DHs past sex life making me feel disgusted.

[elefanty]

I’m really struggling with my DHs ex-“love life”. I’m someone who has always thought of themselves as being “sex positive”, I think sex is fine and people should do what they want to do.

I’ve been more “traditional”/boring in my own life. I’ve only ever had sex with people I’ve been in long term relationships with. One night stands do not appeal to me at all.

When I met DH, he had been single for a year following a long term relationship. We married after 3 years. He had a little girl from a previous relationship (who’s now 10).

Over the last few years I’ve learnt more and more about him and I feel guilty about how grossed out I am about his past.

1. His little girl was conceived during a hookup with a woman he knew wanted a relationship with him, but he felt she “wasn’t girlfriend material”. He slept with her once when she was going through a breakup( had known her since a teen) and she got pregnant. I think that’s him massively taking advantage of her to be honest. He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut.

1. He’s told me over the years we’ve been married that he had “sugar mamas” when he was in his early to mid 20s, where he’d sleep with 40/50 year old women and “act as a stepdad to their kids” so he could have somewhere to live/pay for his hobbies. I find that disgusting to be honest. He said that they were “gross” but “sex was sex” and he was “depressed”.

1. Early on in our marriage we were at a cafe and a woman in her pjs walked in (full of lip filler, tan, overweight - the opposite to me) and said “hiya babe you okay?”. DH denied knowing her but it was obvious that he did know her. I think from seeing his “type” before (his child’s mum) I assumed he’d slept with her at some point.

1. He slept with his female friend who was a lesbian. He only “felt attracted to her because she was a lesbian”. He said it was an awkward encounter but I just feel again - taking advantage? I don’t know, it just feels strange.

1. He said that his friends joked with him “rather than spending all money on dates, just go to a hooker and you’re guaranteed sex”. He said this depressed him because he realised he was paying for sex with the girls on dating apps.

I’m just so disappointed in myself to think like this and to be judgemental but I can’t stop thinking about it all. Obviously it’s all in his past, but I think it just says a lot about him?

With me, he wasn’t like this at all. He dated me for 3 months before we had sex. He was a gentleman, and has continued to be throughout our marriage. In considering individual counselling because I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s not jealousy, it’s disgust. Sometimes I don’t even want him to touch me or be near me. Aibu?

You can be sex positive and not feel great about these facts. Because yeah they don’t paint him in a positive light

it’s not like he was a player, more like he was a user and was cynically taking advantage of people he didn’t even like

That's the least of it surely. Past sex is past sex. But calling a woman ugly and a slut is not in the past!

Madonna/whore complex is strong in this one. Let me guess, he told you early on you ‘weren’t like other girls.’

He sounds disgusting. You say he talks poorly about his ex - I can’t believe you didn’t shut that down the first time!

indeed!

He's vile

Did you actually read the previous quotes? The poster suggested that there was a consent issue and he took advantage of the mum

I suggested an alternative narrative which is equally plausible. So please explain how your comment bears any relevance?

He's seeing how far he can push it with the OP with her commenting. He's grooming her for accepting unacceptable behaviour in future because 'i treat you better than all of them'.

It's all about normalising dog shit behaviour.

Yes. Op's survival instincts are finally kicking in.

That was my impression too.

He either wants out but wants her to leave so he's pushing or he wants to open the relationship up.

He sounds like a proper bell end, whatever his reasoning.

Sorry, not read all the comments.

Initially I was going to say YABU because I thought you were going to be disgusted because he'd had a lot of one night stands or something.

But this - He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut.

This is present tense. He hasn't changed at all if that's how he speaks about women he's slept with, particularly vulnerable ones. And the mother of his child.

I guarantee if you told him you slept around a lot before you met him, he would switch how he views you even though you would be the same person he has known all this time.

Which I suppose is a bit ironic because you've known him all this time, but your disgust is because you didn't know he was a misogynist who took advantage of women then called them disgusting names afterwards.

Who gives a shit if he feels bad because he thinks he was 'paying for women' through dating apps. I bet they didn't think that was what was happening.

Sorry, but I don't know how you can get by the true person he has shown himself to be.

The sex isn't the problem. His raging misogyny and disrespect for women, however, absolutely is.

I see the incels have arrived

They never left.

"Illegally18"?

no
coercing people into sex is rape
I don't care if people aren't comfortable calling it rape. It is rape.

Not all rapists are hiding in a dark alley to ambush an unsuspecting woman.

It’s not equally plausible as you cannot be “trapped” into having a child. He chose not to use contraception with somebody he chose to have a fling with.

And he openly stated he took advantage of her so not sure why he needs you to be his advocate?

It’s baffling to me that a misogynist incel would spend so much time on a site called “Mumsnet”.

He's a mysogynist who holds a madonna / whore attitude to wormen. He has unfortunately managed to hide it from you before now.

I remember realising this early on when luckily an ex made a disgusted comment about an overweight woman in a tight dress that you'd sleep with her at the end of the night but then run in the morning. He was drunk but realised he had slipped up when he saw the shocked expression on my face and said "oh no!!! I'd never treat you like that, you are so classy. That's why I have not asked you for sex. I want us to wait."

He was revolting to me from then on and I never saw him again, just blocked him. I think you are having a similar reaction.

I have a few theories.

I remember one of them some time ago spent an evening on here telling us how old and dried up and ugly we were and how we could never ever hope to attract a quality man. Someone replied, "Well, we are here because we've got children who are now in bed. Why are YOU with us old fat mums at 10pm on a Saturday night?"

The way he behaves, talks about and treats women = not a gentleman.

The way he behaved towards you at the beginning = man who was able to read what you needed in order for him to perform the necessary to get what he wanted.

Stop beating yourself about not being sex positive.

What you are is creep-negative.

No read the full thread but from the OP, it's clear that the issue with this 'man' is his disgusting misogyny, not that he slept around before getting married.

If you want answers, its always best that you quote what you are replying to as I cannot even recall what i said.

Anyway, thank you for bringing this term to my attention "Madonna/Whore dichotomy"

None of this is really any of your business. I have no interest in my DH’s sex life before he met me. There can be too much truth in any relationship, and it’s not always a good thing.

You have spectacularly missed the point