Dh saw old images of my ex ex and I

[Kazane]

Dh and I have a plastic box filled with electronics where we store chargers, headphones, usbs etc. It’s become a bit of a dumping place for random things. There are things in there that have been knocking around for years. Dh decided it was time to organise the box. He ended up firing up an old mobile (to wipe and recycle). Unfortunately, this mobile still contained intimate images of myself and an ex. I mean really explicit. Obviously I was a complete idiot to lose track of those images. Dh said he only saw a couple and stopped as soon as he realised what he was looking at. But I guess the damage is somewhat done. I looked at the photo gallery and was absolutely horrified with what was last on there. I mean the phone is 7 years old. I was in my 20s. I would be really upset if I saw pictures of Dh and his ex.

Dh has been quite off with me for the last couple of days. I’ve apologised that he had to see that. But beyond that I really don’t know what else I can do. I’m 6 months pregnant and feel really hurt by the whole thing. Dh has said all the right words but I can tell he’s pulled away slightly. I would be hurt in his situation but I don’t think I would be treating him the way I’m being treated. Ie being distant

Please be kind. This whole thing has caused me a lot of anxiety. I have generalised anxiety and this has made my anxiety so much worse.

Even if you didn't mind him wiping the phone, it's probably worth agreeing that if you find something personal of your's or his which predates your relationship, you take care of disposing of it yourself and vice versa. People are naturally curious creatures, even if it's not always in our best interests.

How long ago did this happen? You say he's been off with you for a couple of days. I can understand the initial shock, but he's heading into he needs to get a grip and stop sulking territory. He's the one you chose to get married and start a family with and that should be what he's focussing on. I'm sure he has his own sexual past and it doesn't sound like you would react this way if the roles were reversed. I'd ask him to have a heart to heart, so you can try to draw a line under the whole thing and enjoy preparing for the arrival of your baby.

"Imagine if you had the cure for cancer on the phone" etc. irrelevant here as it wasn't his phone, he'd have known this, so he should have said to op to check first.

On the one hand neither the OP or her husband have done anything wrong. However I would think slightly less of my partner if I knew they'd done this in the past for the reasons you've outlined and also because I just think it's tacky and ridiculous. I'd wonder when my partner was going to suggest I do it with them and I'd hate it.

I'd also not want to be confronted with my partners ex's bits and pieces. With a new baby on the way the OP's husband will soon have other things to think about and I'm sure things will return to normal before too long.

When I was young and had my 1st boyfriend I was in his room left alone for few hrs as he had to go out, I was bored and casually opened his drawers.. I didn't even need to dig deep . On the top were photos of his ex and him, lots of letters.
I picked one of the letters- it was already opened out of envelope and unfolded - and I almost fainted from what i read. The most explicit writing she sent him.
This was early 90s and I was like 16yrs literally innocent girl.
When he got back I told him and he said she was a bit wild and dirty girl.
He was 18 and she was the same age as him.
I felt so embarrassed that I will never be able to compare to her.
We split up few months later, he kept contacting her, seeing her..
But I yes I was shaken by what I saw.

Poor lamb !! MN has such double standards. OP’s get their arses handed to them for snooping through their partners phones even when they suspect cheating. This is exactly what DH has done. If it was OPs phone, then he should have handed it to her to go through and wipe. He knows OP did nothing wrong, so why is he pouting ?

It’s not snooping it was a file folder with thumbnails, and he was deleting everything, and stopped as soon as he realised. It’s a bit mad to think he was snooping in a file folder thumbnails lol.

Pretty poor and a clear showing of double standards from posters saying the DH needs to 'get a grip' and 'get over it', along with all the victim blaming of DH for taking a sensible approach before discarding of a device which could have sensitive information on. I wonder how many posters here would honestly 'get over it' that quickly?

DH is clearly putting on a brave front ('saying all the right words') but is understandably hurt. OP clearly feels awful and wants to be forgiven quickly but DH doesn't owe her that. He should be given the space and time to heal at his own pace.

I think you just need to give him some time op. Whilst he will know rationally it’s not anyone’s fault emotionally he is hurt.
We have all been there where we know our emotions are being unreasonable but we feel what we feel, regardless of what our head tells us.
Give him space and time and I’m sure it will all be fine. He loves you and he knows you, like everyone else has a past. He’s just been confronted by it in a way he’s finding hard to emotionally understand.

I can’t believe everyone is so casual about the fact that he was snooping through your phone. I would find that hard to forgive.

Sorry just seen he did ask op and she said fine to wipe it. Even worse then he should have just got on with it but he fancied a little snoop around instead.

Of course there is an atmosphere, if you were horrified by what you saw how do you think he feels? You say you would act differently but it's unlikely that you would.

For now those images will be in his head and although we all have a past actually being confronted with photos of your OH having sex with someone else is not the same as knowing.

Whether these photos were of acts that you and your DH do together or stuff you haven't tried there are some things that you cant unsee. You agree that this was an accident, he doesn't snoop and is a good man,

So give him time to process it.

Sharing explicit images on the internet is not the subject of the thread. It happens sometimes, unfortunately - the problem is with those who share the images, not those who are in them. It also doesn't necessarily happen. I would say the majority of people who've taken explicit photos of themselves have not had them shared online. And there is no suggestion that it's happened to the OP. So yes, you are introducing an unlikely worst case scenario into a thread simply to worsen the OP's anxiety. Not a good look.

All the snooping accusations are ridiculous. It is no different to looking through a physical file before dumping it in recycling.

The only 'wrongdoing' here is neither giving things a second thought, hence OP's DH seeing something he shouldn't have. In my house, DD does all the tech wiping and she always looks first - to ensure nothing important or sentimental is lost.

I feel sorry for them both, but @Kazane it will blow over. Very few wouldn't be shocked in your DH's shoes, however, you have done nothing wrong other than not delete them at the time

Give it some time.

You don't go into file folders to wipe a phone.

Was your DH under the impression that you were a virgin when he met you?

Obviously no one wants to see photos of their spouse with another lover, but what has it changed? You had sex with another man before you met and married him; if he honestly can’t get his head around that then that’s bizarre.

The onus is on those men to get over themselves tbh.

It's reasonable for him to feel some type of way at seeing the pictures but if I was his friend I'd be saying he needs to move on from them because there's nothing actually wrong or unusual about his wife having had previous sexual partners. The feelings are reasonable but if he actually thinks the OP is "tainted" that's a huge red flag.

In fairness to him it sounds like he does know all this hence saying the right things. In a year's time he and OP will probably be laughing about all of this.

Oh cmon, it’s not he can’t get his head round the fact she wasn’t a virgin. What an odd comment, it’s he saw images of her having sex, and clearly she’s not specifically said, but exactly what sexual acts and the look on her face etc, no one wants to bloody see that, and that’s a long way from he can’t get his head round the fact she wasn’t a virgin.

I don't think the OP's husband did anything wrong. He asked permission to charge and wipe the phones, it was granted. In that situation, I would look at the photos too, because I wouldn't want to wipe precious memories without checking - it's a kindness that he went in to look and make sure there weren't irreplaceable photos of family members that have since passed away, or whatever.

I also don't think he's behaving badly now, OP. I think YABU. He is doing his best after seeing something that in an ideal world, he would never have seen. You're expecting him to carry on as normal immediately. And if he's saying the right words, and can put them in context, he'll get there eventually, but you getting cross with him now because he isn't over it yet is a you problem, not a him problem.

It's one thing knowing your partner has had previous sexual partners, quite another to see graphic photos in the act. I would be destroyed if I saw photos of my husband having sex with another woman, even though I know full well he has, and have met some of them. It's not about imagining your partner never touched anyone before you.

I get the desire for it all to go away, but he's allowed a bit of time to lick his wounds. It sounds like he's doing his best. You just have to suck it up. I hope the atmosphere clears soon.

Where has she said she has shared them on the internet ? They weren’t even on the phones’ camera roll, they were stored in a file folder. Even uploaded to the cloud they can’t be viewed unless you give access.

It was OP herself who said she had lost track of the images. So it was she who brought up the fact she had no idea of where these images are, and therefore who has access to them.

you know him best and what he may need from you - but I would be talking to him to acknowledge his feelings and reassure him of your feelings for him.

This. The onus is on the OP to make him feel better, not the other way around.

I understand the context and the anxiety, but he's the one that needs reassurance right now.

This is what I'm struggling to understand, why not just factory reset if OP had given the ok to wipe and recycle? The phones I've had this has been in system setting not file folders/photos. If he was worried about losing important photos and it was OP's phone, why wouldn't he give it to her to check. I wouldn't assume to know what photos and files my DH would want to keep, so we just take care of that ourselves.

This is the bit that l don’t understand either. She gave him permission to wipe the phone, so why did he go through it first when there was no need ? A factory reset was all that was necessary.

Op is the victim here as she has had her privacy invaded. She certainly doesn't need his forgiveness as she has done absolutely nothing wrong.