Neighbours request

[isitmytime]

This might be long so I apologise
I’ve lived in my house, end terraced, for 3 years.
neighbour was a little over friendly to begin with but much better now and we are polite and friendly but she’s no longer messaging me daily etc.

i work shifts so I’m up at 5am or coming home in the early hours. She caught me yesterday morning and asked for a quick chat and complained about noise (she’s previously said she never heard me and I’m hardly in, which is true) I don’t watch the tv at these times, I either get showered and ready for work and leave or come in get ready for bed and read a book in bed.

she’s requested the following:
no toilet flushing, shower running the tap after 11pm or use the downstairs toilet.
if I’m up early that I don’t shower in the morning or use my hair dryer.

she also moaned about me closing the car and front door, using the extractor fan when cooking, the washing machine/tumble dryer being on after 8pm and some other minor things, this is just in general not time specific.

She was most put out that I said I’m as quiet as I can be but that I won’t adhere to her request and that it’s normal living noise when in attached properties.

this morning she allowed/encouraged her 5year old to stand at my path and scream for a good 10mins while they were getting ready to leave for school. She obviously thought I was still sleeping after getting in at 2.30am but I was up and was leaving the house. The child ran in saying mum she’s just left.
AIBU to continue as normal and ignore her ridiculous request?

Wow, she’s an entitled idiot! You can’t tell
someone when they can have a shower or use their own toilet 🙈 when I lived in a mid terrace I could hear my neighbours laugh, argue, shout at their children, watch their tv. It’s part of living in a terrace. Ignore!

Wax earplugs are way better than foam - try Quies.

Yes and no. It's unreasonable of her to make such a request, as they are just normal living noises; but I understand where she's coming from if the building is badly designed/insulated - my upstairs neighbour always put his washing on after 11pm and the noise of the spin cycle and the machine literally moving on the floor above my bedroom at 2am always jolts me out of sleep. I haven't said anything to him, as I assume he works late shifts and it's the only time to do his laundry...doesn't mean I don't quietly seethe though...

also @Miyagi99

I'm currently in hospital with very shouty older ladies with dementia, ranging from just being loud, through cries of pain, to such aggressive and violent shouting that my PTSD caused by my father's aggression when I was a child is triggered.

I use Loop Dream earplugs which reduces the noise by 27dB. I can still hear my audiobook that I listen to via my sleepmask with speakers, but the shouting is very much reduced. I am woken at 6am by the nurse who has to touch me because I can't hear her calling my name. They do cost nearly £50 (and I had to replace them because the first pair was lost), but it's worth it.

Loop also make other versions for concerts and to reduce overwhelming sensory sounds that my autistic nephew wears all day.

https://www.loopearplugs.com/products/dream?gadsource=1&gadcampaignid=21841885853&gclid=CjwKCAjw3tzHBhBREiwAlMJoUsv4XauztX0GVJH5fCLjEjYQ1F3FXDaSNNXQNokiNPgrK3mMIUzRihoC7NYQAvDBwE&country=GB

Ultimately I do think she is being unreasonable with some of what she is saying. However, I do live in a house where I can hear my neighbour and therefore she can hear me. I hear her hoover, the TV and her dog barking and her door squeaking and banging at times. I have never said anything to her, because it is give and take.

If she came to me to complain about my noise, my initial reaction would be like yours. Then I would think is there a way of dealing with it in a more constructive way, because as others have said and you have experienced, it probably will get worse. You could fall out and it will be tit for tat moving forward and neighbour disputes can be so stressful.

If it were me, I might go back to her and say, "I will refrain from using the hairdryer that early" as she must be able to hear it. Not everyone uses a hairdryer and so that would have to be a good guess to say she could hear your hairdryer, although you say she probably can't hear it. I also personally am conscious about flushing my loo very late at night and throughout the night, because I think my neighbour's bedroom is not far from my bathroom, so she might hear it and i could save the flushing until the morning. I would tell her I will try to refrain from flushing, but sometimes it may be necessary to flush it. I also am mindful about using my washing machine after 9pm, because they can be noisy during the spin cycle.

Those are the things I would be happy to be more considerate about, but the other things, such as not having a shower in the morning, that would not be up for negotiation. I would also tell her that I can hear her children screaming and crying, but it would be unreasonable for me to suggest she puts a time limit on them doing that, but I will live with that, despite it being loud and annoying at times!

I also am mindful about my car door closing if I am coming back very late at night, as it can sound very loud when it is very quiet outside.
I am not suggesting we all go tiptoeing around, but I do think generally we could all be a bit more considerate about noise and if she sees you are considering what she is asking for, maybe you can come up with a solution together, rather than being at loggerheads over it for the rest of your time there.

What is her motivation for asking you? I am guessing she is putting her children to bed at that time and maybe they are having trouble sleeping, they are keeping her up or waking up grouchy and fighting and it is stressing her out. Maybe you could find out what is going on for her and come to an agreement together.
Either that or a lifetime of hell as she ramps it up!! I am not suggesting giving into her demands, but finding a compromise that can work for the both of you.
Good luck!

@Poppy61
@GeorgeClooneyshouldhavemarriedme
@Miyagi99
the earplugs are Howard leight ones they’re used by offshore workers and firearms officers on training they can be a bit tricky to put in I had to put them in for DP when we were on holiday but superb once you master them.
They’re the yellow and pink ones. I get them on Amazon for about £12 for 100 pairs. That lasts me about a year.

i agree with others that she is a dick and the biggest Cheeky fucker going. She absolutely thinks she rules the street. I have so many CF stories about her that make me laugh but these demands just pissed me off.
as expected the music went off just as her partner came back home, I assume because he’s normal and probably isn’t aware of her ridiculous request.

Don’t give her the satisfaction of any reaction. Smile and wave.

Your neighbour needs to get a life. Our previously quiet neighbour has moved his girlfriend in this spring and it is now hell. She leaves her terrier dog in all day with the windows open so even with earphones in I still hear it. They get really drunk at the weekend and she's screaming and crying and don't know what's happening but you get to the stage that I no longer care what will happen to her when my mental health is shot

"Loved the music you were playing yesterday Nutter, was having a little boogie until you turned it off when Steve came home!" That'll annoy her 😄

Your neighbour leaves their terrier dog in for over 11 hours at a time it barks constantly .We wish they had never moved here

Does she know what your job is?

I assume most shift worker jobs are key worker jobs so I think it would be fairly bitchy for her to place these arbitrary restrictions on a nurse saving lives for example. Or anyone working shifts, you need to earn a living. I think it just comes across that she looks down on you, but she would totally lose face publicly if it came out that she was bullying a key worker. If you do have a job of that kind, I’d be tempted to post about her on socials and let her get cancelled.

isn't it just! unbelievable!

@GentleJadeOPi don’t do it to be considerate although if I thought she could hear it I maybe would. the bedroom at the back of the house not adjoining to there’s as a “dressing room” once I’m showered I’m as far away from the adjoining walls as I can be without getting ready in my car!

the reason she is able to say she can hear things is she is a stalker knows my shift pattern. This week I was too lazy to wash my hair so it wasn’t used. But usually I use it one of my early days and hair gets put up the other one.

im honestly a quiet considerate neighbour, I even go as far as turning my car radio off or down when I turn into the street about 5-10 houses away because I like my tunes loud but appreciate no one wants to hear that very early or very late. I’ve done it since I moved in here.

There are some things I wouldn’t do if it didn’t interfere with my routine e.g not putting the washing machine on overnight. Other stuff like showering and using the hair dryer are non negotiable. No way I wouldn’t be showering before work or going out when wet hair. She’s being an asshole.

We had a neighbour who asked us not to use our washing machine after a certain time and we were happy to go along with that. We also never wore shoes in the flat (she was downstairs) and were mindful not to stomp about. Overall we did our best to be considerate as did she, but normal living noise was expected.

You need a lower maintenance style in this case. Do you need to blow dry your hair every morning? I couldn’t live like this .

I couldn’t live like this
How melodramatic
Doesn't sound to me like this poster is particularly inconvenienced by drying her hair in the mornings.

Don’t be ridiculous. It’s perfectly normal to wash your hair and use a hair dryer in the morning.

What?? How ridiculous.
Yes, I have fine shoulder-length hair and it needs to be dried every morning. I've had no problem "living like this" for 50 years.

Yes she does and yes I am. Not a nurse though I take my hat off to any NHS staff they have far more patience than me!

she’s just a bored stay at home mum (her words) but she also doesn’t want to work either.
there’s a Facebook page for the street and another neighbour opposite has mentioned the screaming this morning. Well they actually asked if parents going to school could “control their children” as the noise this morning was “a joke” so I’m assuming that’s what they mean because otherwise it was pretty standard noise wise.

Agree, your life is going to be made a misery I think, she's a nut job, I can hear my neighbours every move because we live in a shitty newish build, it is annoying but I know I can't control it so wear earphones, you're obviously doing nothing wrong so keep on keeping on, and steer well clear of her.

I’m up at 5am or coming home in the early hours.

I feel that if you are having showers, flushing the loo or using a hairdryer at those hours you are being unreasonable. There are countries - Switzerland comes to mind - where this would be prohibited by law.

Would it really affect your quality of life - as much as it clearly affects your neighbour's - to show a little consideration? In my view, 11 pm to 6 pm should be 'no noise', or at least 'as little as humanly possible' hours.

The only thing I wouldn't do of those things is the hairdryer early in the morning. I feel like you can probably plan to wash & dry your hair so you're not making noise. But using the toilet etc you have to do those things. And the extractor fan? Unless it's a superstrength one I can't see how on earth she can hear that.

So you think op shouldn’t shower before going to work? That’s ridiculous and gross.

I live in an apartment with a no noise rule 11pm - 7am
we are still allowed to flush the toilet, dry hair, shut the doors etc because that’s reasonable noise

blaring music, washing machine, banging about then no but you have to tolerate some noise from other people

i wouldn’t sing in the shower and have music on but I would shower

I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from innocently liking that post lol