23/10/2025 08:20

Whentomove · 23/10/2025 07:59

I have been in his position before. It may be that he is really struggling with holding these images in his head now and will need lots and lots of time for them to fade and for them not to pop up in his mind when he sees you or is intimate with you. He may also struggle if he thinks sex was somehow ‘better’ or ‘more fun’ for you with a previous partner.

its not a rational’ response but visceral and very hard to overcome. I found that the only way I could move past images like this is when my partner very clearly and lovingly reassured me of his unwavering love and fancying me and choosing me first etc etc iyswim? Even years after, these images sometimes pop into my head when we are being intimate but we have found ways to erase them again but it has required him to do a LOT of work to reassure me that I am his special one, and he knows how to bring me back when my head goes there.

If he is anything like me you need to reassure him lots and understand it may take a long time for the images to move towards the back of his mind when you are being intimate.

he is the love of my life and I know rationally I am his, but it’s very hard to move past jealousy of previous experiences and it takes time. We all have pasts.

good luck op

I can’t believe you’ve spent years punishing your dh for his past. And expecting him to do all this work to reassure you rather than you working on your jealousy and insecurity issues. I wouldn’t stay married to a person who would spend years punishing me for the audacity of having a past, and I feel sorry for your dh having to put up with this.

Original poster
Kazane · 23/10/2025 08:21

SpringSummerAutumn · 23/10/2025 08:16

Perhaps she doesn't.
But it's not ridiculous. Sharing of explicit images on the Internet is a very real thing.

And she is blaming her H for his reaction. When in fact he has cause to be shaken about seeing these images on a few levels.

Edited
Show quote history

I’m not blaming him at all. Why are you being so harsh? I’ve told you I’m extremely anxious and for some reason you are choosing to rub salt into the wounds.

OP posts:
BettysRoasties · 23/10/2025 08:22

I imagine it’s a hard imagine to unburn from his brain.

Hopefully those imagined were also not of something you haven’t done with him. Too add an extra layer of issues.

All you can do is be your normal self no point in keep apologising for your past that he found. If I’d seen a thumbnail of what looked like porn I certainly wouldn’t have then opened that file to see more. In fact I wouldn’t have even been in files. Straight to setting and factory reset.

Beautifulhaiku · 23/10/2025 08:24

tamade · 23/10/2025 07:40

But you can't say to someone:

"you shouldn't have been looking so it's your fault you got your feelings hurt (get over it this minute)"

Emotions don't work like that. He has done something which is presumably within normal boundaries in their relationship and now he has got some processing to do.

@Kazane I think he will need time but should come to accept that you are blameless, I am sorry you feel like this at such a sensitive time, but I think it would be a mistake to tell him to hurry up.

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Yes agreed, I wasn’t saying he was wrong for feeling rubbish about it once he’d seen it. I don’t think anyone has done anything ‘wrong’ really - as long as he’s not withdrawing to
punish OP for this. To be honest I’d probably attempt to have another conversation about it to try to clear the air, but it will probably just blow over as people are saying.

ADayAlwaysHasToEnd · 23/10/2025 08:28

Yeah you are just going to have to wait this one out. Do not make him feel bad for how he feels. He is saying all the right things as he knows you did nothing wrong. However doesn’t mean he probably isn’t feeling a lot of emotions. He just needs time to process though. Give him that time

Megifer · 23/10/2025 08:28

Kazane · 23/10/2025 08:15

Sorry I’ve misspoken in the OP. The images were in the files folder not photo gallery which I was more mindful of. I tended to keep my gallery more pg. I rarely use the files folder so I lost track of it. Dumb obviously but not intentionally malicious

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Who even goes in the files folder to wipe a phone?

Dont feel too bad op. He was absolutely snooping around and got what he wanted.

Wobblyarsee · 23/10/2025 08:30

I know I’m going massively against the grain here, but for fucks sake, it was before you were with him. It’s not like he uncovered some sort of affair.

He needs to grow up and get over it. It says a lot about him that he’s upset. I know some people will disagree but Christ, what you did with another boyfriend before you met him is none of his business.

Megifer · 23/10/2025 08:33

Wobblyarsee · 23/10/2025 08:30

I know I’m going massively against the grain here, but for fucks sake, it was before you were with him. It’s not like he uncovered some sort of affair.

He needs to grow up and get over it. It says a lot about him that he’s upset. I know some people will disagree but Christ, what you did with another boyfriend before you met him is none of his business.

Its as a pp alluded to, some men really dont like the idea of their partner being 'tainted' by another penis before they came along and they get quite upset when they find out she did have a sex life before them 🙄

BIossomtoes · 23/10/2025 08:35

Did he think you were a virgin when you met? There’s no rewind button so he’s just going to have to deal with his quite irrational reaction to coming face to face with your past. It’s not as if the photos were taken yesterday.

UniDaysAcoming · 23/10/2025 08:36

Megifer · 23/10/2025 08:28

Who even goes in the files folder to wipe a phone?

Dont feel too bad op. He was absolutely snooping around and got what he wanted.

Show quote history

But if you had a box of old tech wouldn't you even check they were empty?
I would and dh does too.
Imagine if you had baby's first picture from hospital there on an unused phone and just deleted them without checking. Everyone would be up in arms saying who wipes without checking first.

Given OP's updates I don't think anyone did anything wrong. Just give it a bit of time, he will get over it.

Wildgoat · 23/10/2025 08:37

Surprised at all these well he was snooping comments, most folks would have a look before wiping a phone and it was a file folder thumbnails not the actual photos, and he stopped when he realised, and I very much doubt he was snooping through some file folder, just checking the thumbnails before he deleted everything, and he certainly didn’t expect to see his wife in her own porn images,

im not sure he’s done anything wrong, he is allowed to feel uncomfortable and a bit distant for awhile, he’s said the right things, let him get over it, it just requires time, I think what he saw would make most people uncomfortable.

Twiglets1 · 23/10/2025 08:37

No reason for you to feel bad about it.

Unless you claimed to be a virgin when you met him, I don't see why he's acting so off.

Rosscameasdoody · 23/10/2025 08:38

ShenandoahRiver · 23/10/2025 07:05

He charged up the phone to wipe it before getting rid of it which is the right thing to do. No blame should be attached to him for that.

The phone was OPs and he intended to wipe it, there was zero reason to look through it first. If anything he should have handed it to OP for that. As a result, he’s seen something that happened years before they even met, which is absolutely none of his business, and now he’s treating OP as though she’s cheated on him. He needs to stop pouting and grow up. He’s about to be a father.

PreciousTatas · 23/10/2025 08:39

I think the knowledge that our spouse has a past can feel very different to actually 'seeing' it. We all have a past but an abstract idea doesn't hurt the same way.

I don't think it will help op to minimise the potential damage this has done. It is entirely possible that her DH just needs a couple of days to process and 'get over' those images. Conversely he could be the type who will never get them out of his head and now views his marriage differently.

MagpiePi · 23/10/2025 08:40

Megifer · 23/10/2025 07:48

I mean, sure he was going to wipe and recycle a phone years old to get £5 for it 🙄

What's wrong with doing that? Is it better for unused electronics to go to landfill rather than being used or recycled?