For crying age 50 as I feel left out! Help me toughen up?

[BeethovenNinth]

go gently….am I being pathetic and just need to get a grip?!

group of local mums - known for being cliquey - started asking me to stuff a few years ago. Our kids are friendly. It was nice to be asked; I don’t drink and am probably not quite cool enough. I live in a small community and have some lovely friends but not a huge number and can feel lonely. I was left out of stuff for a time at high school and don’t do well with rejection from friends

I have had a very tough few years, one of my kids is chronically unwell, lots on, my husband has had some issues. Life is v busy and I’m peri menopausal. I therefore work hard to keep myself well. I don’t generally overshare; I am a coper. So it’s not that I am negative - I am generally positive and happy despite my life shit! I’m generally a nice soul, and have nice friends but tend to meet one or two friends for a walk/event.

Gradually I am being excluded from stuff - there is yet another party I haven’t been invited to tonight and I’m sat feeling 15 years old again and horribly sad and left out. I suspect it’s because our kids have slightly drifted meaning this group, as I thought, only asked me as the kids were friends.

they are nice people, I suspect it’s either an oversight or because the friendship isn’t strong enough. But why are some women so mean?! I just don’t behave this way myself and am always careful to make sure no one feels left out.

i want to toughen up and move on. We are on a WhatsApp and I need to protect my mental health and leave with grace I think rather than spend nights feeling sad. They don’t hugely discuss these social nights on this chat now - there is another chat I think and I find out from the kids when stuff is on that I haven’t been invited to.

has anyone been through similar? I don’t want to flounce from the group - maybe just say the kids are growing up and I am trying to trim my WhatsApp groups?

thank you to anyone reading this far!

I'd guess that this has a lot to do with it.

I have been in your position it doesn’t feel nice at the time. The mums were all friendly from when we had our babies some went to school together but drifted apart in secondary school. One mum was the one who had to control all social events didnt like it when anyone said no to her. I thought she was my friend but she used me for free childcare. I soon realised this and stopped helping out. I was essentially pushed out of the group but looking back I’m glad as some people are very nasty. Speaking to other friends they have had issues with same person so made me feel better that I wasn’t the only one who had issues and I’m happy I’m not part of such a horrible clicky group.

Having said the above, I'm really sorry this is happening to you. Maybe it is a case of finding your tribe. And it doesn't have to be "big parties". Maybe just taking the lead on organising drinks/dinner or something small.

thanks - I so appreciate all comments. Really helpful and honest

they do drink quite a lot and I don’t. Yes it doesn’t help although I’m quite good at socialising sober.

another friend of mine is also on the periphery and she said a number of months ago that the group was making her feel depressed as she felt she wasn’t invited to stuff and I reassured her she wasn’t alone and we had a slightly nervous laugh about it

but equally I think I feel like I’m not quite good enough for them and probably could have arranged something.

but I will prob let it drift.

I wish I was more robust and sure of myself!

You thought they probably invited you mainly because your sons were friends and now the boys have drifted and the invites are drying up. I can understand why you might feel sad about that, but your description of the group and your part in it makes me wonder why you’re surprised.

I apologise if there’s a lot more to this that I just haven’t gleaned from the thread, and I know you’re feeling fragile so please don’t read this as some sort of telling off, it’s not, just trying to show you a different perspective. But it sounds a bit like you’ve been using them. You haven’t mentioned any reason why the women in this group would see you as someone who really liked and appreciated them. It doesn’t sound like you have forged friendships with most of them. Is it fair to say the one woman you are more friendly with also doesn’t gel with them that much? They don’t sound that similar to you (“cooler” and drinkers). You’ve attended things others have put on for years and you haven’t reciprocated?

Where is the actual friendship?

I think it’s really important to separate out feeling sad / lonely / wishing you had a more fulfilling social life from the idea that if people don’t feel close enough to you to invite you out they are being mean or bitchy or cliquey or childish.

We are all allowed to choose our friends 🤷‍♀️

It hurts when we’re not chosen, but that doesn’t mean we are being deliberately marginalised.

I have so little free time that when I get the chance of a social outing, I want to spend that time with people whose company and conversation I actively enjoy, or who I feel particularly close to, or in a group with a dynamic that feels easy.

I don’t feel inclined to invite people along unless I positively and enthusiastically click with them.

I’ve been the on the outside of other people’s social groups plenty of times - and while it’s never comfortable, I find it helpful to recognise that I’m not part of their group because we don’t have enough in common. Not because they’re petty mean girls on a power trip.

All this. It is rarely personal in this type of situation...t's just life. People are busy, suggestions are made for a party or whatever and you have fallen off the radar a bit latey. You probably just need to put yourself out there a bit more and suggest things too and don't get disheartened. For sure people could be so much more thoughtful and inclusive but they just aren't..you cant change them. Hope you find some new friends soon..

Some friendships are convenience, eg the kids are friends, colleagues, neighbours etc, and those rarely last if the circumstances change - only a few do where there is a real kindred spirit spark. Do you actually feel this way about any of those women? Would you miss any of them at all if you didn’t hear they met up or if you moved? Maybe they have bonded more closely than you did with them and that’s ok

If this was a friendship group brought together because your DC were friends, but they are now going their separate ways then it may simply be that the friendship has run its course. I think in life we do have situational friends, and there’s nothing wrong with that. From what you’ve said, you probably like to do different things to the get togethers this group of women tend to have and they probably recognise that, they aren’t necessarily being mean.

Mute the WhatsApp group for a while and arrange a meet up with your other friends, and if there was anyone that you felt you got on with particularly well from this group, maybe arrange a coffee or lunch with them separately .

Mum friends generally aren't lifelong friends and if the kids drift apart so do the Mum's.

Focus on the friends you have and forget the fickle Mum's.

I don't drink either and I do think when people get together to party they like a drink for the most part they want "partners in crime" not someone who will soberly remember every little detail. I've even had people say this to me and it isn't without cause as I have been sat sober late on at some party as people behave pathetically while drunk and thought to myself what a depressing scene. I mean I do get people are just enjoying themselves but I'm out of place.

I have focused on friends who are happy not to drink and enjoy cafe's, art galleries, theatre, concerts and so on without drinking and often see them one on one. I know they might enjoy a party with their other friends where they drink and I'm not invited but that is fine, really I don't want to go.

Why not invite one or two people you feel a connection with out for a sober activity and see if you can build better one on one relationships?

Put the focus on the friends you have and, kindly, stop letting the others live rent free in your head. Do you honestly really want to be their friend... or just part of the clique? Would this honestly bring you true happiness?

I once read 'don't chase anyone.. people will come into your life and the right ones will stay". Repeat this in your mind and eventually you'll start to feel happier.

@BeethovenNinth Friends who warrant posts on AIBU are not friends.

Leave the Whatsapp group. You don't need to provide an explanation - though is they ask for one, this would be an easy 'I don't like being left out of events'.

Go find your people.

Don't leave the group OP, mute and archive it.
Of course it is awful to feel excluded.
I definitely have heard some people say they feel self conscious if they drink among non drinkers.
Their issue, but still.
Try not to take it personally.
But I definitely can understanding the hurt.
Invest in the other friendships and remain upbeat.
I wish you well.

This.

There is a certain type of clique/tribal behaviour into which you either fit or don’t fit, and I don’t think the rules have changed much since school. Sounds like you are more of a one-on-one socializer and you do have some real friends. Do you truly enjoy socializing with this group of non- friends? Just shrug them off and lean into other friendships. You sound like a perfectly lovely person so be true to yourself and don’t let this issue make you sad.

Yes, my anti natal group. One or two women seemed to form a hierarchy, and I was obviously regarded as one of the uncool or boring ones. It wasn't anything I hadn't experienced or heard of before. Childish sniggering at things anyone said they deamed unworthy. But it got to the stage when I arrived at one of their houses in the summer, I opened the side gate to go in the garden and heard one of them say something like "ooh I wonder who it is". My daughter, aged about 2-3 walked ahead and the same catty cow said loudly "oh it's only --" I then sat there on the grass feining interest in their shallow chit chat and bringing potties out with wee in to show everyone so they could all clap a round of applause.
I never saw them again or went to any gatherings, cut ties completely. The only regret I had was not doing it sooner.
I know it's hard in a new place, I had only moved to this town when I was pregnant with afore mentioned daughter, but trying to be a part of a fickle bunch of numpties is harder.

You say you don’t have the headspace to host, but you do have the headspace to attend. You hsve the headspace to notice when you haven’t been invited.

I am on the other side of this, and I get sick and tired of people coming to stuff, but never ever putting themselves out or hosting anything. It is rude to continue to accept invites from the group without reciprocating in some way - and you will soon be dropped from a group if it continues. Why would they continue to invite and host you?

Although your personal circumstances will buy some good will, the fact you have the energy to attend but not to host won’t have been missed.

The core group will be the ones really investing their time and effort into making life fun, and doing things together. They will be sharing many milestones together like 50ths etc that will be bonding. Why didn’t you organise anything? You had the perfect opportunity.

Genuinely op, if you want them to be ‘proper’ friends you do need to make more of an effort.

Groups are definitely harder, and one to one friendships tend to be easier to maintain. Maybe you don’t have the capacity to give back to a group, but that’s hardly their problem is it?

Your child may well now suffer a little socially as he may feel left out now too, so make sure he has plenty of other friends, and try to ease him away if you can. You don’t want his self esteem damaged.

It sounds like you have already given up, you sound defeatist saying you will just let it drift. That is a conscious choice and they can’t be blamed. You could choose another course of action and step up your efforts and hist something lovely if it mattered to you. The fact is you can’t or don’t want to - please own your decision.

I’d guess so, too. They might feel judged.

why are women so mean

It doesn't sound like they've purposely left you out. Your kids aren't friends anymore. That's really the only connection school mums usually have.

I don't think women are so mean at all.

You sound like you have really low self esteem and you need to work on that.

So you have the effort to do what you choose only and are now blaming them because they only put effort in when you accept your way, being friends should be mutual

Why would they do anything for you? You have made your position clear

Some people really enjoy hosting and others not so much. I have a friend who has people over for dinner all the time as she loves cooking, has a massive kitchen and is very sociable. Some of the group never host because their personal circumstances are difficult or they find hosting challenging. We all understand that and nobody has ever commented on it or excluded anyone on that basis. Kindness towards those who aren’t as able to reciprocate in kind is a lovely quality as friendships bring all sorts of benefits that aren’t material.

Many friends are situational. And that's ok. I've had great colleagues in the past but lost contact once we no longer worked together

You don't host, chose a small family event for your 50th, and prefer to go for a walk. I think it's understandable that invitations have become less frequent

On MN, people are quick to dismiss other women as bitchy cliques. I think better to focus on building self esteem so you don't take it so personally when you're not invited to things

Choose you @BeethovenNinth. When I say that own who you are, perhaps go into therapy around this rejection. Do you find you have to change yourself to fit in at all? I’ve found as soon as I chose me, I went to an outstanding Psycologist who helped me work through (and she still does) decades of trauma, I’m not longer that fawning people pleaser. I am me, my vulnerable authentic me and the people who can ‘cope’ with that see me and I’m literally inundated with things to do, I dont drink either and honestly I’m not overly keen on large gatherings anymore.

choose you.

I honestly would not worry about the group of mums that meet up and drink. You sound a quality person and have a few friends. I wd personally stick to those.