AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

[sohappens]

Genuinely not sure if I’m in the wrong or not! Brief backstory - met my boyfriend 18 months ago. All good and very happy. We introduced our kids into it about 4 months ago. Again all good, we all get along. I have two boys aged 10 and 13, he has 2 girls similiar ages. I’m a high earner, he isn’t. This isn’t an issue, he pays his way and works hard in a job he loves- it’s a role that serves vulnerable people and he’s amazing at it. Anyway the issue is his ex (the girls’ mum). I give my boys £20 each a week pocket money. Once we all started spending time together as a family, I started giving the same to the girls. They’re all sensible ish with the money. They spend it on shit on Roblox but they all save too. The mum only found out when the girls brought her a £50 birthday present and she asked where they got the money from. She’s gone mad about it- saying I’m trying to buy their love and that it’s too much money for their ages. She has demanded that I stop. What do you think?

Surely the point there is you raise your child to be careful with their money. Mine never bought unhealthy food with it or bought unnecessary stuff. She still needed to tell me if she was buying stuff as generally she buys online. Sometimes when she went out with her friends at first, she went a little wild with it, but she has learned the value of what she has. I couldn’t give a crap if her peers see her as “the rich kid”, she is who she is, she shouldn’t be ashamed of that. She doesn’t flash the cash about, wear designer gear etc, but if there is a trip out somewhere she never has to say no because she has no money nor does she have to borrow any either, which her friends always seem to be doing from each other (not from her, she’s too sensible for that)

I think it’s fine. If t and DP are the main care givers I don’t really see what the issue is.
If their DM is skint I would guess that she is jealous of the girls getting that much money.
Your DP needs to have words with the DM.
Good on you for treating all four children the same.

Like what? We can see what they spend it on. They’re not buying alcohol or vapes.

Sounds good to me!

If your partner's happy none of the Mum's business.
She hardly sees the kids & doesn't have a pot to piss in, so probs jealous.
They're lucky to have you.

You've over stepped OP. I would say differently if you all lived together, seeing as Dad is main carer.
I assume it will be some time before that is considered, if ever.

You don’t trust your kids not to buy harmful things? What do you think a ten year old is going to do? Head off down to the offy for 20 B&H and a bottle of Hooch?

OP doesn’t have to check with their mum, she asked their dad.

So many pearls being clutched on this thread.

I do think £20 is a lot at those ages. My 12yo would spend it on sugar though and have no teeth. Not so keen on wasting on electronic stuff.

That said I can see why you’d want parity between the children. Possibly set them up savings accounts? I’m divorced and ex is a bit splurgy and it irritates me. I used to give pocket money of £5 for keeping on top of chores and then they’d be turning up saying it’s fine I don’t need it as Dad gave me £20 and be mighty peeved that I made them do chores anyway.

Yabu, you've known them for 5 minutes and, I would hope after only 4 months, you arent living together. You are dads gf, pretty random at this stage. So I totally get the mums reticence, you are trying to play happy families far too early. It all cries a bit too try hard, we are all one big happy family.

I think you sound lovely, to treat the girls the same as your children.

I think if you gave it to the dad and got him to give it to them would have been better. Or do you like the glory? I find it cringey

Do you actually all live together?
Your point about being fair doesn't really matter if you don't. It wouldn't be like you were flaunting the money in front of his kids if they have their own home as surely you would just give it to your own children when the others aren't there.

I do think this is a troll post to wind people up (hence saying the mum takes cocaine) or to show off how much you earn (also to wind people up).

Fair enough, so everyone is happy with it except the mum, and you say it's something that you like to do for people you care about, and you've thought about what might happen if the relationship doesn't become permanent then it's a bit early on from my perspective but it's your money and mum sounds pretty uninvolved (although granted we only have your side of the story). I can see why she is unhappy though, but that may be her own hang up.

We are a happy family though. It’s early days yeah but it’s going really well and we left it over a year before we involved the kids.

In this instance as they live with you I think you’re doing the right thing. It would not be fair for kids living in the same house to get a different amount.

If she were the resident parent it would be different.

OP, I think you can see from the answers that £20 a week is WAY more than most people give their kids at this age. I personally don’t want my kids having loads of disposable income to spend on crap - I actively don’t want them to be able to buy whatever they want. I want them to want a job soon, to learn the value of earned money and understand the importance of working hard and saving up for things. Can you really not understand why someone might be annoyed that you’re giving this much money to kids you met 4 months ago, without asking their mum?

If you treated them differently MN would tear you down. Treat them the same and you still get grief. If their father is the primary caregiver and he’s okay with it I don’t see the problem. The problem on here is no one likes a blended family, you won’t get many people agreeing with you due to that.

It’s hideously inappropriate to override their mother’s wishes in this way once those wishes have been expressed. It’s about respect and boundaries. Basic decency. You should obviously stop these payments- I can’t believe you ever started them in fact without her approval.

I would be aghast if some woman started giving money to my son. I monitor his spending. This uncontrolled source of income would make it impossible. That another mother should do this and refuse to stop when asked to do so 🤯.

You’ve been told this again & again on this thread. I don’t know whether the wilful refusal to take this on board (& the strange accusations of ‘jealousy’) suggest this is a joke thread or that there is something very strange about the way you see the world.

It might be seen as a lot, but her reaction just suggests she is insecure.
After all, they saved a lot and bought something for HER. Clearly they are atill devoted to her, and she should appreciate that you are giving them opportunities that she cant.
Parenting and step-parenting isnt a competition, and she shouldn't be treating it as such.

I am a ‘step mum’ - been with OH two years and I met kids about five months in, so I’ve been involved with them for 18 months.

Their mum doesn’t give them pocket money at all. Not a penny.

OH and I give them money in exchange for ‘chores’ and it’s not guaranteed every week- very much depends on the jobs we have available. Oldest has started getting it a bit more regularly as he’ll come to the stables with me and help with the horse chores and this is done as a driver to get him out the house in the fresh air and away from screens. Today each job had a ‘price’ agreed and he could choose the jobs and build how much he made. Today he made £9. He’ll maybe top out at £25 a month from me for this.

His mum has never had an issue with it - he takes the money home and she helps him put it in the bank to buy v-bucks or Lego with.

However - every parent is different and if she did have an issue with it I’d respect that and stop it.

My children at age ten go nowhere alone where they can spend money beyond the corner shop and a couple of pounds a week covers an occasional bag of sweets. If they’re invited to the cinema or whatever with a friend then I pay. If they need clothes or books then I buy them. So there’s literally nothing for them to spend £20 a week on besides tat, in-app type gaming purchases or more sweets.

Happy for other families if they have systems that work for them, but I was explaining why I wouldn’t want it for my kid, since apparently OP is perplexed.

You’re making parenting level decisions with young kids you’ve just known a few months. You overstepped. Now I could understand that you were trying to treat them the same and be kind, but now the mother has said she’s not comfortable with it and you’re still pushing to do it, it comes across as overstepping again and I don’t doubt it’s making their mother uncomfortable and the girls caught between you. I’m surprised that you’re not just immediately understanding and taking no for an answer.

But it’s not hideously inappropriate to override their father’s wishes and the resident parent?

I think it’s really sweet of you and you’re not doing anything wrong.

It’s not the fact that she originally did it that’s the issue, that could be put down as being kind. It’s the lack of understanding now that the mother has said no. She’s only known these kids a couple of months.

Only just read all your replies. No I am not jealous given I am also a high income household and am not in a blended family. What an odd take you have on things. I imagine you will be moving in together fairly soon if not already. Good luck.