For crying age 50 as I feel left out! Help me toughen up?

[BeethovenNinth]

go gently….am I being pathetic and just need to get a grip?!

group of local mums - known for being cliquey - started asking me to stuff a few years ago. Our kids are friendly. It was nice to be asked; I don’t drink and am probably not quite cool enough. I live in a small community and have some lovely friends but not a huge number and can feel lonely. I was left out of stuff for a time at high school and don’t do well with rejection from friends

I have had a very tough few years, one of my kids is chronically unwell, lots on, my husband has had some issues. Life is v busy and I’m peri menopausal. I therefore work hard to keep myself well. I don’t generally overshare; I am a coper. So it’s not that I am negative - I am generally positive and happy despite my life shit! I’m generally a nice soul, and have nice friends but tend to meet one or two friends for a walk/event.

Gradually I am being excluded from stuff - there is yet another party I haven’t been invited to tonight and I’m sat feeling 15 years old again and horribly sad and left out. I suspect it’s because our kids have slightly drifted meaning this group, as I thought, only asked me as the kids were friends.

they are nice people, I suspect it’s either an oversight or because the friendship isn’t strong enough. But why are some women so mean?! I just don’t behave this way myself and am always careful to make sure no one feels left out.

i want to toughen up and move on. We are on a WhatsApp and I need to protect my mental health and leave with grace I think rather than spend nights feeling sad. They don’t hugely discuss these social nights on this chat now - there is another chat I think and I find out from the kids when stuff is on that I haven’t been invited to.

has anyone been through similar? I don’t want to flounce from the group - maybe just say the kids are growing up and I am trying to trim my WhatsApp groups?

thank you to anyone reading this far!

I would try to reframe them in your mind as acquaintances rather than friends. It may help you find an insouciance that helps you deal with these interactions in a healthier way.

When my kids were young, I was friendly with their friends' parents. And then drifted apart when the children grew apart. I think it helps to have a realistic understanding that many friendships are situational and that's ok. It doesn't mean the people are superficial

I read recently that most people lose half their friends every 7 years. Better to understand this is normal and ok than feel excluded / see cliques etc

It’s absolutely fine to be upset. I could’ve written this post. It’s also hard (I live in a small village) to make friends who are not the school mums as it’s a limited pool of people. Also resonated as I don’t drink loads and have forever felt not cool/ too boring. But I’ve reframed it as we just don’t have a mega amount in common. They like drinking lots, and I can’t manage that, but prefer hobbies etc. I must admit it makes me miss city living sometimes. I don’t have any advice other than I hope you feel better soon! I’m also the same in that anything like this seems to resurface teenage angst. Maybe don’t leave the WhatsApp but mute or archive and have a breather

But hosting or being reciprocal can be as simple as, “it’s my 50th next week why don’t we meet up xyz?” It doesn’t have to be hosted at your home. At least then others will feel you’re not just in the group for what you can get out of it.

I don’t think it’s because they are mean. I think it’s because you don’t reciprocate. It was your 50th and you didn’t organise anything? Why should they invite you out when you can’t even be arsed to do a drinks in a pub or something for your 50th. You just expect to be invited to their parties and events without making an effort.

Couple of things here...

1. Rejection from a social group is incredibly painful, so what you are feeling is normal. It doesn't matter how old you are. It is also going to happen again.
2. You don't sound too confident in yourself, which is making the pain worse. That could be something that you can work on which will make this stuff better to handle in the furture.
3. People are allowed to chose who they are friends with, maybe they just didn't gel with you as much as they gel with each other.
4. The secret to cliques is the give the impression they are much more socially powerful than they actually are. The best thing to do is to find someone who you actually liked and then meet them for a coffee on their own and have a chat i.e. don't overshare. You will be much more relaxed and it will give you a perspective that they are all just as human as you and it won't seem like such a rejection.

Firstly, your friends have had an honest, open chat about the reasons why and everyone is cool with it. This is NOT what the OP has done. Her friends have no idea why she never invites them back/reciprocates so how are they supposed to know? They arent telepathic.

Secondly, the OP doesn't have to host dinner parties, cook fancy meals, or put on big social events at her house, thats not what most people mean by "reciprocity".

Most people mean- the OP could initiate some ideas or suggest meeting up for a morning coffee, brunch at the local cafe, a walk around the park with the kids, trip to the beach, a cinema trip, night out at the pub/pub quiz etc (OP can easily drink soft drinks), a meal out at a nice restaurant, etc

None of these things involve hosting or cooking fancy meals. But they do show a willingness and effort to spend time with your friends which is what she is not doing.

I have a lot of friends but none of us just sit there passively expecting others to arrange our social lives for us. One time, I will suggest something and the next time someone else will. This is very natural in friendship and if it doesnt happen like this, then its completely natural that people will interpret it as non interest on the part of the person never making an effort.

The recommendation to read Let Them book is a very good one. Not with the 'what a bunch of horrible bitches, who needs them' mindset, but to understand that frendships are situational, depend on timing, proximity and energy.

Yes, if a group starts organising events you're not invited to, let them.

But there's also second part, 'let me'. If you don't like this situation, what can you do? Make more effort, organise things? Does not have to be a massive dinner, if you have no space or headspace. Or decide that this friendship group is no longer for you, and make efforts to connect with other people.

When you say Let Them, you release the need to cling to friendships that no longer serve you, making space for connections that truly matter. When you say Let Me, you take charge of your social life, reaching out, initiating, and cultivating the kind of friendships that reflect your values and bring you happiness.

You really need to focus on yourself, your family, and your own interests. At the end of the day all these social gettogethers, the people involved are all vacuous and you will pass them in the street in ten years time and won't even remember their names. Believe me, I have been there. Also, life circumstances change for the better or the worse as we get older and we need to build up chain mail to deal with defeat, illness, disappointment etc. Unless you have a couple of good friends, people are generally useless and just social butterflies. This is why you must focus on what is your 'scene' or else you will drift into your 50s with a sense of worthlessness whereas in reality you may be semi introvert. Just look at all the glitz that surrounds us today. It really is so ephemeral and has little or no meaning apart from 'Look at me'! Be real, be authentic, be you!

This probably isn't the case with you OP but I had a friend who would always come to our get togethers in either my house or my other friend's house but she never hosted us socially or for playdates (& she had a lovely house - nicer than ours). We did the cleaning, cooking, buying stuff, kids trashed our houses etc. It was very take on her part and give on ours. Her and my other friend never really got on that well (just two very different people) and when the kids stopped being friendly they drifted. I still saw her through a hobby group I organised and still invited her round to my house for that and saw her with playdates with our two but she made her feelings known that she felt left out when our third friend had a birthday party and she wasn't invited (though they hadn't seen eachother socially in nearly a year and never chatted/messaged eachother). She is also quite a negative person and most get togethers was her venting and looking sympathy which can be very draining. From her perspective she would say it's mean girls leaving her out. I'm really not saying this is what's happening here OP but just offering a different perspective that when people think others are leaving them out there could be reasons for it, it could be an oversight, they might just want smaller groups as it's calmer, cheaper to host or they could just be selfish and uncaring. I wouldn't leave the WhatsApp group as that seems dramatic. I would archive it/mute it instead and then you can dip back into it if needs be.

With kindness, you’re making this as if you were 15 again. People are allowed to have functions without inviting everyone. Maybe it’s a numbers issue, a cost issue - sometimes it’s just not possible to have everyone. And you say yourself, it is not as if you’re inviting them to stuff and they’re not reciprocating.

I hate all this ‘girls are mean’ stuff. There are lots of degrees of friendship. With friends like this (social, not close), I am delighted if I am included but don’t mind if I am not. Step back and don’t take it personally. Just like you, others have lives and priorities.

Two thoughts…

People do notice if you’re one of life’s takers and don’t offer to host in return. Yes, you probably have good reasons for not hosting at home but do you ever suggest new ideas and organise outings or simply wait to be invited?

We’ve all come across people who enjoy the socialising but never bother to take a turn and expect other people to sort it all out. They might think you’re a bit of a user?

I also don’t drink or socialise using booze to relax etc. (Even a small amount of alcohol will make me quite ill.) Therefore, I don’t actively join in those types of groups that prefer to socialise in this way. Maybe you need to look for friends via a hobby group that is less focussed on drinking?

Finally, please stop calling a group of women friends a clique just because you’re not part of the gang. Friendliness and being actual proper friends are two different things. As grown ups, we’re allowed to choose our friends and it’s not school, not everyone has to be included. I’m fed up of other women expecting this “Be Kind to all women” just because we’re the same sex.

I think this is a really relevant perspective.

Friendships, like any relationship have to be worked at; making time for each other, arranging things, checking in with texts etc When friendships are well established it comes easy, when they are not you have to be more active. It’s not always a ‘mean girls’ thing if you’re not playing your part.

Hope you’ve woken feeling a bit better OP, it’s not a nice feeling. Lots of advice on here

I'm inclined to agree with * theresnolimits*

I'm 51 now nd my children are adults but, when my children were at primary school and friends, I was included in much the same way you were.

We're all still fb friends but I haven't seen them since our childen left primary and they're now at university. Whereas they are all.still friends, go on holidays together, nights out. They're genuine friends I was included because our children were friends at the time. Everyone was friendly but we weren't friends.

I find talk of cliques a bit silly. I didn't expect to become friends with people because our children were born in the same academic year. I had my own friends and life outside of school.

But why are some women so mean?! I just don’t behave this way myself and am always careful to make sure no one feels left out.

It's not being 'mean' and I find this attitude baffling really.

I don't feel the need to 'make sure no one feels left out.' I spend time with the people I want to spend time with.

I've noticed this a lot of MN but not in real life at all, where some women feel the need to be nice or expect others to be nice to this extent sonthat no one gets left behind. It's just not realistic.

Oh yeah, do I remember that feeling of being iced out. Luckily mine occurred back when I was a teenager and even though it was crushingly hard, all the social media bollocks didn't exist.

The fact that your friend also feels it shows that it's not just personal to you alone. So could the two of you form a closer friendship? That's what I did and one of my fellow outcasts became one of my closest friends.

I just don’t behave this way myself and am always careful to make sure no one feels left out.

Easy to say if you never organise anything yourself, no?

Big girl pants time, OP!

I mean this kindly OP but your post is full of me, me, me. You had bad experiences when younger - lots of us did. You are peri menopausal and struggling with it- presumably so are all your friends if they are a similar age to you, in my friendship group, we are all struggling with peri menopause symptoms- albeit in different ways.
Dont assume that just because they arent vocal about it, it's not happening to them.
You dont have the "headspace"- well, maybe they dont either?- maybe it wasnt deliberately excluding you, maybe they simply didnt have the headspace to remember to invite you since they are juggling so many plates and you havent been active in the group. The thing is- you have no idea what might be going in in their lives either.

I just noticed that in your post you give lots of reasons/justifications why you feel like this but have not offered them the same courtesy. Your behaviour is due to chronic stress but their behaviour is automatically due to being cliquey bitches.

What I am trying to say is- instead of assuming they are just nasty people, perhaps consider they might also have a lot of stress going on, just like you. Dont automatically jump to malice as a motive when it might be nothing to do with that. In the same way, I am sure you wouldnt want someone to interpret your lack of hosting as being "mean spirited" either.

I didn’t say that I see cliques everywhere. My perspective is evidently different to yours. You see ‘groups’ and I see cliques and those circumstances of our observations are clearly very different.

I said that I had experienced them for years and now, in my capacity of ensuring equality within a large established group, I am seeing it more. Often someone will come to me claiming they’ve been excluded from an event because they simply haven’t been invited to join ‘xxxx, yyyy, and zzzz’ for lunch for example. On investigation it mostly emerges that it is a private arrangement and nothing to do with equality or exclusion, this comes across as a clique in my view.

It is very much about perspective I agree. But there is no right and wrong way in which we observe and perceive things, that’s because we are individuals.

I don't think they sound mean at all. They invited you along for several years, and made an effort to include your DH as well.

But friendships are a two-way thing. You can't expect to always be invited to things when you don't make the effort to invite them in return.

It sounds like they're a bit sick of constantly hosting and extending invites to you, only for you not to bother doing the same back to them. And honestly, I can't say I blame them.

It does not sound like they are really friends, or even your kind of people?

so it makes sense they feel the same way

sometimes for introverts it can look like a tantalising world out there for more outgoing, “popular”, “cool” boozy party people. Being included can be quite fun, and exciting

but also, if you also at heart were a fun party person, you would already be like them. But you are not.

nothing wrong with that.

i sometimes think I would like the laughter and jollity these kind of people bring, but my true authentic self is more of a forest-walk-with-friend kjnd of friendship person

the party crowd can seem appealing, but maybe you don’t really belong with that crowd

i’d not sweat it, just put the group on mute and crack on with your own life

It sounds like you have had a lot to deal with.

There can be lots of reasons you are not invited as much. Perhaps that's who they are and have always been and you are just seeing it now or maybe they feel they have outgrown the friendship now the boys are off dong their own thing. Its sad but it does happy.

Its not a judgement, but how much time have you actually had to invest in the friendship with these women? With these groups there are people who engage a lot with each other and share details about their lives the good, bad, the funny and the sad. Everyone takes turns organising things etc. People tend to drift away from those they see as periphery members and those that they don't see as engaged. They don't know your struggles and may think that you are not that bothered.

Think hard about whether these are people you want to be friends with or whether its the familiarity you will miss. Friends are people who add to your life not people who make you feel lonely, a burden etc

Some friendships are for now and some are forever.

Firstly, I wasn’t responding to the OP in particular but to the post I replied to. Secondly, my friends haven’t had an honest, open chat about it at all. One of them has never said anything but we know her circumstances and respect her choice.

In conclusion up, the onus is on you to either step up and put the effort into this friendship group if you enjoy going to their parties and being part of something inclusive as a family. Or you don’t bother and you fade out gracefully, not resentfully, knowing it was your decision in the end.

You do not get a pass never to reciprocate just because you lack headspace. Everyone has their own shit to deal with, even if it’s not obvious to you immediately. Scratch the surface and it will be there. That at least would serve your other friendships well to apply effort and care. All living organic things die without care x

I was replying to the poster about her general comment about hosting. I do know how friendships work and that you have to make an effort.