DHs past sex life making me feel disgusted.

[elefanty]

I’m really struggling with my DHs ex-“love life”. I’m someone who has always thought of themselves as being “sex positive”, I think sex is fine and people should do what they want to do.

I’ve been more “traditional”/boring in my own life. I’ve only ever had sex with people I’ve been in long term relationships with. One night stands do not appeal to me at all.

When I met DH, he had been single for a year following a long term relationship. We married after 3 years. He had a little girl from a previous relationship (who’s now 10).

Over the last few years I’ve learnt more and more about him and I feel guilty about how grossed out I am about his past.

1. His little girl was conceived during a hookup with a woman he knew wanted a relationship with him, but he felt she “wasn’t girlfriend material”. He slept with her once when she was going through a breakup( had known her since a teen) and she got pregnant. I think that’s him massively taking advantage of her to be honest. He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut.

1. He’s told me over the years we’ve been married that he had “sugar mamas” when he was in his early to mid 20s, where he’d sleep with 40/50 year old women and “act as a stepdad to their kids” so he could have somewhere to live/pay for his hobbies. I find that disgusting to be honest. He said that they were “gross” but “sex was sex” and he was “depressed”.

1. Early on in our marriage we were at a cafe and a woman in her pjs walked in (full of lip filler, tan, overweight - the opposite to me) and said “hiya babe you okay?”. DH denied knowing her but it was obvious that he did know her. I think from seeing his “type” before (his child’s mum) I assumed he’d slept with her at some point.

1. He slept with his female friend who was a lesbian. He only “felt attracted to her because she was a lesbian”. He said it was an awkward encounter but I just feel again - taking advantage? I don’t know, it just feels strange.

1. He said that his friends joked with him “rather than spending all money on dates, just go to a hooker and you’re guaranteed sex”. He said this depressed him because he realised he was paying for sex with the girls on dating apps.

I’m just so disappointed in myself to think like this and to be judgemental but I can’t stop thinking about it all. Obviously it’s all in his past, but I think it just says a lot about him?

With me, he wasn’t like this at all. He dated me for 3 months before we had sex. He was a gentleman, and has continued to be throughout our marriage. In considering individual counselling because I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s not jealousy, it’s disgust. Sometimes I don’t even want him to touch me or be near me. Aibu?

Yuk talking about mother of his child like that I would have to leave him tbh you can do better op !

His poor daughter

Agree that the worrying thing is him telling you. Is there something from his past about to come out?
It's like when celebrities go on damage control pre something explosive hitting the red tops.

Also OP, are you calling him out of his behaviour/words?

If my DH used one of those terms, it would be the first and last time as he'd know where I stand.

There's healthy conversation on past sex lives, which is usually early on, so again, I'd be worried why he's suddenly bringing all this up.

He's revolting OP. Nothing to do with sex, the way he talks about women is awful. Why would you want to be with someone like that? Even if he's treating you nicely now, you know how he talks about women behind their back. Grim

EDIT to say I'm sure he's nice to these women's faces too

Ew all of that is absolutely gross, I couldn't recover from that ick and would not be having sex with him ever.

It’s not about being judgey. It’s about having standards. He’s horrible. I’d have the massive ick and I’d have to LTB. Ugh. Awful man.

I'll be honest I got the massive ick when my ex told me he'd paid a massage worker for a 'happy ending' - I couldn't see him the same after that and ended the relationship.

The behaviour you're describing doesn't align with the definition of sex positivity. Sex positive men will treat women as equals, with respect, form positive connections and seek to enhance their experience as well as their own. They will approach sex with curiosity, joy, integrity and passion. None of the behaviours you describe speak to that. Using people for money, or using them with money, does not speak to that.

You've married a misogynist.

Why do you think he's telling you all this now?

It's hardly gonna make you love him more, is it?!

Seems pointless and risky, especially as he knows your stance on one night stands etc.

I'm a man, but I also find it very strange that he would share this with you. There's an alarming number of men (though I'd say it's a declining minority) who will talk like this about women, especially when they have had a few drinks, but I've always assumed they wouldn't talk like that at home as their relationships wouldn't survive. Have you asked him why he has these attitudes towards women?

Completely this!

I'd rather date someone who'd slept with dozens of women but had respect for them, and women in general, than this creep who uses women and apparently despises them.

He's revolting. How's he going to talk about you when you inevitably (I hope) dump his creepy arse.

"Yes. It’s that exactly. His looking down on other women and then acting like a gentleman, or traditional in his views. It feels like an act"

My guess would be that he's an out-and-out misogynist, with the whole whore-madonna thing going on. Consider this from https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2018-04940-001 psycnet.apa.org/record/2018-04940-001]]]]
"The Madonna-Whore Dichotomy (MWD) denotes polarized perceptions of women in general as either “good,” chaste, and pure Madonnas or as “bad,” promiscuous, and seductive whores. Whereas prior theories focused on unresolved sexual complexes or evolved psychological tendencies, feminist theory suggests the MWD stems from a desire to reinforce patriarchy."

So he slept around with the 'bad' girls and married the 'good girl'. But whether he views a woman as a Madonna or a whore, he doesn't regard any woman as a person, a human, his female equal. We are all just things, labelled 'bad' and therefore to be mistreated/debased or 'good' and to be well-treated.

"I also don’t understand why he needed to tell me."
Neither do I. I wonder. You're in the 'good' box. Does he think that you should look down on all those 'bad' women, to reinforce you as deserving of your 'good' status? If you showed any fellow-feeling towards these women, would he regard you as ripe for similar mistreatment? In short - was it a test? Can he actually resist mistreating ALL women, since - he's a misogynist. Women don't matter to him, except as a resource to be used and discarded. Even the Madonnas.

I'm thinking aloud here, because I can't fathom that behaviour.

Exactly, I couldn't be doing with that. What a low grade streak of piss.

It's his contempt for women that is turning you off, not how much sex he's had.

Exploitative sex where one person is contemptuous of the other is disgusting - whether it happens lots of times or just once.

How is he a gentleman? How is he anything other than a disgusting misogynist? Why did you marry him?

You either love him or you don't. MN's opinion isn't relevant. Personally, I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole, but surely this is a good thing for you?

I mean, you make him sound like a rapist. Presumably he had consent, from the lesbian too?
Don’t get me wrong though, he does sound awful.

I’m willing to allow a certain amount of room for growth. Male culture is toxic to a greater or lesser degree, and it would be commendable if he had outgrown earlier influences. But it doesn’t really sound like he has. Instead he’s found the timeless solution of misogynistic men through the ages: the Madonna/Whore dichotomy.

But what concerns me most in this is you @9ctwood because I think you’re really struggling to see clearly past your own conditioning. What sort of relationship modelling did you grow up with? And what influences have shaped your thinking?

Disgust isn’t a thought - it’s a physical reaction. Often our bodies know what’s what, even when our brains cannot think clearly. You’re trying to justify something, but it’s clashing with an identity structure of yourself as sex positive and open minded. When identity is challenged like this, it’s not uncommon to feel confused and try to rethink and rearrange the facts (the psychological term is cognitive dissonance).

I want to step sideways for a moment. It’s really common for women with abusive partners to say that he treats her like a princess/queen. It sounds like a good thing but it’s nearly always a red flag. In a healthy relationship there isn’t such a swing to the extremes. They tend to be a boring by comparison.

And coming back to your description of the gentleman - it strikes me as a swing to an extreme. It would also make me wonder if he was celibate for those three months. Have you ever had a sexual health check?

Some therapy to talk this out wouldn’t be a bad idea op because there’s a lot more at play for you, than just his behaviour and taking time to unpick the patterns would be wise.

But I just want to reiterate that what you’re feeling isn’t at all unreasonable. I always advise listening carefully to what your body tells you, especially when it’s uncomfortable.

Really, I do wish women would stop proclaiming themselves 'sex positive' - stop being so fucking accommodating!! Being 'sex positive' seems to basically be proclaiming yourself open to pretty much everything, no discrimination. It might once have meant, let's have a healthy attitude towards sex, let's allow everyone to embrace what they want, be open to other's orientations etc - but there's little healthy about saying 'I feel like I ought to be happy about everything my parter's done and to say otherwise is repressive and bad and I should feel guilty about it'.

Raise your bar, OP. He's a sleaze bag. He thinks of other women he's had sex with in those ways and he's not shy to tell you. How do you think he thinks about you? If your relationship came to an end, how would he relate that to the next woman who comes along?

Honestly I would get rid. And for heaven's sake, have some self-respect. You do NOT have to respect whatever some git does with his cock in the name of 'sex positivity'!

The fact that he uses such language to describe the mother of his child tells me everything I need to know.

He doesn’t have to like her, but to use such derogatory language towards the woman who’s presumably the resident parent of his daughter is fucking gross 🤨
I don’t like my exH. I struggle to see how I was ever attracted to him in any way…..but he’s the father of my children. How I feel about him personally is best kept in the vault, because he’s going to be a part of my life forever.

Theres a big difference between a person being sexually adventurous and engaging in risky sexual behaviour in their youth, and a person simply being a misogynistic pig. I fear your husband appears to be the latter 🫠

I fear you are about to discover that most men with traditional views subscribe to this virgin/whore concept of women. You got the “good side” because in his view you’re “wife material” but he’s the same man who had a one night stand with a woman she now calls a slag who he thought wasn’t “girlfriend material”.

He’s horrible. But the warning signs were there from the start.

Don’t get this. Did you know this before you married him? I can’t blame you for going off him, he sounds awful. Slept with women to have somewhere to live/play his hobby? Archetypal cocklodger!

@elefanty He’s told me over the years we’ve been married that he had “sugar mamas” when he was in his early to mid 20s, where he’d sleep with 40/50 year old women and “act as a stepdad to their kids” so he could have somewhere to live/pay for his hobbies. I find that disgusting to be honest. He said that they were “gross” but “sex was sex” and he was “depressed”

This is genius. I wonder how he managed to do this.

Yeah this isn't about his sex life, it's that he completely objectifies women and reduces their value to sex and doesn't seem to view them as people with feelings, just happy to use whoever he can to get sex/free rent. Gross.