Dh saw old images of my ex ex and I

[Kazane]

Dh and I have a plastic box filled with electronics where we store chargers, headphones, usbs etc. It’s become a bit of a dumping place for random things. There are things in there that have been knocking around for years. Dh decided it was time to organise the box. He ended up firing up an old mobile (to wipe and recycle). Unfortunately, this mobile still contained intimate images of myself and an ex. I mean really explicit. Obviously I was a complete idiot to lose track of those images. Dh said he only saw a couple and stopped as soon as he realised what he was looking at. But I guess the damage is somewhat done. I looked at the photo gallery and was absolutely horrified with what was last on there. I mean the phone is 7 years old. I was in my 20s. I would be really upset if I saw pictures of Dh and his ex.

Dh has been quite off with me for the last couple of days. I’ve apologised that he had to see that. But beyond that I really don’t know what else I can do. I’m 6 months pregnant and feel really hurt by the whole thing. Dh has said all the right words but I can tell he’s pulled away slightly. I would be hurt in his situation but I don’t think I would be treating him the way I’m being treated. Ie being distant

Please be kind. This whole thing has caused me a lot of anxiety. I have generalised anxiety and this has made my anxiety so much worse.

I'm not saying she shared them on the internet.
But she said she had lost track of the images.
Presumably her ex also had access to these images and she has no idea of what he has done with them or who he has shared them with.

Losing track of which old phone they're on is very different to having them put online, as you well know. Again: you have deliberately brought a worst case scenario that wasn't the subject of the thread in order to further distress the OP.

He wasn’t snooping, Op said why he was looking through things

OP isn't the victim, she said he could wipe it.

Don't apologise any more OP, just be normal and give him a bit of space and time to get over it. Focus on the pregnancy. If in a week he is still being distant then I would bring it up again and get him to talk about his feelings so you can reassure him.

Of course everyone has a sexual past, but not everyone takes photos of it. It depends on how the husband views that as to how he reacts. He's still got to get over it though. He doesn't need to grow up. Not liking intimate pictures is not immature. He needs to come to terms with it though and move on.

I will never understand why people take such images. It just has the potential to cause so many issues, like this. But each to their own I guess.

Just need to give him time I think. It wasn't nice for him to see images of his wife shagging an ex. I'd be distant to in his place. Nothing you can do really

Well, we know the answer to that dont we? 😬

I have a tiny amount of "ah that sucks a bit" for the DH as his own nosiness caused his feelings now, but full sympathy is reserved for the op.

In two posts you have referred to them being shared on the internet when OP has clarified in an update that she guards against this. You’re assuming she shared them with her ex and that doesn’t seem to be the case - hence them being stored in a file and not on the camera roll. She’s anxious enough without these catastrophising scenarios.

This.

It will pass op. It's one of those rare time when no one is to blame, but he's been hurt anyway.
It's not going to be the last time where one of you inadvertently gets hurt by something the other did/does/said etc

Think of it in the same way as a misunderstanding.

The way you both process this now is what matters, and that's what he's doing. You said he said all the right things do his intention right now isn't to hurt you either.

Perhaps go out for a long walknor day trip somewhere nice together on the weekend to reconnect.

Irony that you talk of double standards. Love the spin you're putting on this to make DH out to be in the wrong. A 7 year old phone that has admittedly sat in a 'dumping ground' box is checked for contents and it's classed as snooping. Lol.

That phone could have easily contained photos of a dead relative that had significant senitmental value to OP.

DH has honestly reacted the best way anyway could hope for, short of being a complete robot. He wasn't aggressive, was open and honest about his feelings and is quietly trying to heal with dignity.

I honestly would question how much a guy truly loved his partner if he simply got over this in a couple of days. He clearly loves and adores OP and will recover from this in his own time.

I would love to watch posters give the same advice on MN to people they care about in real life. No way would 'rosscameasdoody' tell her son, brother, best friend in that situation that they were snooping, and to stop pouting. Lol.

@Kazane @GreyCarpet @TheDisgustingBrothers have this nailed between them. Totally agree.

Feelings have been brought to the surface for both of you, but words help them to be processed. He's saying the right thing, because he knows it's the right thing to say. Sounds like he's doing his best to process his feelings. You're doing the right thing too, by allowing him space to be able to get his head around intimate images of his beautiful pregnant wife with another man.

Be there for each other, no judgement on either side, no one has done anything wrong, but a 21st century problem has landed in your world and ruffled a few feathers; they'll smooth over with time and patience. Don't allow your anxiety to take over.

He’s not a victim either. OP said he could go ahead and wipe it. A factory reset was all that was needed.

Op out of curiosity how far into the file folder were these thumbnails?

Im sorry you are feeling so anxious esp when pregnant.I would give your DH time to recover TBF. Hes had a shock ,and will need time to come to terms with it. Everyone has a past , but men are funny creatures sometimes. And its one thing to have a vague idea of his wifes sexual history before they met .Another completely to see graphic sexual images! I think he will come round in time .You will have babe to focus on and he will be a Daddy!

I've got old phones which i haven't wiped, and i have old photos backed up on Google which I need to clear. It's so easy to forget about it when you get a new phone(and I keep buying more Google storage 🤦‍♀️). My phone backs up every day.

As for the husband, he'll be fine. He probably didn't expect to see that sort of thing.

That's my thoughts as well. I don't blame him for being curious and having a quick look and don't think he was being deliberately malicious.

On the bright side, I always assumed I was poor with tech, but I do know how to do a factory reset without accidently viewing porn, so maybe I'm not doing too badly!

Jesus the advice gets better and better 😂He owes her an apology for breaching her privacy 😂I swear some of these posters must work for the labour party. If not totally in the wrong careers.

Omg stop making it about you. He isn't being awful. He understands as you say he has been saying the right thing. He logically knows nothing is wrong, however, emotionally he saw awful photos of the women he loves with someone else. He needs time to shake it off.

You haven't done anything wrong, neither has he. If he needs time to process and get back to normal let him.

You might want to check the photos to see if there are any you want to save rather than delete?

I think you need to be a bit more fair to him tbh. I’m sure you’re feeling vulnerable especially because you’re pregnant but he can’t know what that feels like but you can empathise with him.

If it were me I’d be mad, obviously all stemming from insecurity but I wouldn’t be speaking to you full stop so at least he’s trying to be reasonable. Just give him some time, he should come around.

Also don’t feel too guilty we all have a past and whether you’re embarrassed by it now or not it’s all part of developing and maturing so don’t be too hard on yourself.

That's really difficult for your DH. I can see why with the best will in the world he'd be having difficulty controlling his feelings which is coming across as 'off'. Because all the rationalisation in the world about you doing nothing wrong can't wipe out the visceral and involuntary reaction he will have had at seeing something he never should have seen, and can't unsee. The fact he is 'saying the right words' shows I think that he can't help himself but is making an effort. I think this is something you will need to wait out until the images fade for him. Its rotten luck for you both.

Jesus, hope you've got a back-up string of pearls, those ones are in danger of breaking.

It was only 'lost track of' in terms of a forgotten phone being in her home.

Obviously, there are risks in taking these kinds of photos, as OP knows only too well now, but taking a few intimate photos with a partner you absolutely trust is not that unusual.

It's not his to decide to 'get rid of'!!

You would do it with your OWN old phones, someone else's old phone (from before they were with you) you would give to them and ask them to see if they wanted anything saving on it before you wiped it for them!!

How would he know what photos were important and what weren't to OP before wiping? You wouldn't look through someone old photo albums and decide what to throw away or keep so this is exactly the same! Or read someone's old diaries/journals before deciding to get rid of them!!

Anyone who thinks he wasn't snooping was born yesterday!!

Er, yes, l would ! OP gave her permission for the phone to be wiped. A simple factory reset was all that was necessary. Absolutely no need to go through it first. The photos weren’t on the camera roll, they were in a file folder, and the device was from before OP and he even met. He has no reason to treat OP as though she was cheating. He is not a victim of anything except his own curiosity.