Blindsided at breakfast!

[Newname699032]

So I'm part of a wider friendship group of 6 women. We became friends through our children. I'm closest to two of them much more so than the others. One of others I find tricky sometimes. She's very opinionated and can make comments that I think comes across as critical.

Today at a breakfast with our kids, myself and one of the women I'm closest to whom I will call F, and this other woman whom I will call N, were sitting together chatting. I find in this dynamic when the 3 of us are together (our children do the same hobby), they talk the most and I feel my voice is often unheard (have felt like this my entire life so I'm fully aware that that is my 'stuff'). They will unintentionally (I assume) talk over me or not always really respond to things I say.

So, today the topic of one of our mutual friends marriage came up. Admittedly I am probably feeling a bit drained and frustrated as I have been supporting one of the other two women that I'm closest to navigate her marriage difficulties and now another one if going through problems. From mine, and others perspective, the common denominator here seems to be the men being disrespectful and basically checked out of the marriages and family life. I also feel quite passionate about this topic as 1. It has been present in my life as I support my friend and 2. I have some experience of my own marriage challenges. 3. I feel sorry for all the kids involved.

F was telling a story about someone else she knows and giving their example. I did interrupt her/try to interject my opinion (I suppose unlike most of the time, I persevered in giving my opinion this time) when N, in my opinion, quite angrily and aggressively, physically turned towards me and said 'can you stop being so defensive and let her finish'. I was absolutely gobsmacked and felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I responded that I wasn't being defensive which she double downed on and said I was. I repeated that I wasn't and continued making my point. All the while feeling almost sick at this confrontation. We had finished our food at this point anyway so paid and left. F text me afterwards to say that she was shocked by the whole thing and it was all completely uncalled for by N.

I genuinely still feel shaken by this interaction and don't think I can be around N anymore. I think I'm just venting and lookong for validation that N was completely out of line here? She could surely have just said something like, 'let F finish, I want to hear this', in a calm, normal tone?!

Thanks if you read it all!

Yes this !!

Doesn’t sound a good friendship. And iften
threes don’t work, particularly if one person is domineering

Thanks for the feedback all. Appreciate it. Even the ones that I dont feel fit this situation - I'm ok with that. Obviously have a thick enough skin coz those comments don't bother me!

For me it's actually pretty simple. Whether I interrupted or not - I still deserve to be spoken to like a human being, and not like a piece of shit the way N did.

I like hearing the take on the friendship dynamic as a whole and its given me some food for thought. Lessons to be learned and all that.

N was looking tmo put the boot in and F is no friend. She would drop you of it suited her.
You are wasting your time.
Leave them to it.
I really hope children couldn't hear this gossiping, so inappropriate and wrong.

I wouldn't dream of having a conversation like that with only my very closest friends I could trust, in absolute private.

Yup!!!! Find a different topic 🤣🫣

Verbal attack?

Are you always so dramatic? Get a grip man.

Yes I absolutely think this too about N, F and gossiping!

I find it hard, sometimes, to know when a person has finished talking in a conversation. As a consequence, I wouldn’t find it rude if someone interjected with their thoughts on our topic when I wasn’t quite finished. I think N was incredibly rude. If you have to see her, a polite hello is more than enough. I wouldn’t let a conversation develop.

It’s okay to sit and listen.
I’m sorry you’re upset but interrupting and forcefully continuing isn’t the way to go about it.

Agree. Dead god if you’re “shaken” and feeling sick at someone telling you not to butt in you must’ve had an extremely sheltered life. Get a grip. Or maybe don’t hang around with them going forward as it seems best for both.

I mean N probably thought that you were being really rude to F & felt that she had to speak up for her.

Sometimes you have to spend time with people you don't like and/or who dont like you. I wouldn't choose to, just when it is put upon you. (Breakfast is a choice).
I wouldn't choose to give them ammunition either. No chat about other people's marriages etc.

I am a quiet listener around people I dislike. That way, when I do speak, people listen.

This. Why did you feel you had to keep forcing your point in when someone else was talking? I think this is what I'm struggling to understand; why you were surprised that N did that when this is what you were doing? To me it's pretty obvious - because doing that is really rude.

Not done enough work if you react like this. Total non event.

You are overreacting. You are right that this is your issue with feeling slighted, not hers. It is perfectly reasonable to ask someone not to interrupt to interject their own opinion when someone else is speaking, especially if it is to contradict the speaker. Wait your turn. And try to stop being so defensive.

I interrupt a lot. I’m ND and my brain just falls over itself with all the thoughts in my head, I literally cannot wait to get it all said. But, I know I do it. I really try to stop myself. If someone calls me out on it, I apologise. I don’t agonise about it afterwards.

You interrupted, and kept on persisting. Your friend probably told you she didn’t mind, simply to make you feel better. She probably also thanked N afterwards, to make her feel better.

I've done a lot of work on myself and did not appreciate being 'policed' and shut down like that when talking to a close friend.

But you weren't talking to a close friend.

You were interrupting two close(?) friends talking.

Sounds very dramatic. And also that you use English incorrectly to try to sound important (incorrect use of “myself” and “mine”). Maybe it carries across to your speaking style and winds people up?

"I did apologise to F if I was interrupting her. She insisted that I wasn't."

"The key word would be 'if' here. If, I was interrupting her. IF, she experienced it as such. Which she said she didn't."

See, here’s the thing. OP. I can have a bit of a bad habit of interrupting sometimes, related to my ADHD (not an excuse, but an explanation). It's something I really don't like about myself and try to work on.

Whenever I catch myself doing it, as soon as I realise I’ve done it, I say something like “I’m really sorry - I interrupted you. Please, carry on”. Or words to that effect. And then I STOP TALKING.

I don’t interrupt then talk over the person, or continue to interject my point, or say “I’m sorry IF I interrupted you”. That’s a non-apology on a par with “I’m sorry you feel that way”. The only possible response F could have given at that point while remaining polite herself was “no no, you’re fine”, which is why you think she didn't mind. She was hardly going to say “Well yeah, you did, and it was bloody rude”, was she? That would have inflamed the situation even more.

You interrupted, then by your own admission continued to make your point even when it was obvious that you’d done that, and that’s incredibly rude. So N pulled you up on it, and rightly so. Maybe she didn't go about it in the most polite way, but I can absolutely understand her frustration.

The interrupting thing is more complex than “don’t interrupt “. Some people love the sound of their own voices and barely pause for breath between sentences so there are few natural breaks in the conversation. I tend to avoid these people but interrupting them is the only way to have a conversation and not just listen to a monologue

This describes half of people these days. It’s worse post covid.

It sounds like you don't like this person so don't speak to them unless you have to.

But why did you interrupt, and when told to let the other person finish you carried on? That's not normal conversation.

You sound like you're extremely sensitive and I can't help but think the other woman wasn't as aggressive as you're making out.

I als think you were being very rude, I abhorr it when someone interrupts someone talking and talks over them. And the fact f tried to make you feel better about it doesn’t mean it wasn’t rude. I also find your overreaction, shaking feeling sick concerning. I understand you’ve issues but cmon, you were being rude,

3 unpleasant people having breakfast together 🤷‍♀️

I've done a lot of work on myself

and there is a lot more to be done