DHs past sex life making me feel disgusted.

[elefanty]

I’m really struggling with my DHs ex-“love life”. I’m someone who has always thought of themselves as being “sex positive”, I think sex is fine and people should do what they want to do.

I’ve been more “traditional”/boring in my own life. I’ve only ever had sex with people I’ve been in long term relationships with. One night stands do not appeal to me at all.

When I met DH, he had been single for a year following a long term relationship. We married after 3 years. He had a little girl from a previous relationship (who’s now 10).

Over the last few years I’ve learnt more and more about him and I feel guilty about how grossed out I am about his past.

1. His little girl was conceived during a hookup with a woman he knew wanted a relationship with him, but he felt she “wasn’t girlfriend material”. He slept with her once when she was going through a breakup( had known her since a teen) and she got pregnant. I think that’s him massively taking advantage of her to be honest. He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut.

1. He’s told me over the years we’ve been married that he had “sugar mamas” when he was in his early to mid 20s, where he’d sleep with 40/50 year old women and “act as a stepdad to their kids” so he could have somewhere to live/pay for his hobbies. I find that disgusting to be honest. He said that they were “gross” but “sex was sex” and he was “depressed”.

1. Early on in our marriage we were at a cafe and a woman in her pjs walked in (full of lip filler, tan, overweight - the opposite to me) and said “hiya babe you okay?”. DH denied knowing her but it was obvious that he did know her. I think from seeing his “type” before (his child’s mum) I assumed he’d slept with her at some point.

1. He slept with his female friend who was a lesbian. He only “felt attracted to her because she was a lesbian”. He said it was an awkward encounter but I just feel again - taking advantage? I don’t know, it just feels strange.

1. He said that his friends joked with him “rather than spending all money on dates, just go to a hooker and you’re guaranteed sex”. He said this depressed him because he realised he was paying for sex with the girls on dating apps.

I’m just so disappointed in myself to think like this and to be judgemental but I can’t stop thinking about it all. Obviously it’s all in his past, but I think it just says a lot about him?

With me, he wasn’t like this at all. He dated me for 3 months before we had sex. He was a gentleman, and has continued to be throughout our marriage. In considering individual counselling because I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s not jealousy, it’s disgust. Sometimes I don’t even want him to touch me or be near me. Aibu?

Being sex positive (to me) means you think sex is something that should be enjoyed by both parties without shame etc. I think that's a completely different kettle of fish to what you're describing your partner as doing, which is -

• talking in misogynistic ways about women (eg calling someone a slut is not sex positive, calling someone he has slept with 'gross' because theyre older is not sex positive)
• manipulating people into sleeping with him and not caring who gets hurt, including children (acting as a step father figure when you have no intention of staying is horrible).

I don't think you need therapy for finding this horrible, because it is horrible behaviour.

Are you the poster who's partner discussed your sex life and things you will / won't do with one of your friends?

Quite. So it was okay for him to sleep with her, but she was somehow in the wrong sleeping with her. He's the one who took advantage by the sound of things so deserves the judgement.

It also sounds like he has a bit of a 'Madonna/ where complex' where men like to think of women as either 'pure' good girls who are marriage material, or sluts who will shag anything, and that there is no in between e.g. they don't think they should marry a girl who loves sex as much as they do, because that's what men and sluts think like, not women, who shouldn't actually enjoy sex.

She’s just saying she looked the opposite of her

This. It’s less about the sex and more he how he talks about women. Saying 40/50 yr olds are gross!

He sounds absolutely repulsive. Please, ditch him.

Agree! This is an awful way to talk about any woman, let alone the mother of your child: '...calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut.'

He is gross and the kind of creature many would find disgusting, so your feelings sound correct.

He speaks terribly about women, has no respect for himself (no-one with self-respect shows themselves up like he has), lacks sexual discipline and is an all-round vile personality.

It's a pity he didn't show you this side of him before you married him ☹️.

a woman in her pjs walked in (full of lip filler, tan, overweight - the opposite to me)

alright then if your such the natural skinny beauty your claiming there no need to be so insecure and go around putting these other women down now is there?

Nah, it was a clearly judgy put down.

Could basically be a full bingo for someone going after put downs of women.

I would find him extremely unpalatable as well. But I’m guessing he was badmouthing the mother of his child quite earlyish in your relationship? Or did he swivel round at the alter and be like ‘surprise! You’ve just married a grim misogynist!’?

Interesting observation. Because insecurity is like a magnet for these men. He will have played to OPs ego, flattering her that she is so much better than these other women, and that can be nice to hear for women who have low self esteem.

I sympathise OP.
I’m not a fan of shag fests and free love, I wouldn’t fancy bring with someone so loose.

Sex positivity is all about respectful, consensual, reciprocal pleasure, without judgement and shame - the very opposite of your disgusting husband’s approach! I couldn’t be with someone who treated and talked about women in any one of the ways you’ve mentioned on that list.

I would be disappointed in myself too if I were you - but in the lack of judgment that led me to end up in a relationship with a misogynist pig. His conduct has nothing to do with sex positivity, as others have also said.

If you are in therapy - perhaps try to get an insight into why you ended with this man, and why you are still in it. He does not respect men. Why do you think you might be any different? Do you not think you deserve to be in a relationship with a man who respects women and you?

This isn't about sex and he is certainly not a gentleman. I think what your actually grossed out about is his complete lack of respect for women but maybe your struggling to call it that as you see him as a 'gentleman'.
Calling the mother of his child a slut and a tramp is vile. I couldn't be with a man like that. Using women and becoming step dad to their kids for somewhere to stay is also vile. He is a disgusting pig.

It's not his past sex life that you're disgusted with it's the fact that he's a raging misogynist and how he speaks and thinks about women.

This. His attitude to women is utterly disgusting. Its not his past as he does not appear to show any remorse for his disgusting attitude to women.

He has treated you differently as he put you in the 'marriage' bracket ( a good girl) rather than the 'easy lay' bracket he put other women in. But his attitude to women has not changed.

Sorry OP. I would have fallen out of love with him too. He's horrible.

Was just looking through so see whether anyone had pointed this out. Exactly this. Neither the Madonna (you, currently) or the whore (all the others as far as he's concerned) are real people to him.

🤮 He’s vile.

What is he saying about you behind your back? What will he say about you if you leave? And also, I bet he’s still trying it on with other women.

He hates women and sees them as pieces of meat not human beings. I couldn't stand to listen to his horrible comments and would wonder what he said about me when I wasn't around.

I'm quite old now , and had slept with one person before meeting my dh .
Whilst I know about his more serious relationships ( so therefore a few numbers ) I don't know his " true " numbers .
Is it my business ? It was before me and can't be changed .

Edited to add we've been together 25+ years .

I struggle to believe this as he’s so obviously horrific you’d need to be really dumb to fall for it

Do you have to do the 'women's jobs' in the relationship. Only because you said he was a 'traditionalist' makes me think cave man tbh. He is not someone that likes women as other posters have said. I would be running away. Who is to say that he won't go wandering off when he wants fun with someone else he can look down on.

Yes,that's what would bother me too,his attitude not his sex life.

He took advantage of his DD’s mother and now verbally abuses her?? Wow. I feel sorry for that child.

he sounds misogynistic and incredibly unpleasant. I hope you don’t have children - especially not daughters…