DHs past sex life making me feel disgusted.

[elefanty]

I’m really struggling with my DHs ex-“love life”. I’m someone who has always thought of themselves as being “sex positive”, I think sex is fine and people should do what they want to do.

I’ve been more “traditional”/boring in my own life. I’ve only ever had sex with people I’ve been in long term relationships with. One night stands do not appeal to me at all.

When I met DH, he had been single for a year following a long term relationship. We married after 3 years. He had a little girl from a previous relationship (who’s now 10).

Over the last few years I’ve learnt more and more about him and I feel guilty about how grossed out I am about his past.

1. His little girl was conceived during a hookup with a woman he knew wanted a relationship with him, but he felt she “wasn’t girlfriend material”. He slept with her once when she was going through a breakup( had known her since a teen) and she got pregnant. I think that’s him massively taking advantage of her to be honest. He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut.

1. He’s told me over the years we’ve been married that he had “sugar mamas” when he was in his early to mid 20s, where he’d sleep with 40/50 year old women and “act as a stepdad to their kids” so he could have somewhere to live/pay for his hobbies. I find that disgusting to be honest. He said that they were “gross” but “sex was sex” and he was “depressed”.

1. Early on in our marriage we were at a cafe and a woman in her pjs walked in (full of lip filler, tan, overweight - the opposite to me) and said “hiya babe you okay?”. DH denied knowing her but it was obvious that he did know her. I think from seeing his “type” before (his child’s mum) I assumed he’d slept with her at some point.

1. He slept with his female friend who was a lesbian. He only “felt attracted to her because she was a lesbian”. He said it was an awkward encounter but I just feel again - taking advantage? I don’t know, it just feels strange.

1. He said that his friends joked with him “rather than spending all money on dates, just go to a hooker and you’re guaranteed sex”. He said this depressed him because he realised he was paying for sex with the girls on dating apps.

I’m just so disappointed in myself to think like this and to be judgemental but I can’t stop thinking about it all. Obviously it’s all in his past, but I think it just says a lot about him?

With me, he wasn’t like this at all. He dated me for 3 months before we had sex. He was a gentleman, and has continued to be throughout our marriage. In considering individual counselling because I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s not jealousy, it’s disgust. Sometimes I don’t even want him to touch me or be near me. Aibu?

That's your response to reading that post?!

Agree with this so much. Can’t stand the word slut. I don’t think it’s even ‘a thing’. It’s a horrible word invented by men to shame the very behaviour they freely and happily partake in. What’s the male equivalent of a slut? There isn’t one. Any man who uses that word is disgusting.

I have a much more colourful sexual history than my husband. In fact, I’ve slept with 3 times as many people he has. He knew this from the start and didn’t care. He’d never dream of calling me a slut.

1. Early on in our marriage we were at a cafe and a woman in her pjs walked in (full of lip filler, tan, overweight - the opposite to me) and said “hiya babe you okay?”. DH denied knowing her but it was obvious that he did know her. I think from seeing his “type” before (his child’s mum) I assumed he’d slept with her at some point.

This part makes you sound like a judgy person generally.

your husband sounds fucking vile. Any man who refers to a woman as a ‘slut’ is fucking disgusting

I only need to read 1) to know that this guy is a piece of shit and definitely not boyfriend material.

Why on earth are you with this absolute creep:

He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut.

No excuse for this. None. He is showing you who he is. Walk away.

Your husband's past sex life isn't really the issue, it's the fact he speaks about women appallingly. He has zero respect for women and seems to see them as something to have sex with, rather than people. He speaks about the Mother of his daughter in a dreadful way. It doesn't matter if they had a ONS or were in a 10 year relationship, it doesn't excuse his attitude. It makes me wonder what he says to his mates about you, behind your back.

I agree. At some stage or another I think you need to take accountability that you chose to marry this man. With such extreme examples, I aM failing to see how it’s come as such a surprise to you @elefanty

People do grow up. It disgusts to me think
of some of the men I had sex with if I’m honest so it’s plausible it does him too. We live and we learn.

Haven't read the full thread so my apologies if I am repeating any one.

The way I read it OP is that you have traditional views yourself, e.g. only long term relationships, and the way he presented himself to you whilst you were in the dating phase was that he is traditional and gentlemanly. However his past sex life is anything but traditional and his views on women are not gentlemanly. This has understandably put you off him. He put on facade during the dating phase to reel you in and now his true nature is showing.

I think this would trouble me as well, @elefanty.

It almost seems like he's got a "Madonna-whore complex", which you weren't aware of at the beginning of your relationship because he evidently treated you like a Madonna. Right down to not sleeping with you for several months. And then as he started to speak about his past you learned about all the women he'd treated like "whores". Sorry about the use of that word, it's Freud's terminology, not mine.

I wouldn't like the idea that a man had treated me with care and respect because he somehow thought I was worth more than other women. I'd rather be with a man who treated all women with care and respect.

It doesn't sound like he has grown up if he is referring to the mother of his child as a "slut" though.

I'd not have any confidence in this man staying with you when you get older, or if you put on weight. He'll probably be off with a younger, prettier woman.

JFC the point isn’t to learn to stop sleeping with ugly tramps. It’s to learn not to think of women as ugly tramps.

I’m just so disappointed in myself to think like this and to be judgemental but I can’t stop thinking about it all. Obviously it’s all in his past, but I think it just says a lot about him?

He's a man with a very low opinion of women and you can't reconcile this with the man you are with? Cos he's STILL that man which you damn well know every time he talks about his ex.

Honestly, I don't think I could go there to begin with and god help you if when you break up.

Instant ick.

He sounds like a horrible person with the things he said eg calling the woman ugly and a tramp etc but I don't see those situations as taking advantage. She made the chicken to have sex with him, unless he forced her or manipulated her or something.

Same with the lesbian lady, she choose to have sex with him for whatever reason right? So no I don't see that as taking advantage, but the way he speaks about women is disgusting.

As you said he courted you like a gentleman so maybe he is different now I don't know, that's for you to decide.

💯

Nothing to do with a past sex life really. It's the type of person your dh is that is the problem.

I think the timeline matters, like how long have you been together and how long ago did these things happen?

Wow I never say LTB but wow, LTB.

Also, this guy is a sleaze, not sex positive, but also you don't have to be sex positive. For the record.

He called his ex a slut ? I don’t think he changed

Poor OP, I agree this sounds unpleasant. You're not over sensitive for feeling that way.

As to the 'lesbian' thing - I'm bi myself & I know my lesbian friends would be disgusted by sex with a man. Sadly a lot of bi women claim wrongly to be lesbian to attract men who have a creepy/boundary-breaking fetish for 'turning' lesbians. 🤮 Presumsbly this is what happened here? If he was taking advantage of an actual lesbian who maybe felt pressured to try sex with men to change herself, then that's worse.

He calls the mother of his child an ugly tramp slut?

He is absolutely disgusting.

I'd stop being disappointed with myself and focus on being disappointed with him (and probably leaving him, unless he's a completely changed man, which it doesn't seem like he is). He sounds gross. The whole 'sex positivity' thing is overrated, imo. I'd rather have standards, and if someone thinks I'm judging, that's okay. We all judge on something unless we literally have no standards at all.

He's quite dreadful, OP, and I think you know this deep down, despite him being a 'gentleman'.

I could never unknow and unsee what a low class misogynistic pig he is at his core.
That he is different with you would mean nothing to me.
He is who he is.

Definitely not life partner, father of my children material.
He's a low life, sorry.