For crying age 50 as I feel left out! Help me toughen up?

[BeethovenNinth]

go gently….am I being pathetic and just need to get a grip?!

group of local mums - known for being cliquey - started asking me to stuff a few years ago. Our kids are friendly. It was nice to be asked; I don’t drink and am probably not quite cool enough. I live in a small community and have some lovely friends but not a huge number and can feel lonely. I was left out of stuff for a time at high school and don’t do well with rejection from friends

I have had a very tough few years, one of my kids is chronically unwell, lots on, my husband has had some issues. Life is v busy and I’m peri menopausal. I therefore work hard to keep myself well. I don’t generally overshare; I am a coper. So it’s not that I am negative - I am generally positive and happy despite my life shit! I’m generally a nice soul, and have nice friends but tend to meet one or two friends for a walk/event.

Gradually I am being excluded from stuff - there is yet another party I haven’t been invited to tonight and I’m sat feeling 15 years old again and horribly sad and left out. I suspect it’s because our kids have slightly drifted meaning this group, as I thought, only asked me as the kids were friends.

they are nice people, I suspect it’s either an oversight or because the friendship isn’t strong enough. But why are some women so mean?! I just don’t behave this way myself and am always careful to make sure no one feels left out.

i want to toughen up and move on. We are on a WhatsApp and I need to protect my mental health and leave with grace I think rather than spend nights feeling sad. They don’t hugely discuss these social nights on this chat now - there is another chat I think and I find out from the kids when stuff is on that I haven’t been invited to.

has anyone been through similar? I don’t want to flounce from the group - maybe just say the kids are growing up and I am trying to trim my WhatsApp groups?

thank you to anyone reading this far!

I think there are a few things here which doesn’t mean you’re not a nice person but just but ‘their’ person.

1. you don’t drink, which isn’t a pre requisite but if they are going out for drinks and you don’t drink you may not fit the vibe

2. your kids have drifted so you are just not in the same circle as you once were - happens a lot with friends who were friends through their kids - I’ve had primary school mum friends drift now our kids are at different schools and the kids just don’t hang out anymore. It’s not that people stop liking each other it’s just that those little occasions where you drop them at their friends house and chat on the door step or are arranging something for the children through them, or taking the kids out for the day with the other parent etc have disappeared.

3. you do not reciprocate any invites yourself. You may have lots going on and not the headspace but believe me as someone who organises a lot of social meet ups/dinners/pub trips/ parties etc, it does get tiresome when there is one person that never does it.

4. this will sound horrible but maybe you’ve stopped being fun, I’m not saying it’s true but it sounds like you have a lot going on and maybe you’ve slipped into being the mood down of a night out or party. Or they do things as couples on occasion and your husband has never been forthcoming and has his own issues.

it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or your life it sounds like you have drifted from this group and you just don’t suit each other at this time in your lives.

I don’t think you need to toughen up at all, and it’s understandable to feel like this. I think even if deep down you wouldn’t really want to go, just the fact you haven’t been invited is hurtful and upsetting.
I still have dreams about feeling left out at school, 20 years later despite not wanting to be friends with these people anyway!!

could you reach out to the other mum you said was feeling left out and go out for coffee? Or maybe join another social group or find another group to immerse yourself in.

I think you hit the nail about friendship being a two way street. And I think sums this up. A lot of people assume to be invited to things because that’s what they would do because they are quote ‘nice’! Not being invited doesn’t mean these women aren’t nice you just aren’t in their inner circle for want of a better word.

I’ve pointed out a few reasons above that I believe have made Op drift from the original group.

but I feel the same as you @thisishowloween that you get out what you out in.

You can’t just expect to be part of the group because it’s ‘mean of them’ if you aren’t. @BeethovenNinth do you spend any one in one time with members of the group? Specifically that party host in question?

Sorry op but I agree with this. You do sound like a thoughtful person but I think you are being a bit self absorbed about what others might be dealing with. You say you have a lot to deal with but you seem to think they dont.

When you get to age 40s and above it's extremely rare not to be busy AF and have a whole load on your shoulders- kids, family responsibilities- care of ageing parents, peri menopause or menopause creeping up, job stress, etc

You say you put on a brave face and dont have any headspace, but this applies to them too surely. Of the women I know, there isnt a single one who is sitting at home twiddling her thumbs bored of her super easy life - we all have stuff going on and you dont seem to acknowledge that you arent the only one who is hugely busy.

You admit you never host or initiate plans - has it not occurred to you that people may interpret that as disinterest, because I would. You dont actually have to host anything but at least suggest some arrangements to meet up and engage with these people you describe as "nice" and then "mean" in the same sentence.

But she’s never once invited them to anything, isn’t thay hurtful and upsetting to them, the fact that she takes and takes of their hospitality but never thinks to give back? They can’t just keep giving and giving and giving. At some point when you realise someone isn’t giving the same back, or even anything back you’d be a fool to keep going. And the excuse of she’s busy with a lot on, is fine, we all get it, but I don’t know one person who doesn’t have a lot of shit going on. All different sure, but people make the effort to organise stuff, invite people, and these people were kind enough to do so and make the effort for her, she just never bothered doing the same back/

no one is entitled to a life time of hospitality. And then proclaiming it’s hurtful when it stops and they are mean women. Not if you don’t bother ever reciprocating. If you don’t bother, then it’s on you. No one should be mug enough to keep on in a one sided relationship.

No one should be mug enough to keep on in a one sided relationship

Exactly- if I was constantly inviting my friend out and arranging get togethers and she never even once suggested something herself I would simply assume she didnt want to meet up or spend time with me. In fact, it would make me wonder if she even wanted to go out the previous times or whether she just agreed to go out of politeness/peer pressure.

You cannot just sit back passively in friendships and expect them to remain the same forever. They wont. Relationships of all kinds take effort and some investment on both sides to work, otherwise they become nothing more than parasitic.

I don’t think we know remotely enough about what kind of things are arranged for you to comment that they are “giving and giving and giving”
there’s always typically someone in a group who’s an organiser doesn’t mean their selflessly giving hospitality and need something in return.

I’m not saying these group of mums are mean. I’m very much of the view that people shouldn’t be included for the sake of it, as grown adults. But it doesn’t mean the OP isn’t allowed to feel upset or left out

The OP said it was just her and another lady on the periphery who gave been left out of social functions... This is what you call 'classic reading the thread' MN.

Absolutely this.

You can't just sit back and "take" constant invitations without ever offering any yourself. It doesn't have to be fancy - ask someone out for a coffee or a dog walk, see if they fancy the cinema or a drink after work, or even a takeaway and a film.

One of my closest friends and I do most of our socialising around our dogs - just a walk and a coffee at someone's house, or we might pop over for half an hour with cake for a chat. It doesn't have to be expensive or take hours of your time.

But it doesn’t mean the OP isn’t allowed to feel upset or left out

But it does- how on earth can you feel "left out" when you never reciprocate or suggest plans? if OP's friends acted like her, noone would meet up ever and the group wouldnt even exist! Reciprocity is important in friendships.

Both can be true. Perhaps everyone needs to actually use their words. I do not like silent edging out though. It is cruel. But it is also possible they are unaware of what is going on in OP's life - and she could talk to someone/ arrange something.

But surely she's "silently edging them out " as well but not reciprocating any of their invites over the years

I wouldn't bother inviting someone who never initiated a meet-up with me themselves.

I suspect her friends think it's the OP who is silently edging them out- this works both ways here if she never does any inviting.

Yes needs be two way efforts. I had nice friends we def drifted once our girls moved on to secondary. Its hard op. Maybe the kids not as much in common?

Sigh. The OP only knows that this other person is also invited to fewer things lately because she’s also a friend of the OP’s and they talked about it.

She can have no idea how many other people, who are not separately friends of hers, weren’t invited to the party.

It sounds like a perfectly ordinary situational thing where some people whose children started to hang out with a pre-existing group’s children included them in some adult social stuff for years, and then, as they hadn’t particularly bonded enough to become firm friends in their own right, are just not particularly on anyone’s radar any more now the children are no longer friends.

I don’t think anyones done anything wrong.

My thinking about this OP is that they’re not your ‘people’. The reason I say this is that if they were your people then you’d automatically make arrangements with them and tell them about difficulties and the highs and lows of your life. You wouldn’t feel like you’re not cool enough for them.

So with that in mind, I honestly wouldn’t give the non invitation any further thought. It sounds like you have close friends elsewhere anyway.

I’m not a huge fan of huge friendship groups anyway. Inevitably someone ends up on the periphery and the whole group thing is just so much effort and I can’t be arsed.

Would she though? This forum is littered with people who feel entitled to friendship and sore when they don’t get it, feeling excluded, whinging about cliques, but when you drill down, they never invite people, never make an effort. They simply expect others to do everything and invite them along and let them join in. They don’t understand relationships have to be equal and you need to put in as much effort.

It is overwhelmingly likely the people in this group all make equal effort with each other, inviting, organising, hosting etc. and the people who don’t do anything and never reciprocate are the ones they simply stopped inviting.

if someone posted on here and said I always invite Jenny, parties, my house, out for drinks, she never ever reciprocates. Never asks me to anything, not even out for coffee, but is happy to turn up and eat my food and drink my drinks. People would be shouting bin her off, she’s a user. They’d not be shouting just keep giving to her.. you’re not a mug at all

What a load of crap. Most people start to not like others when theyre not nice to them, ridicule them and not be friendly towards them. That's why I ended up not like them.

How do you think people in the group should handle having a party they don’t intend to invite OP to because they don’t really think of her as a friend, given they don’t have much in common and she’s made no effort with them for years? Call her up and say “Hi! I’m having a party but you’re not invited.” ?

Seems reasonable to me that if someone never bothers to organise anything and also admits they don't have that much in common with the rest of the group and they don't really share what's going on in their life, is eventually invited less and less.
If the person in question notices it and wants to be in the group, they can make an effort.
What else should they do not to be 'cruel'? Yes someone could have pointed it out that OP doesn't seem to be too interested. But then again, OP has noticed herself she's not putting in the effort, but thought this was all fine anyway.

Thanks to everyone who replied. I have read each and every post at least twice. Some are v kind (thank you!) and some are very honest (also thank you!)

some of the home truths are fair and for me to reflect on. I’m totally burnt out with life shit but so is everyone else but for some reason it makes me withdraw. It’s true that people can’t be expected to wait for me. And many of the people in the group have as much life shit - they all go back a long way and I think I’m socially insecure.

anyway - I shall focus on my smaller friendships and I might eventually explore why I find rejection so hard. I definitely base my self worth around my friends and actually, this has made me realise that it’s not at all emotionally healthy. But it would take months of talking around my shitty upbringing and trauma to sort and I don’t have the headspace for that just now. One day.

on the non drinking bit - I don’t drink due to a family health issue but lots of my friends do and it’s not really an issue. But I would agree that around a group which really involves drink for socialising, that’s not an easy mix. And I think that is the upshot here.

i still do think i need to toughen up and, yes, perhaps be less self absorbed. Im still amazed when anyone likes me and as i have lots of lovely friends, really should have got over that by now!

thanks MN (xx)

Be kind to yourself! Every single one of us has something not quite perfect... some of us have lots of somethings!

Just put on a smile, focus on the things dear to you and don't let the past dictate the future.

OP- I admire you for taking the comments on the chin and self reflecting - thats a very brave thing to do. We could all do with doing that ourselves.

Regarding your question though: "I might eventually explore why I find rejection so hard". You absolutely do NOT need to trawl through your traumatic childhood memories for this one. It just needs to be re-framed because its a faulty assumption. Your friends are not "rejecting you"- they are simply moving on with plans with people who are engaging in their social circle. You admit that you withdraw when stressed. This is not "rejection" from them- thats a faulty assumption and its causing you all this stress in the first place. It's also what most of us in this thread have been trying to tell you.

There is no "rejection" here. They are friends choosing to spend time with other friends whom they feel close to. They dont feel close to you because you have withdrawn and arent reciprocating. Thats literally it. Re-framing this as something completely neutral - neither good nor bad, will help you stop being so bothered by it.

It is rarely what actually happens to us that upsets us, its the meaning we give it.

Yeah I don’t see this as rejection either, unless you feel you not inviting them, is rejection and you rejected them first?

the sad truth is you didn’t engage, you didn’t invite them out, organise anything or reciprocate, so they have moved on. That’s not rejection, it also isn’t not waiting for you. It is matching your behaviour, they are treating you like you’ve treated them.

relationships have to be two way. No one likes it all one way where they give and someone always takes.

they simply matched your own behaviour.

OP, I congratulate you on reading and being grateful for everyone's comments.

I've also had to do some thinking about my friendships and their different levels and honestly it really does serve you well. When you are self reflecting something to bear in mind - "if you compassion does not extend to yourself, it is incomplete". So be kind to yourself. We are all on a journey and sometimes we lose perspective