AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

[sohappens]

Genuinely not sure if I’m in the wrong or not! Brief backstory - met my boyfriend 18 months ago. All good and very happy. We introduced our kids into it about 4 months ago. Again all good, we all get along. I have two boys aged 10 and 13, he has 2 girls similiar ages. I’m a high earner, he isn’t. This isn’t an issue, he pays his way and works hard in a job he loves- it’s a role that serves vulnerable people and he’s amazing at it. Anyway the issue is his ex (the girls’ mum). I give my boys £20 each a week pocket money. Once we all started spending time together as a family, I started giving the same to the girls. They’re all sensible ish with the money. They spend it on shit on Roblox but they all save too. The mum only found out when the girls brought her a £50 birthday present and she asked where they got the money from. She’s gone mad about it- saying I’m trying to buy their love and that it’s too much money for their ages. She has demanded that I stop. What do you think?

It’s still not something the OP should be getting involved in. The only appropriate reaction would be to apologise and backpedal out of the scenario. Doubling down makes it something else entirely.

I've just reread, you've only known them 4 months and calling yourself a lovely family! You don't live together so why do you feel you have to match pocket money? Genuinely confused.
Catch yourself on OP.

No the father is making parenting level decision and he’s the resident parent. If he says it’s ok that’s up to him.

If a SM was in a relationship with a wealthy SF who wanted to give her children the same amount as his own - and her ex kicked off, everyone in here would say it was the ex BU.

Why? Because children are impressionable and she may be worried you’re giving them money will influence how much favour you carry with them. She might be worried about what they spend it on. She might be worried that having too much money as this young age will hinder teaching them the value of money.

More than all of the above, she might be pissed off because you’re new in their life and are already challenging her parenting decisions as if you have the right too. You don’t.

It’s a fine amount @sohappens if their dad is ok with it and they are being sensible and not spending all on sweets, my girls of the same age get £10 a week (I’m a normal earner I guess), so it’s all relative and if I had step children I wouldn’t want them to miss out and would treat them the same as my Dc if their dad was ok with it (and again being sensible enough).

they sound lovely and it’s not buying their love it’s being fair.

Their mum is probably worried that you'll become "the fun parent" in their eyes and hold it against her. My colleague had something similar...she was so intent on not being the wicked stepmother that she went the other way - always giving her stepson gifts, outings, and possibly letting him off with behaviour that his mum (and dad) would not tolerate (and which my colleague did not have to reap the consequences of). In his stroppy teenage years there were a few occasions where he threw it at his mum that "stepmother would let me do this, or stepmother would buy that." It's a very fine balancing act.

ive not heard anything on here that’s made me think I’m doing anything wrong other than not abiding by the mum’s wishes - and I’m not convinced I should have to, not when the dad and primary carer is ok with it

Genuinely interested in why you think people would’ve assumed you were well off based on pocket money and why you think that would factor into well meaning suggestions about why this dynamic isn’t great?

£20 a week is a lot and probably above the norm, but I think it’s lovely you are treating them the same as your children. You can’t win sometimes

It would only be appropriate to backpedal if DP and his ex disapproved. If he’s ok with it, why would contradict him and obey his addict ex?

It’s pretty obvious that you’re not interested in any thoughtful and practical feedback from other mothers. I’m not sure why you made this post.

Best of luck to you, genuinely, though. It’s very early on to be this involved in these girls lives so I do genuinely hope that it works out well for all of you. From what you’ve said it sounds like they have been through a lot already and so another situation breaking down would be pretty awful for them. I’m sure you’re proceeding very carefully.

Tbh I think its fine, but it all depends. Some families this is a lot of money to give, esp if you are giving 20 to 4 kids! I give my older two around 15 pocket money to buy snacks or food after school each week, sometimes 20 depending. They don't get home until 5pm. I think it is very kind of you to also give to your stepkids....as many would not. The mother should be greatly. Perhaps she is jealous.

Well if she’s not happy with the amount now, how will she react if you was to drop it to say, a fiver which will then be £15 less than what your kids will be getting?

I hope you’re right, it does sound like these girls have been through a huge amount and so I can only hope that this new situation is stable for them. Early days, though?

If their dad is happy with it then I don’t see the problem, especially if they are with him 90% of the time.

I think £20 is about right for that age, my 6 year old gets £10 a week. I used to get £15 a week at your DCs age, 15 years ago. Things cost a lot these days.

She's worried a)that they will think less of her as she can't offer this b) worried you and the dad will split and they kids will get hurt c) that the kids will become spoilt (this is a lot for some people).

In most circumstances I would take the Mum’s side - it’s too much money, it’s overstepping the OP’s very tenuous parental role, it feels like OP is buying their affection.

But the Mum is a drug addict who has relinquished custody of her children. OP is treating the children equally, according to her values the money is not “too much”, and the Dad is fine with it. On balance it seems fine to me.

You say their dad is the resident parent. Is he aware of and comfortable with the arrangement? I can understand why you want to treat the children equally, but it also feels quite soon to be doing this. I do think it's a lot of money every week for kids their age, and my concern would be if you split up, and they are used to this, it would be difficult for them to go back to having very little again. If you were all living together, then of course I can see that all children being treated equally would be the right thing to do.

However, I think it should be their dad that has the final say on this, not their mum, as she can't dictate how he does things when the children are with him. If he decides that he wants to go with mum's wishes and not upsetting the apple cart, you will need to respect that at this stage in your relationship.

Because by most people's standards, that is an excessive amount of pocket money for children of that age, irrespective of the parent's finances.
I can understand why you included your sc in the pocket money allowance but I am assuming that they live predominantly with their mum.
In that case, you are not entirely blended and I can understand her upset.
It might have been better to have discussed this with their mum first

Exactly this. Nobody’s jealous you’ve got money OP. You’re making shit decisions because you want to look good. Spending money on kids you’ve known for a few months to curry favour. If anything you’ve said about their mum is true, you’re plying them with cash now and if your relationship with their dad doesn’t pan out, you’re just another woman who’s filled their head full of nonsense and then let them down.

At a guess, a fair few of the posters will be earning more than you and still think you’re wrong.

Can’t you understand not everyone can afford £20 a week pocket money, some months that’s £100 for two kids! You’re overstepping! You’ve clearly got more money than her so respect her parenting wishes! You’re making this about you!

I don't think it is too much if they're financially educated on how to handle money. What's £20/week really? I'll give more if I can afford it. Ofcourse, it will just be monitored and I'll demand accountability regularly, rewarding positive money behaviour and giving consequences to those that mismanage.
I strongly feel money should be demystified to kids. Just educate them and monitor, I can't let my kids see money as something grand or something to be scared of or to be revered, no, if i were their mum, I'll be glad my kids have someone like that in their lives and I'll just demand accountability on how they spend and save the money.
Like I said, THIS IS MY OPINION.
To the poster, I think you should speak to their mum, apologise for overstepping and ask her if she wants you to stop totally, if she says yes, please honour it, you can but shouldn't love them more than their mum, I hope you get what I mean.
But once in a while, buy them moderate gifts.
Or if you love them at much, save it up for them and give them later in life IF you and their dad are still together.

Weldone though, take virtual hugs.

No the live with their dad

Op, let’s start with your kids’ pocket money. 20 pound is A LOT at that age. NatWest advises £3.32 for 10yo, £3.37 for 11yo, £4.05 for 12yo and £4.55 for 13yo. What do you expect your children to spend their pocket money on? Are you happy for them to eat £20 of sweets a week? Are you happy for them to buy £20 of toys every week? Even if they are saving half, are you happy for them to buy £10 sweets every week?

Now what you are doing with your boyfriend’s children is ADDING to whatever pocket money they get from their dad and their mum, so making it higher than £20 a week. First of all, that is way too much pocket money for their age. Secondly, how is that fair to your children? Does your boyfriend also give your children the same amount of pocket money as he gives his own children? Thirdly (and I think this is possibly the most important), you are overstepping their parents role AND wishes. It is NOT your role as their father’s partner to give them pocket money. That is for their dad and mum.

You can give them a gift for their birthday /Christmas etc or pay for extra chores, or give them a treat every now and then. But you should not take up a role which is their parents’.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable, I think it’s really nic- usually the thread is about not wanting to do this, but ultimately the mum probably feels inadequate and annoyed that you can give this when she can’t.