Aibu to try and overturn my son’s permanent exclusion

[ThatRealBlueQuoter]

So this year me and my 5 children have moved from Birmingham to another town due to domestic violence got my children into school my 15 ds has been through a lot with my ex husband one of the main ones been strangled until he passed and and cracked his head open on a table this I feel is relevant to the permanent exclusion my son has received from the school.On the day my son got permanently excluded him and another lad had been messing about in class as a “joke” this boy has pulled out the chair from under my ds making him fall and bang his head my son has then got up and punched the boy four times in the face,I’m in no way dismissing this behaviour he no’s he done wrong and is very ashamed he told the teacher been hit on the head is a trigger for him he knows he shouldn’t of reacted like that,I went to a meeting after a 5 day exclusion with my son to try and plead his case the headteacher wouldn’t budge and handed me the permanent exclusion letter she basically said my ds is to much of a risk ,I found her to be very dismissive and not understanding at all is this worth appealing?the student who done this to my son received a punishment but I wasn’t allowed to be told what it is,I know he is still attending the school my son will now have to go to a behaviour centre my argument is really that shouldn’t the school at least have offered help anger management etc he only has 9 months left before he leaves it is the first time he has actually enjoyed school now the school are trying to get me to sign a letter and they are saying if I do the permanent exclusion won’t go on my sons record?Im in no way condoning what my son has done,can anyone offer advice

I agree both were in the wrong. What I disagree with is your claim that the chair thing was a "premeditated assault". There is absolutely nothing in the OP to support this, in fact the OP just makes it sound like 2 stupid boys going too far when messing about and then the OP's son seriously overreacting.

Swinging on a chair is a bit different though. The movement causes the chair to tip backwards so the child then smacks their head on the floor. Pulling someone's chair out would typically cause them to fall on their arse. I would be more concerned about spinal damage than a head injury from that. And I don't expect a teenage boy who is messing about with his mate to be thinking about either.

Yes it’s worth appealing but be aware that a panel could only recommend the decision for reconsideration at the most. It will likely be heavy going. I’d ask if the school were aware of your son’s experiences and did they support him in any way?

I have a few thoughts:

• His needs aren't being supported. Whether he stays at the current school or moves, he needs therapy to support him moving on from the trauma he has experienced
• Don't sign anything. Having an exclusion "on the record" is a problem for the school, not for your son. They are trying to exclude without the local authority knowing, and that's not a good sign
• If you do appeal, ask what was in place to support his SEN. He definitely has SEN, as a result of part trauma, and should have had some support

Other posters are applauding the head for taking decisive action to exclude, but I'm more worried about the long-term consequences. Wherever he is at school, he needs support so that he learns to control his anger and never hurts someone like this again.

You always have a right of appeal. But it's whether you will win it. I have been on exclusion appeals and the criteria is very tight. Did we follow our policy? Did we follow county policy? Did we follow national policy? However sad the circumstances we can not diverge from that.

You might want to appeal anyway just to find peace you tried. Look at how this would delay the PRU start. Find out if the PRU will be until he finishes this phase of education for some stability. PRUs can be very good. They can also be full of scary kids and traumatic places. But you have very little control now.

It's never something that anyone wants.

it is standard that a school starts with a 5 day suspension; then moves to PEX if deemed suitable. It is meant to save snap decisions.
If he is yr 11; he is very unlikely to go to another school. A PRU will
focus on his key GCSEs and also support him emotionally and with college applications. If he is genuinely interested in education he could thrive there.
If your son can’t help hit someone repeatedly if he bangs his head, he simply can’t be safe can he. He’s shown what he’ll do and you are literally saying ‘he can’t help it he’d do it again’. In the street it would be assault.

It sounds like he has experienced a lot of trauma in his life. Possibly, not clear from your OP, for much of his life. And yes, absolutely, that will alter how he reacts. If the trauma started relatively young, his brain will be literally wired differently. But the thing is, that still doesn't make it okay. The other kid was an utter pillock, but pretty well within the bounds of what 15 year old pillocks do. And if your son had punched him once, the same would probably apply. But repeatedly punching him in the face is the sort of thing that honestly would be more commonly managed by the police than just the school. Your son desperately needs any help going to start modifying his response before he gets himself in so much more trouble, with a trauma response in public, and ends up locked up, in a spiral downwards. Which might well mean a PRU. And your other children are likely to need help too.

I am so glad that you have managed to get out, but sadly that is only the very beginning of the healing process.

I know nothing about school processes. As a layperson I would have assumed his history of abuse might be relevant and therefore permanent exclusion might not be the first step, however if:

-he’s only just moved to the school
-he has no positive history/rapport there
-he doesn’t have good grades
-he needs a lot of support

I can see why the school doesn’t want your son there, not in a horrible way to your family, but operationally the school probably feels they can’t offer the support he needs and are using the exclusion as a convenient way out. Plus if your son’s attack caused bloodshed etc to the other pupil, I can imagine staff/other pupils might not feel comfortable being around the potential level of violence. No one is going to vouch for your son there.

From what other posters have said, the school is within their rights to do this? But you can always seek legal advice or go to citizen’s advice to be sure. Sometimes you have legal cover as part of your home insurance.

I’d just add that whilst I feel sorry that your son was attacked by his dad, I do think he needs support to not lash out at others. In the grand scheme of his life, it’s not a big deal if he takes an extra year to get his GCSEs. It seems like even if he stayed in school, he’s going to struggle to get passing grades this year from what you’ve said? So overall at the moment, your priority should be getting mental health and anger management support so your son doesn’t lash out again as next time, he might end up in the criminal system. It’s a really delicate thing to navigate.

You’ve done a really amazing thing getting yourself and your children somewhere safe.

A PRU really isn’t the end of the world or a bad thing, if he does go to a PRU he will be able to access specialist support, he will also have much smaller class sizes and study fewer subjects which increases his chances of gaining his maths and english language GCSE. As he does find school a challenge has he been assessed for access arrangements? He may also benefit from them, such as rest breaks.

There are horrible people in all areas of life, if he was provoked by someone in town etc he could end up in a police cell, or hospital himself. He has at the moment almost made a safe mistake. Its something he can’t afford to happen again, so please see this as his new chance, it doesn’t need to be thought of as a failure as via a PRU it could open up some good opportunities for him. It may also be less worry for you that its going to happen again at school.

If you read the first post the OPs child and the other child were both messing about in the class as , so the OP says, “ as a joke”. Hmm. New school, barely at half term and he is messing about in class as a joke.

The OP also says this was the first problem “in this school” which makes me wonder if there were other problems in previous school/s. The new school will of course have been notified if there were, which is why I think the OP is so worried about this reputation following her son.

Sounds like a place in a PRU is the best place for him, he will have access to help and guidance from teachers well versed in dealing with the awkward squad, ie violent and out of control pupils, and it could be the making of her child.

When I was at school a girl broke her neck when a chair was pulled out

it’s not a stupid prank, it is well known to be an extremely dangerous thing to do, and is done with the malicious intent to cause harm

nor excusing OPs son, but why is everyone excusing the other boy?

Ffs his dad strangled him until he passed out and cracked his head open. What support is there for abused kids? Don't make this about @ThatRealBlueQuoter parenting. Wake up. The whole family have been abused and need help.

I personally think the school is wrong. The cause of this was the kid your DS hit. He has now learnt a very valuable lesson and frankly no one would mess with your DS. He isn't a risk, the AHs that bully people, like the lad your DS punched are the risks. I'd appeal it.

Good luck x

I don't know on what grounds you can appeal - the school will rightly say that your son presents a grave risk to other pupils and staff and they may feel that they don't have the resources or training to manage the risk and give your son the support he needs.

I have worked in a PRU and it may be that it is a better setting for your son. Staff are trained in therapeutic management of behavioural and emotional difficulties and the young people are usually taught in small groups of 6 of so. Staff will work with them to develop their own behaviour management strategies and they are able to build on their own skills and interests. I hope your son gets the help that he needs 💐

The bully? Oh you mean the other child involved in what the OPdescribes as two boys messing about “ for a joke”.

Just as well some poor innocent kid trying to get on with their learning who was unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity of two kids “messing about for a joke” and got hurt.

I think if you think this is the best school for your son then you should appeal. The worst that can happen is they say no. I would not get your sons hopes up.

Get all the policy documents and make sure they have followed procedures to the letter. Then follow the appeals procedure.

If you son isn’t in counselling he needs to be.

So you’d be happy for a kid who punched another child 4 times in the head / face to remain in your DC’s school?

We’re not currently taking about the other child’s punishment but there is quite a big difference between a stupid prank going wrong and unrestrained violence.

You know how you, rightly, left your abuser and would never want to have to see him again? Well, that’s how your son’s victim feels.

If another child punched my child four times, I wouldn’t want them going to school alongside them and I don’t think you would either. He’s lucky the police aren’t involved. I’d just try and get him his gcses.

Because one has been a stupid dick and the other is a real danger

I can see why they made that decision and don't know if they could possibly do anything but permanently exclude your son, but I do have sympathy for your son. That is truly terrible what happened to him and he is a victim in all of this as well.

I would appeal. Definitely not as simple as has anger issues.
Plus a kid in my school pulled a chair as someone was sitting down. They hit their chin on the table as they fell and bite off a chunk of their tongue. Its really dangerous thing to do .

Nope. One was a malicious dick (and continues to be so) and also has the potential to be dangerous , as demonstrated by OP’s son hitting his head.

He punched the boy FOUR times in the face.

Was your son assessed for concussion after he hit his head? There's an argument that in reacting in the immediate aftermath of a head injury he didn't really know what he was doing so bears much less responsibility for it than he would otherwise. Can't sensibly punish somebody for behaviour they're doing because of an injury.

Yes, life for your son will be easier when he learns marginally safer ways to respond to triggers but I can't imagine any jury rejecting self defence in his circumstances - it looks like he thought there was a threat to his life. Using enough force to incapacitate somebody can be reasonable when you're afraid for your life.

Four punches - I wouldn't exaggerate the significance of this. I think every fight I witnessed at school involved at least that amount of violence (admittedly when I was at school knives weren't a thing - it was punching/ kicking)

Maybe rework your thinking - the school that jumps to permanent exclusion for an otherwise well integrated Year 11 is behaving terribly and maybe isn't the right place. It is hard nowadays to get permanent exclusions overturned.

If a woman pulled her husband’s chair out as a joke and he hit his head and he punched her four times in the face, would your stance be the same?

Things have changed a lot since my school days, if punching someone who pulled your chair, out causing you to fall and hit your head, is considered an "extreme" reaction. Wh**at did the boy expect to happen?