Aibu to try and overturn my son’s permanent exclusion

[ThatRealBlueQuoter]

So this year me and my 5 children have moved from Birmingham to another town due to domestic violence got my children into school my 15 ds has been through a lot with my ex husband one of the main ones been strangled until he passed and and cracked his head open on a table this I feel is relevant to the permanent exclusion my son has received from the school.On the day my son got permanently excluded him and another lad had been messing about in class as a “joke” this boy has pulled out the chair from under my ds making him fall and bang his head my son has then got up and punched the boy four times in the face,I’m in no way dismissing this behaviour he no’s he done wrong and is very ashamed he told the teacher been hit on the head is a trigger for him he knows he shouldn’t of reacted like that,I went to a meeting after a 5 day exclusion with my son to try and plead his case the headteacher wouldn’t budge and handed me the permanent exclusion letter she basically said my ds is to much of a risk ,I found her to be very dismissive and not understanding at all is this worth appealing?the student who done this to my son received a punishment but I wasn’t allowed to be told what it is,I know he is still attending the school my son will now have to go to a behaviour centre my argument is really that shouldn’t the school at least have offered help anger management etc he only has 9 months left before he leaves it is the first time he has actually enjoyed school now the school are trying to get me to sign a letter and they are saying if I do the permanent exclusion won’t go on my sons record?Im in no way condoning what my son has done,can anyone offer advice

Similar. It might be better for him to have some kind of special educational provision for a whole and maybe get some therapy for the anger issues.

Probably nothing like when his dad was strangling him until he passed out and smashing his head off tables !

The exclusion is the right outcome because your son is out of control and a danger to others. He needs to understand this and learn to control himself. Stop making excuses for him.
Were the school to do otherwise it would be open to legal action and so would your boy.
The PRU will facilitate GCSE study. He needs to focus and take what support is on offer including anger management and making solid career plans.
If he refuses the chance he is being offered l wouldn’t hold out much hope for him. If he does have the sense to focus and accept responsibility for his violence he can prosper. He is lucky not to be facing criminal charges. Yes, he’s had a difficult time but he’s hardly starving in the ruins of Gaza and he has you, a person who truly loves him. I have taught many young men like him who have gone on to be successful despite, or maybe because of, the bumpy start. Make sure you both get all the help you are entitled to.

You haven’t a clue what my son has been through with all due respect stuff that would make any person sick to there stomach so please don’t downplay what he has been through

I really feel for your son, but punching someone in the face 4 times is such a massive risk. At 15 he is likely to be punching like a man and could have seriously injured the other pupil. I understand pulling a chair out from someone could injure them too (particularly from a headbang) but it has a very differdnt motivation and risk profile.

I'd say, personally, challenge it but potentially your son could be a lot more settled at the PRU - the class sizes are very small, the timetables more therapeutic. It's easy to see PRUs as an awful thing but they are the making of some children.

his father was never remorseful he never put his hands up and admitted he had done wrong never asked for help which my son has done he is nothing like that sorry excuse of a man

Yes that’s the way I’m thinking too.

Also, I may be a bit biased because of experiences with my son when he was about 8, but my blood boils at the sort of casually dangerous shit that the chair puller did. I can’t stand that sort of thing, something casual enough they can say I didn’t mean any harm bla bla, but actually really dangerous. My son had a ‘friend’ like that and he ended up getting seriously injured. Schools should come down hard on that as well, although I accept it doesn’t excuse the DS’s behaviour.

Thank you and yes his actions were very extreme and I will not downplay especially to ds he is actually going to start a PRU and they seem very nice and on the ball so hopefully he will get the support he needs but I will be challenging it

Many schools draw the line at violence and it can be an immediate PX if the act was violent enough. I’m not blaming your son for his reaction, but he would be too much of a risk if he returned to mainstream. In a PRU he’ll get the support he needs before he finishes Y11. Good luck. x

Thank you ☺️

I just want to thank the people who have given good information to me,who have been honest with me but who have done it in a kind and courteous manner I appreciate your time thank you

Are you one of the many families who’ve been moved from Birmingham to a nearby small city beginning with L?

If so, or actually even if not, you really can’t expect the rest of Year 10/11 to accept DS back & live in fear. However, we have a very good temporary provision who will work with him (and yourself) to get him ready to rejoin another local school.

I feel very sorry for everyone concerned. My own DD is this age, would I want her witnessing this behaviour - no. But also, your DS needs help as he’s had an awful start to life & is still just a child.

FOUR times?? Your son is unsafe regardless of his background experiences which sound very difficult for you all. The other children will not be safe around your son.

The behaviour unit he is being sent to is not necessarily permanent. I used to work in one. He could get extra help there for the trauma he experienced and the subsequent anger issues. Your GP could also make a referral to CAMHS for him to get counseling. The pupil teacher ratio in the unit will be better and they will have more time to help your son. It's often 6 months to a year spent in the unit with discussion about your son's issues and his future. He could get what's called a managed move to another mainstream school. There are sympathetic head teachers out there that would look at his case and give him a second chance once he's got over his difficulties. Don't see the behaviour unit as necessarily a bad thing, he'll be able to access help there that is not available in mainstream and then transition back to mainstream. However, there will be opportunities to do GCSE in the unit, or go to college early, as there are schemes available there that are not available in mainstream.

He’s violent and a danger to others…. Of course he should be permanently excluded. He needs help to understand and regulate his behaviour which I’m sure is a consequence of the violence he has experienced

So the bully wasn't badly hurt? And has been punished less severely. And is continuing to bully your son. Sounds like a terrible school to me. Presumably if he goes back he'll just get bullied again.

Firstly, you have done well to find the strength to remove you and your children from the DV situation.

Contact your citizens advice bureau for help as they can advise on this.

Get a copy of the schools appeal process and read it.

Take your son to the GP for a referral as he needs professional support and schools are not responsible for providing anger management therapy.

Your son is not safe to be in a mainstream school setting if he’s triggered to the point of violence by x,y and z.

If you do appeal. I'd get him to do a video apology where he takes accountability or a heartfelt letter in apology to the boy.
I'd also get him to write an impact statement of his history and trigger and why he acted disproportionately but what he's doing to work on those triggers and how important completely his education is, that he has had to move at a key time due to DV, and that has already been a disruption to his education and really pleas his case..
Additionally I'd get his physiologist/therapist/trauma counsellor to write a statement about him, his triggers and how they can be mitigated, and any other letter from a social worker or your domestic abuse support worker too. He's on a waiting list someone must have deemed it appropriate to get him support, are there any support the LA can put in place now?

Good luck. I hope your son gets the help he needs. This may be a lifelong recovery but he can recover from this, it'll just time time and doing the work.

I'm sorry this happened to you and well done for leaving, it's brave of you and all of you to try and rebuild after what you've all been through.

Thankyou for your reply he actually already wrote able without my knowledge and asked me to hand the letter into school which honestly made me happy because to me I know he is genuinely remorseful and understands how extreme his actions was I feel positive we will all recover from this

Schools are so much more lenient than life. If this happened outside of school he could be looking at a custodial sentence.
Don't speak it, accept it and get the help you all need.
There is NEVER an excuse for violence.

I am sorry for your circumstances but if it had been my son that had been attacked, because let’s face it, it was an attack, then I would have pushed hard for criminal charges and wouldn’t care one single bit about your sons circumstances. The head knows that this won’t be the last thing he does and thankfully has taken decisive action.

Your son deserves help and there are places far better set up for this than a mainstream highschool where other children will 100% wind him up because that is what children do and nothing will stop it. He might seriously hurt or kill the next one and it will be far serious consequences than an exclusion.

Appeal and then appeal again. Ask LEA for help doing this

To be honest, I think the school have done the right thing. If your son was hit by someone 4 times I expect you would agree with that child being excluded.Violence in schools needs dealing with.

I can’t offer help regarding the school situation but I do want to congratulate you for getting you & your son away from a domestic abuse situation. You are both having a tough time at the moment this must be so hard for you both but I wish you all the best and hope you appreciate things will get easier in time. You have done a fantastic thing!