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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For crying age 50 as I feel left out! Help me toughen up?

180 replies

BeethovenNinth · 18/10/2025 21:08

go gently….am I being pathetic and just need to get a grip?!

group of local mums - known for being cliquey - started asking me to stuff a few years ago. Our kids are friendly. It was nice to be asked; I don’t drink and am probably not quite cool enough. I live in a small community and have some lovely friends but not a huge number and can feel lonely. I was left out of stuff for a time at high school and don’t do well with rejection from friends

I have had a very tough few years, one of my kids is chronically unwell, lots on, my husband has had some issues. Life is v busy and I’m peri menopausal. I therefore work hard to keep myself well. I don’t generally overshare; I am a coper. So it’s not that I am negative - I am generally positive and happy despite my life shit! I’m generally a nice soul, and have nice friends but tend to meet one or two friends for a walk/event.

Gradually I am being excluded from stuff - there is yet another party I haven’t been invited to tonight and I’m sat feeling 15 years old again and horribly sad and left out. I suspect it’s because our kids have slightly drifted meaning this group, as I thought, only asked me as the kids were friends.

they are nice people, I suspect it’s either an oversight or because the friendship isn’t strong enough. But why are some women so mean?! I just don’t behave this way myself and am always careful to make sure no one feels left out.

i want to toughen up and move on. We are on a WhatsApp and I need to protect my mental health and leave with grace I think rather than spend nights feeling sad. They don’t hugely discuss these social nights on this chat now - there is another chat I think and I find out from the kids when stuff is on that I haven’t been invited to.

has anyone been through similar? I don’t want to flounce from the group - maybe just say the kids are growing up and I am trying to trim my WhatsApp groups?

thank you to anyone reading this far!

OP posts:
nomas · 18/10/2025 21:22

It’s never nice to feel excluded. Do you invite them to parties and things?

Owly11 · 18/10/2025 21:25

You sound lovely and these people are not your tribe. Invest in the real friends you have and forget this clique.

verycloakanddaggers · 18/10/2025 21:26

I don't think you need to toughen up, I think it's hard to be left out.

Yes just find a way to leave the group and write them off. Cliquey people are cliquey, it's just how they are.

shhblackbag · 18/10/2025 21:30

If you know the friendship "isn't strong enough," I don't think they're being mean. They're just not your group.

It's difficult, but it beats being asked when they don't actually want you there. That can feel even worse. In my opinion.

HardworkSendHelp · 18/10/2025 21:30

Yes it’s awful to be left out. But are they really that nice if they treat you like that. Why don’t you read the let them theory. You could even listen to it as an audiobook. I find it helped me to feel less sad when people did things that annoyed me.

clarrylove · 18/10/2025 21:32

How often do you invite them to things? Why not post on your group saying you are missing their company and invite them round?

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 18/10/2025 21:32

You don’t owe them an excuse or goodbye message on WhatsApp. Just leave the group.

Original poster
BeethovenNinth · 18/10/2025 21:32

Thanks nomas. I have had so much on that I haven’t really organised any huge gatherings myself. I did have my 50th this year and just went away with family. It’s not ideal though. I don’t have massive house parties though at the best of times!

thanks owly and verycloak thanks for saying that. I think it’s ok to feel hurt I guess! It’s so strange to feel this way at this age when I figured I would have this stuff sorted!

OP posts:
hmnj · 18/10/2025 21:33

Perhaps flip it. Why do you want to go to a party with people who don't want to invite you. They can get fucked. The one plus of menopause is that it may cure you of these feelings. You will develop a no nonsense attitude and not bother with people who don't value you. You can have a better time with your own family anyway. In the comfort of your own home. Rather than making small talk with twats.

AllJoyAndNoFun · 18/10/2025 21:35

BeethovenNinth · 18/10/2025 21:32

Thanks nomas. I have had so much on that I haven’t really organised any huge gatherings myself. I did have my 50th this year and just went away with family. It’s not ideal though. I don’t have massive house parties though at the best of times!

thanks owly and verycloak thanks for saying that. I think it’s ok to feel hurt I guess! It’s so strange to feel this way at this age when I figured I would have this stuff sorted!

I get that but if you don’t reciprocate people do maybe get fed up of that? Even if it’s inviting a few people who have hosted you previously over for a casual supper. You mention that your DH has “had issues” but don’t say what. Could he be the issue in that if he isn’t very good company for whatever reason they don’t see you as “ couple friends”.

Original poster
BeethovenNinth · 18/10/2025 21:39

Great idea to read “let them”. Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
BeethovenNinth · 18/10/2025 21:41

all joy yes definitely. DH hasn’t been well either and I often went out alone. He probably didn’t make much effort when he did come. But that said, it’s a group of women so I don’t think it’s just that.

but I haven’t organised anything and it’s not been ideal - I haven’t had the headspace

OP posts:
ChilliMochaCoco · 18/10/2025 21:44

I have been where you are. I realised that in terms of friends, these people are friends but not close friends. I focus on anyone who actually contacts me to meet up or actually wants to meet up when I suggest coffee/ drinks.
If people don't respond, then I know what degree of friend they are.
It's not you.
I had to realise that we don't all click and if they choose other people to hang out, then that's up to them. I will hang out with people who want to see me.
You sound great and life is not easy so focus on the important things in your life.

ThatGlimmeringSea · 18/10/2025 21:46

Do you think it might be partly due to the fact you don’t drink?

OriginalUsername2 · 18/10/2025 21:47

It probably is the DC’s friendships drifting. It happens. It hurts because being ejected from the group used to mean certain death in more tribal times 😬

Try not to take it personally. Friendships based around DC’s are just like this.

User372849 · 18/10/2025 21:56

There are two options here:

  1. Could your friends be a little fed up that you never initiate or arrange any socials? You don’t have to host huge parties but suggest/arrange some social things. It gets very wearing when people expect to be invited constantly but never make any effort to organise anything - it comes across as a bit selfish even if you don’t intend it that way. You say you don’t have the headspace and yet you expect them to have the headspace to do all the arranging and invite you?
  2. They could just be thoughtless/mean in which case I would leave the WhatsApp group and find better friends.

Only you know which it might be but friendship does involve some effort and if you never initiate anything people will lose interest or assume you aren’t interested

SomeHorse · 18/10/2025 22:00

BeethovenNinth · 18/10/2025 21:41

all joy yes definitely. DH hasn’t been well either and I often went out alone. He probably didn’t make much effort when he did come. But that said, it’s a group of women so I don’t think it’s just that.

but I haven’t organised anything and it’s not been ideal - I haven’t had the headspace

Which I do get, but you can see why it may lead to you drifting out of the group. They’re group acquaintances, whom know you because your children used to hang out, not the kind of close friends who would know all about the shit you have going on, and sympathise and support.

I don’t think this is anyone’s fault. Not your fault for not hosting and not being the life and soul of the party, obviously, and not theirs for not always inviting you to things these days, if your children are no longer close.

I don’t think it’s fair to dub them ‘cliquey’ if they invited you to things for years. it’s not a clique if it’s open to new people.

If you like them, and want to keep them in your life, invite them to something, though you don’t mention really liking them or feeling close to them?

If you don’t want that, then accept that some friendships are situational. It doesn’t mean they didn’t have value just because they didn’t last forever.

Screamingabdabz · 18/10/2025 22:01

“…don’t generally overshare; I am a coper. So it’s not that I am negative - I am generally positive and happy despite my life shit!”

This rang bells for me. If you don’t show vulnerability and you’re always consistently upbeat, maybe you come across as a bit inauthentic? In my experience of female groups you can’t get away with wearing a mask. It means they can’t trust you and it starts to be hard work to be around you.

MeridaBrave · 18/10/2025 22:02

So I think it’s likely as you don’t reciprocate. If you don’t invite people to parties you won’t get invited to theirs. Making a decision not to have a 50th party of some sort was perhaps seen as an indication that you don’t value the friendships enough to make an effort to host them.

AllJoyAndNoFun · 18/10/2025 22:05

BeethovenNinth · 18/10/2025 21:41

all joy yes definitely. DH hasn’t been well either and I often went out alone. He probably didn’t make much effort when he did come. But that said, it’s a group of women so I don’t think it’s just that.

but I haven’t organised anything and it’s not been ideal - I haven’t had the headspace

So I understand it from from your perspective but if the other person was writing on MN they’d be advised to “ match your energy” - ie only invite you if you invite them first so I think this isn’t about them not liking you but more uncertainty on their part as to whether you like them.

Endofyear · 18/10/2025 22:09

I think it's natural to feel a bit upset and left out. But it sounds like these women are transient mum's of kid's friends rather than actual friends. It happens as our kids get older and their friendships drift - I have mum friends that I still bump into occasionally and have a catch up but we don't have arranged nights out any more, since our kids left primary really. The 2 or 3 good friends that I made are still close and that's because we really clicked and the friendship is not now based on our kids being friends.

Amotherlife · 18/10/2025 22:10

I always found friendships with school mums varied according to whether they wanted their child to be friends with yours, your child was friends with theirs or your / their child no longer wanted to be friends with theirs / yours.

Some mums I tolerated for the sake of our respective children, some I truly liked faded away when our children were no longer friends. It was hard to establish something longstanding once the children no longer played a part.

There's a few I still see occasionally but it's mainly a group of dads my DH keeps up with and we meet for a specific, non child related purpose (kids all over 18 now).

I never really felt any of the school mums were real, longstanding friends, more friendly acquaintances. I now focus on other friends - many made through work - where we still share some interests of our own.

ButterPiesAreGreat · 18/10/2025 22:23

Oh I had this. I got together with a group of mums pre first baby. They brought someone else into the group who they saw in a different context and she took against me. I knew she didn’t like me. She hated if I turned up late because DS or DD was sleeping in their cot but she didn’t seem to get that not all babies do the same thing. She was frequently dismissive of my choices and just generally not a nice person. Then, when we’d reached the toddler stage, everyone got Facebook. I became friends with a few from the group but not her. Gradually I realised they were doing mum’s nights out without me. I made sure I blocked her and never looked back. I never got the full story but I just think it was because my eldest was a whole 2-3 months younger than the other babies that she felt I didn’t belong. She didn’t like I had a second baby before she did, that I owned a house whereas she rented, pretty much everything. I am still Facebook friends with the same people and we maintain a polite distance. I am not sure how much they were aware of it but from what I know, they haven’t met as a group in a long time.

You are honestly better off out of it.

Charlize43 · 18/10/2025 22:35

Look for new hobbies and make new friends.

Illegally18 · 18/10/2025 22:39

BeethovenNinth · 18/10/2025 21:32

Thanks nomas. I have had so much on that I haven’t really organised any huge gatherings myself. I did have my 50th this year and just went away with family. It’s not ideal though. I don’t have massive house parties though at the best of times!

thanks owly and verycloak thanks for saying that. I think it’s ok to feel hurt I guess! It’s so strange to feel this way at this age when I figured I would have this stuff sorted!

One of the biggest surprises of adulthood for me was to discover how many adults can behave like kids.