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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blindsided at breakfast!

209 replies

Newname699032 · 19/10/2025 22:45

So I'm part of a wider friendship group of 6 women. We became friends through our children. I'm closest to two of them much more so than the others. One of others I find tricky sometimes. She's very opinionated and can make comments that I think comes across as critical.

Today at a breakfast with our kids, myself and one of the women I'm closest to whom I will call F, and this other woman whom I will call N, were sitting together chatting. I find in this dynamic when the 3 of us are together (our children do the same hobby), they talk the most and I feel my voice is often unheard (have felt like this my entire life so I'm fully aware that that is my 'stuff'). They will unintentionally (I assume) talk over me or not always really respond to things I say.

So, today the topic of one of our mutual friends marriage came up. Admittedly I am probably feeling a bit drained and frustrated as I have been supporting one of the other two women that I'm closest to navigate her marriage difficulties and now another one if going through problems. From mine, and others perspective, the common denominator here seems to be the men being disrespectful and basically checked out of the marriages and family life. I also feel quite passionate about this topic as 1. It has been present in my life as I support my friend and 2. I have some experience of my own marriage challenges. 3. I feel sorry for all the kids involved.

F was telling a story about someone else she knows and giving their example. I did interrupt her/try to interject my opinion (I suppose unlike most of the time, I persevered in giving my opinion this time) when N, in my opinion, quite angrily and aggressively, physically turned towards me and said 'can you stop being so defensive and let her finish'. I was absolutely gobsmacked and felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I responded that I wasn't being defensive which she double downed on and said I was. I repeated that I wasn't and continued making my point. All the while feeling almost sick at this confrontation. We had finished our food at this point anyway so paid and left. F text me afterwards to say that she was shocked by the whole thing and it was all completely uncalled for by N.

I genuinely still feel shaken by this interaction and don't think I can be around N anymore. I think I'm just venting and lookong for validation that N was completely out of line here? She could surely have just said something like, 'let F finish, I want to hear this', in a calm, normal tone?!

Thanks if you read it all!

OP posts:
stillhiding1990 · 20/10/2025 07:46

nomas · 19/10/2025 23:15

F didn't feel interrupted. There are points in conversations where you can sometimes interject. No one has completely linear conversations where no one ever interrupts, that's unrealistic. As long as you respect each other and give each other a chance to talk, it's ok to interject at relevant points.

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F should have said to N at the time it was fine

NollyGreen · 20/10/2025 07:49

WinteriscomingKnitfaster25 · 20/10/2025 06:48

This

It sounds like N has form for being verbally dominant, she has pulled you up on her own habit, which is often the way ironically.
Blind to our own faults and super critical of others
F is a people pleaser, probably tells N you were rude but you that you weren't.

You feel unheard so you jump in rather than be calm and assertive and it's bitten you.
Work on your communication skills

Personally I would give these two a swerve, it's doesnt sound like a mutually respectful, supportive friendship.
You find her critical and dominant
Gossiping about others marriages isn't very nice in general
Forget who is right/ wrong here
It's not for you ...

Show quote history

Yes reading this post - I wonder if you’ve been like I have in the past OP - you know you’ve got a history of being unheard and the passive or ‘quiet’ one so you sort of want to prove a point. I’ve done this and it doesn’t end well. When I genuinely feel better about myself I don’t care how I’m being ‘seen’ by others - if this makes sense and will feel happy being quiet

Invinoveritaz · 20/10/2025 07:50

It all sounds quite toxic. I think you should have let F finish speaking and not interrupted her but N was wrong to speak the way she did.
You seem to have had an over reaction to the criticism - ie feeling like you’d been punched. It may help to go and reflect on why someone behaving this rude manner has had such a profound effect on you. Maybe some CBT is in order to develop some coping strategies and build resilience?

SomeHorse · 20/10/2025 07:53

Newname699032 · 19/10/2025 23:22

Thank you so much. This is exactly how I interpreted the situation.

Anyone out there who has a childhood history of feeling unheard will understand what might appear as my 'overreaction', or 'drama' around this.

I've done a lot of work on myself and did not appreciate being 'policed' and shut down like that when talking to a close friend.

Show quote history

But that’s your stuff, as you said yourself.

AmethystAnnotation · 20/10/2025 07:53

So, today the topic of one of our mutual friends marriage came up.

Really, this all sounds most unpleasant - three of you chewing over a friend's marriage at breakfast. You say you're supporting the friends who have marital issues - it isn't very supportive to discuss someone's marriage behind their back.

Your friend's comment about your interruption sounds blunt and aggressive, but that's what happens in this kind of salacious dynamic - everyone desperate to shove their oar in - it's not the kind of conversation where people are gentle and considerate.

I would suggest a basic personal rule of not talking about other people behind their backs other than brief, factual mentions.

socks1107 · 20/10/2025 07:54

Maybe you interrupt more than you think you do and today the other person had just had enough of it and finally snapped.
Talking and gossiping about other people’s marriages isn’t so nice either tbh.

sounds all very dramatic from you and maybe some time away from these people is what’s needed. Often these mums groups can be a funny dynamic and I stepped away from all of them eventually due to this sort of thing

Titasaducksarse · 20/10/2025 07:55

Let it go this time. Maybe reflect on your strong emotional reaction but if N does it again you need to address it with them.

NollyGreen · 20/10/2025 07:58

I meant to quote a post above that said you seem like the third wheel in this friendship group OP. I’ve been in this situation so I empathise entirely.

I felt like an outsider in m my old group of school friends cos I’d left the group, come back etc.

I felt talked over and not heard/respected so I completely get how you’re feeling OP. I personally felt a sense of relief when I left the group. But the thing is - some of the more ‘Queen Bee’ types in the group were then at Xmas time sending cards saying ‘we must meet up for a drink’. But my thoughts were - but why didn’t you respect me more when I was actually in the group then? !!!

NollyGreen · 20/10/2025 08:00

AmethystAnnotation · 20/10/2025 07:53

So, today the topic of one of our mutual friends marriage came up.

Really, this all sounds most unpleasant - three of you chewing over a friend's marriage at breakfast. You say you're supporting the friends who have marital issues - it isn't very supportive to discuss someone's marriage behind their back.

Your friend's comment about your interruption sounds blunt and aggressive, but that's what happens in this kind of salacious dynamic - everyone desperate to shove their oar in - it's not the kind of conversation where people are gentle and considerate.

I would suggest a basic personal rule of not talking about other people behind their backs other than brief, factual mentions.

I agree with this post in particular the first paragraph

MyDeftDuck · 20/10/2025 08:09

Just don’t socialise with her again…….F has checked in on you and that tells me she’s a far more pleasant human being than the other person who comes across as a controlling bully.

WhereDidSummerGoAgain · 20/10/2025 08:09

OP there are a bunch of posters here who just love to have a go, and especially seem to love to kick people when they're down. Ignore them.

It's natural in conversation for people who know each other well - especially women IMO - to interject and the conversation flows. It's not the same as interrupting in a rude way. As your friend who was actually talking didn't feel interrupted and took the time to confirm to you that N was angry and aggressive, please don't let people here make you doubt yourself about that.

The person in the wrong here is N, and she owes you an apology for speaking to you like that.

Don't be afraid of falling out with her, she's an arsehole. Have a chat with N and let her know you don't know how to deal with it, ask her for advice.

Or, if you want to smooth things over without being a doormat about it, you could say to N you were taken aback by how she spoke to you, but recognise it's out of character and want to know if everything's ok?

This way you keep the moral high ground while making it clear it's not acceptable but giving her an out - she can say she wat stressed or whatever. If she doubles down, fuck her. She's not a friend.

99bottlesofkombucha · 20/10/2025 08:12

AmethystAnnotation · 20/10/2025 07:53

So, today the topic of one of our mutual friends marriage came up.

Really, this all sounds most unpleasant - three of you chewing over a friend's marriage at breakfast. You say you're supporting the friends who have marital issues - it isn't very supportive to discuss someone's marriage behind their back.

Your friend's comment about your interruption sounds blunt and aggressive, but that's what happens in this kind of salacious dynamic - everyone desperate to shove their oar in - it's not the kind of conversation where people are gentle and considerate.

I would suggest a basic personal rule of not talking about other people behind their backs other than brief, factual mentions.

Do you honestly mean to say a good friends marriage was ending and you wouldn’t discuss it with your mutual friends? Rubbish.

SomeHorse · 20/10/2025 08:12

WhereDidSummerGoAgain · 20/10/2025 08:09

OP there are a bunch of posters here who just love to have a go, and especially seem to love to kick people when they're down. Ignore them.

It's natural in conversation for people who know each other well - especially women IMO - to interject and the conversation flows. It's not the same as interrupting in a rude way. As your friend who was actually talking didn't feel interrupted and took the time to confirm to you that N was angry and aggressive, please don't let people here make you doubt yourself about that.

The person in the wrong here is N, and she owes you an apology for speaking to you like that.

Don't be afraid of falling out with her, she's an arsehole. Have a chat with N and let her know you don't know how to deal with it, ask her for advice.

Or, if you want to smooth things over without being a doormat about it, you could say to N you were taken aback by how she spoke to you, but recognise it's out of character and want to know if everything's ok?

This way you keep the moral high ground while making it clear it's not acceptable but giving her an out - she can say she wat stressed or whatever. If she doubles down, fuck her. She's not a friend.

Edited

That suggests you’re a chronic interrupter who is totally unaware of how irritating it is for other people, though obviously the OP’s friend shouldn’t have erupted either.

AmethystAnnotation · 20/10/2025 08:16

99bottlesofkombucha · 20/10/2025 08:12

Do you honestly mean to say a good friends marriage was ending and you wouldn’t discuss it with your mutual friends? Rubbish.

Show quote history

It might be hard for you to comprehend, but no, I wouldn't. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has the same basic rule of not discussing others behind their backs.

BetterWithPockets · 20/10/2025 08:16

mzpq · 19/10/2025 23:58

But you said you did interrupt her?

It's basically what your entire opening post is about.

That's what led to all the shaking and overreacting when you were pulled up about it.

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But that’s also how informal conversations work! People interject, speak over each other, ask questions. That’s normal.

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 20/10/2025 08:18

You do know when you aren't there it's your life /marriage being picked apart don't you?

WhereDidSummerGoAgain · 20/10/2025 08:19

SomeHorse · 20/10/2025 08:12

That suggests you’re a chronic interrupter who is totally unaware of how irritating it is for other people, though obviously the OP’s friend shouldn’t have erupted either.

Show quote history

Perhaps you don't have that kind of relationship with any of your friends, and that's fine. But I have some friends who have conversations that bounce back and forward from each other naturally, and everyone is happy with it. We know each other very well - certainly well enough to say if one of us was doing something irritating!

If you're unaware of this dynamic in some close friendships that's fine, it's not for you. But the OP's friend said she was fine. N was a third party - she wasn't being interrupted, but she was being controlling and aggressive. None of us were there, but the two other women who were there thought she was being aggressive.

It's no way to treat anyone. If a friend is interrupting someone else and it's annoying you, the right thing to do is say something politely, not to be aggressive.

WhereDidSummerGoAgain · 20/10/2025 08:21

BetterWithPockets · 20/10/2025 08:16

But that’s also how informal conversations work! People interject, speak over each other, ask questions. That’s normal.

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Exactly!

Dancingsquirrels · 20/10/2025 08:22

Threads like this are pointless, IMHO. Perhaps N was rude. Perhaps OP was more forceful than she claims. How can any of MN possibly know what did (not) happen?

pestowithwalnuts · 20/10/2025 08:22

Did you carry on talking while F was talking..as in talking over the top her .?

BadgernTheGarden · 20/10/2025 08:24

Calliopespa · 19/10/2025 23:31

We weren't there and to be honest op it is tricky to give much of an opinion on the conversation without more detail as to the content/how relevant your interjection was etc.

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This.

And how long F had been talking and how interested N was in what F was saying, if you are listening closely to something interesting and someone else keeps interrupting it can be very irritating. We really can't judge. But I wouldn't be surprised if N got a very different response from F after the event.

FemWoman · 20/10/2025 08:25

ozarina · 19/10/2025 22:59

It sounds like you're all too busy talking about other people's marriages !

This. Why on earth are you giving examples of people's marriages? Just keep it light and keep gossip away.

TubeScreamer · 20/10/2025 08:29

Sounds like you were all being unreasonable to me!

diddl · 20/10/2025 08:30

F doesn't sound like much of a friend.

Generally ignores you when N is there & doesn't speak up when N berates you for doing the very thing that she does!

Neemie · 20/10/2025 08:32

You disapprove of her and she will have spotted that. It isn’t about the etiquette of who interrupted who. You just don’t like each other and find each other annoying.