For crying age 50 as I feel left out! Help me toughen up?

[BeethovenNinth]

go gently….am I being pathetic and just need to get a grip?!

group of local mums - known for being cliquey - started asking me to stuff a few years ago. Our kids are friendly. It was nice to be asked; I don’t drink and am probably not quite cool enough. I live in a small community and have some lovely friends but not a huge number and can feel lonely. I was left out of stuff for a time at high school and don’t do well with rejection from friends

I have had a very tough few years, one of my kids is chronically unwell, lots on, my husband has had some issues. Life is v busy and I’m peri menopausal. I therefore work hard to keep myself well. I don’t generally overshare; I am a coper. So it’s not that I am negative - I am generally positive and happy despite my life shit! I’m generally a nice soul, and have nice friends but tend to meet one or two friends for a walk/event.

Gradually I am being excluded from stuff - there is yet another party I haven’t been invited to tonight and I’m sat feeling 15 years old again and horribly sad and left out. I suspect it’s because our kids have slightly drifted meaning this group, as I thought, only asked me as the kids were friends.

they are nice people, I suspect it’s either an oversight or because the friendship isn’t strong enough. But why are some women so mean?! I just don’t behave this way myself and am always careful to make sure no one feels left out.

i want to toughen up and move on. We are on a WhatsApp and I need to protect my mental health and leave with grace I think rather than spend nights feeling sad. They don’t hugely discuss these social nights on this chat now - there is another chat I think and I find out from the kids when stuff is on that I haven’t been invited to.

has anyone been through similar? I don’t want to flounce from the group - maybe just say the kids are growing up and I am trying to trim my WhatsApp groups?

thank you to anyone reading this far!

I'm nearly 50 and couldn't be bothered with any of this. I have teens and young adults now and well out of the primary years though which is maybe a blessing.

I turned 50 just this month, and have been experiencing a whole range of emotions, including feeling lonely and isolated.

I just have a few close friends, but not part of a group. They are separate friends who don't know each other.

I don't know if this is something that might work for you, but I have recently joined a local Book club.
There will be women of all ages, and some you might connect with and make new friends.

Don't feel that it's something you are doing wrong. It isn't.

This exact thing happened to me when my eldest was in primary school. They were v cool (and in my case 1 was a celebrity); I loved our friendship and we had brilliant nights but they gradually iced me (it was led by one woman who always liked me a little less). I also have rejection issues from school so it made me feel like shit. I deleted their numbers and stopped instigating
meet ups and eventually just stopped seeing them. I look back now and it is quite sad how rubbish I felt. I don’t know why some women do this, and operate as a group or gang that can’t be separated but it hurts like hell. I’ve just been invited to a 50th by one of them. I think they feel like they didn’t act badly because it’s obvious to them I was never part of the group.

I went through something similar a few years ago when I was around the same age as you. I felt very left out and rejected but then had a word with myself...I wasn't 12 again and didn't need these people to make me feeling wanted (or unwanted as was the case). And yes, it stirred up feelings I hadn't had since school which made me realise they were acting like school children.

I decided the best course of action for me was to cut all ties with them. No flouncing or announcements but gently faded away from all chats. I felt so much better for it and if I happen to bump into any of them (which I did), I was friendly and kept conversation light.

I hope you find some new friends who don't act like adolescents. 💐

I agree with this. You don't drink, you don't show vulnerability, you accept invitations but don't reciprocate. I understand everything you've said about your inner feelings, circumstances and your good intentions, OP - but it sounds as though you may come over as standoffish. You've probably given the impression that you are the one who sees them as "good enough for now" only.

I mean, its natural and normal to feel hurt. It's okay to feel that you need a different kind of social life, and to start working on that. I'm simply chiming with others that the other women aren't necessarily cliquey or freezing you out, more that you've been retreating from them for some time.

I completely get that you feel hurt but I really don’t think they are being mean. And it’s pretty unfair to label a whole group as mean when it’s a party being hosted by just one of them.

I would spend some time reflecting on the different levels of friendships and what we each need to do to keep our friendships alive and flourishing. I also do not think at all that these women do not like you or that this was deliberate. It’s a combination of circumstances.

I agree.

Make your own friends. I never bothered that much with fellow school mums, formed a loose friendship with a couple. However my main friends were outside of that sphere and I went to work and had friends there.

Thank goodness there was no whats app in my day :). I hear more and more of this sort of thing and, frankly, couldn't be bothered with it.

Just be yourself and get on with your own life. Being fifty is great and has nothing to do with anything.

I agree

Your story does show that the non-hosting friends have shared their reasons why - and probably regret - giving the group an opportunity to support them with this. Somebody fiercely proud of being a 'coper' wouldn't expose herself this way. We do expect a degree of openness from friends, and respect them for it.

As my therapist once said to me: you need to find ‘your’ people! If this current friendship group doesn’t serve you positively in any way, leave the WhatsApp group - you don’t need these ‘nice’ people!
P.s - This also has nothing to do with you not drinking or organising gatherings either!

"they are nice people, I suspect it’s either an oversight or because the friendship isn’t strong enough. But why are some women so mean?! I just don’t behave this way myself and am always careful to make sure no one feels left out."

This seems unfair to me. Neither of the reasons you speculate on here make them "mean". During my early parenting years I had a couple of instances where 'mum friendships' were misinterpreted and I inadvertently hurt people's feelings (1 in particular and it was really awful for both of us) because they thought our friendship was much stronger than it was (our kids stopped hanging out and it became obvious that we had very different expectations of what our relationship was).

It's made me wary of being too nice to people in case they get the wrong idea, feel like I owe them something, and then conclude that I'm a bad person if I don't then deliver on that. I've seen several negative adjectives used to describe this group of women on your thread that have hit pretty hard.

I wonder how much you have considered their perspective. You admit that you aren't really strong friends, and your kids don't hang out together any more, yet you feel they have some responsibility to "not make you feel excluded".

From my perspective, I often organise social events but if someone repeatedly says no or never reciprocates I start to wonder if they are friends, and stop asking.

Have you asked them to things?

I have seen cliques for years and years, for me it start in primary school when I was 7 years old; I was subjected to a very unpleasant experience and I vowed to never let anyone manipulate me like that again!

I have noticed it in various forms through the years of education, starting work, getting married, having babies……the list goes on. I am now a community and charity volunteer and I’m still seeing cliques.

Occasionally, I personally feel excluded but more often I just let it go, I can’t change these people although I am in a position now where I am responsible for ensuring equality amongst a wider organisation group and there has been incidents reported to me where someone has claimed they were being bullied. This has to be investigated and mostly it is a case of the complainant perhaps wasn’t invited to lunch with certain other people and then took umbrage because “xxxx was invited so why not me”.

People can be very fickle and some like nothing more than playing ‘top dog’ and being ‘gang leader’ ……I just think they are very sad and need certain individuals around them to manage their egos.

If this is the case then they are awful.

Maybe invite just a few of them for coffee or something? Do you feel closer to any in particular?

@BeethovenNinth Sending you the biggest hug. It’s really not you.

I could have written your post word for word as the same has happened to me.

My dc have left primary now but the mum friends have stayed friendly but not with me. I think it’s because their dc did all did the same hobby and my dc didn’t. So therefore for me out of mind out of sight.

I sometimes bump into them individually around town out and will have a really long chat with them and they always say we must catch up sometime. However, I never initiate anything and neither do they. The reason I don’t initiate anything as I think they don’t mean it.

The group are friendly and lovely there’s been no falling out but sadly I never made it onto the WhatsApp group post primary.

I do feel sad when I look at their photos of them out at events but accept I’m no longer in the clique. It’s tough but there’s nothing I can do.

I feel for you I really do but sadly you need to move on and focus on other friends or look for friends elsewhere.

Yes, exactly.
I would just leave and concentrate on the good friends I do have and then invest time in doing other things I enjoy and hopefully meet more people I like.

It just doesn’t sound like they are your people, OP. Hand on heart- do you actually enjoy spending time with them- do you come away feeling happy and good about yourself and that way you feel when you’re with good friends you love who also completely get you? If not, honestly, life is too short. I don’t mean flounce or ignore them, a chat when you bump into them is fine, but don’t invest any energy thinking about any more than that.

I have travelled around a lot and had to make whole new groups of friends more times than I think is natural, something I don’t find easy - and there is nothing more soul destroying than that group of friends that are nice ‘enough’, but get on better with each other and you just don’t quite fit. I’ve tried for years with some of those groups, but now I recognise very early on in interactions with new people whether it’s going to work. Don’t focus on feeling flattered they asked you or worried about whether you’re cool enough- ask yourself ‘do I actually like this person? Do they seem interested in me, do they genuinely care about me? Do I come away from spending time with them feeling like we’ve put the world to rights and I can’t wait for our next catch up- or do I feel awkward or drained or a bit flat?’ If the latter- no drama, doesn’t mean they’re an awful person, wish them well (in your head!) with their own tribe and move on. There is nothing wrong with you! Sympathies though because it feels rough!

That's sad on so many levels, need to drink or get sloshed to have fun.
If that's their attitude, you no fun unless you drink , then that says more about them really. Which ever way you look at it, this is not your tribe, so stick with your real friends who care about you instead, might be one or two but that is far better.

You said another friend felt left out from the group too.
some women still continue with the mean girl, teenage cliques in adulthood. Some groups survive on it being someone else’s turn and the group feed on fear that it could be them and not wanting to be excluded.
it’s awful feeling left out, I’d nurture friendships with others. Arrange a coffee meet up or something with people who aren’t like the others. This group, even when you’re in, you’ll never feel relaxed and in a secure friendship group. You are better off out of it. And it’s so ok to feel hurt.

I don’t actually think they’ve done anything wrong. You’ve been reliant on invites from them without making the effort to organise anything yourself.
I would just do a slow fade from the group, if that’s what you want to do. No big announcements. People drift apart. It happens. That’s life.
I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad about it though. You do sound like a lovely person and I’m sure the rejection isn’t personal. I do wonder if counselling might help you to deal with these feelings, which stem from your youth. All the best x

This happened to me. I think I was only invited as I lived close by and the kids were quite friendly. As soon as the kids drifted, I was no longer invited and over time, I never even got a glance or a hello at the school gates. Some people are just superficial and they're really not worth worrying about.

If you are close enough to have a deep conversation about their challenges around cooking, are close friends of many years of course a lack of reciprocity may be over looked, because the connection runs far deeper than mere who is dong what.

But that’s not the case here, these friends are new and situational, they already sound close to each other but not with op. They don’t owe her invites if she hasn’t once invited them back or even organised a coffee in town etc. it’s not the same. The onus was on op to make the effort and show she cares etc.

If you see cliques everywhere you go, perhaps that says something about your perspective?

I see groups where I'm on the periphery, but don't consider them cliques

I think if you want to be part of a sociable set, you have to host sometimes. I used to get a bit pissed off with people who were always keen to be invited but could never quite make the effort to shop and cook and decorate the house and host and clear up afterwards sometimes, in return for all the invitations they accept. It's a lot of work and expense. And age 50 most people are juggling several issues: teens, work, perimenopause, elderly parents, health issues. You are unlikely to have more of these than your party-hosting friends, they just also keep quiet about it.

This is quite common on here, but when probed it often turns out the person complaining and being excluded never ever takes the initiative and invites either, and I’m not talking massive house parties, but round for dinner or drinks, or a night out.

friendships are two way, you can’t expect to sit back and be invited to stuff all the time and never ever make an effort back, never take the initiative. If you just sit back and expect people to always make the effort for you, and you never have to do the same, you will eventually be excluded. Why would they keep making the effort when nothing is offered in return.

i get there is reasons you’ve never reciprocated, but honestly these women aren’t being mean, it’s simply a one way relationship and you didn’t make the effort like they did, so they have had enough,