AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

[sohappens]

Genuinely not sure if I’m in the wrong or not! Brief backstory - met my boyfriend 18 months ago. All good and very happy. We introduced our kids into it about 4 months ago. Again all good, we all get along. I have two boys aged 10 and 13, he has 2 girls similiar ages. I’m a high earner, he isn’t. This isn’t an issue, he pays his way and works hard in a job he loves- it’s a role that serves vulnerable people and he’s amazing at it. Anyway the issue is his ex (the girls’ mum). I give my boys £20 each a week pocket money. Once we all started spending time together as a family, I started giving the same to the girls. They’re all sensible ish with the money. They spend it on shit on Roblox but they all save too. The mum only found out when the girls brought her a £50 birthday present and she asked where they got the money from. She’s gone mad about it- saying I’m trying to buy their love and that it’s too much money for their ages. She has demanded that I stop. What do you think?

The purpose of this thread is finally revealed.

No OP, jealousy occurs when you are worried that you will lose something to someone else. You mean envy.

Spend your money on your own children. The girls have two parents. Don’t give them pocket money or buy them presents or pay for school trips etc. £80 a month is way too much money for pocket money.

You should not be giving them anything, THEY ARE NOT YOUR STEPCHILDREN.

She is right about it being too much money for a 10 year old though. 10 year olds don't need £40 a month. You are playing Lady Bountiful and I'm surprised that their dad is OK with it.

They do sound like lovely girls for saving the money to buy their mum a nice birthday present.

You are over stepping the boundaries of a 4 month connection with these girls. You aren’t their step mum, you are their dad’s girlfriend. Even if you were their step mum, things like pocket money should be agreed between the parents.

I’m not anti step mum, I am one, and a step grandma. We have positive relationships with mum and step dad and part of the reason is that we are respectful of each others boundaries

You are massively overstepping.

How would you feel if your children's dads girlfriend started giving them £30 each a week? Would you feel happy about this?

Wouldn’t bother me

I never said or even thought you were. I'm giving you another perspective as you came to a public forum asking. You don't actually seem interested in other perspectives. Were you just looking for people to praise your generosity and say how wicked the mother is?

Inappropriate amount - and respect the mother. They’re not your children unfortunately so you cannot treat them the same.

If thai is true then didn’t you consider the probability that mum will start asking the girls for cash. I suspect that when she received the gift, she thought about the cocaine that she could have bought with the £50. Has she sold the gift yet?

You have known them for 4 months. It is inappropriate for you to be giving them pocket money considering that the relationship could end tomorrow. While you may have wanted to treat the girls the same as your sons, they aren’t your kids and it’s a massive boundary issue.

Why wouldn’t I want my ten year old to have £20 a week even though I could easily afford it?

Because a) that’s a lot more than their peers at school and I don’t want them being “the rich kid” and b) I buy everything they need and more so all that’s left to do with it is buy unhealthy food I don’t want them to have, buy completely unnecessary tat or save it up to buy bigger tat and I don’t want them spending that sort of money on utter crap.

I’d be cross if their actual grandparents started giving them that sort of money, much less a girlfriend who might not be in the picture in six months time.

Seriously, this is not your argument to get involved in. Say you are happy to give the money, and let your boyfriend sort it out with his ex - ultimately it's on his time so the decision is his.

If I was him, I would try to explain to her nicely why I thought it was better and fairer for the kids to have spending money if they will be hanging out with your kids, and I would also reassure her that I was monitoring their spending (seriously, he should set them up with bank accounts he can monitor - he can even share their statements with her if that wouke reassure her).

Bur ultimately I would tell her that, as their parents, I had just as much right as her to make decisions for them during the time they were with me.

And if the kids are genuinely going to start loving you more than they love their mom, simply because you give them cash, then the parents have a far bigger problem to worry about! Children aren't cold hearted psychopaths driven purely by self interest (well, most aren't) - they form deep attachments and are capable of loyalty just like everyone else.

Just don't let them take the money/cards when they go to stay with her, if she isn't happy about it.

I can understand the dilemma and wanting to be fair across all 4 dc. However I also think it's too much and I could probably afford the same for my (similar aged) DC if I wanted to. My objections would be :

1. I want my DC to understand the value of money and £20 a week is way more than they need unless they are buying endless tat and wasting it. That feels like unjustified consumerism to me.

1. Also they need to understand the idea of budgeting in an age appropriate way so a very high weekly allowance doesn't help that.

1. It's very early in your relationship and if it ends, your DC will suddenly feel "poor"/worse off if they don't get this any more. They will feel entitled to a level of allowance that is not sustainable for their parents.

1. I think most parents want to feel they are providing for their DC and you suddenly appearing and splashing the money probably is a bit of a blow to their mother's pride.

Maybe you could move to a more ad-hoc system where you treat them instead ?

I wouldn’t care. What’s more important is what your partner thinks about it. He is their father and is allowed to make decisions for his kids. If mum has an issue with it she should speak to him and sort it out.

£20 a week isn’t excessive if you can afford it. They aren’t spaffing it all on shit. It’s a trip to the cinema or lunch out with a friend. My pocket money covered that when I was that age (albeit, that was cheaper to do back in the day) My daughter gets similar and has since she was in high school. She has am amount in her head she likes to have in her account and slows her spending if it gets close. I see it as good practice for when she is in uni.

Gosh this is an embarrassing post.
You asked a question, people have answered. To suggest jealousy instead of thanking them does you a disservice.

🤭

I'm actually most interested in why you feel it is so important to treat them equally to your own children at this stage. I think the amount you are giving is irrelevant and therefore you being financially well off is irrelevant. Are your own children not wondering why you are giving your boyfriends children the same amount? Do you have a need to be seen as fair and kind to everyone, have some people pleasing tendencies, or does it fulfil you to be the 'rescuer' of these children? What does your boyfriend think of it?

No judgement by the way, I'm genuinely curious. I can see why when you were all out together you might shout them a meal, but this seems different somehow? Did you discuss with your boyfriend beforehand?

It's cash people not a line of coke.
If the df is happy about what his dc spend in his time it's nowt to do with their dm.

It matters because their mum thinks you're trying to buy their love. Maybe tell her that's what you give the boys and you're trying to treat them all the same.

OP the amount is the irrelevant. How does your boyfriend feel about you giving the girls some pocket money? If he’s fine with it then it’s up to him to speak with his ex if she’s unhappy, not you.
I think it’s lovely that you want to treat all the children the same. I also think it’s lovely that the girls used the money to buy a present for their mum.
It sounds like most people are behaving well and their mum needs to get used to your existence in their lives. I do understand that this may be hard for her, but that’s not your issue to fix.

I just think they’re lovely kids. They really appreciate the money, they don’t waste it , they get really excited to show me what they’ve bought, how much is in their little savings pot. They deserve it and yeah I enjoy spoiling people that I care about. I guess it’s my love language

OP you asked several times ‘why’, many including myself explained why we wouldn’t approve of it, but you don’t seem to want to discuss it and counter offer? Just here to stoke the fire?

I think it’s too much, because they can use the money in ways that may be harmful to them. A closer eye needs to be taken. Just my opinion.

I also think you should have checked with their mum

I checked with their dad who is their primary carer ?