AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

[sohappens]

Genuinely not sure if I’m in the wrong or not! Brief backstory - met my boyfriend 18 months ago. All good and very happy. We introduced our kids into it about 4 months ago. Again all good, we all get along. I have two boys aged 10 and 13, he has 2 girls similiar ages. I’m a high earner, he isn’t. This isn’t an issue, he pays his way and works hard in a job he loves- it’s a role that serves vulnerable people and he’s amazing at it. Anyway the issue is his ex (the girls’ mum). I give my boys £20 each a week pocket money. Once we all started spending time together as a family, I started giving the same to the girls. They’re all sensible ish with the money. They spend it on shit on Roblox but they all save too. The mum only found out when the girls brought her a £50 birthday present and she asked where they got the money from. She’s gone mad about it- saying I’m trying to buy their love and that it’s too much money for their ages. She has demanded that I stop. What do you think?

£20 a week is a lot for those ages. I'd not be happy with that if I was their mum either. My 11 year old gets £5 a week and this is more than enough. My 16 year old gets £10 a week and saves it mostly. He might spend a quarter of it per month.
I think you need to speak to their mum and explain your reasoning, but also be prepared to respect her wishes. If it was coming from their dad it would be different, but I'd presume then that he would have spoken to his ex about what is reasonable before giving it.

Vivienne- can I ask why you wouldn’t be happy about it ?

I think it’s a lot for your kids and the step ones, but very kind to treat them all equally. This is a very hard one to square.

Obviously because its either more than mum gives, which is way overstepping, or less, which means kids are getting £40pw pocket money, which is insane.

Bacon why is it insane?

£20 a week is a lot. I think you should be respectful of her wishes and at least give less.

I think you should have checked with her via their dad before you started giving them money, it's a bit of an overstep. It's kind of you though

The girls clearly don’t see it as you buying their love. They spent half of it on their mum!!! They sound lovely children.

Yes but why?? Everyone is saying it’s too much but why is it too much? x

They are lovely. They also donate to a couple of charities too bless them

I think that’s a lot for that age. I appreciate it’s a kind gesture but i also wouldn’t like it if my DCs dad’s partner did it. Mainly because the mum will have own thoughts on teaching money at that age.

Me and my ex dh agreed the same amount (£5) to pay our DC each week, it’s nothing to do with his girlfriend, nor would I expect her to pay.

You have only known them 4 months and you are giving them £20 a week each!
I can very well understand why their mother is not pleased.

I feel bad treating them differently from my boys though- but I also don’t want any conflict

It doesn’t matter why we think it’s too much, or why you don’t think so, their MUM thinks so. That is literally all that matters. You’re not their parent, you thought you were being kind but their actual parent is not happy with that so that’s the end of it.

But WHY???

Respect their mums wishes, get a good relationship going from the start. You really don't want to die on this hill.
If she is the main carer, I would definitely agree with her terms, I would be livid if my ex partners girlfriend started giving my children this amount of money each week. You are overstepping.

Yeah but it does matter- I’m asking for opinions

She isn’t the main carer. He is. She has them every other weekend.

Livid? Really? Why?

its a lot for preteens, especially if they are getting some from their own mum.

I think she's right.

You've known them 4 months - they are not your 'step daughters'.

Their pocket money should be decided and paid to them by their dad.

I think you are being very generous in treating DC equally. I would suggest at 10 though that at least half must be saved each week. I can see if all 4 DC are together it would be difficult if your DC have money and partners DC don't.

They’re not. She can barely support herself - dad covers everything

Because it’s £80 a month. A 10 year old doesn’t need £80 a month, they haven’t earned it, it could breed entitled behaviour. What happens if you break up? Is the mum expected to pay £160 a month in pocket money, or see her daughters disappointed?

My children are older than yours, we are a high income family and we don’t pay that much, we’d rather save the money for their future, they get a smaller amount for spends. It’s a parental decision, you’re overstepping (but I do think it’s lovely you’re trying to treat them equally, perhaps channel it another way, in days out or something).

I'd respect the mums wishes. Some people will be very uncomfortable with children being given gifts and money as it's associated with grooming.