Aibu to try and overturn my son’s permanent exclusion

[ThatRealBlueQuoter]

So this year me and my 5 children have moved from Birmingham to another town due to domestic violence got my children into school my 15 ds has been through a lot with my ex husband one of the main ones been strangled until he passed and and cracked his head open on a table this I feel is relevant to the permanent exclusion my son has received from the school.On the day my son got permanently excluded him and another lad had been messing about in class as a “joke” this boy has pulled out the chair from under my ds making him fall and bang his head my son has then got up and punched the boy four times in the face,I’m in no way dismissing this behaviour he no’s he done wrong and is very ashamed he told the teacher been hit on the head is a trigger for him he knows he shouldn’t of reacted like that,I went to a meeting after a 5 day exclusion with my son to try and plead his case the headteacher wouldn’t budge and handed me the permanent exclusion letter she basically said my ds is to much of a risk ,I found her to be very dismissive and not understanding at all is this worth appealing?the student who done this to my son received a punishment but I wasn’t allowed to be told what it is,I know he is still attending the school my son will now have to go to a behaviour centre my argument is really that shouldn’t the school at least have offered help anger management etc he only has 9 months left before he leaves it is the first time he has actually enjoyed school now the school are trying to get me to sign a letter and they are saying if I do the permanent exclusion won’t go on my sons record?Im in no way condoning what my son has done,can anyone offer advice

two words, you can’t
you can however speak to the inclusion officer who was straight on the phone to us when it sadly happened to us

I don’t think speculating that this young man will kill someone is constructive @SleeplessIntheOnyxNight. OP it sounds like you are supporting your son to do his darndest to cope with his trauma and anger. I hope that he and you find the help he needs. If you can get it now you can help him build a calmer and happier future. This lad was provoked and yes, as @SleeplessIntheOnyxNight says, school kids/young humans can be pretty stupid at times winding each other up. Pulling a chair away from someone is dangerous and the prankster could have seriously injured the op’s son. However a ‘prank’ is not viewed in the same light as punching. The OP’s DS has had an incredibly tough time and missed a lot of school. Getting some basic educational qualifications will help him to build his confidence and make positive choices. A supportive educational environment is paramount. Will the school he’s been excluded from provide this or will a special school be more supportive? Will his old school see him as a troublemaker and not support him? Can you go and talk to the school that is available for him following the exclusion and find out what it can offer? Wishing the best of luck to you Op xx

It’s not speculative in the least. Punching someone four times in the head can kill them he was just lucky that it didn’t in this instance. Many people have been killed by a single punch to the head. Next time he does it the results could be different and it is why, despite my sympathy for the situation, I wouldn’t want a child like this in mainstream school with my children, why should they also suffer or be put at risk because of someone else’s behaviour?

The process doesn't have a mechanism for 'appeal and appeal again'
Governors meeting - parent told whether PEX has been upheld or not. Outcome = child remains at Pru or school are directed to reinstate.
Right of Appeal = Independent Review Panel
This looks at was the PROCESS followed correctly. Outcome = PEX upheld (child remains at PRU) or school directed to reinstate (Child returns to original school.
There are strict timescales.
The PRU/Alternative provision will ensure that arrangements are made for exams, access to enhanced pastoral care etc.
Parent can submit an In Year Admission application for a return to a different mainstream but realistically other schools will state that he's year 11 and they will want to see a change in the behaviour that caused the PEX. Nobody wants to set the young person up to fail by making the bar too high.

Fortunately, nobody in the UK is living in conditions similar to those of the starving Palestinians in Gaza. That doesn't mean that nobody in the UK is dealing with poverty, violence, abusive relationships and injustice. Even in a court of law, mitigating circumstances are taken into consideration when sentencing after a guilty verdict.

What OP's son did was awful but he was provoked by another pupil hurting him first. That seems to have been completely swept under the carpet.

OP is trying to work out whether the processes that were followed by the school were correct and fair.

You have been through domestic violence and you want to fight your son being excluded for violence?
Make it make sense.
You now have a violent son and making excuses for him isn't going to change that is it. He's going to end up with a criminal record if you're not careful. If it was my child I would have absolutely reported to the police.
Take a deep breath, get on board with school, remove all of his privileges and get him around as many good male role models as you can.
Strongly suggest getting him into church.

The father wasn't born like that either. These things all start somewhere and my gosh it seems like the apple doesn't fall from the tree.

There will be a permanent exclusion hearing where you and your son can put across your case and appeal the exclusion. The school should always offer alternatives, with a permanent exclusion always being the last resort. School can offer an offsite direction which is a placement at a nearby school. This would give your son the chance to have a fresh start and sit his GCSEs. Have the school offered your child any emotional support after everything he has been through? He should’ve been offered counselling, a mentor or a safe space within school if he needed help for any reason. A nearby school may be able to offer more support. Good luck! You and your son deserve a chance.

This is the truth thank you 🙏

You don’t know my son so why feel the need to compare him to his father?which my son has said to me he doesn’t want to be anything like him

My ex is a Muslim Pakistani I’m white British religion destroyed my children he don’t need to attend a church and mess his head up even more please don’t comment some random rubbish when you don’t know anything about my son

If that is the case then punching someone in the face 4 times isn’t a great start.

Your son needs proper support, professional support, because abusive men aren’t born like that they become like that.

Discussions about directed off site placements, managed moves etc would take place BEFORE the governors meeting as the whole purpose is to stop the permanent exclusion process. Its not guaranteed, particularly for violence, as both schools need to be confident that they aren't simply moving the issue elsewhere. Has anyone from the school excluding your son or the local authority had any conversation with you about directed off site or managed moves? They are conversations between head teachers.
People on this thread concentrating on the OP's ex need to stop and think, that's not what the OP is asking. My ex is an extremely violent man, my ds is in his 20's now and is nothing like his father. No, my ds didn't get into problems at school, but he could have.

No, your son doesn’t have to turn out like his father. His father may or may not be a product of his environment. Some people are born with low empathy and can be violent.

Regarding the exclusion did the victim suffer an injury eg. Detached retina, facial fractures? If he did or has ongoing health problems focus on making a good relationship with the PRU.

Any appeal is about fact and culpability. Be glad help is available. And of course commenters don’t know your son. What they do know is how schools make decisions and that young men need investment in positive groups.

I would not want my child in a class with someone as violent. How could the school be more supportive in reality? They are already under funded and their purpose is mainly to educate, not council/sort behavioural issues out. PRU has much better provision/settings for children with difficulties like your son, which will in turn better protect his peers.

If my son had been punched in the head 4 times I would be reporting it to the police. Understanding only goes so far and permits so much.

Horrific situation you’ve all been in, but the best course of action is to address his behaviour now above all else because if you ‘get him out of it’, what does this teach him? He’s on a waiting list for help - he literally isn’t getting any help and so becomes a ticking time bomb when he explodes again the next time something triggers him.

Good luck OP. I do empathise but think managing his mental health and behavioural issues should be the biggest focus over appealing right now.

I work in a PRU, not all are bad 😉
You can appeal, but likely to be a lengthy process where there won't be time for him to go back. I'm not saying this would definitely be the case, but I've seen it more than once.
You could be better off going to the PRU but asking for support to access his other GCSE subjects as a lot of the PRU schools won't be able to put in for the exams it may need to come from his excluding school but work with the schools to find out 😊

It sounds like he's going through an awful lot and needs specialist education where he and others around him are kept safe. I think you'd be unwise to fight against that.

I agree and nowhere in this thread have I condoned or tried to downplay what he has done

Thankyou for your advice and staying respectful

I'm not going to sugar coat it - you've been through a lot. Your circumstances and the examples you as adults set for your son has led to his anger and the way he protects himself. He is a victim here and needs support- from that basis you owe it to him to do everything you can to help him get counselling and a school place.
But ot also seems you are struggling to cope. Good on you for getting away and starting over - it's done now so nothing you can change but why on earth would you have 5 kids with an abusive father like that - you've let yourself and your kids down for a long time. You are taking control back by leaving - now step up further and fight for them to give them all the support they never had

my other 4 children were the products of rape though I shouldn’t have to explain that to you,I’m doing my upmost best for my children now I was brainwashed for a very long time some thing that doesn’t change over night I’m not making excuses I have made a lot of mistakes but asking some one 18 years on why they had children is not helpful at all

Though I don’t have to explain self I feel like I have to I have had some very unkind comments on here,I am a British white woman who came from a broken home from the age of 12 I was groomed by a Asian gang and as a result ended up marrying this abuser who had drummed it into me that me and my culture was a load of trash I had my first son at 18 consensual the other four were the products of tape sadly but I love them with all my heart I was at a point in life where I would fully cover up and not dare look up at anyone for fear of punishment after I believed his family when they told me he was my husband had the right to swear and hit me and my children and I believed it I look back now in horror at the things I allowed happen but as my therapist said I can’t let this guilt make me bitter I can’t dwell on it what’s done is done I hope maybe this has cleared up on why I had more children with this man I why I let what happen,happen my son done wrong I don’t condone any violence but he is nothing like his father my son had a heart is remorseful and genuine even today he has received messages of this other kid saying we know where you live etc etc he keeps threatening me and my dc what he done to my ds have 1000% been downplayed,but yes my son has to take responsibility for his actions which he is willing to do I obviously will defend ds as who else will??? I hope maybe some of you can stop with the Nasty snide comments now you know abit more about my situation

You need to screen shot those messages and take them to the police and the school. That is a totally different topic to whether you can appeal the permanent exclusion and needs to be dealt with as harassment

I have screen shots of them and will be showing the school ❤️

@ThatRealBlueQuoter

My heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry for all you have been through. You are trying to do your very best for your son and I think you need to weed out the comments that are not coming from a place of kindness or empathy.

From what I gather:

1. this is the first instance (although extreme) - was medical treatment needed?
2. your son was provoked? Violence has never been directed towards anyone else?
3. you say the other boy involved was son of an MP, but has faced no further sanctions and is continuing to harass your son? I’d argue possible discrimination here (if roles were reversed would the other boy be facing exclusion)? I’d take evidence of continued harassment along to the meeting and highlight that your son is not engaging with this. Subconscious bias - class/race is very much present in our society. If you are willing to share your background in the meeting - I think it’s important that the school are aware of your circumstances.
4. Scrutinise the schools behaviour policy. I bet this happened in a class with one of the school’s weaker teachers.
5. The steps you will take to ensure it doesn’t happen again. What your son would like to do for the future and the qualifications he would like to achieve. Perhaps something written by your son?

It concerns me that you’ll go into this meeting where it’s just you v the school/governors. I think you need an advocate and I’d investigate this. I know some Legal Aid education solicitors (if they take new cases) if you want to PM me?