Aibu to try and overturn my son’s permanent exclusion

[ThatRealBlueQuoter]

So this year me and my 5 children have moved from Birmingham to another town due to domestic violence got my children into school my 15 ds has been through a lot with my ex husband one of the main ones been strangled until he passed and and cracked his head open on a table this I feel is relevant to the permanent exclusion my son has received from the school.On the day my son got permanently excluded him and another lad had been messing about in class as a “joke” this boy has pulled out the chair from under my ds making him fall and bang his head my son has then got up and punched the boy four times in the face,I’m in no way dismissing this behaviour he no’s he done wrong and is very ashamed he told the teacher been hit on the head is a trigger for him he knows he shouldn’t of reacted like that,I went to a meeting after a 5 day exclusion with my son to try and plead his case the headteacher wouldn’t budge and handed me the permanent exclusion letter she basically said my ds is to much of a risk ,I found her to be very dismissive and not understanding at all is this worth appealing?the student who done this to my son received a punishment but I wasn’t allowed to be told what it is,I know he is still attending the school my son will now have to go to a behaviour centre my argument is really that shouldn’t the school at least have offered help anger management etc he only has 9 months left before he leaves it is the first time he has actually enjoyed school now the school are trying to get me to sign a letter and they are saying if I do the permanent exclusion won’t go on my sons record?Im in no way condoning what my son has done,can anyone offer advice

Thank you

The short answer is that if the school have followed procedures correctly, which it sounds like they have, no you do not have grounds for appeal. His behaviour was not acceptable and I don’t know of any school that would not permanently exclude for this.

Your DS has obviously gone through a lot already for his young years. I'm guessing the particular attack from your OH (his father?) was just one example of what he has experienced and witnessed.

I would reframe at this as the school sending him to a place (the PRU) where he will get the help that he needs that they can't provide. They have too many pupils for too few staff. They cannot manage someone who may lash out if triggered.

It is completely understandable your Son has some issues (who wouldn't). He needs help to deal with those issues, so that when he is triggered he doesn't lash out. So he can start processing what has happened to him. I would hope the PRU would have that support. Especially if you as his Mum are prepared to help and support him from home.

The support he could get there (and while still a child) will be invaluable to him as he becomes a young adult - when support may not be so "easily" obtained.

Good luck to you both!

You don’t know of many schools then.

I’m the opposite, I don’t know of many schools who would permanently exclude a child with a previously good record who had a trauma response to another child injuring him.

Yanbu OP (and its very rare I side with the parent on this sort of question)

It’s highly likely if the governors upheld it that it would be overturned at council level.

what has the school put in place for your son to help him with the inevitable anger issues he has due to his background? If the answer is nothing and you push this idea they will quiet likely back down.

Did you speak to the school about your husband's domestic violence and the impact on you and your children before you enrolled them at this school? If so, did he receive any additional support from the school?

His response was extreme and very scary and I can see why he was excluded. Could you speak to a DV charity for help and support? The school should be able to tell you what the grounds for appeal are.

You're being massively unreasonable. I feel sorry for your son but he cannot behave massively out of proportion in response to things in school. Because he's a danger to others including staff. Perhaps he's best being home schooled?

Well done to the school for prioritising and protecting the kids.

You have all been through a lot, but these is no excuse for him assaulting someone. He is incredibly lucky to not have a criminal record.

For the school to go straight to a PEX they must deem the situation very serious. They are scrutinised by a panel of governors and have to make a strong case for their decision. They don’t go down this route lightly.

I am afraid it looks, on the face of it, very unlikely that you will win any sort of appeal. Furthermore it is likely your son may access the support he needs at the PRU.

I had a bit of a similar experience when my son was younger, he wasn't quite excluded (as school didn't want it on their stats) but permanently isolated. In another school where the "pranks" and bullying were not tolerated, he felt much safer and went on to do ok. At the stage you are at, I would try and work with the PRU, he may get some much needed support. It sounds like even if the exclusion was overturned (unlikely) they will not support him if anything else happens. Unfortunately two young men have been hurt here and they both deserve a chance.

I know it feels horrible now, but I think this will be a good thing for him in the long run. If he stays in a mainstream school, with teachers who aren't equipped to handle the way he reacts to things and pupils who are likely to push all his buttons, the next time could be worse and he could end up with a criminal record.

In a PRU / specialist behaviour setting, he's more likely to have access to the resources he needs and trauma-informed teachers and practitioners who have the understanding and the experience to help him learn how to self regulate as well as academic learning. I know a few kids who've gone to a PRU and it's been the making of them.

We can't control the behaviour of others, only the way we react to it. That's something he'll learn from this transition, and you have the chance to model positivity about it to him - going to PRU isn't a punishment or something to be endured; it's a different environment that is more suited to him.

I agree.

Most schools would consider that this young man was provoked, in a physical way, and his traumatic background caused him to lash out in retaliation.

I think it's clear his actions were not malicious and not planned, unlike the child who pulled a chair out on him.

Most schools would be clear this is last chance saloon for a child but they would not PEX I don't think.

A trauma response is not an excuse for punching someone in the face 4 times, and if that IS his trauma response and he genuinely cannot help it then it is not fair to expose the other children to that risk hence a permanent exclusion and being moved to a PRU who can actually manage & support him is the right thing for all involved.

IME (18 years teaching) he will get more help quicker if hes excluded. It makes people sit up and take notice.
Good luck

I do agree with other posters though that it is extreme for a school to go straight to PEX if they're taking into account his history. You may succeed with an appeal, but I think in your shoes, I'd be pushing for the exclusion to be removed from his record but still support a move to a specialist environment with trauma informed staff.

Their right he is to much of a risk. He needs mental health help.

In my area it would be unusual given the child’s back history and the fact they are in year 11.

I teach at a PRU. We do occasionally get students in year 11. We have onsite counsellor, very small classes and students will sometimes (particularly with the grammars) return to schools to sit exams.

I would also appeal (and make sure you have a copy of previous behaviour at school, any incidents at new or old provision) Anything you have available at your disposal to ‘prove’ case. Did you inform them of situation when he joined? Does he have trusted adult that could advocate for him? Is he sitting vocational courses that couldn’t be replicated at the PRU? Did you specifically ask for counselling? Was he placed at new school (in year access) or did you find place?

At the same time get as much information about the PRU as possible. Is it local? What do they offer? How many students become NEET afterwards etc.

You aren't being unreasonable to ask. You want to do the best by your son. As many have says a PRU might be the quickest way to get him the help he needs. Get all the info you can and sell it to yourself and your son as being a good opportunity to reach various support networks

Once he is into post compulsory education, like an FE college, he can continue to access support and counselling via student services and counselling

Do you have social care involvement due to the previous DA OP?

If so, speak to them. They can help x

I'm really sorry, but a 15/16 year old punching someone 4 times is very serious. He's lucky that he didn't cause enough damage to be arrested/prosecuted.

You need to see it from the schools perspective there will be many vunerable children in that school many who are witnessing violence at home everyday they should feel safe at school and should not be witnessing this level of violence

Thank you and I don’t condone my sons behaviour one bit they knew of his background and the abuse he has suffered nothing was offered,he was just expected to get on with things ,the headteacher herself said he is polite,respectful etc and when the incident happened he complied straight away with the teachers no anger towards them etc I have got in contact with our gp for counselling and anger management .

Look at it this way: your son has een damaged by his father. Referral to a PRU will give him the opportunity to be awau y from a busy high-pressured place where he cannot control himself.

He'll have the opportunity to learn how to regulate his anger & his OTT response to being bullied - or teased (not sure which).

He's going to need to learn this for his life chances. Punching someone four times in the face is a way over the top reaction to being bullied or pranked.

Referral to a PRU and maybe some counselling or exposure to positive male role models could be the saving of him. He needs something - whatever is happening at home and school is clearly stressing him to the point where he is criminally assaulting fellow students.

Find out what services your nearest PRU offers. It will probably be far more than his ms school has.

@ThatRealBlueQuoter I’m slightly confused, did he have 5 day suspension which then became a permanent exclusion?