For crying age 50 as I feel left out! Help me toughen up?

[BeethovenNinth]

go gently….am I being pathetic and just need to get a grip?!

group of local mums - known for being cliquey - started asking me to stuff a few years ago. Our kids are friendly. It was nice to be asked; I don’t drink and am probably not quite cool enough. I live in a small community and have some lovely friends but not a huge number and can feel lonely. I was left out of stuff for a time at high school and don’t do well with rejection from friends

I have had a very tough few years, one of my kids is chronically unwell, lots on, my husband has had some issues. Life is v busy and I’m peri menopausal. I therefore work hard to keep myself well. I don’t generally overshare; I am a coper. So it’s not that I am negative - I am generally positive and happy despite my life shit! I’m generally a nice soul, and have nice friends but tend to meet one or two friends for a walk/event.

Gradually I am being excluded from stuff - there is yet another party I haven’t been invited to tonight and I’m sat feeling 15 years old again and horribly sad and left out. I suspect it’s because our kids have slightly drifted meaning this group, as I thought, only asked me as the kids were friends.

they are nice people, I suspect it’s either an oversight or because the friendship isn’t strong enough. But why are some women so mean?! I just don’t behave this way myself and am always careful to make sure no one feels left out.

i want to toughen up and move on. We are on a WhatsApp and I need to protect my mental health and leave with grace I think rather than spend nights feeling sad. They don’t hugely discuss these social nights on this chat now - there is another chat I think and I find out from the kids when stuff is on that I haven’t been invited to.

has anyone been through similar? I don’t want to flounce from the group - maybe just say the kids are growing up and I am trying to trim my WhatsApp groups?

thank you to anyone reading this far!

Hugs op. You don’t need to toughen up. It’s ok to feel hurt ❤️
is there any volunteer groups or running clubs etc near you? Getting out and meeting new people might help xx

Groups are made up of a mixture of closer friendships. If you aren’t close to any of the individual members then you will drift from the group. Concentrate on 1:1 friendships and the groups will generate from that.

I have a friend that lives in a studio flat hence. not really room to host people there. It's certainly it stopped her arranging get togethers at other places Whether it be the music in the park day( which is free) with a picnic or quiz night at the pub

No law that says you need to be doing dinner parties etc

This is classic Mn ‘cliques and exclusions everywhere’ thinking. For a start, we have no idea whether lots of people or just the OP weren’t invited to the party.

For another, this party was presumably hosted by one person, or one couple, who invited the people they wanted to invite, and didn’t invite people they felt no particular connection to. It’s highly unlikely to have involved a group of Mean Girls with a list issuing groupthink invitations and pointedly leaving out the OP because she’s not cool enough.

My experience of womens friendship groups is that if there is anything that marks you out as 'other' - you will find yourself excluded. You state that you don't drink; you don't reciprocate social gatherings; your husband isn't great at socialising; you're not an oversharer.

People are always going to be drawn to people similar to themselves - its human nature. If they are a group of women who enjoy the Prosecco and having a good old gossip and they see you as not joining in, then they are going to see you as not being the right fit.

They aren't being mean. They simply aren't your people. Don't give them another thought and focus your attention of finding people who are much more you. I know it feels incredibly hurtful as it takes us right back to being at school, but I think a certain amount of acceptance is needed with the ways of womens friendship groups.

I did like them, I thought most of them were very nice early on, but as time went by they revealed their characters and some of them turned out to be rather horrible. Especially when I was the only one not to be invited (by the cattiest who was organising it) to a Christmas outing.
Of course people chose their friends, what an odd thing to say, I chose to not have any of them as my friends anymore. And why do you think people choose one person over another? Because some are nicer than others, so you generally chose people you think are nice. Sme of the nicer ones had left by that point and had gone back to full time work. I kept in touch with them.
I've moved around the place quite a lot too, America for a short while, then back to the north of England, then Scotland and then the south east. I've had plenty of experience fitting in and sussing out new people. Don't assume because someone mentions one situation that they don't base their actions on experiences or common sense

All his hand ringing about "cliques" and being excluded is just bloody weird. People apparently desperate to be included into groups of women who they themselves describe as cliquey, mean and bitchy.

It rather begs the question- why on earth are you so desperate to be included into a group of women you yourself, describe in such derogatory terms? why?

If the "cliques" wont include you then why not start your own little group of friends- people whom you like and trust. Surely, seeking out like minded people who you get on with and inviting them out for coffee is a far healthier use of time than constantly trying to force yourself into a group of people you admit you dont even like...

Why is it that the people constantly moaning about being excluded never initiate their own friendship groups?

I agree with this.

I also think it's worth bearing in mind that friendship groups are allowed to be exclusive. Not everything has to be inclusive. Women do not have to include everyone or #bekind and not doing so doesn't make women mean.

Sending hugs. Watch Motherland and realise that they are basically Amanda's tribe - you're not missing out. Xx

IMO it's worth pointing out that if someone came on here and posted about their friend "Jane" who they constantly invited to nights out and parties, only for Jane to never reciprocate, they'd be told it was fine to drop her and no longer make the effort to give out invites anymore.

Friendship is a two-way street. You can't expect to constantly receive a stream of invites to social occasions when you never bother doing anything for those people in return.

If you want to maintain a friendship with someone you have to put the effort in. And yes, that often means going out when you're knackered, or talking on the phone when you'd rather zone out in front of the TV.

So you didn’t like them, once they’d revealed their true characters to you, then. In which case, why on earth complain about their fickleness? Why would you want people you’d realised (presumably, if by the time you over heard the other person say ‘It’s only @deadpan’ your child was 2 or 3) you didn’t like to be enthusiastic about being your friend?

What seems to have catapulted you into ‘not choosing to have them as your friends’ was realising they weren’t crazy about you. That doesn’t make them bad people.

Sorry OP. That is hurtful. To be honest I agree with posters who have talked about parents friendships changing when children move on. I recently invited two 'mum friends' to the pub for a catch up to watch them arrange another evening out (just the two of them with their children) as their children as such 'good friends'. They also discussed the possibility of a trip to Europe .

It is hurtful and it has made me think about taking a step back from them And prioritising other things / friends.

So you don’t plan events, don’t invite them to anything, don’t ask on the chat about any events and the friendships aren’t very strong… why would they invite you? You don’t sound like you’d want to go anyway.

YANBU OP. I never know what to say to people in this situation other than: some people are self-absorbed dicks with no real care or empathy for others. I'm seeing this more and more, and women are worse than men. You need to go and find the people who are worth investing in.

If it's any consolation these women often don't realise that the spinner can very quickly turn in their direction. Anything that marks them as being 'different' can mean they very quickly become the next 'you'. A divorce, a disability, becoming a widow, a child with SEN.

I'm seeing this more and more, and women are worse than men

Really?

I guess I am finding the fact that the majority of horrific violent crimes are committed by men to be a pretty good indicator of a lack of "empathy".

How has she invested, what are you talking about. She’s never invited them to anything, invested nothing from her side, just enjoyed their hospitality. So what, she now needs to find someone else who will jist keep giving and she can keep taking?

Are you sure that wasn’t about getting the kids together?

What empathy has she shown them?

In this case I really think that it probably is because of the kids drifting away and isn't personal or anything to do with you. It happens a lot.

I can understand why you're upset though - it's a shitty feeling no matter what age you are. Take heart in that its not personal and you'll likely go on to have closer connections elsewhere. Let this lot go.

So the people who kindly invited OP to their group and kept inviting her to events and parties, without her ever reciprocating, (because she has a lot going on, you see, while nobody else from that group has a life) - they are self-absorbed dicks?

And no offence to the OP, who sounds lovely, but what makes her more worthy than the rest? Why do some automatically assume that the others are in the wrong?

I dont think you read this thread properly because this is absolutely true, by @G5000 :

So the people who kindly invited OP to their group and kept inviting her to events and parties, without her ever reciprocating, (because she has a lot going on, you see, while nobody else from that group has a life) - they are self-absorbed dicks?

I also think the OP sounds like a nice person, but it's also true that she hasnt reciprocated the friendship or invitations offered to her, in which case, its hardly surprising that her friends have drifted away 🤷‍♀️

Exactly.

The others could have been going through just as much "shit" yet they still made the effort to reach out and include her. OP fully admits she didn't bother and didn't have the headspace, yet she managed to turn to everything she was invited to.

People don't like feeling taken for granted.

Adults tend to want to hang out with people with lots in common. If you meet people via an activity (club, sports group etc) then you've naturally got something to talk about. If its via scholl the commonality tends to be social circumstances e.g. Kids that get along, similar types of families etc.

As a single parent of asn kids I tried really hard to be part of the big parent groups at school but ultimately there's a massive gap between our lives. It means I either have to gloss over stuff, or often end up feeling a bit like I've dampened a lovely conversation about e.g. upcoming holiday plans or how wonderful parent evening feedback was etc.

It doesn't sound like you have much in common with these mums and that's ok.