Blindsided at breakfast!

[Newname699032]

So I'm part of a wider friendship group of 6 women. We became friends through our children. I'm closest to two of them much more so than the others. One of others I find tricky sometimes. She's very opinionated and can make comments that I think comes across as critical.

Today at a breakfast with our kids, myself and one of the women I'm closest to whom I will call F, and this other woman whom I will call N, were sitting together chatting. I find in this dynamic when the 3 of us are together (our children do the same hobby), they talk the most and I feel my voice is often unheard (have felt like this my entire life so I'm fully aware that that is my 'stuff'). They will unintentionally (I assume) talk over me or not always really respond to things I say.

So, today the topic of one of our mutual friends marriage came up. Admittedly I am probably feeling a bit drained and frustrated as I have been supporting one of the other two women that I'm closest to navigate her marriage difficulties and now another one if going through problems. From mine, and others perspective, the common denominator here seems to be the men being disrespectful and basically checked out of the marriages and family life. I also feel quite passionate about this topic as 1. It has been present in my life as I support my friend and 2. I have some experience of my own marriage challenges. 3. I feel sorry for all the kids involved.

F was telling a story about someone else she knows and giving their example. I did interrupt her/try to interject my opinion (I suppose unlike most of the time, I persevered in giving my opinion this time) when N, in my opinion, quite angrily and aggressively, physically turned towards me and said 'can you stop being so defensive and let her finish'. I was absolutely gobsmacked and felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I responded that I wasn't being defensive which she double downed on and said I was. I repeated that I wasn't and continued making my point. All the while feeling almost sick at this confrontation. We had finished our food at this point anyway so paid and left. F text me afterwards to say that she was shocked by the whole thing and it was all completely uncalled for by N.

I genuinely still feel shaken by this interaction and don't think I can be around N anymore. I think I'm just venting and lookong for validation that N was completely out of line here? She could surely have just said something like, 'let F finish, I want to hear this', in a calm, normal tone?!

Thanks if you read it all!

I haven't read the whole thread, but I am surprised at the reactions to OP.

When you are a quiet person used to be spoken over in group situations it can create situations where like OP, you actually do want to say something and when you try to, you feel you have to be more persistent because loud people just talk over you.

If there was an element of social faux pas, it could have been handled in a gentle friendly way with a smile. Then OP, in an equally casual and friendly way, might have apologised and the conversation continues.

People seems really keen to slam OP because she interrupted in a casual conversation! Like that doesn't happen often in the course of conversation with friends!

Sorry this happened OP. Maybe just be brief with this person when you see her and focus on your other friends. She sounds unpleasant, if what she said was delivered in a sharp way when it wasn't necessary.

I would be more cautious of F than N, tbh. If she's happy to gossip about a friend's failing marriage in a public place then you just know she's gossiping about you behind your back when you are not there. Chances are she and N have had negative conversations about you and N saw it as a chance to stick up for her friend when you kept interrupting. Her stern response (because it sounds more stern than aggressive) may have been fuelled by F previously complaining about you.

In fact, don't be surprised if F is stirring the awkward dynamic that exists between you and N. It probably suits her that the two of you don't get on so she can gossip with both of you about the other one. I bet if you and N were in a room alone together without her you'd get on better than you think you do.

Be very wary of slagging off N to F, because I'd put money on it being fed back to her.

People seems really keen to slam OP because she interrupted in a casual conversation!

I actually don't think people are slamming her (I'm not). Most people are saying that N went about correcting her the wrong way. But she doesn't seem to understand that what she did was rude and keeps trying to excuse it because her friend said it was OK (of course she did, she didn't want to be rude or unkind herself) and people are just pointing that out.

Stop meeting with toxic people who want to discuss other people's relationships in front of children. Children have good hearing and it'll be bad for everyone involved.

I’m sorry but just because someone is quiet and struggles to say something doesn’t mean it is then acceptable for them to interrupt and talk over someone. It’s rude. And we can’t say well poor thing struggles so it’s ok she interrupted and talked over her friend like what she was saying was irrelevant.

and so yes, sometimes someone needs to point out it’s rude.

There's different kinds of interruptions though, a small 'Oh really, gosh that's sad' when someone is taking is fine, it allows them to continue on afterwards. A longer 'Oh that's so sad, it's exactly like Janet and Bill who had similar issues actually, do you know what they ended up doing, it was quite controversial in the end...' is actually someone hijacking the conversation and moving it onto a new topic before the first person has finished. What kind of interruption did you make?

If you feel like people talk over you all the time and don't listen, is it because you are a chronic interrupter and they have to talk over you to get to the end of their point?

Regardless N shouldn't have snapped, so for that she's unreasonable. She should have just rolled her eyes and moaned about you behind your back later.

Yes agree with this 👆

This. The person that had a go had had enough!

Unless she regularly over-reacts (i.e. you assess her personality in a dispassionate way), you had pushed her to this point and that is not her fault.

I have a close friend whom I adore but she is terrible at interrupting and talking over people in the most opinionated way and it gets old really fast if you are trying to have a nice day.

“did not appreciate being 'policed' and shut down like that”

I would make sure to say this to her and to your friends. She obviously doesn’t like you but she should apologise for losing her cool. We all deserve basic respect.

A group of bitchy women getting together to discuss somebody else’s marriage. You all sound like absolute cows. Look for validation elsewhere OP.

but you see the OP has some experience of her own marriage challenges

so it's absolutely normal to gossip over other people's life 😂

And the op doesn’t like her obviously; they were all sitting there bitchy gossiping, so the fact they go at each other also isn’t really a surprise.

Go and join them for breakfast then

Regardless of the ins and outs of the situation. Its pretty simple really. You dont particularly like N and she doesnt like you by the sound of it. Just avoid her. In fact dont put yourself in her company.

She will quickly get the message and so will your friends.

Life is too short to feel like you have been punched in the guts at someones attitude. You are an adult, act like one. You will quickly find out who are actually your friends.

People interrupt all the time imo. Sometimes they are the ones who don’t take a breath to let anyone else have a say. I have experience of being told by someone who constantly interrupts anyone they are talking to, to stop interrupting which was unbelievable as they had zero self awareness. I interrupted because there was no other way to be heard. I barely say anything to her now in our get togethers but have noticed that she definitely likes to be the centre of attention and I feel happier not dealing with her. I can understand your feelings of upset though as I experience them myself when spoken to harshly. Some of us are just highly sensitive and there’s nothing wrong with that😐

I'd pay attention to this possibility if I were OP.

N is a bully, as are so many posters this morning. OP you sound lovely, ignore the meanies and trust your gut,

Just to add, I suspect a lot the mean posts are by incel blokes.

You all sound like a group of gossips! All sounds very unhealthy.

Oh give over, does a lovely person gossip about her friend’s marriage with other women in such a manner that it causes bad feeling amongst those who were gossiping? And I don’t think the OP has answered whether this was in front of the children!

Of course, women would never act like they always have impecible manners sure sounds like a bunch of 12 year olds to me but this 'they are badly behaved so must be blokes or one bloke' really?

Op stay out of the drama and find new friends

shut up and stop interrupting people

Agree
Op is constantly revisiting the old unheard dynamic by trying to get F to listen to her but probably unconsciously
Doing this is a way of trying to heal old wounds when actually F is not going to change so Op should just end the friendship

Expecting others to change is futile, over examining it is futile
Just remove yourself from this dynamic Op

No it doesnt at all, its part of normal conversing, its not always appropriate to wait, small gaps in conversation are when you can talk/reply/disagree/agree, that other woman doesnt have a right to say when OP can and can't speak, how ridiculous are people being. Someone can make a point then someone is allowed to contest it without being so seriously offended, she obv had a problem with op who sounds like a much nicer person, a lot of people here sound like the bitchy friend in question tbh

who's a bully?

the topic of one of our mutual friends marriage came up.
this is so embarrassing.. a bunch of women gossiping in a cafe, its so stereotypical it' can't be real.